Never Say Goodbye

by Angie Merriam

  “Okay, but I’m only doing this for Aaron not you.” Her tone was harsh.

  “Fine, but I still haven’t figured out why you’re so pissed at me,” I bit back, defeated.

  “Are you serious right now, Elijah?”

  “Dead fucking serious, Chinda! What the fuck did I do to you to make you hate me when you used to love me so much?”

  “Well, jumping to the next girl after claiming you love me so much for starters. What did you wait, like a day?”

  “Really? First of all, you left me remember? Disappeared with my son, without a word. No goodbye. No fuck you! Nothing. It’s been over three months, Chinda.”

  “You knew I had to get away! My entire life crumbled down on me, and it was my fault! Because of my infatuation with you! Because I love you everything went to shit! How was I supposed to stay?”

  “You stay because as fucked up as everything around you is, the one thing you can always count on is me and together, Chinda, we can get through anything. You didn’t trust me though, and I can see you still don’t. You drive me crazy you know that?” I ran my hands through my hair in frustration as she stood there, still pissed.

  “Charlie died because of me. I was supposed to be there for him but instead I was screwing you!” She spat, her words dripping with anger.

  “Dammit, Chinda, what happened to Charlie had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him being a gay man in a world that is not ready to accept him. That and a family as fucked up and judgmental as yours. If anything, they are responsible not you!” I didn’t know how to get through to her. I watched her eyes fill with tears as her face fell in defeat.

  “It doesn’t matter anyways does it? You’re here with her and you seem happy, Elijah. I’m happy for you I really am. I came here for Aaron not to fight with you. I don’t have it in me anymore.” She reached in her pocket and pulled out a piece of paper.

  “Here is my number. I’m going home now. If you want to see Aaron just call me.” She turned and began walking away, her body shaking from crying. I watched her for a minute, the paper in my hand, my heart reaching out to her. She was at the end of the block unlocking a car door when I finally got my feet to move, and I ran.

  “Chinda, wait!” I called.

  “No, Elijah. I have to go. I mean it, you can see Aaron any time, and I am happy you found someone to make you happy.” She opened the car door, and it finally clicked. She slipped inside and tried to close the door, but my hand caught it.

  “Get your ass out of the car, we are not done here!”

  “Stop it, Elijah!”

  “No, you stop being a prima donna bitch and get out of the fucking car! You think you’re the only one that’s been hurting here? You think you’re the only one with the right to be pissed? Get out of the car!” I yelled at her between breaths.

  “Did you call me a prima donna bitch?” she asked as she got out of the car, her anger matching mine. I backed up a little as she got out and slammed the door behind her. The moment she turned to face me, I grabbed her and kissed her hard, pushing her back up against the car. She fought me at first, but it wasn’t long before her body melted into mine. As soon as her mouth relaxed against mine I pulled away. I had both my hands on the car with her between my arms, and my body pressed against hers.

  “Holly is her name, by the way, and she’s not the other woman. She’s a friend, a very good friend but that’s it. It’s you, Chinda. It’s always been you. Since I first saw you, a teenage girl in short shorts and teased hair, I knew it was you. Through the years, when I thought you were dead, I searched for you everywhere in every woman. I numbed my feeling with drugs and booze and fucked anything that walked just trying to feel a quarter of what I felt with you.

  “I was living in a haze until I saw you at my show and just like that my world changed. Even when you left me, as angry as I was, I didn’t fall into old habits because knowing you lived somewhere, out there, that one day I might see you again was enough for me. Don’t you see or feel it? I need you. I love you. I always have, even in death I loved and needed you. Please stop fighting this. Stop fighting us and just let me love you.” I moved my hands to her head, cradling it between my palms, praying she wouldn’t run again.

  She didn’t run, but she didn’t speak either. She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me closer, her head resting on my chest and she and I cried as we held each other. I’m not sure how much time passed, and though I was reluctant to let her go, I knew we couldn’t stand in the street forever.

  “Come inside with me, please. Holly would love to meet you,” I said softly.

  “Okay,” she replied, sniffling. We broke apart but I kept her hand in mine as we walked back to the house. Holly was still on the porch waiting, a smile on her face.

  “Hey, Holly, I’d like you to meet,” I began, but she cut me off. “Chinda, it’s great to finally meet you,” she said as she stood up, her arms outstretched toward Chinda for a hug. Chinda glanced at me. I nodded and let go of her hand. She walked up the stairs toward Holly and the two embraced. Holly shot the biggest smile at me over Chinda’s shoulder. Her way of saying she told me so. I chuckled a little before going up the stairs myself. The night air was getting nippy and I worried about Holly getting chilled.

  “Let’s go in okay? It’s getting cold for you, Holly.” I gently ushered them through the front door.

  “You’re such a worry wart, Elijah,” Holly said in mock protest.

  “Yeah, whatever.” I shut the door behind. “Who wants a drink?” I asked knowing I sure as hell did. The intense feelings I felt for Chinda swirled with the feelings I felt for Holly. It was a strange feeling, and I was nervous having both of them there.

  “Yes, both of us, please. Come sit with me, Chinda,” Holly said, pulling Chinda behind her. She was like a giddy school girl with her best friend. I could hear them chatting quietly in the living room while I made us drinks.

  “Hope you’re not talking about me,” I announced as I walked back in, handing them each a drink.

  “Yes, I am. I was telling Chinda how great you’ve been taking care of me the last few months.” Holly smiled brightly. “You know what’s strange?” she asked, making eye contact with Chinda.. “What’s that, Holly?” she responded as I sat down beside her. Holly looked from Chinda to me then back to Chinda “We were just talking about how Elijah had to find you. I told him it was my dying wish that he find you and make things right.”

  “Yes, that’s true,” I confirmed and gently squeezed Chinda’s thigh.

  “Then bam, there you are! It’s fate. I’m so glad you came,” Holly said with a giggle.

  “Me too, thank you for welcoming me,” Chinda replied smiling up at me then focusing her attention back on Holly. We sat and casually chatted for a while. The nerves faded as my two girls fell into comfortable conversation and laughter. They hit it off almost immediately, and I wished they had more time to get to know each other. I rested my head on the back of the chair and let my eyes close while they continued their girl talk. Holly didn’t have any girlfriends and seemed to be catching up on girl time at warp speed.

  They must have thought I’d fallen asleep because the conversation turned from movies to me.

  “You really do love him don’t you?” Holly asked.

  “I think I do,” Chinda replied.

  “There is no thinking about it. You either do or you don’t.”

  “It’s just all so new honestly. I feel strongly for him. Like he’s a magnet that I’m being pulled to.”

  “That’s because your soul mates, Chinda. Can I tell you something?”

  “Of course.”

  “I love him too. When I first saw him in the tiny airport I thought, holy shit that is the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. I wanted him, badly and I hadn’t felt that way in a really long time. I’ll be honest. I seduced him and he was just broken enough to let me.” Chinda stopped her. I could hear she was uncomfortable, and I should have let them know
I was awake and stop the conversation, but I’m an asshole and wanted to hear what they had to say.

  “I don’t think you should be telling me this, Holly. What happened between you and Elijah is none of my business.”

  “You’re wrong. It is. Let me finish.” Holly’s voice was gentle but firm. She had a way of making people listen to her.

  “Yes, I seduced him but it felt wrong. He felt wrong and I know why. You see, I had my own Elijah a long time ago but I lost him. He can’t be replaced just like you can’t be replaced for Elijah. I know my love is dead and not coming back, but I will be with him soon enough. You, however, have a second chance at love with a wonderful man. Don’t let go of him, Chinda. Hold on to him tightly and let him love you. Don’t miss out on what could be a beautiful thing because of fear. Okay?”

  “Okay. Thank you, Holly. Thanks for being here for Elijah and for giving him back to me.”

  “Thank you for letting me borrow him. I’m getting tired. I’m going to bed. Please make yourself at home here. I am so glad you came and I was able to meet you. You’re a beautiful woman inside and out. I can see why he loves you so much. Goodnight, Chinda.”

  “Goodnight, Holly.”

  I heard Holly get up and walk away. A few minutes later, I heard Chinda let out a sigh, and I opened my eyes to find her watching me.

  “Were you awake the whole time?” She asked.

  “Guilty,” I replied holding my hands up in surrender. I got out of the chair and went to sit beside her. I put my arm around her, and she curled into me. It was such a natural thing, holding her. I was thankful to have her there with me.

  “Holly’s amazing,” she said quietly.

  “Yes, she is. The last few months she’s taught me a lot about who I want to be. She’s a genuine, happy person and taught me to be happy to despite the world. As much as I missed you and as hurt as I was I would have never met her if you hadn’t left. I guess everything happens for a reason. I think I had to meet her and know her to be the kind of man you need me to be.”

  “You’ve always been the man I need, Elijah. It just took me some time to figure it out.”

  “I love you, Chinda. Thank you for coming.”

  “I love you too, Elijah,” she replied before falling silent. She fell asleep in my arms and for the first time in forever, I slept peacefully.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chinda’s stirring woke me the next morning. My arm was comfortably numb and my back was sore from sleeping upright, but she was still curled beside me, which made the aches and pains worth it. The sun was filtering in through the colorful curtains Holly had covering the windows.

  “Morning, beautiful.”

  “Good morning.” She yawned and stretched a little.

  “I could get used to waking up with you beside me.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Yeah.” I kissed her head before slipping my arm out from under her. “But I have to move or I will be frozen here forever.” I slowly moved away from her and immediately felt lonely without her close to me. I pulled her up off the couch and in for a hug just to feel her.

  “What time is it?” she asked. I glanced up at the clock on the wall and saw it was after nine. Holly was usually up by six. “Oh dang, we slept in. I should go check on Holly,” I said before reluctantly letting Chinda go.

  “Hey, where is the bathroom?”

  “Down the hall.” I pointed her in the right direction and went to check on Holly. I gently opened her door and saw her figure under the blankets still. A sudden feeling of dread washed over me as I slowly walked to her bed. I gently touched her shoulder. “Holly, sweetheart, wake up.” Nothing. I shook her a little harder but knew before I looked at her face that she was gone. When I gathered enough courage, I turned her over and felt the air sucked away from me when I saw her peaceful face. She was so pale yet angel like. I kissed her forehead then kneeled beside her bed on the floor, holding her cold hand in mine, and I cried.

  Chinda came in the room almost silently. She slowly lowered to her knees beside me and carefully wrapped her arm around my shoulders. I felt her hand cover mine that was holding Holly’s. I leaned into her chest and continued to sob for the woman that taught me all I’ll ever need to know about being happy in life.

  “I was expecting this just not so soon. We were told six weeks just the other day.” I pulled away slightly and made an attempt to calm down. Holly wouldn’t want me breaking down. We’d talked about her passing a lot and she told me to be happy for her, not to cry. Easier said than done.

  “I need to call for them to come get her,” I said before standing up and walking out of the room. I needed to regain control. We had a plan in place, and I had to start it. I called for an ambulance to come pick her up then went back into the room to kiss her cheek one last time before I covered her completely with the blanket. The shock was wearing off, and my emotions were leveling out. I went to the living room where Chinda was sitting.

  “You okay, Elijah?” she asked when I walked in. I sighed and sat across from her.

  “Yeah, I think so. I just wasn’t expecting it today. We thought we had time that’s all. I knew it was coming and I’ve had time to prepare.”

  “Well, it doesn’t matter how well you’re prepared, death is never easy for the living to deal with. You’re handling it very well actually.” She smiled weakly at me before offering me a cup of coffee which I took gladly.

  “Thanks for staying, Chinda. You didn’t know Holly and I’m sure just being here is awkward. Anyway, I’m happy you’re here.”

  “Elijah, I wouldn’t dream of leaving you. No, I only got to spend one evening with her but I could see in that short amount of time how special she was. She was honest and caring and I’m thankful you had her. Here, this was on her bedside table. I saw it after you walked out. It’s addressed to both of us.” She reached across the table and handed me a piece of stationary. Holly liked pretty paper. I smiled when I saw the purple paper with white embossed flowers. It smelled of flowers and just holding it warmed my heart.

  Dear Elijah,

  Oh boy do I love you. We came into each other’s lives when we didn’t have a lot of time but it was the right time. Spending my last few months with you was magical. You made me happier than I’ve been since I lost my one true love. You’re a wonderful man and the best friend I’ve ever had. Now, we talked about this so you better not be crying. Smile for me. Be happy for me. I get to be with my love again. It’s your turn now, go be with your true love. Show her the happiness you showed me and don’t ever let her go. Thank you for letting me see that kind of love again before I left the world. I love you forever, Elijah.

  Holly

  PS~To Chinda

  I can’t begin to express my joy at having you in my home. It was fate that you showed up here. I knew I had to meet you at least one time before I died. I can rest peacefully now knowing you are there for him. He loves you deeper than I’ve ever seen a man love a woman. Take care of his heart because it’s yours, it always has been yours. Love him. Be happy with him. Let him love you. Go kiss him and hug him one last time for me, please.

  I felt the tears well again. “Shit, I’m not supposed to fucking cry,” I said out loud after I read her letter. Chinda came to me and pulled me into a tight hug. She rested her lips on mine, kissing me gently. “It’s okay to cry just a little but make them happy tears. She said she is with her true love. She’s happy for you to be with me, you should be happy for her to be with him,” she whispered before pulling away. A few seconds later the sound of sirens flooded the house.

  Over the next few days I filled my time fulfilling her wishes with Chinda by my side. Together we got the house ready to be closed up. She left the house to me but I didn’t plan to live there. Chinda and I hadn’t talked yet about where we would go from here but I knew I would follow her anywhere. I packed my things before I called her brother and told him she’d passed. Like me, he had been expecting it. Like me it didn’t matter, h
e still broke down. She wanted to be cremated so I promised to bring part of her ashes to her brother in Oregon and went to the shoreline to spread the remainder.