Diary of an Expat in Singapore
Page 13
Berries cost a fortune.
Strawberries, raspberries, blueberries… it would be less expensive to buy a plot of land and just grow them yourself. The fact that this fruit is flown in from California or Japan helps explain the price. You’re paying the berry’s airfare, and it’s not flying economy. If you want local and inexpensive fruit then you should go to the wet market. It’s just called wet, they don’t actually throw water on you when you’re there.
There is an entire aisle devoted to rice crackers.
Traditionally a Japanese snack, rice crackers are very popular in Singapore, with endless varieties: tiger prawn, black bean with soy sauce, barbecue seaweed…
Mosquito patches are next to the Tic Tacs.
It might be optimistic to think a non-toxic, citronella-based Hello Kitty skin patch will ward off the deadly dengue fever-carrying Aedes mosquito… but in Singapore that’s the plan.
They sell Essence of Chicken energy drinks.
Who wouldn’t like a refreshing, invigorating Essence of Chicken energy drink? I know I would. Essential for any marathon runner, this supplement drink will help keep your mind alert. Here it is considered a must for all primary school students, promising to help deliver better exam results. And if something guarantees better results, Singaporeans are willing to eat/drink/do almost anything. Although: even those who advertise Essence of Chicken usually open their pitch with: “Once you get over its awful taste, it delivers quite a punch.”
The air con will give you pneumonia.
The freezing temperature isn’t really conducive to browsing. The last time I felt this cold I was in an open-air market in Moscow… in December. Only there were fewer drafts. You’d better know what brand of waffles you’re buying and don’t even think of asking the kids to choose their favourite cookies. Just grab the groceries, pay, and get out of there.
There is a dizzying variety of chili sauces.
In a country where chili makes or breaks a hawker stall, sauce is not something to be taken lightly. Taste, texture, whether it’s made from scratch. There are many varieties: oyster omelette chili sauce, chili sauce for pig’s organ soup, light soy sauce with chili, perfect for fish ball soup, and Teochew porridge chili sauce. A supermarket in Singapore is chili heaven.
You can buy bird’s nest face masks.
Where else can you do that? If bird’s nest extract has beneficial properties when you drink it, why not spread it all over your face?
It’s open every day.
Except for Chinese New Year, which usually falls at the end of January. In fact, most restaurants, food stalls, hairdressers, and schools are closed. Expect mountains of mandarins, plenty of red and gold (auspicious colours), hanging salted poultry (the way meat was preserved before refrigeration), and characters symbolizing good luck in the lead-up to the big day.
Stuff expats find somewhat disconcerting about Singapore
Ninja aunties who cut queues
Forget Navy Seals and Green Berets, if the CIA wants to catch terrorists in a timely fashion, it should start using this local stealth force. Experts in speed and cunning, Singaporean aunties can be found primarily at grocery stores, on school buses, or serving as casual vigilantes on playgrounds.
Surprise rainstorms
It is 100% guaranteed that there will be a torrential downpour the minute you finish hanging your laundry outside. The natural corollary to this is that you’d have to be a freakishly optimistic kind of person to hang out laundry in the first place. Don’t feel badly, that bright shining sun would have fooled anybody. You just shouldn’t have gotten distracted while your clothes were outside.
Mould
Here in Singapore, even the mould has mould. Prepare to spend hours researching the topic. You might surprisingly become the condo resident expert on mould and on how to get rid of it. Your parents may have envisioned you one day accepting a Nobel Prize: “I would like to thank the committee…” Instead, you are indicated as the go-to mould person on your building communication board. Dream big.
Crazy drivers
If you think the drivers in Singapore are crazy, you’d better not drive in Italy. And definitely do not venture south of Florence. You might want to rethink that car rental you were planning on getting this summer. In Naples, following traffic lights is optional and pedestrians cross quickly whether it’s green or red. I say this as a non-driver… a scared one.
Perfume is not advisable
One word: mosquitoes. I am a perfume person. Singapore is not the best place to indulge in this passion. It can have consequences. On the plus side, if the weekly mosquito fogging doesn’t kill you with its toxic fumes, it can work as an ad hoc scent. Granted it’s an acquired taste but at least the mosquitoes don’t like it.
Speed of construction work
Every summer trip to Europe, it seems the same two buildings are still being built. Frankfurt Airport? Yes, you. Enough already with that extension you’ve been adding for the last four years. Just ship the entire thing to Singapore. They’ll finish it in a fortnight and ship it back.
Bubble tea
What exactly is bubble tea? What are those multicoloured ball-shaped things at the bottom of the cup? And more importantly, can they choke you if you accidentally suck one up your straw?
Soup is not just soup here. It’s a drink.
Coke? Water? Wine? No, thanks, I’ll just have a bowl of soup with my meal. Sure, it’s healthy, but can you carry a bottle of soup on a long hike? Or to the gym? I don’t think so.
Signs there’s a hazardous haze in Singapore
Beijing here: “Who’s laughing now?”
This is what Singapore looks like today. And it smells like a bonfire out there – minus the marshmallows. Hazing season has begun (to not be confused with first-year initiation rites at a fraternity), and it’s not pretty. When expats are booking tickets to Hong Kong to get some fresh air, you know things are bleak.
Indonesia voted Least Popular Neighbour.
Illegal fires (the so-called slash-and-burn technique used on farms to make room for new crops) from the neighbouring Indonesian island of Sumatra are causing the thick smoke. Tensions are high. Requests for beef rendang have plummeted. In America they say: “Don’t mess with Texas.” In Southeast Asia, it’s: “Don’t mess with Indonesia.” Size matters.
Outside looks like the film set of ‘Apocalypse Now’.
Francis Ford Coppola would have killed to have a natural setting like this for his masterpiece ‘Apocalypse Now’. And this was probably what Kurtz from Conrad’s ‘Heart of Darkness’ had in mind when he murmured: “The horror, the horror!” – certainly not the beautiful green gardens of the Raffles Hotel, where the author liked to sojourn while in Singapore.
No problem getting a taxi.
There is always a silver lining. I really can’t blame anyone but myself. I did say I missed the fog in Verona… be careful what you wish for.
Children are encouraged to stay indoors and play video games.
The haze, and debilitating air, have prompted the Singapore government to issue a warning for children and the elderly to stay indoors. Kids finally have the justification they needed to spend hours on Minecraft. The elderly just think they’ve misplaced their glasses.
All picnic items are on sale.
Haze has pushed its way to the top as best reason to not rush out and have an open-air picnic. (Humidity and rainstorms, suddenly outranked, are both feeling dejected and have vowed revenge.)
The PSI (Pollutant Standards Index) is followed more closely than the Nikkei index.
A PSI over 100 is unhealthy. Yesterday it hit 401 – highest ever recorded in Singapore. Forget the usual pleasantries, expats now greet each other with wild eyes and urgent updates: “What’s the latest PSI?”
Somewhere in Sumatra, there is a farmer without internet saying: “I think we’re getting away with this”…
Expat’s Bucket List
Eat a durian.
So it has a p
ungent smell… don’t be a sissy, eat a durian. You are not required to do military service, the least you could do is try the national fruit. You won’t regret it. There’s a reason people say durian smells like hell but tastes like heaven.
Have ice cream in bread.
You know you want to. And after you do, you’ll wonder how you were satisfied all these years with sugary waffle cones. Ice cream in bread… does it come with ciabatta?
Drink coffee from a bag.
For the first few months in Singapore, you wonder why so many people are carrying around coloured fluid in transparent bags. The kind usually hanging from an IV pole. Were they just discharged from the hospital? Nope, it’s just coffee in a bag. I wonder how a Frappuccino would taste from a bag?
Order laksa for breakfast.
Forget coffee and muffins, have a nice, hot bowl of laksa instead. Or if you want to be truly hardcore, order fishball soup. Because nothing says breakfast like fishball soup. So what if it’s 10 am? Eat like a Singaporean. Look how skinny they are… that should be incentive enough.
Spend an entire day at Sentosa without getting heat stroke.
This is a tough one. The popular island resort is like Disneyland, Miami, and Las Vegas all rolled into one. It just happens to be the hottest place in all of Singapore. Forget to drink water and you could die. It’s happened. Spend an entire day there and you’re guaranteed to need mineral salts just to get out of bed the next day to ward off deadly dehydration effects. Kids seem to enjoy it and it is relatively inexpensive… sorry did I say relatively inexpensive? I meant to say ridiculously expensive. If you do go, the only person happier than your kids will be Visa.
Do morning tai chi at the Botanic Gardens.
Join the silent army of little old people, who are fitter at 80 than you were at 20… you won’t feel inadequate or out of shape. Right. You will be doing something good for your body and soul. Just ignore the life-threatening electric storms, the crazy kids trying to hit you with a frisbee, and the rabid unleashed dogs lunging for your neck and… relax.
Learn the difference between Hokkien and Teochew.
Never mistake one Chinese dialect for another. That’s like mistaking French for German. There will be unpleasant repercussions. Instead, you could begin all conversations with the savvy, much-loved ice-breaker: “Is that Hokkien?” Of course, if the sentence you are referring to was actually spoken in English, you might not get the admiring response you were hoping for. But nobody can say you didn’t try.
Sit through a Chinese opera.
Pleasant? Yes, if you compare it to getting a stubbed toe. Or if you consider three straight hours of crossdressing, dire story lines, and falsetto singing in a language you don’t understand a treat. Come to think of it: you can get that at an Italian opera.
Get a fish pedicure.
Sure, why not? Just throw in a piranha and we’ll call it a night. I don’t think so. As it is, I’m the least popular client at the nail salon because of my freakishly ticklish feet. Add the nibbling flesh-eating fish and it wouldn’t be pretty. I’d rather my fish in an aquarium or in a frying pan with lemon and olive oil, thank you very much.
Take a bumboat to Pulau Ubin.
Venture out to see the way kampong life in Singapore used to be. Tip: Spraying yourself with Tiger Balm to keep away potential mosquitoes will not endear you to the other passengers on the boat. And, hurry up, there are rumours that this heritage treasure has a limited lifetime because of its prime real estate potential.
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THE FACT THAT I have yet to cross even one of these items off my bucket list is proof that there is a lot left to experience here in Singapore. If you have your own bucket list, you’d better get started, because, in the words of John Lennon: “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” Goodbye for now, I need to buy some durian.
About the author
JENNIFER GARGIULO is an author, university lecturer and blogger. After a degree in philosophy at Vassar College and a PhD in literature at the University of Sydney, she decided it was time to embark on an even more lucrative career path and wisely chose creative writing. Originally from Verona, Italy, she has lived in Singapore for the past seven years with her husband, Michele, and two children, Alexander and Eliot, and spends most of her free time drinking coffee, up dating her blog, and eating macarons.