“You know, Rosa was thinking of you when I took that shot.” Now, why had she told him that?
“Really?” He giggled, sounding more like a teenager than a bank manager in his twenties. “Well, bugger me.”
“I thought you’d like that.”
“She didn’t happen to ask for my number?”
“Sorry, Ben, she didn’t quite go that far.”
“Ah well, can’t win them all. Are you coming to the Duck later?”
“I’m still in Devon.”
“Oh.” There was a pause as he digested the information. “Is everything okay? Your family?”
“Yes, my family are great. I…” How to put it, what to say? “I’ve left Daniel.” She couldn’t get all the information out, the words stuck in her throat. That was enough for now.
“You’ve left him? For good?” There was silence and when he spoke again his voice sounded brighter. “What about the wedding?”
“The wedding is most definitely off.” It was the first time she’d said it so bluntly. It sounded odd, but rather liberating. So much of the last year had been spent planning the damn thing it actually felt great to admit it was no longer her concern.
“Bloody Hell. What happened?”
“Well, at least you didn’t assume he cheated on me.”
“I haven’t really thought of anything, it’s a bit of a facer. So why’d you leave? I thought he was the centre of your universe.” The acid in Ben’s voice could strip paint.
“I have a new centre of my universe now.”
“You met someone new?” Ben’s voice sounded strangled.
“Er, well, I haven’t met them yet, not for a few months.”
“I’m sorry, you’re not making sense. You’ve left Daniel for someone you haven’t met? I thought Sharni had the monopoly on arranged marriages?”
Helen smiled. Fun as it was to wind Ben up she thought she ought to put an end to it.
“Ben, I’m pregnant. I’m going to have a baby.”
“Oh.” He went silent for a moment. “Daniel’s?”
“Of course it’s Daniel’s!”
“So why did you leave? Doesn’t he want the baby?”
“You could put it like that.”
“Hmmm.”
Helen nearly laughed out loud at Ben’s response. She had a feeling he didn’t entirely blame Daniel. Helen guessed that he was no different to any other young lad: The thought of parenthood probably terrified him. He was half a decade younger than Daniel though and single. What excuse did Daniel have?
“What will you do?”
“Oh, Ben, that’s the million dollar question isn’t it. I don’t know take it one day at a time I guess. It’s early days, I might still miscarry.”
She heard Ben give a little in-take of breath, as if she’d given too many details. He battled on bravely. “What then? Would you go back to Daniel?”
“No.” There was no hesitation. “No, there’s no going back, not after what he said. I thought he loved me, but no one could be so uncompromising with someone they cared about.”
“Are you coming back to London? It’s not the same without you.”
“Yes, I’ll be back. I’m waiting for my tenants’ contract to expire – I’ve given them notice, so the flat will be empty by August.”
“That’s weeks away, are you going to stay hidden in the sticks all that time? You’ll die of boredom.”
“You’re as bad as Sharni. Stuff does happen in Devon you know!” Helen laughed at his Londoner’s view of the country. “Sharni is going to ask if maybe Dawn will put me up for a couple of weeks, otherwise I’ll have to stay: I can’t afford to put up in a hotel.”
“I’d offer you to come crash at ours, but I’m not sure it’s the place for a pregnant lady.” Ben still lived with his student mates, despite graduating several years before. Helen could only imagine what a house of five lads would be like.
“That’s sweet, Ben, but I think I’ll pass. I’m struggling to keep my food down on a good day!”
They chatted for a bit and said their goodbyes. Helen was conscious of a change in Ben’s demeanour, a cooling of his unspoken ardour. She wondered if he disapproved of her being a single mother, or if he no longer fancied her in her pregnant state. Whatever the cause, she was fine with it. Right now she needed friends around her, not languishing lovers.
Ben dropped the phone onto his desk and sat back in the chair, staring blankly at the ceiling.
He felt empty. He'd fancied Helen since the first day on the course, when she'd introduced herself and explained her motivations for study. Reading between the lines he'd longed to whisk her away from her twat of a fiancé and treat her as she deserved to be treated; with understanding and appreciation. Now she was free, here was his chance to give her that love. Why wasn’t he more excited?
He stared at the faded posters on his walls, his treasured CD collection, the curtains he’d had for a decade. Who am I kidding that I am in any way able to whisk Helen away? Besides, she doesn’t need rescuing anymore. She has escaped all by herself.
Of course there was the baby – she still needed someone to help her with that. He swallowed and got up from his desk, pacing as best he could in the small cluttered space. His head felt muffled, like he was hung-over. He kicked aside some dirty socks and a tangled pair of jeans that lay in a half-animate heap, as if the legs within them had simply deflated, and headed for the door. I need a drink.
Walking slowly across town to meet the photography group at the Dog and Duck, Ben felt hollow. The future stretched before him with no purpose. It was as if he’d suffered a bereavement but couldn’t understand why.
“Did she tell you?”
Sharni’s hiss surprised Ben out of his reverie. He’d been staring into his pint, watching the bubbles rise gracefully to fizz and pop on the surface.
“What?”
Ben glanced at Sharni, who had taken her opportunity as Dawn and Stuart were in hot dispute about the relative merits of Canon vs. Nikon.
“Helen!” She hissed even more quietly, hoping that Helen had indeed told Ben. She didn’t want to reveal a secret but was dying to talk about it with someone.
“Oh. Yes.” Ben caught up. “Yes, she rang me. It’s all a bit of a bugger, really.” He returned to his contemplation of the bubbles in his pint.
“What? Aren’t you pleased she’s left Daniel?”
“Daniel? Oh yes. It’s good she’s given him the heave ho. But still. You know.”
“She told you ’bout her other news then?”
Ben looked at Sharni again, could see the gleam in her eye, the need to gossip. He dragged his thoughts into the present and tried to smile. “About the baby? Yes, she told me.”
“So, what do you think?”
“I think…” He was about to say I think it’s terrible, I think all my dreams have been dashed, but seemed to realise that wasn’t what Sharni wanted to hear. “Er. I think it’s great. She’ll make a great mum.”
“That’s what I think. She doesn’t need Daniel, she has us!”
“Right, yes. Of course.”
“I’d have thought you’d be thrilled, Benjie, this is your chance.”
Ben sat in quiet contemplation as a wasp buzzed noisily around the pint glass. The noise grated his raw nerves but he couldn’t find the energy to shoo it away.
“I don’t want to be a father!” he blurted out suddenly, startling the wasp.
Sharni shushed him, worried Dawn and Stuart would hear. She looked anxiously over at them but they were still in deep discussion.
She looked back at Ben. He sat slumped like a kid whose team had just been relegated. She put her arm around his shoulder and squeezed him in a hug, momentarily diverted by the discovery of muscles under his navy polo shirt. He acts the lad but there is a man there underneath his student disguise.
“Poor Benjie boy,” was all she said, hugging him again. “We’re not lucky in love are we?”
Chapter Ten
After two weeks in Devon it felt like coming home. Studying the ornate form of a black lamppost, Helen tried to put her finger on why it felt so familiar. Then she realised it was similar to her own street, with her own beloved flat. She had lived with Daniel for long enough to forget the quiet calm of a tree-lined road. Daniel’s apartment had commanded an awe-inspiring view and was surrounded by grand historical buildings, but she realised now she had an unacknowledged yearning for the residential feel, away from the City.
As she hovered on the pavement Helen realised she was nervous. What if they didn’t want her there? It wasn’t as if she and Dawn were particularly close. She was starting to regret letting Sharni arrange this, however much she was glad to be back in the capital.
Come on girl, you are going to have to go over there and ring the bell eventually. You can’t stand on the street all day as if you’re Freddy Eynsford-Hill about to launch into song. It’s only for a couple of weeks. Mum’ll be up in a fortnight for the scan and to help you move. You can spend your time looking for work, Dawn and her husband will barely notice you.
With the lyrical strains of On the Street Where You Live echoing in her mind Helen walked purposefully over to a blue door, checked for the third time that she had the right house number, and rang the bell.
After a long pause Helen heard footsteps echoing along a wooden corridor, before the bolts were shot back on the door. Conscious of an in-held breath, Helen exhaled in a rush as the door opened.
“Hello, yes?”
The door swung back to reveal Professor Higgins. Helen thought she must have fallen asleep leaning against the tree and was now dreaming she was in My Fair Lady. Only this Professor Higgins was older, with reading glasses perched on his thinning white hair and a copy of the Times tucked under his arm.
“I’m Helen. Um. Dawn’s expecting me?”
She wasn’t sure what else to say. She was certain she had the right house but the man’s interrogating stare made her doubt herself. She assumed the glowering glare must belong to Dawn’s husband, but she had met John before at a party at Derek’s and she was certain this wasn’t him.
Was I drunk? So drunk as to not remember him? Surely if that were the case he would remember me? Is that it? Does he disapprove of me coming to stay?
Panicked thoughts swamped Helen’s mind as she looked mutely at the man, waiting for his next move.
Without saying anything further he turned his back on her. She wondered if he was going to slam the door in her face. Instead he hollered in a booming voice that resonated down the wooden-floored hallway.
“Dawn. There’s someone at the door.”
Then, without inviting her in, he walked back down the hallway and disappeared into a room on the left.
What now?
Helen felt ridiculous standing in the doorway with her suitcase, waiting for someone to appear. Should she go in and close the door behind her, or cut her losses and walk away? Before her sleep-deprived brain could muster up a plan of action more footsteps were heard, this time running down the stairs.
Dawn started speaking before she got to the front door, so Helen missed the beginning.
“…sorry, really I am. My brother has invited himself to stay for a week. He turned up last night, too late for me to contact you.”
She smiled as she reached the door and ushered Helen into the narrow hallway. “Come in, darling, do. What a welcome!”
She lowered her voice conspiratorially and added, “He’s a bit eccentric. But don’t worry, he generally takes up residence in the lounge. I’m amazed he even answered the door. As I said, I can’t hear the bell from the top floor.”
Helen looked around her as she followed Dawn down the corridor. It was the most Dawn had ever said to her in one go and she was trying to listen as well as take in her surroundings.
“Is it inconvenient for me to stay? If your brother is here? I can find somewhere else.” Which wasn’t strictly true, not easily, but she felt it was the right thing to say in the circumstances.
“No, please stay.” Dawn turned to face her, as Helen got a glimpse of a kitchen before they arrived in a gorgeous book-lined drawing room with double-doors thrown open to the garden.
“John’s away on some golf tour until next week and I’ll go mad if I’m stuck here with Terrence by myself.” She saw Helen’s face and giggled, the sound surprisingly youthful. “I shouldn’t say that about my own brother, should I? But really, he’s the most difficult guest. When John’s here we pretty much ignore him but I can’t really do that when it’s just me, can I?”
She continued through the drawing room and out into the garden. Helen stopped in the doorway as Dawn meandered leisurely towards a bench nestled under some trees.
“Wow!” It was breath-taking. The space wasn’t large, but it felt entirely separated from the houses around it. Tall walls shielded the other houses from view, while herbaceous borders and sweet smelling flowers in pots gave the impression of a pocket garden-of-Eden. In the centre was a decorative patio where a tortoiseshell cat sat in the sunshine giving herself a bath.
Dawn patted the bench beside her and Helen mutely followed the instruction to sit.
“Thank you for letting me stay.” She turned to Dawn, who was calmly contemplating the cat as if people she hardly knew came to stay so often it was commonplace.
Reading her mind Dawn smiled a motherly smile. “It’s not a problem at all. Florence and Daisy were always bringing their friends home in the holidays. They went to a boarding school,” she added as if that explained everything.
Helen realised she didn’t know anything about Dawn’s children, only that they had all left home. Dawn had said very little about herself when they all started the course and since then Helen had spent more time chatting to Sharni and Ben.
“Where do they live now?”
“Florence, she’s my eldest, she’s married and lives in Geneva. Her husband is big in finance. Daisy’s doing her PhD in Edinburgh. She still comes home in the holidays sometimes, although she has her own apartment in the city.”
“Do you have just the two girls?”
“No, I have two sons Harry and Adam. Harry’s in the Navy, like his father was. Adam’s a roadie.” She said the last word with a fierce pride, as if challenging Helen to look down on him for his unconventional job.
“How cool. Does he meet loads of famous people?”
Dawn laughed, “No one I’ve really heard of I’m afraid, although he did do a tour with Sting a while back.”
Helen thought privately that she might like to meet Adam, and wondered if he was likely to pop home and visit his mum sometime soon. Her idle hope was dashed instantly as Dawn added, “I think he’s in Sweden or Italy at the moment, with a rock band. Metal-something, Um Metallica?”
Helen grinned, thinking back to her grungy student days when And Justice for All had kept her awake in the early hours whilst desperately writing essays. On tour with Metallica? Adam sounded more and more promising. Maybe staying with Dawn would have its upside.
“He’s in the UK sometime this week,”
Helen’s heart gave a lurch.
“But I think they’re going to see Emily’s folks this time. It’s only a flying visit.”
Helen’s heart sank, before she berated herself for her stupidity. As if the mysterious Adam would be interested in an unemployed executive assistant carrying another man’s child. Get a grip!
Oblivious to Helen’s unhappy thoughts Dawn continued to talk about her youngest son, her face glowing with pleasure laced with sadness.
“He only gets to come home in between tours really, unless it’s a big group that does a
few days at the O2 or Wembley. I think moving around so much when they were little has affected the boys most. They both have itchy feet like their father.”
She gazed around the manicured garden. “The girls are more like me, more interested in making a home for their family. Well, Florence certainly. Daisy lives with her boyfriend but she wants to establish her career before starting a family. She’s a scientist.”
As Helen listened to Dawn’s pride in her children’s achievements she subconsciously caressed her belly. What would her child achieve? Would she love them whether they became a Navy Captain or a roadie? Would they suffer from being brought up in a single family? She looked around at the beautiful family home Dawn had made and felt a stab of fear.
Conscious finally of Helen’s silence, Dawn finished reminiscing about her offspring and focused her attention on her guest.
“I’m sorry here’s me wittering on and you’ve had a long train journey this morning. Sharni said you were staying with your parents?” She let the question hang, not wanting to intrude on Helen’s personal situation but naturally eager for information.
“Yes, I’ve been in Devon for a couple of weeks. I needed some time to sort myself out. I guess Sharni told you that I’ve left Daniel?”
“She mentioned it, yes.”
“Did she say why?”
“No, dear. I must say you look like you’re taking it very well.”
“Good makeup.”
Dawn laughed. “Well, you needn’t hide behind a mask here. I’ve seen it all. Florence and Daisy have had their share of heart-ache. Even the boys, although they talk about it less.” She looked as if she were about to say something else, then thought better of it.
“Come in the house, we’ll have a nice cup of tea and you can tell me as much or as little as you like.”
She led Helen back through the drawing room and into the kitchen. While the kettle boiled they chatted about the photography group and Helen’s success with the competition. Then both sat at the kitchen table, wrapping their hands around mugs of tea despite the heat outside. It was cool in the kitchen. The lack of windows made it feel removed from the world. It seemed a shame to Helen that it didn’t look out onto the garden. She always thought it would be lovely to be able to watch the children playing in the garden while cooking dinner. The image reminded her of her own condition and the dilemma of how much to tell Dawn.
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