Since I already knew his story, probably more details than anyone in the room would ever know, I sat quietly listening, feeling proud that he was making an effort.
After the meeting a few people welcomed him to our group. I chatted with regulars and noted their progress. Once the room cleared out I began cleaning up, making sure the coffee pots were emptied and cleaned. I think I could feel his presence behind me even before I turned around. When I did he was standing within inches. “You scared me,” I announced to see if he’d back up.
He didn’t budge. “Do you need help?”
“The dishes need to be dried and put away.”
I was getting nervous, feeling overwhelmed with how close we stood to one another. His eyes were staring into mine, and I knew what was coming. I knew it with every bone in my body what was about to happen, and I didn’t want to stop it.
He took one hand and lifted it up to brush my cheek. “It’s too bad you have so many rules, precious. I’m pretty sure I could leave you breathless.”
My lips parted, but words wouldn’t come out. What was I to say to his statement that he didn’t already know. I wasn’t a broken record. Like it or not, I couldn’t want to explore the chemistry between us. I had to pretend it didn’t exist.
I reached behind me, took a towel off the counter, and shoved it into his hand. “Here.”
He shook his head and said something under his breath before proceeding to dry the dishes.
We worked in silence for a few minutes, which only made it more awkward. We were alone in a church kitchen. All I could think about were his words, and what it would feel like to be touched by a man again. I hated admitting how long it had been since I’d last been intimate. I’d been too focused to get involved. Still now, I worried it would change me.
I had to remain professional.
We finished the dishes and locked up the church before leaving. It was a nice night, so I rolled the windows all the way down making it too loud to talk. I wanted to hurry up and drop Cole off before he could get under my skin again. It was already hard sitting so close and smelling the scent of his cologne. I could close my eyes and see myself getting close to sniff his skin.
As I pulled up to his family home, Cole turned to face me. “Are you proud of me for sharing tonight?”
“I am. I just hope you continue to come to the meetings. They help. I know sometimes they feel like a waste of time, but I can promise you they’re not.”
He reached up and ran the back of his hand over my cheek again. “I know I’m in good hands.”
“Cole,” my voice sounded scratchy as I struggled to remain calm. “I can’t be the one to help you if you keep taunting me.”
He leaned in closer. I couldn’t budge. I was too afraid of what I’d do if I moved even an inch. “You’re the one taunting me, Addison.”
“It’s Addy,” I corrected.
“I prefer your full name, because it’s beautiful like you.” He moved closer, this time making it so I could feel his breath against my skin. He smelled of spearmint, like he’d just put something in his mouth to freshen up for this moment. I didn’t know whether to be flattered or offended that he expected something to happen. “It’s getting harder to avoid what’s happening between us.”
“It’s one-sided, I can assure you.”
This made him laugh. He lifted his head up and whispered in my ear. “You keep saying that, but I know it’s not true. I can see it in your eyes when you look at me. In fact, I get the feeling it’s been a while for you.”
“We just met several days ago. Do you really think I’d go against my better judgment with practically a stranger?”
“Suit yourself. I’ll see you for the next meeting. Let me know if I need to find another ride.” He climbed out of the car without saying anything else. I watched him walk up the lawn toward the house, pondering on his instigating words. Did he really think I’d let my guard down so easily? I had to prove to him, and also myself that I was stronger. I could deal with his flirting, just like I dealt with Joe. I’d ignore it. I’d pretend it meant nothing. If I showed weakness it would lead to bad things. I couldn’t be that person again.
That night I went to bed restless. He was all I could think about. I couldn’t remember crushing on a guy like this since high school – and yes, that’s what this was. I was more than attracted to him. He was dangerous, exactly what I was drawn to.
I’d been sober for two years, and now I feared for my ability to withstand. Every second I spent with him made me question my decisions.
The next morning I felt terrible. I managed to get up out of bed and do some school work online. It was rare for me to check my social media account, but since I was already on the Internet I wanted to check for messages. Low and behold there was a friend request from a Cole Chase. Since it was obvious I couldn’t stop thinking about him, I decided to creep all over his page. He didn’t have many pictures, but the ones there left me needing to fan myself. Just as I was enlarging one of them my sister came up behind me, startling me as she spoke. “Wow, who is that?”
I closed my laptop and turned to face her. “It’s nobody.”
“Yeah right. Open that back up. He’s hot.”
I fidgeted with my hands, contemplating telling Chris about my situation. “He’s the guy I’ve been helping. He keeps hitting on me, even though it’s against the rules.”
“Who has to know? I mean, I’m not trying to make decisions for you, but he’s clearly good looking. I get that the program frowns upon dating, but you share something in common. In my opinion, it would only make it easier to connect with him.”
“That’s the problem. I keep fighting it, but it’s hard when he makes comments about the two of us having something every time we’re together. Maybe it’s best if I get someone else to sponsor him.”
“Or maybe you should enjoy life for once instead of living in fear. Don’t get me wrong, none of us want to see you fall back to your old ways, but we all deserve the comfort a relationship offers.”
“I have a feeling our parents wouldn’t feel the same. They want me on the straight and narrow.”
“I’m not telling you to run off and marry the guy, Addy. Just have some fun. Do you want me to bring Ethan on a double date?”
“No. I’m not even sure if I’m interested.”
“Of course you are. Now open that back up and let me see the picture.”
I flipped the lid and watched my sister checking out Cole’s attributes. She backed away and shook her head. “What was he into?”
“Pills mostly. Opiates.”
“I’m not you, so I can’t make the choice, but I don’t see what’s so wrong if you go on a date. You could decide you don’t like him.”
“That’s highly unlikely. He’s everything I’m attracted to.”
She giggled. “I was starting to think you were going to join a nunnery.”
“Only Dad would appreciate that choice.”
“You’re telling me. If I brought someone other than Ethan home he’d be different. I got lucky.”
I looked behind her, and then back into Christian’s eyes. “What are you doing here anyway?”
“Mom said she made chicken soup. I wanted to take some home for later.”
“You have a huge kitchen. Do you ever use it?” I asked sarcastically. “You’re such a mooch.”
“Mom offers it. Noah does the same thing.”
She was right. My brother would come over to eat even after he had a house full of children. “True.”
She kissed the top of my head. “If you need to talk about the sexy guy on the screen you can call me. I’m out of here.”
When she left I flipped to some more pictures of Cole. There were a few where he was in full military fatigues. I’m pretty sure a spot between my legs raised in temperature. My god, he was irresistible.
Against my better judgment, I accepted his request then quickly turned off the Wi-Fi so I couldn’t prowl anymore. A few hours
later I had completed all of my classwork. I turned on the Internet to email my assignments in and noticed I had new messages. My body began to tremble as I clicked on the first one from Cole.
From Cole Chase: You’re not real friends until you make it official on the Internet.
From Addison Mitchell: I only accepted so I didn’t hurt your feelings.
I started laughing at myself for replying that way.
Immediately he returned a message.
From Cole Chase: Are you like this with all men, or just the ones you want to get with?
From Addison Mitchell: Who says I want to get with you? I’m your sponsor. It’s my job to be nice to you.
From Cole Chase: I think you’re lying. Are you afraid I might bite?
From Addison Mitchell: I’m afraid I might.
I laughed so hard I had to fan myself because I got lightheaded.
From Cole Chase: Are you admitting you like what you see?
From Addison Mitchell: Are you?
From Cole Chase: I asked you first.
From Addison Mitchell: I’m not answering. Try another girl on your friend’s list. I’ve seen you have quite a fan base.
From Cole Chase: Most are clients. Are you jealous? I thought you weren’t interested.
From Addison Mitchell: I never said I was. Is there a point to this conversation? I have school work to tend to.
From Cole Chase: I’m bored. I figured you’d miss me by now.
From Addison Mitchell: I’m not and I don’t. Are you keeping it together?
From Cole Chase: If I said I wasn’t would you stop what you were doing and come pick me up?
From Addison Mitchell: If you were being serious I would. You can’t slip up.
From Cole Chase: I don’t know anyone here except for my NA sponsor and my stepbrother the cop. Who would I get pills from?
From Addison Mitchell: Addicts always find a way.
From Cole Chase: Why don’t you come over and keep me company? I’m still new at this.
I tapped on my keyboard and thought about what could happen if I went over to hang out with Cole. It was a bad idea. I couldn’t put myself in that sort of situation.
From Cole Chase: I could really use the company, all jokes aside.
There it was. My decision was made. I had to make sure he wasn’t going to slip up, even if it put me directly where I knew I shouldn’t want to be.
From Addison Mitchell: I’ll pick you up in a couple hours. We’ll go somewhere public.
From Cole Chase: It’s a date. See you then.
I rolled my eyes and closed my computer. This guy wasn’t going to let up. I’d tried dressing hideous. I’d tried to say I wasn’t interested. He saw right through the façade.
My willpower was fading, and suddenly, when it came to this man, I didn’t know if I cared.
Chapter 6
Cole
I assumed Addison would know I was messing with her about needing support, but when she showed up three hours later with addiction books, I felt bad for making her think I wasn’t strong enough to fight the urges. To be perfectly honest, when I was with her I didn’t think about popping pills, or feeling different. Being near her was becoming a natural high for me. She was beautiful, quirky, and most of all, innocent. She didn’t think she was, but I saw something different.
When I was alone in my old room at night, it was her face I thought about, her smile that made my problems seem to disappear.
Moving back to Kentucky was something I swore I’d never do. The only thing remaining in this state for me were the demons that haunted me- the mother who abandoned me – the uncle who died in jail because he’d done the unthinkable. Addison should have been off limits as soon as I found out her last name. When she didn’t seem to put two and two together, I decided not to talk about it. Just because I was blood related to the man didn’t mean I wanted to turn out the way he did. I’d never mistreated a woman, and I had no intentions of stealing from anyone.
Yeah, I gotten into trouble. I was backed against a wall and wanted to give up, but I was only hurting myself.
Addison had been the first person I told about my ex-girlfriend; the woman who used me, and left me to the vultures like I meant nothing at all. I don’t know which part of it hurt me worse. I loved her. I wanted to have a future with her – a life she could be happy with. All the while she was lying. Every moment we shared together was a game. Every kiss, confession, and even heartfelt moment was faked, on her part that is. Mine was genuine. I thought she was my future, my forever even.
After being discharged from the Army my life really went downhill fast. I partied too much, and hung out with people in similar situations. We were like nomads, riding around with no real mapped place to go. When my money stopped coming in I gradually lost everything, down to my ride. That Fatboy Harley was my pride and joy. Now it was probably sitting in an impound lot waiting for the bank to seize it.
With no resources left, and little cash to spare, I called the one family who’d always seem to bail me out.
Joe wasn’t thrilled. He’d hated me for years. He meant well. Being a good person, he could only ever see the bad in me. We grew apart in school, and had never been able to reconnect.
He drilled me the whole way home – making sure I knew I had to be clean to come back. He knew I was still high. I suppose that’s why he thought dropping me off at a meeting was a good idea. Little did he know that Addison would reach out to help me.
I could already tell how much it was getting to him – seeing her pick me up, knowing she was spending time with me, when he’d tried for so long for that to be him. A part of me wanted to laugh. He’d always gotten everything he wanted, so the fact that he couldn’t have her was entertaining. What was even better was knowing she wasn’t just looking at me like I was a charity case. From the moment she’d come into the hospital room I saw a glimmer in her eyes. I knew what it was, because I shared the same interest.
Addison was strong-willed, but I was determined. I hadn’t been interested in a woman since I’d had my heart broken. In fact, I hadn’t wanted to be involved with anyone. As soon as I couldn’t shake her from my thoughts I knew Addison was going to be a challenge – one I wouldn’t give up on. The more she denied me, the harder I would try. The chemistry was there. I just had to get her to admit it.
Don’t misconstrue my motives. I didn’t want to taint her beliefs. Fighting the urge to come on to her was getting to be a task. She was like a new drug, and I was dying to try it. I wanted to know her, everything, even what she feared the most.
I looked down at the books she’d brought with her. “You didn’t have to bring me the library.”
“You said you were bored. I figured that would give you something to do instead of bothering me when I’m trying to get work done.”
I snickered and put the books in the backseat. “You liked messaging me. I know you did.”
She wouldn’t reply. While she kept her eyes on the road, I moved my head to the side and kept watching her.
She smiled and glanced my way for a moment. “Oh my gosh, would you stop it? You’re such a weirdo.”
“I like the view. It’s nice. You look good in teal.”
“You think I look good in everything I’ve ever worn.”
“I bet you look even better naked.” I knew I was overstepping, but I was tired of holding back. I wanted to date this girl. I liked being around her and she knew it.
“You’re not ever going to find out.”
“Don’t make promises you know you won’t keep. You want me to take it one day at a time, fine. I’ll do that, but only after you admit you want me. I know you checked me out online.”
“No I didn’t.”
“You mentioned the amount of girls on my friend list.”
She was doing something with her mouth, perhaps to keep a straight face. I guess she didn’t think I’d notice how bad she began to blush. “I’m going to turn this car around and take you hom
e.”
“As long as you come inside, I’m totally up for it,” I teased.
She was grinding her teeth. I could see the way her jaw was moving. I lightly grazed my hand over the smooth skin on her arm. “Tell me what you look for in a man.”
“Skinny. Glasses. I like my men to be short. I like nerds.”
Obviously she’d pick everything I wasn’t. I kept a straight face so she wouldn’t feel like she was getting to me. “That’s a shame. You’ve probably never experienced what it was like to be satisfied then. It’s a pity really. Guys like me have so much to offer.” It was hard to not laugh at my stipulation.
She pulled up to the gates of her family ranch and I almost asked her to turn around and take me back. Addison didn’t know how her parents would react if they knew who I was; where I came from, whose blood was running through my veins. “I don’t know what you have to offer, but we’re here, so you better be nice.”
“Here?” I played dumb, because if she sensed I knew all about her family she’d kick me out of the car and never talk to me again. “This is your family’s ranch, huh?”
“Yep. For as far as the eye can see. Behave, or I’ll bury you somewhere no one will be able to recover.” She giggled when she announced it. “I’m kidding. I’d totally have my brother, Noah do it.”
“Are we meeting parents today? I’m not really dressed to impress.”
“No. I’d warn you first. We’re going to spend the day at the library. I just need to grab a few books that are due.”
We pulled up to a huge home made of logs. It was situated between three sides of woods. Out front was a pasture and a few horses were munching on some long grass. It was exactly how I pictured her house to be. “Wow, this is nice.”
She stepped out of the car and leaned back in. “I’ll be just a second. Do me a favor, don’t touch anything, or get out. We have a very mean dog who is trained to attack strangers.”
I stayed in the car, not because I was afraid of a mutt, but because I really didn’t want to have to introduce myself to any of her family. Luckily Addison was quick. She came out carrying two more books and sat them in the backseat. When she climbed into the front she looked toward me. “Is there a problem?”
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