Should've Been You

by Nicole McLaughlin

  “I just wish she’d told me she was leaving,” she mumbled. “But I guess I’ll have to do this without her here.”

  “What’s that?” Tim asked, looking through the cupboard for something. Hannah held her hand out, smiling. “Daddy. Surprise.”

  Tim turned around, instantly spotting the diamond on Hannah’s finger. His mouth dropped open. “You’re shittin’ me,” he said, smiling.

  Being the amazing father that he was, Tim rushed over to his daughter and wrapped her in a tight hug. “Well, I’ll be. Wasn’t expecting this tonight.” He pulled back and kissed the top of Hannah’s head.

  Jase quickly realized that watching this exchange was harder than the proposal had been. He felt like an interloper, and once again he really wanted to run out. But he forced himself to stand his ground. He could do that for Hannah.

  Next Tim hugged Jonas, who seemed slightly weirded out by the display but graciously hugged his future father-in-law back.

  “Jase,” Hannah whispered, walking over to him. She grabbed his hands, gripping his fists in hers. “I’m engaged.”

  “Yes, you are,” he said for her ears only. “I’m happy for you.”

  “You promise?” She looked right into his eyes, pleading.

  “Absolutely,” he said. And he meant it. She grinned and leaned up to kiss him on the cheek, and although he’d decided this was as it should be, it felt like the end of something.

  The three soon-to-be family members discussed Jonas’s proposal while Hannah helped her father plate dinner up, along with some cheese rolls that Becca had made that morning. Once they began to eat, Jase was grateful the chatter had toned down.

  “This is really good,” Jonas muttered.

  Everyone moaned their approval.

  “Becca loves to cook, and she’s very good at it. It’s one of my favorite things about the holidays when she comes to visit,” Hannah said, and Jase didn’t miss the pride in her voice or in her expression.

  “Looks like I chose the wrong twin,” Jonas said, chuckling. And it was all Jase could do not to grab the back of his striped scarf and choke him to death. It would be easy with his mouth full of pot roast he suddenly didn’t deserve.

  Jase stole a glance at Tim, who just raised an eyebrow in his direction. Hannah appeared to be hurt by the comment. And who wouldn’t be? It was a dick thing to say to your fiancée’s family that you barely knew.

  “Hannah has plenty of amazing qualities.” Jase smiled at her, but although the corners of her lips lifted, she was obviously not appeased.

  “So, uh . . . everyone going to be here for Christmas morning?” Tim asked, trying to change the subject.

  “Of course.” That helped Hannah perk up. “Did you finally put up the tree, Dad?”

  Tim sighed. “Not yet. Just haven’t gotten around to it.”

  “Would you like us to do it tonight? I bet—”

  “Babe, I really can’t be out that late. I have to work in the morning,” Jonas said, interrupting her.

  Jase stared at them, fork halfway to his mouth. Was she really going to cave? It would be so unlike her. Hannah did what Hannah wanted, that’s the way it had always been. But this time, Jase watched as she demurely smiled.

  “That’s fine. Maybe I’ll drive up in a couple of days and Becca and I can do it.”

  “That sounds like a good plan.” Tim smiled at her. “I know Becca will want the tree up. She’s hoping this is the Christmas that Brian finally pops the question. Wouldn’t that be something? Both my girls engaged before the year ends.”

  Jase felt his heart twinge at those words. Things were happening quickly. Things he’d never considered, but probably should have. The Walters had become his chosen family that Christmas Eve night so long ago, and now they were all breaking apart and creating their own families. Without him. Someday Tim would die, and this property would go up for sale. Or one of the girls would move in with her husband. Her children.

  It had been special being a part of the Walters family for so long, and a little part of him had thought maybe he always would be. But he’d never found the nerve—or desire, if he was brutally honest with himself—to make it official with Hannah. That was for the best, he knew that. But the thought of losing this family was painful. Maybe it would be best if he spent Christmas away from them this year.

  SIX

  She had to tell him, Becca thought as she pulled into the underground parking garage of Brian’s apartment building. It was something she’d come to terms with as she’d driven the two hours from her hometown to Kansas City. She was about ninety-five percent sure Brian had a ring, and she just could not go into an engagement with that kiss on her conscience.

  Even though that damn kiss seemed unable to budge from her mind. It was all she thought about, and the guilt was eating her up inside. She kept telling herself that maybe it was for the best. Moving forward in this relationship would now be easier because she was rid of the what-ifs regarding Jase. She’d fantasized about him kissing her for nearly eighteen years. Now she could put that fantasy to bed.

  “No, no, no,” she muttered to herself, finding a parking spot. “No one is going to bed. Not with Jase.” She sighed, putting her car in park.

  She hadn’t told Brian she was coming back today; it would be a surprise. Reaching over, she grabbed the take-out bag she’d picked up from their favorite sushi restaurant, and then made her way to the elevator.

  The minute the doors closed behind her, a horrible thought entered her mind. What if he wasn’t happy to see her? What if . . . someone was here with him? Why had he said he couldn’t come to her dad’s house this week? Had that just been an excuse?

  No, no. That was her guilty mind projecting. Brian was steadfast. Loyal. A good guy. But maybe she should have told him she was coming. She sighed and told her stupid brain to stop it. She was the guilty party here. Not her boyfriend.

  The elevator doors opened on the eighth floor, and the minute she stepped out, her heart began to pound. Why hadn’t she checked for his car in the parking garage? It was possible he wasn’t even home. They hadn’t spoken since yesterday. But it was Sunday evening. If he wasn’t home, something was up.

  She knocked on the door with the back of her hand, unable to pull out her key with her hands full of sushi, her purse, and the overnight bag she’d packed up.

  When he opened the door and smiled, she let out a sigh of relief. “Surprise!”

  “Hey, what are you doing here?” He stepped back to let her in, reaching out to grab her bag.

  “Oh . . . just, you know. Missing you.” Becca headed into his neat-as-a-pin kitchen and set the take-out bag on the counter. “I brought food. Hope you haven’t eaten.”

  “A peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I could do some sushi.” He began rifling through the bag as she set her purse down. Becca took the opportunity to look him over. Brian was good looking, even in the ratty gym shorts he had on. He was successful and easy to like. His mother was a tad overbearing, he was annoyingly particular about the starching of his shirts, and he wasn’t great at foreplay. But those were minor complaints. No one was perfect. Already just being here in his place, surrounded by his Briany scent, made everything feel right again in her world. Being back home in Pierson had been confusing and nostalgic. This was where she belonged, and he was what she wanted. Maybe the kiss had been nothing and bringing it up only risked ruining a good thing.

  Yes, yes. That all made sense.

  She blew out a breath and grabbed a couple of plates out of the cabinet. Before long they were sitting on the sofa, with their dishes scattered across the coffee table.

  “Can we turn the news off?” Becca asked, noticing they weren’t really talking, which was kind of unusual. “It’s so freaking depressing, and I’m planning to drive back home tomorrow so we should make the most of it.”

  “Sure,” Brian said, pointing the remote and silencing the noise. “So, uh, how’s your dad?”

  “He’s good. Dating someo
ne.”

  Brian gave her an eyebrow raise, so she went on to explain what she knew.

  “Well, good for him,” Brian said, shoving a piece of sushi in his mouth.

  “Yeah. I guess so.”

  They continued to eat, not saying much, when Brian finally wiped his face and hands, and then turned toward her. He cleared his throat. “Becca, I’m actually kind of glad you came back tonight.”

  Becca gave a halfhearted smile and took a drink of her water. Kind of glad? How was a woman supposed to take that? “Good. Me too. I liked being able to go home early, but since you couldn’t make it, I was really missing you.”

  His smile was not as warm as she would have hoped. “I was missing you, too.”

  “You sure?” she asked with an awkward chuckle.

  “Of course,” he said, his brow furrowing. “But Beck . . . there’s something I need to tell you.”

  Becca’s stomach plummeted. “What is it?”

  He was quiet for a second too long. “I love you, Becca. You know that.”

  “I think I do,” she said quietly, unable to take her eyes off his nose. Why was she looking at his nose? She forced her gaze to his eyes, which looked pained.

  “I hate having to say this, it’s why I delayed coming to be with you, because . . . well, I just felt so guilty. But you know the woman who started in the marketing department last year? You met her at the picnic this summer.”

  Becca felt dizzy. “Erin.”

  “Yes. Well.”

  “Just spit it out, Brian.” The floor felt shaky under Becca’s feet, and her eyes couldn’t focus on any one thing.

  “She and I kind of . . . fooled around last week.”

  The burning sensation in Becca’s chest sizzled up into her throat. “Fooled around? Like teenagers fool around? What do you mean? Did you have sex with her?”

  He blew out a breath. “No. It didn’t get that far. It was mainly kissing, Becca. A little touching. It was nothing serious and I totally regret it, believe me. I don’t even know why it happened.”

  Was he serious? They touched a little? “Maybe because you wanted it to happen?”

  “Well . . . obviously in that moment I did, but not really. I love you, Becca.”

  Her head jerked back in shock, but she needed to keep her cool. Right now she felt so shocked and hurt, but she really needed to keep what she’d done in mind. She was no innocent. But damn, why did his feel more premediated? He worked with this woman every day. How long had they been flirting? How often did he look at her lustfully? That hurt almost as much as the act itself. Then again . . . how many times had she closed her eyes during sex and imagined Jase? Was that not a betrayal?

  “Say something, Beck,” he pleaded. “The guilt is killing me. I never wanted to hurt you.”

  It was time for her to come clean as well. “I understand that. But . . . you need to know something also. The initial reason I came here was because I felt guilty for something I’d done.”

  His eyes widened. “Something in Pierson?” Then his gaze went dark. “Don’t even tell me, Becca.”

  She stared back at him, knowing that she was going to hurt him with what she had to say. Early in their relationship, during that new time in the beginning when you share all the stories of your past, she’d told him about their neighbor Jase who was like part of their family and her childhood crush. Also told him about how he and her sister had become close, hurting her feelings and making her jealous. A lot of the stories of her past included Jase in one way or another, because he was always around. But it wasn’t long before she realized her emotions must be more obvious than she’d thought, because over the past two years Brian had mentioned it more than once. Especially when things got rocky between them. He liked to mention Jase’s name during little spats between them, implying that maybe she wasn’t over the guy she’d crushed on through high school.

  He was always right, but she’d never admitted that. Now she had to admit this. But he fired off a question before she could speak.

  “Did you sleep with him?” he asked.

  Her eyes enlarged. “No!”

  “But something happened. Didn’t it?” he demanded.

  “Yes, he kissed me. But you seem to be unfairly angry after just telling me what you did. Don’t you think?”

  “Did you kiss him back?”

  “Brian, did you hear what I just said?”

  “Did you kiss. Him. Back?”

  “Yes.”

  His response was to . . . laugh. A cold, hard laugh, Then he pushed off the sofa, stood, and placed his hands on his hips, staring across the room at nothing. “I should have fucking known this would happen eventually.”

  “Can you stop being like this long enough for us to circle back to what you’ve done? Don’t you dare use this as a way to deflect.”

  He turned and stared down at her. “I have every right to be pissed off. Just like you do, But you know as well as I do that what you did is worse.”

  “In what way?” she asked, incredulous. “Because I was busy thinking about how what you did was worse.”

  “How do you come to that conclusion? You’ve always had the hots for this guy. You’ve admitted it yourself.”

  “I never admitted to still having the hots for him. I hadn’t even seen him in years until this week.”

  He glared at her. “I’m not an idiot, Beck. He’s close to your family. I know you’re friends on Facebook with him.”

  “So what! You’re friends with women from your past. I’m friends on Facebook with several other men. That doesn’t mean I have a thing for them.”

  “How do I know?” he sneered.

  She put her hands up, feeling the desire to scream with frustration. “I guess you have to trust me.”

  “Uh-huh, see how well that’s working out for me?” he asked sarcastically.

  “Helloooo?” she practically growled, pointing at him. “Making out with your co-worker is a serious offense. Or have we forgotten that part of this conversation again? How convenient for you that I got kissed right before you came clean.”

  This time he pointed at her. “Don’t tell me you didn’t want it. That you didn’t encourage it.”

  “How dare you say that to me. I did no such thing.” Did she? She hadn’t felt like she did, but there was no denying her attraction to Jase. It was so ingrained into her existence, it was like part of her anatomy. Her guilt resurfaced, but her anger was far from diminished. “Yes, I kissed someone that I’ve known a long time. Before I knew you. But you—” She stood and shoved a fingernail into his chest. “You just met this girl six months ago. And it was someone you worked with. How fucking cliché can you get?”

  He grabbed her hand and held it firmly against him, in anger. She couldn’t help comparing it with the man who’d done the same thing the previous night, but in a completely different way.

  “Are you really going to judge me on my choice of cheating style? Don’t be a hypocrite,” he snarled at her. “And don’t even get me started on how many times we’ve had sex and you’ve had your eyes squeezed shut. Were you thinking of him then? Do you think I don’t notice, Becca?”

  Oh God. She jerked her hand out of his grasp, suddenly furious that he was trying to turn all of this back on her, when he’d admitted to cheating also. “Well then maybe you should have been better on the job. I had to make myself come somehow, didn’t I?”

  His mouth dropped open, his eyes clouding with pain. She’d gone way too far.

  “I’m sorry, Brian. I didn’t mean that.”

  “The hell you didn’t.” He turned and left the room. The sound of his bedroom door slamming startled her.

  She stood there for a moment, completely in shock. When he didn’t come back after a few moments, she proceeded to take their dishes into the kitchen and clean up. The entire time she worried over if she should stay or go, while also hating herself for what she’d done and the things she’d just said. Letting Jase kiss her had been stupid. She’
d known the minute he’d grabbed her hands and shoved them inside his coat that something was about to go down. But oh God, how she’d wanted it. Brian was right. It had been a fantasy come true in so many ways.

  At the same time, she was livid and hurt herself. Had it been Brian’s fantasy to fool around with Erin? Becca could still remember the night they went to dinner and he’d casually mentioned a new woman on the marketing team at his job. Had he instantly been attracted to her? Or had the attraction built up over time as he’d gotten to know her? Becca really wasn’t sure which was worse. A physical reaction or the thought they’d grown intimate in non-physical ways first.

  A tear slid down her cheek, and she sucked in a hard breath. Within moments the tears were coming hard. She sat down on the kitchen floor and leaned her head back on the cabinet.

  She and Brian didn’t make fireworks together, but they made sense. There was mutual respect for each other’s careers, a shared love of cinematic documentaries, and both had agreed early on that jealousy was an irrational, self-serving emotion.

  Look how that had worked out for them?

  But that didn’t mean this was unsalvageable. Did it? Every couple had bumps along the way. Maybe they’d needed this shake-up. Things had been stagnant. Easy, yet uninspiring. Maybe a healthy dose of jealousy would spice things up. She could also be losing her mind.

  It was hard to say how much time had passed while she sat on the hardwood floor, when Brian walked into the kitchen. She looked up at him.

  “Can I sit?” he asked.

  “Of course.” She wiped at her eyes with the edge of her hand.

  He settled next to her, but not close enough to touch she noticed immediately. “I’m sorry, Beck. I shouldn’t have done it.”

  “I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have done what I did, or said what I said.”

  He stared at her, his eyes assessing. And in that moment, as she stared into his face . . . she knew a sad truth. “This is never going to work. Is it?”

  The expression on his face didn’t change; he just continued to stare. He swallowed. “Do you want it to?”