Desolate

by Guilliams,A. M.

  “She’s got the most beautiful green eyes that I’ve ever seen and long, dark brown hair. She’s got this sadness about her that makes me want to wrap my arms around her and never let her go, but at the same time I can see the fight in her just waiting to be unleashed. She’s unsure of something, and I want to figure out what it is so I can help her get to the other side of it. There’s just so much emotion that clogs up my thoughts when I get around her, that I don’t know how to handle it. Then I end up making an ass out of myself in the process. It’s kind of funny when I think about it now, but embarrassing as hell when I’m living in those moments,” I confessed, feeling better and better the more I poured my soul out to my father.

  “And just how bad did you make an ass out of yourself? This I have to hear. All of my sons’ are such smooth talkers. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a story about any of you making an idiot out of yourselves in front of a woman.” He apparently loved the fact that I was such a fool.

  “Well, every time I get around her, I scare the daylights out of her. Not on purpose or anything, but this last time, I scared her so bad that she fell backward on her ass as she screamed her head off. God I’m such an idiot when it comes to this girl, Dad. You’ve got no idea. I’ve never been this way around the opposite sex. What the hell has this woman done to me?” I pleaded, needing to know how in the world I would get over the feelings that coursed through me when she was near so that I never had to live in those embarrassing moments ever again.

  “That’s called the pull, son. That feeling when you’re around her, that calls out to you, it’s the same reason you’re acting like an idiot. But in the same sense, it’s the most amazing feeling in the world once you figure it out. I can’t tell you how to overcome the idiocy, but I can tell you that you’ll never be able to ignore the pull. It’s kind of like guitar strings in a sense. They need to be pulled tight in order to produce the proper sound. The pull’s no different. The strings that have bonded you together will get tighter and tighter the more you’re around her until you’ve both been drawn together the way you should be. Now you might want to get the answers to those questions that I told you to get answered. Cause it sounds like the pull has already started to get tighter on your end. I don’t want you to crash and burn because you got closer than you should have with another man’s woman.” He made sense on one hand but completely fucked with my head on the other. Now I had to figure out a way to bring up the rings that she wore on her finger without having her breakdown on me yet again.

  I drank the last of my water and patted my dad’s shoulder as I walked by to head to bed. He gave me so much to think about, and I feared that sleep would allude me for quite some time tonight because I was bound and determined to figure this shit out before I let sleep claim me.

  “Thanks for the words of wisdom tonight, Dad. It feels good to know that you understand exactly what I’m going through. Now I just gotta figure out where I want this to go and if it’s even worth it in the end,” I replied as I walked out of the room.

  Vaguely, I heard him respond, “If everything works out the way I hope it does, you’ll never have a greater feeling in the world than when those strings are bound as tight as they’ll go and the love that you feel is able to make the most joyous music to your ears.”

  Chapter 15

  Magdalena

  Monday came all too soon and I was nowhere near understanding what had occurred on Friday night. When Weston was around, my whole body tingled and my mind turned to mush, but the nerves always got the better of me and I had no clue how to stop it. They were getting better, but I didn’t know how I felt about the feelings I got when he was around. The toughest part about those feelings was that I had no one I could ask. No one that I could turn to when things got tough to lean on. There was only me, and my mind was nowhere near being in the best shape to give my own self advice. He confused me to no end, and I didn’t know what I would do regarding how I felt when he was around, but I did know one thing. I wasn’t quite ready for what I felt for him, and I didn’t know how to stop it.

  While I cleaned today, I’d decided that the best course of action would be avoidance. That was until I could figure everything out in my mind. I checked the time and realized that Weston and Clyde should be returning soon. I went out to the barn and got Shadow ready for our daily ride. Today was extra chilly, and I made sure that I grabbed my thick socks and the biggest coat I could find. I couldn’t get the chill out of my body, and I stayed wrapped up in sweaters all day; which was odd for me considering I was always hot-natured.

  Shadow and I reached our hill and I hopped off, both of us walking over to the bench. She knew the routine just as well as I did. Only today she lay down at my feet and looked out over the horizon with me, instead of grazing or seeking attention the way that she normally did. The moment we’d gotten settled, I allowed my mind to be free of all thoughts, taking in the scenery and the feeling this place evoked inside of me.

  I was so lost in thought that when I felt something graze my hand, I almost jumped out of my own skin. If it weren’t for the fact that I recognized the spark that coursed through me, I probably would’ve screamed. Taking a deep breath, I turned toward the person sitting beside me. So much for avoiding him.

  “I figured lightly grazing your hand was safer than speaking,” he stated with the sly grin that I’d grown accustomed to seeing when he spoke to me.

  “You’re probably right, even though you still scared me a little.”

  “I just can’t win. I think I’m just destined to scare you when I come around,” he laughed as he put his arm on the back of the bench and turned toward me. I made sure that I still had a tight hold on Shadow’s reins as I mimicked his posture and turned toward him, resting my left hand under my cheek to hold up my head.

  “Nah. It’s kinda funny when you think about it. Even if my heart gets a workout every time you’re around,” I joked back, attempting to keep the mood light.

  “Clyde told me where I might find you. I wanted to see you before I left for the day. I hope you don’t mind, but I do have a few questions for you. I wanted to make sure it was okay to ask them before I sprung them onto you.” So much for keeping the mood light, but in a way I knew it was coming and it needed to be dealt with regardless.

  “Ask away,” I nervously responded, already knowing what he was going to ask, but fearing the questions at the same time.

  “Where’s your husband?” he whispered after a brief pause, causing my breath the hitch in my throat as he looked over to the rings on my left hand. I knew he was going to ask, and I should’ve been better prepared.

  Without taking too long to answer, I whispered the only response that I could think of. The truth. “Heaven.” The moment the lone word was out of my mouth I turned my head away from his stare, not wanting to see his reaction to my confession. The only response that I received from my answer was the gasp that escaped him when he heard my answer.

  “That wasn’t what I was expecting you to say. I just thought you moved here to escape a bad breakup or something.” The shock in his voice gave away that he didn’t know what else to say.

  “Hence, the reason I’m not used to being around people. It’s all too hard. The constant explanations that people want, then the accompanying pity that I’d get when they learned the truth. I didn’t want any of that when I moved here. I’d gotten that much from where we lived. So when I moved here, I vowed to stay away from people. It was easier than the alternative in my mind. Now I’m partially regretting that logic because I’d gotten used to only being around Clyde, and I don’t quite know how to respond to people anymore,” I confessed, wanting this conversation to be over with.

  “I’m so sorry for your loss. I’d ask what happened, but I can tell you don’t want to discuss it. So, I’ll just put it out there that when you’re ready, I’ll be here to listen.” The gentleness of his voice making me feel comforted when all I really wanted was the comfort of my own bed at the moment.<
br />
  “What’s your other question?” I asked, hoping to hurry this along so I could get back home. The chill of the afternoon air had made me colder than I was before I arrived to my special place.

  “I don’t really know how to ask it now. After hearing your response to the other question, I’m thinking I should wait to ask,” he replied as he looked away from me.

  “Hey. There’s no time like the present. Why don’t we get the hard questions out of the way so that we don’t have to revisit them,” I goaded, attempting to get him to fall for my ploy so that I’d never have to revisit the guilt that had crept up at the mention of my husband. I’d done a good job thus far in repressing the memories so they didn’t constantly choke me on a daily basis, and I didn’t want them to creep back in now.

  He turned back toward me and grabbed both of my hands within his own. The mere touch of them started to warm the coldness that had graced my fingertips. He caressed each finger within his own hands, attempting to warm them as he prepared to ask the question that seemed more difficult for him to ask than the previous one.

  “Here goes nothing. Um. So Friday when you saw my daughter for the first time, I got the impression that you feared the revelation that I had a child. Can you explain that to me?” That wasn’t quite what I thought was coming, but now the harder part of my revelation would begin. A part that I thought I’d get to hold near and dear to me for a little while longer. I licked my lips to settle my nerves before I confessed the other part of me that was missing.

  “I told you that my husband, Andrew, was in Heaven. Well, so is my son, Liam. They both died about ten months ago,” The tears I tried to hold in fell down my face. This was why I didn’t want to be around people. They needed to know everything. Their curiosity always got the better of them. And now, he’d look at me differently. He’d treat me with fragile gloves which would eventually drive me to a point of madness. I didn’t know which was worse. The fact that I felt this way at having to confess my grief to him or the fact that instead of thinking about my husband and child I was more worried about how he’d handle the fact that I’d lost it all.

  “Jesus,” he whispered as he pulled me closer to him, the warmth pouring off of his body as he held me as tight as he could. Today was only the fifth time I’d allowed myself to cry since I’d gotten here, and he’d seen the fourth time only a few days ago. It felt good to let out the emotion, but I feared what it’d bring in the long run. I couldn’t allow their memories to consume me ever again. They always managed to take hold and never let go. I’d just gotten to a place in my life where I attempted to live again, and I couldn’t afford to take any steps backwards.

  “I honestly had no idea. I’d asked Clyde what brought you here, but he told me it wasn’t his story to tell. I’d never have guessed this in a million years. There are no words to express how sorry I am that you had to endure such a loss. No wonder you acted the way you did to the fact that I had a child,” he stated as his hands ran up and down my back.

  He still had no unearthly idea as to the amount of grief I’d gone through in such a short time. And he probably never would. After today, I wouldn’t be surprised if he wanted nothing else to do with me. Better yet, I didn’t know if I’d want anything else to do with him. All I could think about right now was the fact that I was in his arms, allowing him to hug me and what that could possibly mean about how horrible of a person that I was.

  My brain was riddled with a massive amount of questions and guilt, but for some reason I couldn’t allow myself to move. I needed the comfort that he was so easily giving, not having felt anyone hug me in a very long time. But what in the world did this all mean? And how would I handle it in the end? Would the grief win out over what I feared my heart wanted more? Or was it time to finally see how much I could allow myself to live again, consequences be damned?

  As I was lost in the incessant amount of questions that my brain kept throwing at me, the loss of his warmth brought me out of my trance. Only I couldn’t lift my head to look at him. I didn’t want him to see me at my weakest yet again. I brought my hands up to wipe away my sorrows, but he moved them out of the way, his thumbs slightly grazing underneath my eyes to rid my face of the wetness of my grief.

  “I have a feeling that you don’t know just how strong of a person you truly are,” he whispered as he moved closer, his breath caressing my cheek as he spoke the last few words. The sad thing was that he was right. Someone I’d had only brief encounters with had pegged me from the start, something else I had to fear. Just how well he could see right through me.

  “I’m not strong at all. I only appear to be,” I confessed, still looking down at the bench. The sun had started to go behind the hills, indicating just how late it had become, only I didn’t want this feeling to end. The peaceful yet accelerating feeling I’d gotten from just being here with him.

  “That’s where you’re wrong. I’m not sure a weaker person could’ve made it to the other side of such a loss,” he replied with a soft tone as he rested his arm on the back of the bench yet again and scooted his body so that his leg was flush against mine.

  “Would a stronger person suppress her grief just so that she didn’t have to face it? Would a stronger person allow herself to suppress any memories of her husband and son just so that she could get through another day? I don’t really think so. That’s what I’ve done just so that I could have some semblance of a life. So I could gain the courage to leave our home and not look back,” I confessed, willing myself to not let another bout of tears fall.

  “That doesn’t make you weak. That makes you a survivor in my eyes. You’ll face it all when you’re good and ready.”

  All I could do was nod. If I spoke in that moment, I’d surely cry.

  “Why don’t we head back? It’s getting late, and I need to be getting back to Grace before she drives my parents insane.” The second he mentioned his daughter his tone changed to the happy sound I was used to hearing.

  “How old is she?”

  “She’ll be three in a couple of months, but she’s going on twenty.” Instantly becoming the doting father at the mere mention of his pride and joy. I attempted to hide the sorrow I felt at his confession. There wasn’t much of an age difference between her and Liam, and it made me sad that I’d never get to experience any of the things he was about to experience with my little boy. I’d been robbed of so much.

  “She does appear to be a little diva,” I replied, hoping like hell that I’d done a good job of suppressing my feelings. I didn’t care to explain any of them away just yet.

  “That she is. That she is,” he replied as he shook his head with laughter.

  The rest of the walk home was light and cheerful, but the nagging in the back of my mind didn’t stray very far. Now the question was to act or not to act. Did I act on our apparent connection, or did I ignore it and hope like hell he’d do the same? Oh the dilemma that I faced.

  Chapter 16

  Magdalena

  This morning as I woke to the sound of my alarm clock, all I wanted to do was to go back to sleep. Last night was a long night of contemplating. All I could think about was what Weston had said. He thought I was strong, but boy was he wrong. I was weaker than anything, especially now. I’m grown up enough to admit that I have gone about grieving the wrong way, but it was the only way I could think of to get me through it. Did that mean I forgot about Andrew and Liam? Hell no. It just meant that I put them in the back of my mind and kept them there. Now that he’d come into the picture, he was the reason that I’d been dredging up the past. Memories here and there of the man that I loved so dearly and the child I so desperately wanted to hold in my arms again came back every so often. When he’d asked me if I’d ever thought about talking to them, I wanted to laugh. Only every second of every day before I moved out here. But I didn’t want to have a conversation with them in the same sense he was referring to. I actually wanted to talk to them. In person. To be able to touch them and laugh with them
as we ran through the events of our days together. But that would never happen. Hence why I suppressed it all. The emotion. The grief. But most of all the feelings that came along with both. You see, it wasn’t the emotion or the grief that got to me the most. It was the feelings that the grief and the emotion evoked within me when a memory would come to the forefront of my mind that choked me each and every time I turned around. That’s what I couldn’t handle. That’s why I’m still the weak woman that I am. Because I can’t fully face the deaths and the finality of the situation. I know I’m alone in this world. I’m reminded it of it constantly, but facing it is just too hard.

  Now this man who didn’t know me from a hole in the wall wanted to help me apparently, but I didn’t know what to do with all of that. I’ve been so used to handling it all by myself that I didn’t know if I could let anyone else get close enough to help. Hell, Clyde has been here all along and I refuse to take his advice. I knew that more than enough time had passed, but I still wasn’t ready. Maybe one day I would be. But today nor tomorrow would be the day that I’d face it. That day still seemed as far off as I could imagine.

  The alarm clock made itself known again with its annoying sound, and I knew that I’d laid there long enough. The coffee wouldn’t make itself and the horse wouldn’t magically get fed.

  I took care of my morning routine and grabbed the robe off the hook on the back of my bedroom door, slinging it over my shoulders. The house was awfully chilly this morning, and I needed the extra coverage to make it down the stairs and into the kitchen. The furnace definitely needed to be turned up about ten notches.