The Wreck of Our Hearts

by Yajna Ramnath

  He was one of those romance novel suit types. I didn’t care that he was a complete stranger and could possibly be a serial killer. I just wanted to be touched and feel attractive for a little bit.

  I slid my hand on top of his and moved with him. He whispered things into my ear all night and eventually we had more drinks together. Somewhere and somehow, I pulled him with me into one of the women’s stalls.

  I closed my eyes against the sight of my face in the murky mirror on the back of the stall door. Who even puts mirrors in there? Do people watch as they pee?

  My five-year sex break came to an abrupt end as the stranger pushed his condom covered dick into me. I clutched the door handle and squeezed my eyes shut. I knew I'd hate myself the next day. For the night, I did not care.

  Chapter Eight

  Dasher

  Aria walked into the apartment around seven the next morning. She looked exactly as she did when she left yesterday with not a hair out of place, her clothes were not rumpled, and her makeup was on point. Her eyes told a different story, they were puffy and bloodshot.

  I didn’t know whether to be impressed, relieved or worried that she was covering up something much more.

  Katya and Olivia sat at the kitchen counter, barely able to contain their worry and anger at the fact that she hadn’t picked up her phone at all last night. Also, they were just as mad as I was that she said she was going to meet up with them.

  Aria stopped short with one eyebrow raised as she took everyone in. “Good morning?”

  “Really?” I gritted. Was she really going to play this off as if this wasn’t out of character for her?

  She frowned at me. “What’s up with you?”

  “What’s up with him?” Olivia burst. “Where the hell were you?”

  “Out,” Aria shrugged.

  “You told Dasher that you were with us last night,” Katya said worriedly, yet softly.

  Aria snorted as she looked at me. “I think the exact words were I’m probably going to head there.”

  “Irrespective of what your exact words were,” Olivia gritted. “We had no idea where you were, and you did not even answer your phone!”

  Aria smiled. Her pouty lips taking on a cupid bow shape. “I left my phone here. Considering how you mishear things, Dasher, it doesn’t surprise me that you didn’t hear the phone ring.”

  I stared at her partially stunned. I’ve never known her to be outwardly rude or callous in the way she spoke to anyone let alone me. “Are you okay, Aria?”

  “I’m fine, Dasher,” she said sarcastically. “I just do not appreciate the ambush.”

  “I did not mean to ambush you,” I swallowed, suddenly feeling really out of place. “I was worried about you.”

  “Why are you behaving this way, Aria?” Katya asked softly. Her kind eyes were full of understanding while Olivia was burning with rage. “Did something happen? Was there a trigger?”

  Aria started to laugh without humor startling us all. “What is it with all of you? I went out to have a little fun for the night. I left my phone behind so things like this did not happen every hour of the time that I was out. Is that so fucking hard to understand?”

  That was the first time I had ever heard her swear.

  “It’s not like you—”

  “So does that mean I cannot decide to change things?” she cuts Olivia off. “You keep getting on my case about how I need to move on and finally go out and live my life. Was there a stipulation that the only time I’m allowed to do that is if I’m with either one of you?”

  “No one said that,” Katya tried to reassure her while Olivia just stared at Aria as if she was seeing her for the first time.

  "You know what," Aria sighed. "I'm tired. I had a really long night. Actually, I had a fun night. Obviously, you are all going to make me feel bad about it for the rest of my life so at least let me bask in the aftermath for an hour or two."

  We watched as Aria stalked into her bedroom. She closed her door. I was amazed that she did not slam it, but instead, we all lapsed into silence staring at the closed door.

  “You are quite mean to Aria,” Susan’s voice jolted us all.

  "What do you mean, Susan?" Katya asked while Olivia shook her head. Clearly, Olivia was not in the mood to listen to the unstable Susan.

  "Aria has sadness in her eyes," Susan bites her attractive lips. Really, all these women seem to look like they stepped off a catalog. Even off-beat Susan. "She was in a lot of pain."

  “But she has us to talk to, Susan,” Olivia snapped. “She shouldn’t have disappeared.”

  “You always judge, judge, judge,” Susan sang. “Don’t do this Aria… don’t feel this Aria… don’t think this Aria… don’t go out Aria.” Susan began dancing her way back out the apartment. “Even you, Dasher… no one expects it of you…”

  I stared in amazement as the reality of what Susan said hit me. Aria had once taken my hand and practically saved my life without judgment. On many occasions, she had made it clear that she had gone through something that she had not recovered fully from.

  Considering I was in that same position, I hated the fact that I did exactly what my mother and Travis have always done to me.

  I glanced up at Katya and Olivia who both began gathering their things. “We’ll call her later. She won’t even listen right now.”

  “I disagree,” Olivia said. “She’s going to get up, apologize and then feel guilty for how she spoke to us for at least a week. It’s textbook Aria. We’ll be back after work, Dasher.”

  I watched the girls leave, they had looks of sadness and worry on their faces. Aria did not realize that she was deeply cared for. I made my way down the short hall and stood at her door. It was silent.

  Chancing the fact that I may or may not get screamed at again, I turned the handle. I was surprised to find it unlocked.

  I sucked in a breath as I found Aria face first on top of her red and black gothic comforter. She was dressed in a white tank and pale pink panties. Her hair flopped all over and her mouth hung opened as she slept. She must have been really tired.

  I looked around her room at the vanity and the steel trolley railings like the ones in the stores that held all her clothes. Her room was rustic. It was so her. In the corner of her room was a desk and chair with her MacBook lying on its side.

  I walked over and made sure I didn’t make a sound. I turned the laptop over and heard something clink. Quickly ensuring that Aria hadn’t woken, I opened the laptop and blinked profusely. The glass was cracked.

  I knew how anal she was about her electronics, so the fact that she managed to do this and still go out at the end of the day, told me that something was seriously wrong with her. I walked over to the side of the bed and tentatively used my index and middle fingers to move the hair away from her face. I was stunned to find that her hair was damp. I looked closer and found makeup stained tear tracks.

  Something about seeing her that way hit something deep within me. It made me think of Emma. It had me remembering how many time I woke to her sniffles or see the evidence of dried tears on her plump cheeks.

  Seeing her dark-haired angelic face in my mind snapped me into action. As quietly as possible, I exited the house. I jumped into the TT and sped down the lanes and highways heading onto Williamsburg Bridge. Marble Cemetery during the day was just as somber as it was at night.

  There were nights when I’d wind up drunk stumbling through the cobblestoned pathways that I calmly walked through now. I hated how the freshly cut lawn smelt. I despised how beautifully the trees grew. I even disliked the sight of the miniature church where Emma’s ceremony took place.

  I pushed opened the gate of the Camden family plot. It was an artistic space. I reached the slab beautifully placed with the earth growing around it.

  EMMALINE HAWKE

  1990 – 2017

  BELOVED DAUGHTER, SISTER & FRIEND

  DANCE WITH THE ANGELS, LITTLE BIRD.

  It was incredibly hard to lo
ok at her grave without tears brimming in my eyes. I always felt like a failure when I came here. I always hated myself and my brother even more for having to face this.

  “I don’t know what to do, Emma,” I said as I sat on my ass and cross my hands over my knees, clutching them to my chest as if they would protect me from my feelings. “She is as broken as me, maybe even more so.”

  The leaves rustled along the ground behind me and I imagined Emma in her favorite black skinny jeans which were ripped at the knees and her Foo Fighters concert t-shirt. Her dark hair was always cut in a chin-length bob.

  “I want to help her, Emma, but how do I help someone else when I can’t even help myself?”

  I imagined her soft hands at the back of my neck. “You can help yourself by helping her, Dashy.”

  I closed my eyes as I tried so hard to remember what she sounded like. Two years seemed like just yesterday. Just yesterday that I found her on her bedroom floor.

  I shook that image out of my head and looked around at the stillness of the cemetery. It was a sobering thought I was surrounded by rows and rows of people, both good and bad, who lost their lives. People who were younger than me and maybe even my age were erased from this earth with nothing but a slab of concrete to commemorate their lives into a sentence or two. I needed to start appreciating the fact that I was still alive.

  This was the pep talk I gave myself every time I came to her grave, and each time I left, I found myself at a bar.

  Except for this one time…

  Aria

  My head felt like a bowling ball rolled around in it. My mouth tasted as if something crawled inside it and died. I tried to unstick my hair from my face. It was gross. I either drooled or cried in my sleep which had strands of my hair sticking to my face.

  I peeped out my window and realized that it was dark, I slept all day. I glanced at my Mac and its sorry state. I hadn’t realized that when I stormed away from Starbucks, I slammed it shut a little too hard.

  I grabbed a change of clothes and my bath towel. I was in and out of the shower in record time. I caught a glimpse of Dasher moving around the kitchen as I made my way back to my room to dry my hair and assess the damage to my laptop.

  I opened the grey contraption and almost cried. There was a large crack diagonally across the screen and a piece of glass fell out from the corner. It looked more like I took a hammer to it than me slamming it.

  My stomach cried out for food, so I swallowed my pride and made my way into the kitchen. I wasn't at all surprised to see that the girls, as well as the guys, were all seated in the lounge watching something about zombies on the large screen.

  They all looked at me as I entered their line of sight. The guys greeted me normally, obviously clueless to whatever was going on with me. Clay gave me such an attractive grin that I almost wished I could just take him into my bedroom and forget all about the asshole who broke my heart or the asshole I live with.

  I waved at Clay and Parker and then went into the kitchen. I made myself a grilled-cheese sandwich despite there being pasta from some restaurant the girls liked. I wasn't in the mood to play nice, especially after their ambush this morning.

  I knew they had to be worried considering that I was MIA. Honestly, it wasn’t a big deal. In fact, I looked forward to doing it again.

  I’m pretty sure the girls were waiting for the usual Aria Apology and a whole lot of bonding time. For the first time though, I wasn’t into it at all. I loved my best friends, but I needed to not be in their presence right now.

  I walked back to my room and this time I wasn't at all surprised to find Susan draped across my bed in southern belle pose while wearing one of my brown ball-gowns.

  “Susan,” I said with a nod as I locked my door.

  “Locking your door with the crazy lady in here?” she gasped. “What is wrong with you?”

  I rolled my eyes. “I honestly wonder whether you are just faking it all.”

  “That would be the most absurd thing I have ever heard,” she said, appalled.

  “Sure,” I rolled my eyes and ate my cheesy goodness.

  “So was it fun?”

  I looked at Susan with my head tilted. “Was what fun?”

  “The sex!” she clapped her hands.

  “How the hell do you know that?” I asked in a loud whisper, anxiously looking at the door as if I expected it to open at any second.

  “I know a lot of things,” she sang. “I heard you talking to yourself in the bathroom. You really should close the door properly.”

  “I did close the door,” I pushed back my messy blonde hair. “You just have a habit of opening it!”

  Susan laughed as if I told her the funniest joke and hopped off my bed. She jerked the door opened to reveal a startled Katya and then skipped down the hall.

  Katya stood awkwardly. She looked beautiful as always. She was dressed in a Killer t-shirt with bootleg jeans. Her long hair was pulled back into a low ponytail, she had on minimal makeup and still managed to look like she was on the cover of a magazine.

  “Can I come in?” she asked hesitantly.

  I shrugged. “Sure.”

  Katya stepped inside and closed the door slowly behind her. She took a quick look around my room and smiled at the massive photo frame on the wall with the three of us from last year.

  “That was our Christmas meet,” she reminisced. “Such an amazing time.”

  I didn’t point out that, two weeks after that my world turned upside down because honestly, I wasn’t in the mood to fight with anyone. I was more concerned with the fact that fixing the laptop was going to cost me money that I didn’t have.

  “I know you felt ambushed this morning,” Katya started. “I also know that what we insinuated was unfair. I guess we’re just not used to you going off on your own and not letting either of us know where you are.”

  “I had a split-second decision,” I rolled my eyes and turned my laptop to face her. “The Mac shattered and I don’t know how I’m going to pay for the repairs, so I automatically just wanted a night out to forget the impending doom.”

  “You know I don’t believe that for a second, right?” Katya raised a brow.

  "To be honest, Kat, I don't care," I said with a sigh and slid off my bed. I walked towards the window and looked at the quiet backyard of the townhouse next door. "I've spent so much time caring and worrying about protecting everyone's feelings, for once I just want to care and protect myself."

  "That's a complete three-sixty from seeing you a week ago," she said as she stood next to me.

  “I thought you said that change has no time limit,” I snorted. “Of course, when it comes to me the rules change, right?”

  “Aria—”

  “Am I being stubborn? Probably. Am I going to regret some of the choices I am making? Definitely,” I said to her. “But let me make them instead of hiding behind you and Olivia, and watching life pass me by.”

  “I did not realize that you felt that way,” Katya frowned.

  I snorted. "No one does. I have been hell-bent on taking advice and cautioning myself because somewhere in the back of my head I don't want to be judged. Somewhere in a place where my heart is filled with hope, I don't want the next guy to have to be ashamed of the choices I chose to make."

  “No one will judge you, you went through something extremely terrible—”

  “Yeah,” I turned and looked at Katya. “I went through something terrible, I’m trying to process it all and deal with it even a year later. I know it’s too late to behave the way that I am, but I want the chance to make those mistakes and have no one to answer to but myself. Do you understand that?”

  Katya walked forward and laid a hand on my shoulder. “I want to say that I understand. Unfortunately, for the many years that Olivia and I know you, you have shown us that you were strong and could handle anything. We were always guiding you because we felt that you didn’t deal with things the way you should’ve. This sudden change in you, it threw us
for a loop.”

  “And yet it was one night,” I chuckled. “It was one night that I decided to take all to myself and enjoy the company of a stranger.”

  “Wait, what?” Katya’s eyes widened. “You slept with someone? I thought sex was a big deal for you?”

  “I thought love was a big deal for me too, Katya,” I shrugged. “Turns out I’m the only one who thinks that these things are big deals.”

  Chapter Nine

  Dasher

  I traced my fingers along the vinyl as I waited for my set to begin. My mind was all over the place. Paisley wanted me to have dinner with her family today, Aria was still a little off, and Travis made contact yesterday to remind me that I had to make an appearance at the Camden Publications board meeting.

  I wasn't a businessman nor was I hoping to be, but I had shares in the family business and I was also the sole inheritor of all Emma's shares as well. I had to make an appearance on behalf of both of us or Travis and David would snatch up our inheritance like a shark encountering blood.

  I start my set with a popular song that has the crowd roaring with pleasure. That sound alone pumps my blood and brings a smile to my face. I beat match the song halfway through with a throwback song from the sixties which creates an even crazier vibe.

  They love the music. Right now, they love me. Getting into it I made sure that the levels of the music balanced and that there wasn’t any distortion as I used my scratch technique to switch the songs to another song.

  The crowd stayed with me through it all. At one point I did a three-sixty turn and simultaneously took my shirt off. It was overkill and I didn't give a fuck. For two hours I could pretend that I was in a completely different world.