The Secret Laundry Monster Files

by John R. Erickson

  I paced back and forth, chewing my lip and thinking deeply on this stunning new twist in the case. Was it possible that Eddy was telling the truth? Only minutes before, I would have scoffed at the very idea. But now . . . hmmm . . . the evidence was impressive, I had to admit that, and even more impressive was that I had gathered it all myself—including the all-important measurement of the Laundry Monster.

  That was a solid fact that wouldn’t budge. Our best measurement guy from the Security Division had done the work and had taken his readings on a Laser Spyometer. How could you argue against evidence like that?

  I stole a glance at the suspect. He had finished chewing up and shredding the weed stem. Now he was juggling three rocks in the air. Eddy couldn’t sit still. Was that a clue? No. It was a fact but not a clue. There’s a difference, you know. Some facts are clues and some . . . Never mind.

  Having submitted all the evidence to rigorous and heartless analysis, I whirled around and faced the suspect. “Okay, Eddy, we’ve reviewed all the data and we’ve reached a verdict. We find you not guilty of the charges of impersonating a Laundry Monster. You’re free to go.”

  For some reason, he started laughing.

  Chapter Six: The Mysterious Lost Candy

  I talked over to him and glared into his masked face. “Why are you laughing at the verdict of this court?”

  “Just happy. Glad I’m cleared. I was scared, real scared. Know what I mean?”

  I allowed the Scowling Muscles in my face to relax. “Okay, Eddy, if that’s all it was, we’ll accept that. There for a minute, I thought . . . Let me be frank. Every time I’m around you, Eddy, I get the feeling that I’m about to be conned.”

  “By me? Ha. Couldn’t happen. You’re too sharp, way ahead of me.”

  “Well I . . . I wouldn’t have put it that way . . . I mean, modesty wouldn’t permit me to come right out and say that, but you’ve raised a good point.” I reached down and gave him a pat on the shoulder. “You’ve come a long way, little buddy, but you’ve still got much to learn from the Head of Ranch Security.”

  “Right. You bet.”

  “And I’m just thankful that we came through this investigation without any casualties. That Laundry Monster was one of the scariest things I’ve ever encountered on this ranch. I wonder where he went.”

  Eddy glanced over both shoulders, then whispered, “Probably still around.”

  “You think so? He lost his sheet, you know.”

  “Yeah. Running around naked. He’ll be back, steal another sheet.”

  That opened my eyes. “You really think so?”

  “Oh sure. They can’t stand to be naked. You know that.”

  “I do? I mean . . . yes, you’re exactly right. It’s common knowledge.”

  “What’ll we do? If he comes back?”

  I swallowed. “Well, I really don’t know. To tell you the truth, I’d hoped he wouldn’t.”

  Eddy started walking to the west. “Better hide. Feed barn.”

  “Hey, Eddy . . .” He kept going, so I ran after him. “Look, pal, it’s easy for you to walk away from a monster attack, but I’m Head of Ranch Security.”

  He shot me a glance. “Yeah? You saved the house. What’d you get?”

  “Well, for one thing, I got the satisfaction of . . .”

  “Got in trouble, right?”

  “Okay, Loper was a little steamed because I woke him up, but at a deeper level . . . What are you saying, Eddy? Are you saying that . . .? Hmmm, you’ve got a point there. I mean, I put my life on the line and they yell at me and tell me to shut up my barking.”

  “Not fair.”

  “No, it’s not fair at all, and sometimes I think . . .”

  “Let ’em suffer. Serves ’em right.”

  “Sometimes I think I ought to walk off the job and let ’em suffer. It would serve ’em right.”

  “Great idea. Never thought of that.”

  “Yeah, well, you’ve never been Head of Ranch Security. You just don’t know . . .”

  “Right. Injured pride, hurt feelings, stuff like that.”

  “Exactly. And why should I . . .” I looked around and saw that we were nearing the corrals. “Where did you say we’re going?”

  “Feed barn.”

  I stopped. “Wait a minute. Why are we going to the feed barn? I mean, why not somewhere else? Eddy, this isn’t one of your famous deals, is it?”

  He glanced around and dropped his voice to a whisper. “Can’t tell you. It’s a secret. You’ll see.” He walked on.

  Well, I had nothing better to do, and I was kind of curious about what his “secret” might be, so I accompanied him down to the feed barn. Do you remember the feed barn? It was an old shed in the southeast corner of the corrals, made of cedar poles and one-by-eight lumber. It had a dirt floor and a tin roof. Since it was handy to the corrals and somewhat weather tight, we used it for storing hay and horse feed.

  You might also remember that the door was warped at the bottom, just enough so that a clever dog could wiggle his way inside, in case he . . . well, got in trouble up at the house and needed a place to hide out for a while. I had used it for a hideout on several occasions and it had come in handy.

  The only problem with that warped door was that our local raccoons knew about it too, and on several occasions they had broken in and torn up sacks of horse feed, “sweet feed” it’s called, because it contains molasses, as well as corn, barley, and other grains. It comes in fifty-pound paper sacks, don’t you know, and raccoons love to rip up the sacks.

  That was a Major No-No, raccoons getting into the sweet feed, but at the present time it happened to be no problem. Why? Because we were out of horse feed, or almost out. I knew that, because keeping up with all the ranch inventory was part of my job.

  And, heh heh, just the day before, I’d heard Loper say that we needed some more feed.

  I was curious to see if Eddy knew about the warped door. If he did, it would provide me with information for the future, just in case the feed barn was ever raided again. If it was, I would already have one suspect on my List of Suspects.

  I mean, in some ways Eddy was a nice little guy, but in my line of work, we have no friends. Everyone is a suspect and we’re always on the alert for new pieces of information.

  That’s just part of being a top-of-the-line, blue-ribbon cowdog. We never lose that instink for protecting the ranch. We care, even when there’s no reason for caring.

  Anyways, I hung back and watched to see if Eddy knew the secret combination for entering the feed barn. Aha! Just as I had begun to suspect, he went straight to the door and . . . well, stopped. He sat down and began rolling his busy little hands.

  “Gosh. Door’s shut. Can’t get in.”

  Chuckling to myself, I nudged him out of the way and took the lead position. “Eddy, I’ll show you a little trick, if you’ll promise never to reveal it to any of your thieving friends and kinfolks. Watch this.” I dropped down on my belly and slithered my way through the crack. “Now, let’s see if you can do it.”

  He squeezed through the crack, but not nearly as gracefully as I’d done it. That told me something pretty important. Eddy had never raided the feed barn before. That was good news.

  Well, once inside the feed barn, I felt free to sit down and relax. “Whew! Boy, what a night. Eddy, I sure thought we’d lost you to the Laundry Monster.” I heard him make an odd sound. “Are you laughing?”

  “Oh, no. Allergies. Cough, cough! See? Rag­weed.”

  “The ragweed doesn’t make pollen until late summer, Eddy.”

  “Wheat dust.”

  “They won’t be cutting wheat for another month.”

  “Sporophonic particles. You know about those?”

  “Sporophonic . . . oh sure, those things. Yes, they cause coughing and sneezing, don’t they?”r />
  “Bad. Terrible. Cough, cough! Cough, cough!”

  “Hey, you’d better take care of that cough, pal. It sounds pretty . . .” He reached up and started poking one of his fingers into my ear. “Would you mind not doing that? How can I show concern for your health when you’re sticking fingers into my ear?”

  “Sorry. Got bored. You know me. Moonlight Mad­ness. Moon’s up, I got to move. Daylight comes, I’m zonked.”

  I moved away from him. “Yes, we’ve been through this before, Eddy—goof off all night, sleep all day, and blame it on Moonlight Madness. It’s part of being a raccoon, and it’s something you must learn to control.”

  His little eyes were shining. “Listen. Got a deal. Garbage barrels. Quick job, in and out, no heavy lifting.”

  “No. We did a garbage job the last time you were here. Do you remember who got caught and sent into exile? Me.”

  “Okay. Garden. Raid the garden. Corn, lettuce, okra, great stuff.”

  “No. The corn isn’t ripe and I don’t eat okra or lettuce. No deals, Eddy. Just try to relax and be a nice law-abiding little raccoon.”

  He heaved a sigh. “I get bored. Hey. You smell something?”

  I sniffed the air. “No, I don’t . . . Yes, I do smell something. It smells pretty good, doesn’t it? I wonder what it could be.”

  I heard him sniffing the air again. “Candy.”

  “Ha, ha. I don’t think so, Eddy. See, this is a feed barn, not a candy barn. If this were a candy barn, it might be full of candy, but since . . . sniff, sniff . . . since that smell is so sweet, we must consider the possibility that it might be, uh, candy. What do you think?”

  “Right. Sweet. Candy.”

  “One of the cowboys might very well have left some candy in here.”

  “Sure. Hiding it. That’s it.”

  “Exactly. He was trying to hide it and . . . No, wait, I’ve got an even better explanation. Listen to this.” My eyes prowled the darkness, just in case we were being watched and monikered. Moni­tored. Eavesdrope. Listened to. “One of the cowboys was down here working, see, and he had a bag of candy in his pocket. He bent over to pick something up and the candy slid out of his pocket.”

  “That’s it! And now we smell it, right?”

  “You’ve got it, pal, that’s it, the whole story.”

  “Should we eat it?”

  “Hey, Eddy, you know what they say about Finders Keepers? ‘Finders keepers use their beepers.’”

  “Beep, beep!”

  “Huh? Was that you, Eddy? I just heard, well, a beeping sound.”

  “Right. Beeper went off.”

  “Well, that settles it, doesn’t it? If your beeper went off, that makes us Finders Keepers, right? That’s further proof that the Mysterious Lost Candy was meant for us.”

  “Wow. What a mind. Wouldn’t have thought of that. Should we eat it?”

  “You bet your life . . . that is, if we can find it in the dark.”

  “No problem. I’ll find it. Watch.” I heard him sniffing and patting his hands in the dark. Then . . . “Got it. Candy, big bag of candy.”

  “Great. Is it still in the wrapper?”

  “Yep. Paper wrapper.”

  “That checks out, doesn’t it? Do you suppose we can tear it off and get to the candy?”

  He squeaked a little laugh. “Hee, hee. No problem. I’ve got hands.”

  RIP!

  “Hey, Eddy, that was a big rip.”

  “Right. Big bag of candy. Real big.” I could hear him gobbling something. “Oh yes! Want a bite? Great stuff.”

  “You bet I do. Hey, we found it fair and square, Finders Keepers, right? Don’t hog it all, Eddy, here I come!”

  Chapter Seven: Okay, Eddy Tricked Me

  Wasn’t it amazing that we’d found a bag of candy in the feed barn? Who’d have thought it? Not me, but we sure did, and boy, was that some bodacious-good candy!

  Delicious. In the dark barn, Eddy and I set ourselves to the task of devouring the Finders Keepers Candy that we’d found and kept. It was ours, fair and square, and though it was too bad Slim or Loper had lost it, their loss was our, heh heh, snack.

  We smacked our way through that candy. It was a little dry, but great stuff. It wasn’t chocolate, as you might have supposed. I mean, a lot of your average candy is covered with chocolate, but this was no average candy. It had the taste of . . . well, molasses. Molasses and plenty of nourishing whole grains, which was a pretty strong hint that this was some of your Health Food Whole Grain Finders Keepers Candy.

  That’s the best kind, you know. Your average candy is just made of sugar and junk, but your Health Food kind contains a long list of ingrediums that build strong bones, red blood, long whiskers, and sleek hair.

  And you know what else? It was a BIG bag of candy. Eddy had said it was big, and he’d been right on the mark. Biggest bag of candy I’d ever experienced. Huge. We ate and ate and ate, and still there was more.

  At last I had to stop and rest. “Whew! Man alive, Eddy, are we done yet?”

  “Nope. Got more. Good, huh?”

  “Oh yeah, great stuff. But how do you suppose that thing ever fit into a shirt pocket?”

  “Big shirt. Big pocket. Want some more?”

  “No thanks, I’m stuffed. Help yourself, pal, I’ve just about . . .”

  HUH?

  The first light of dawn’s first light was showing through the cracks in the barn, and some of the light was making its way inside, which meant that I was now able to see my business partner and also the bag of candy that we had . . .

  I stared at the bag of so-called candy. “Hey, Eddy, I thought you said that was Health Food candy.”

  “Nope, not me. Didn’t say that.”

  “Okay, but you said it was candy. I heard you. That’s what you said. Well, look what we’ve been eating. Do you see what I see?”

  He sat up on his haunches and began licking his paws. “Candy?”

  “Why you little . . . that isn’t candy. We’ve been eating the last sack of horse feed!”

  “Pretty good, though, huh? Hee hee.”

  “No, it wasn’t good. It was terrible. I hated every bite, and do you know why? Because, Eddy, stealing horse feed on this ranch is a serious crime.”

  “Gosh.”

  “And any dog who got caught stealing horse feed would be in big trouble.”

  “Gee whiz.”

  “And if we get caught in this barn with a plundered sack of sweet feed, you’ll think gee whiz.” I leaped to my . . . that is, I tried to leap to my feet, but something had happened to my . . . my belly had grown, shall we say, and all at once . . .

  Fellers, I was so stuffed with stupid horse feed, I could hardly walk! I jacked myself up to a standing position and waddled over to him.

  “Okay, Shorty, this does it. You and I have come to a parting of the waves. I should have known.”

  “What’s the problem?”

  I stared into his beady little eyes. “What’s the problem? You tricked me, Eddy. Once again, you tricked me and forced me to eat half a sack of forbidden horse feed.”

  “Sure was easy.”

  “It was easy because you convinced me it was candy. How dumb do you think I am?” There was a long throbbing silence. “Okay, I was dumb enough, but never again, Eddy. Once dumb, twice smart. We’re through, finished. If the cowboys find this mess, I’ll have no choice but to confess that you did it. I’m leaving now, and with any luck at all, we’ll never see each other again. Good-bye.”

  Without looking back or feeling even the slight­est hint of regret, I marched straight to the crack in the door and . . . hmmm . . . found that I was too fat to squeeze through the crack. I marched right back to Eddy.

  I cleared my throat. “Eddy, you remember what I said about never wanting to see you again?�
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  “Yeah, sure.”

  “I was misquoted. My words were taken out of contacts. What I really meant to say was . . . hey, pal, I’m so stuffed, I can’t squeeze through that crack in the door. Do you suppose you could lend a hand? I mean, we’ve been through a lot together.”

  “Yeah. The Laundry Monster.”

  “Right, the terrible Laundry Monster. We stood together on that one.”

  “Scary guy.”

  “Exactly. He was a very scary guy, but we hung together and fought him off as a team, Eddy. We make a great team and . . . well, I guess you know what would happen if the cowboys found me here.”

  He nodded. “Sure. ZZZZITTT!” He ran his finger along his throat.

  “Exactly. It would, uh, look very bad, so I was wondering if you might . . .”

  “Sure. No problem.” He monkey-walked over to the door and pried open the crack.

  I followed, walking like . . . I don’t know what. Like a big fat tomato. “You’re a great guy, Eddy, I’ve always said so.” I tried to squeeze through the crack. “Wider, Eddy, open it just a little wider. More. Pull harder.” I heaved and grunted and finally popped out on the other side. “Thanks, bud. You never could have done this without me.”

  “No problem.”

  Then I stuck my nose in his face and raised my lips in a snarl. “And now, you little creep, get off my ranch and don’t ever come back.”

  “Gosh. What about the team?”

  “Our team is finished. Furthermore, it never existed. I was tricked into this shabby affair, and my report will deny that I had any involvement whatsoever. And if you ever show your little outlaw face around this feed barn again, I’ll have to place you under . . .” He reached out a paw and twisted the end of my nose. “What are you doing?”

  “Too loud. Turning down the volume.”

  “That’s not a volume knob. That’s my nose.”

  “But it worked. Hee hee.”

  “Okay, so it worked, but that’s because I have nothing more to say to you. Our team is dissolved, Eddy, our partnership is finished. Go away and leave me alone. Good-bye.”