Ultimate Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook

by David Borgenicht

  ALCOHOL

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  Turn the key of the wire cage six clockwise half-turns while keeping constant pressure on the cage and cork.

  Cover the cork and neck of the bottle with a cloth napkin. Carefully turn the bottle clockwise until the cork pops.

  HOW TO AVOID SHOOTING A CHAMPAGNE CORK

  1 Hold the thumb of your nondominant hand over the cage and cork.

  The cork may fly out of the bottle as soon as the wire mesh (known as the “cage”) is loosened. Keep pressure on the cork, and point the bottle away from yourself and anyone nearby.

  2 Turn the key of the wire cage.

  All cages on champagne and sparkling wine open after six clockwise half-turns. Remove the cage.

  3 Place an opened cloth napkin over the cork and neck of the bottle.

  Hold the bottle in your nondominant hand and the napkin over the cork in your other hand. Keep the bottle angled away from people.

  4 Hold the cork tightly and slowly turn the bottle clockwise.

  Do not turn the cork or you risk breaking it.

  5 As the cork begins to come out, apply downward pres sure on it.

  The pressure will prevent the cork from shooting away from the bottle.

  6 Hold the cork at the mouth of the bottle for five seconds.

  If champagne begins to bubble up and out, it will react with the end of the cork and flow back into the bottle.

  7 Slowly pour the champagne.

  Pour the champagne slowly until the froth (called “mousse”) reaches about 2/3 up the glass, then pause. When the mousse has receded, continue filling until the glass is approximately 2/3 full.

  WARNING!

  The quieter the pop, the better the opening. A poor opening will cause champagne to spurt out of the bottle, resulting in lost champagne and carbonation.

  An uncontrolled opening may result in the cork’s leaving the champagne bottle with enough force to cause injury to someone nearby

  Crystal flutes will improve the champagne experience: The slender shape makes the long streams of bubbles more visually appealing and concentrates the aroma. The finest leaded crystal (with a lead content of about 25 percent) has the smoothest surface and allows the champagne to maintain maximum carbonation.

  Never chill champagne flutes.

  Avoid champagne “saucers”: their larger surface area releases more carbonation.

  The smaller the bubbles, the better the champagne.

  HOW TO OPEN A BOTTLE OF WINE WITH A BROKEN CORK

  1 Examine the cork.

  If the cork has broken due to improper corkscrew use, treat the broken cork as if it were whole. If the cork is pushed too far into the bottle, push it all the way in using any long, thin implement and proceed to “With a Very Dry Cork,” step 5, below.

  2 Reinsert the corkscrew.

  Six half-turns of the corkscrew will usually be enough to allow you to remove a full cork, but you may need fewer for a partial cork. Turn the corkscrew slowly to prevent further cork breakage.

  3 Pull the cork out.

  Pull up steadily on the corkscrew, being careful not to jerk the cork out of the bottle. If the cork remains in the bottle, go to “With a Very Dry Cork,” step 2, below.

  With a Very Dry Cork

  1 Check for crumbling.

  If the cork is soft and powdery, it will not offer the corkscrew enough resistance. It may also be stuck to the sides of the bottle, making intact removal impossible.

  2 Bore a hole through the center of the cork.

  Use the corkscrew as a drill.

  3 Widen the hole.

  Wiggle the corkscrew from side to side to increase the diameter of the hole.

  Strain the wine into a

  decanter through cheesecloth

  or a coffee filter.

  4 Try to pour.

  If the wine will not pour, continue to enlarge the diameter of the hole as above, or force the remainder of the cork into the bottle.

  5 Make a filter.

  Place a piece of clean, unwaxed, unbleached cheesecloth over the mouth of a decanter and secure it tightly with a rubber band. If no cheesecloth is available, use a coffee filter (preferably unbleached). Do not use a T-shirt or any article of clothing you have washed in detergent—the detergent can affect the taste of the wine.

  6 Strain the wine.

  Carefully pour the wine through the filter into the decanter. When the bottle is empty, remove the filter containing the pieces of cork from the mouth of the decanter and serve the wine.

  HOW TO DEAL WITH THE “SPINS”

  1 Focus your gaze on a stationary object in the room.

  Keep your eyes open. Avoid looking at ceiling fans. Stare at the object for one minute.

  2 Close your eyes.

  3 Picture the object you were looking at.

  Imagine that the object is imprinted on the inside of your eyelids.

  4 Open your eyes.

  If the spinning returns, stare at your object for one minute.

  5 Close your eyes.

  Repeat steps 3 and 4.

  6 Repeat steps 3, 4, and 5 until the spinning stops or you pass out.

  WARNING!

  The spins usually occur when your eyes are closed. Watch television, go out for some air, or eat a meal—anything to stay awake and keep your eyes open until you sober up.

  Eating reduces drinking-related sickness by reducing the speed at which alcohol in the stomach is absorbed into the bloodstream. Eat before drinking: once you have the spins, it is too late.

  Alcohol is a diuretic and dehydrates. After drinking, replace lost fluid, vitamins, and electrolytes by consuming sports drinks. Avoid drinking excessive amounts of plain water, which will dilute the sodium concentration in the body.

  HOW TO WIN A BAR BET

  Make bets that you know you will win, or perform a surefire bar trick for drinks. Select a mark, preferably someone who has been drinking heavily.

  Brandy Snifter and Cherry

  1 Place the snifter upside down over the cherry.

  2 Wager a free drink that you can get the cherry into the empty glass without touching the cherry or the empty glass.

  The cherry can only touch the snifter, which must remain upside down. Squashing the cherry onto the rim is prohibited.

  3 Use centrifugal force.

  When your mark bets, show him the power of centrifugal force. Hold the base of the snifter and rotate it quickly on the bar top. When the cherry starts spinning inside the glass, lift the snifter off the table. Keep rotating the snifter and hold it over the glass. When you slow your rotation, the cherry will drop into the glass. Collect your free drink.

  A Race to the Finish

  1 Identify your mark.

  At the bar, find a small group of men drinking together who seem tipsy, but not so drunk that they will try to kill you when played for fools.

  2 Make your proposition.

  Sit down next to the group, and casually say, “You guys want to see something cool?” State the proposed bet simply and clearly: “Anyone want to bet I can drink three beers before you can drink a single shot?”

  3 Let them decide who will take the bet.

  Faced with a challenge, a group of men will naturally jockey for supremacy by mocking or goading each other into taking the best.

  4 Let the mark determine the stakes.

  Allow the other person to set the stakes, especially if his friends are suggesting he will lose. Offer gentle reassurance such as, “It’s totally up to you. Whatever you want to make it.” And then whatever he proposes, up the ante by saying, “Oh, okay. Or we could make it a real bet. Whatever you want.”

  5 State the rules.

  Clearly say what the bet is and how it works. “I will drink three beers before you drink a single shot. You will give me a one-beer head start, and neither of us can touch the other’s glasses.

  Rotate snifter. Lift snifter off of the table as the cherry spins. Drop the cherry
into the target glass.

  6 Hear the mark repeat it back.

  Have the mark repeat the rules back to you, and make sure that all his friends and anyone else present can hear, so there are plenty of witnesses.

  7 Put the money on the bar.

  Illustrate your commitment to the wager by suggesting that both you and the mark place your money directly on the bar in front of you. This will also allow you to collect the money more easily once you win.

  8 Feign second thoughts.

  As the bartender brings the drinks, suddenly look anxious and say things such as, “Oh wait, did I get that right?” Try to back out: “You know what? Forget the whole thing.” When the mark presses you, relent and agree to go through with it. He may try to raise the stakes of the wager; if so, reluctantly agree.

  9 Win the bet.

  After you drink your head-start beer, place the empty glass upside down over his shot glass. This way he cannot drink his drink, because he’s not allowed to touch your glass, per the rules of the bet. Finish your other two beers.

  19 Be gracious.

  If the mark seems upset, offer to buy him a beer (with his own money) from the winnings on the bar. You’ve still come out several beers ahead.

  HOW TO OPEN A BEER BOTTLE WITHOUT A BOTTLE OPENER

  Another Bottle

  1 Hold the bottle you wish to open upright in your nondominant hand.

  Grip the neck of the target bottle, placing your index finger over the back edge of the cap.

  2 Hold the second bottle horizon tally around the label.

  Grip this bottle, the opener, as though shaking hands with the bottle.

  3 Fit the shallow ridge found at midcap of the opener bottle under the bottom edge of the cap of the bottle you wish to open.

  By using this ridge, and not the bottom of the cap, you will not risk opening the second bottle in step 4.

  4 Using the opener bottle as a lever, press down and pry the cap off the target beer bottle.

  5 Enjoy.

  Alternate Method

  Hold both bottles end to end parallel to the ground, with the crimped edges of the caps together, locking them in place. Pull. Be careful, however, as either or both bottle caps could come off.

  Lighter

  1 Grip the bottle in your nondomi- nant hand.

  Make a fist around the top of the bottle so that your thumb overlaps your index finger and the web between your thumb and index finger sits in the groove under the cap.

  2 Fit the bottom of the lighter under the teeth of the cap.

  Position the lighter so that it rests on the middle knuckle of your index finger.

  3 Press the top of the lighter down and toward the bottle.

  Use the index finger on your dominant hand to provide resistance.

  4 Pry off the cap.

  If necessary, turn the bottle and repeat.

  Screwdriver, Spoon, Fork, or Knife

  1 Place the implement under the bottle cap, as high as it will go.

  2 Pry off the cap.

  Slowly go around the cap and lift up each crimped area with the tool, similar to opening a can of paint.

  3 When the cap starts to move, fit the tool higher up under the cap and remove it.

  Belt Buckle

  1 Unfasten your belt buckle.

  If your pants are in danger of falling down, sit.

  2 Pull the “tooth” of the buckle to one side.

  3 Fit the cap into the buckle so that one edge is wedged against the buckle.

  4 Pry off.

  Pull the bottle slowly. A quick tug may result in a spill.

  5 Refasten your belt.

  Table Edge

  1 Put the teeth of the bottle cap against the edge of a table.

  The cap should be on top of the table edge; the bottle should be below the table. Do not attempt on a soft wood or antique table.

  2 Use your fist to hit the bottle.

  The bottle will take a downward tra jectory, and the cap will pop off.

  Deadbolt Lock

  1 Fit your bottle into the lock.

  Place the head of the bottle into the recessed part of a doorframe, so that the cap fits against the notch where the deadbolt slips.

  2 Pull up slowly.

  The bottle cap should pop right off.

  Fire Hydrant

  1 Look for an arrow on top of the hydrant labeled “open.”

  2 At the end of the arrow, locate the recess between the screw and the nut.

  3 Insert the cap into the recess.

  4 Press down slowly on the bottle until the cap comes off.

  In-Line Skate

  1 Place the cap between the shoe and the blade.

  Hold on to the bottle with your dominant hand. If you are wearing the skate, use the hand opposite the skate to open the bottle.

  2 Pull up slowly on the bottle and pry off.

  Quickly right the bottle to avoid spilling.

  Metal Pool Bridge

  1 Hold the stick of the bridge in one hand and a beer bottle in the other.

  Do not attempt to open over the pool table.

  2 Position the cap inside the open ing of the bridge.

  Fit the cap snugly against the edge.

  3 Press down on the bottle.

  Slowly increase the pressure until the cap loosens. Right the bottle imme diately to prevent spillage.

  Vending Machine

  1 Locate a newspaper, snack, or soda vending machine.

  An older soda machine might actually have a bottle opener.

  2 Place the cap in the coin return.

  Wedge the cap against the top of the opening.

  3 Press down slowly until the cap is removed.

  WARNING!

  Never drink from a bottle with broken or chipped glass.

  GAMES AND HOBBIES

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  Watch for facial expressions, body language, or other nonverbal cues that can be used to signal another player.

  HOW TO SPOT A CARD CHEAT

  Examine the cards.

  Before play begins, look for irregularities in the cards that might help a cheater identify a particular card. Marks in a round design, like marks on a clockface, may indicate the value of a card; an ace is marked at one o’clock, an eight at eight o’clock. Nicks, nail marks, stains, and crimps may also be marks. Beware if a player bends cards during play.

  Watch for false shuffling.

  Confirm that the dealer actually shuffles the deck; a cheat may have brought in a prestacked deck. An overhand shuffle can stack a deck right in front of your eyes. Insist on a reshuffle if you are suspicious. Require that the deck be cut by someone other than the dealer.

  Watch for team cheating.

  Shufflers who first bend the deck can be sending a signal to the cutter where to cut the deck; the bent half of the deck should be easy to spot when the deck is placed on the table for the cutter. A cheater can also leave a slight jog in the deck indicating to the accomplice where to make the cut.

  Listen for verbal cues between partners.

  Repeated phrases may have hidden meanings. Be suspicious of players (or nonplayers) who wander the room, then interact with another player. Signals can also include nonverbal cues such as facial expressions, body language, gestures, and subtle indicators such as sighs or sneezes.

  Watch the banker.

  Keep an eye on the tender of the pot, the banker, or other special task holders. Cheaters can palm a chip when distributing winnings, skim off bank winnings, shortchange a player, or otherwise sweeten their own winnings.

  WARNING!

  Mirrors, windows, and sunglasses can refect a player’s hand.

  Draw cards to determine seating to decrease cooperative cheating.

  Make a rule that someone other than the dealer shuffles the cards.

  Require that players keep cards on the table at all times.

  A cheat may deal you a good hand, but his will be better.

  Use a position or
joker on the bottom of the deck so that no one can see the bottom card and the dealer cannot deal from the bottom of the deck.

  HOW TO DEAL WITH A DART INJURY

  1 If the dart is embedded in the head, neck, chest, or back, leave it in place.

  Rinse a small, clean towel in cold water, wring it out, and wrap the towel around the base of the dart to stabilize it and prevent further penetrating or shearing injury. Take the person to the hospital, or call for an ambulance.

  2 Remove the dart.

  If the dart is embedded in an arm or leg, remove it from the victim using a fast, pulling motion. Put the dart in a safe location where it will not cause further injury.

  3 Place the victim in a sitting position.

  4 Examine the wound.

  If blood is spurting from the wound, apply a clean cloth to the injury site. If there is bleeding but no spurting, skip to step 8.

  5 Apply pressure.

  Elevate the affected area above the level of the heart. Hold the cloth firmly in place for five minutes.