The Deepest Blue (Roadmap to Your Heart #2)

by Christina Lee

  When I heard some raised voices out by the chicken coop, I crept around the corner to listen. It was my dad and Mr. Lorrigan. He must’ve stopped by to pick up the extra chairs they’d let us borrow for the reception.

  “Cassie all but ignored Jerry,” Mr. Lorrigan was saying.

  “I reckon you’re just making excuses now. My daughter brought home a nice young man,” Dad said and I cringed. “Nothing I can do to change that. You either want to merge or you don’t. Put up or shut up. Either way, I’m too tired to talk about it.”

  Daddy stormed off toward the house and after waiting a second longer, I cut Mr. Lorrigan off at the pass. He nearly tripped over his own two feet; I had startled him so badly.

  “This will be the last year we help you with overflow, not unless you want to throw us a bigger bone,” I said, attempting to keep my hands at my side, lest I throttle him. “For the record, the offer to merge is officially off the table.”

  “You think I’d let a faggot stake a claim in my business?” he said, his teeth clenched. “I saw you with that young man. Disgusting.”

  I braced myself, my entire body flushing in shame. But another emotion quickly took center stage. Blinding fury. “So the truth finally comes out.”

  “That’s right,” he said, standing ramrod straight. “What do you got to say about it?”

  “Plenty. I may be gay but what you are is repulsive,” I said, jabbing my finger at him. “Let’s not forget that I saw you, too. You’re a cheater, going into that woman’s room.”

  His eyes grew wide and his mouth hung open. “You don’t know—”

  “Why else would you be at a hotel only an hour away from home?” I asked, folding my arms.

  “You’ve got no proof,” he stammered. He stared at me vacantly, his mind reeling.

  “Proof?” I said. “What is this, the Jerry Springer show? I’ve got my solid reputation to fall back on.”

  “Your reputation won’t be worth squat when I—”

  “If you plan on scattering any rumors to ruin our business, then I’ve got gossip to spread as well,” I said. “I’ll let your wife know exactly what I saw. You better hope your family forgives you.”

  His face turned tomato red and as he balled his fists I was certain he was going to try to hit me.

  “I’ve done nothing wrong except be exactly who I am. But you’ve broken a sacred vow. You’ve got to live with yourself. And unfortunately, so does your family,” I said, raising my voice. “Now get the hell off my property.”

  He practically sprinted to his truck and peeled away.

  I thought I heard a door slam shut somewhere in the distance but it just as well could’ve been my brain splintering into a million pieces.

  30

  Callum

  The next couple of days we welcomed some hunting groups and I fell back into my regular routine, even though it seemed less satisfying. I attempted to run the trail up to Pines Ledge but it felt empty without Dean. They say it takes twenty-one days to form a habit, but he was here for shorter and I already felt so addicted.

  The only time I was able to get out of my own head was when I finally stepped inside the sawmill again with some newly chopped wood. I dusted off the circular saw and took stock of supplies; making a mental note to buy more red paint for the new chairs I had promised my aunt.

  “Glad to see you back to doing something you love,” Cassie had said when she walked by the small workroom on the way back from changing the linens in the cabin.

  I looked forward to Dean’s regular texts and tried not to be disappointed if I hadn’t heard from him in some time. I didn’t know why I kept talking to him even though I knew a relationship was a dead end. But the fact of the matter was that I now also considered him a friend.

  He was back to working in his lab and would be starting his final summer class. He apparently graduated in September but wouldn’t officially get his degree until December. Though he could always start looking for a job and if he was asked to stay on in a full-time position at the university, that would be a no-brainer.

  Of course Dean inquired about how his sugar cane field was holding up. And in some twisted way, it was a link to him that I needed right then. Since it took a long time for the plant to germinate and grow before it could be harvested, it was important to keep the weeds to a minimum and the grasshoppers from getting to the leaves once they sprouted.

  Dean admitted he had been asking my old professor about an herbicide at the county fair that one day. Apparently they had exchanged email information, so he was waiting to hear back on the best solution. Grammy was especially excited about the sugar canes and I overheard her talking to Cassie about making it part of our business model to supplement our revenue.

  I had yet to tell daddy about my argument with Mr. Lorrigan, but he seemed too busy to talk to me anyway, already gone in the early morning hours and coming home late. And Cassie’s mind was completely absorbed with Dermot. But I didn’t blame her because I was having the same problem.

  We were finally all together at the dinner table the following night, Grammy making it known that we were to show up and eat as a family. You did not mess with Grammy’s orders, so when we heard the supper bell clang, we all dropped whatever it was that we were doing.

  “You’re seeing Dermot again tonight?” Braden asked Cassie, wiggling his eyebrows. Dermot had picked Cassie up at the house last night and she had come home late.

  “Maybe,” Cassie said. Her eyes flitted to me briefly before she finally said, “I want to see him as much as I can while I’m in town. What’s wrong with that?”

  “Nothing as far as I can tell,” Braden said, shrugging. “The folks at Sunnyside Up Diner will have something new to talk about at least.”

  “Let them talk all they want,” Grammy said. “You’re just happy they’ll stop gossiping about how long before you and Jennifer get married and have babies.”

  Braden groaned, his neck coloring pink, as he took another bite of Grammy’s chicken fried steak.

  “What am I missing here?” Daddy asked around a mouthful of mashed potatoes as Grammy snickered. “What happened to Dean?”

  Cassie cringed and I kicked her leg beneath the table as a well of panic arose in my gut.

  She shook her head and braced her jaw. “Dean and I are really just friends. He’s my…”

  “Friends?” Daddy said. “So why would you—”

  “Please let me get this out,” she said and Daddy chewed his meal quietly. “I didn’t feel like answering anybody’s questions about whether Jerry and I would get back together. I just wanted to come home and enjoy my visit.”

  Daddy’s face fell as if he knew he’d screwed up one way or another when it came to his weak arrangement with the Lorrigan’s.

  “Honey, nobody at this table wants you to be with Jerry,” Grammy said. “Your Daddy knows it’s not meant to be. I don’t think Mr. Lorrigan’s intentions are as pure as you might think.”

  Grammy shot a look in my direction and it felt like a boulder had lodged in my throat. She never missed a beat.

  “Go on, Cassie,” Daddy said, his eyebrows scrunched together. “I’d like to hear what else you have to say.”

  “Dean is actually my roommate and before you go off on a tangent about me living with a guy—which is totally antiquated in today’s day and age—just know he is the perfect male friend to have,” she said in one rambling sentence. “Not only is he smart and kind and supportive, he’s gay, and I have his permission to tell you all, now that we’re no longer pretending.”

  Daddy’s fork stopped midway to his mouth and I thought he might drop it and make a splattering mess. Braden looked just as thunderstruck, his eyebrows knitting together. I pushed back from the table, having lost my appetite, along with my resolve.

  “Gay?” Braden asked at practically the same time as daddy said, “Dean is gay?”

  Daddy’s gaze darted to mine all of a sudden—his eyes flaring—as if putting two and two to
gether.

  And then it hit me. The sound of the screen door slapping shut yesterday. “You heard my conversation with Mr. Lorrigan didn’t you?”

  He nodded, his gaze filling with apology and sadness. “I was going to talk to you about it, son. I’m not very good at…I just needed time…”

  “Will somebody please fill me in?” Braden said. “How is Dean gay? He doesn’t look like a queer.”

  “What the hell do you think gay people look like?” I asked, exasperated.

  I could see Billie stiffen in my side view. He knew better than to open his mouth during a serious adult discussion at the table but this indirectly affected him and I knew he had plenty to say.

  “Hell, I don’t know,” Braden said, flicking his wrist. “Maybe like, fruity. Effeminate.”

  “Way to stereotype, brother,” I said, throwing up my hands.

  “Well, stereotypes are true for a reason,” he shot back at me all smug.

  “Then you’re truly a dumb redneck,” I said and I could hear Grammy snicker into her drink. “And you can pigeonhole me too, because I’m gay.”

  My head became fuzzy and lightheaded and I felt Billie shift beside me as a muffled gasp arose from Braden. I placed my hand on Billie’s knee to clam him up. He’d have his say on the subject way later, after all of this blew over.

  My gaze finally lifted to meet Braden’s across the table. I’d have plenty of battles to fight from here on in, so I didn’t want to back down from my own brother. I waited for him to ask me about the girl Sheila I always said I was meeting in town, but he only stared at me, his eyes blown wide, as he attempted to wrap his brain around the idea.

  “I’m proud of you, Callum,” Grammy said and my heart rose to my throat. Tears were threatening to escape but I swallowed them down.

  “Me too, son,” Daddy said in a pained voice and my eyes sprang to his. “I’m proud of all of my kids. I just don’t always have the right words or answers. If your mother were around…” he broke off, still choked up at thought of my mother gone after all these years.

  “She’d tell us we were some eclectic bunch,” Grammy said and Cassie smiled. “She’d also say to hell with the Lorrigan’s.”

  Everybody chuckled in relief except Billie who sat rigid and awkward beside me.

  “Billie,” Daddy said in a strangled whisper. “She would’ve protected and cared for you most of all.”

  Tears burst from Billie’s eyes and rolled down his cheeks in fat drops.

  His chair clattered on the linoleum floor as he bounded from his seat and threw himself into Daddy’s arms. The entire table grew silent as we watched them and even Braden dabbed at his eyes.

  A couple minutes later, Grammy stood up to deliver Billie’s homemade key lime pie to the center of the table.

  “He made it special for you,” Grammy said to Daddy. “Your favorite.”

  Daddy offered his youngest son a watery grin and we all dug in as Billie slid pieces of pie to the dessert plates in front of us. Chewing gave us a reprieve from all of our heavy emotions. Braden continued to stare at me across the table as if seeing me in a new light.

  Once we were nearly finished with our slices, daddy cleared his throat. “I wish I knew how to make it on our own without the Lorrigan’s help.”

  I placed my fork down. “I’m sorry that my being gay might mean that people shy away from our business.”

  Braden scrunched up his face as if just realizing the full implications. “Screw them.”

  “Easier said than done. I mean, if we keep this under wraps in our family that’s cool. But I don’t want to keep pretending forever.” Billie grabbed for my hand and I squeezed back. “It doesn’t feel good to hide.”

  “You want to know what I think?” Cassie said, after licking her fork clean.

  “Please,” Daddy said. “I can see you’ve been stewing on something.”

  “I’ll be graduating with my Master’s in Business this fall,” she said. “I think after I move back home we regroup and start changing tactics.”

  “How?” Braden said, pushing back in his seat and patting his stomach.

  “We take our ancestors lead,” she said, placing our empty plates in a pile. “They changed with the times. Tried different things. We should too.”

  “What exactly do you mean?” Daddy said, adding his dish to the stack.

  Cassie looked at Grammy. “You said once that your family gave up on the cattle trade because they weren’t true farmers. Well, I’m not certain we’re true hunters.”

  Braden started to say something but she held up her hand.

  “Hear me out. We all have talents we aren’t utilizing here to make additional revenue. I’ll help take over the books so Callum can make and sell more furniture. Daddy can think more about those ewes. Billie and Grammy can start selling some of their specialties—pies and jam and ice cream. We could have our own roadside stand at the edge of our property. Maybe even sell maple syrup beginning of next year.”

  Billie shared a small smile with me.

  “You really think that’s going to work?” Braden said.

  “How do we know unless we try?” Cassie shrugged. “Braden, you can still run the shooting range and hunting groups, you’re good at it. We can all pitch in keeping our land thriving.”

  “As long as daddy agrees to take it easy.” I gave him a pointed look and he nodded grudgingly. “But maybe it’s time to think outside the box.”

  “So you plan on coming home after graduation?” Daddy said, squeezing Cassie’s hand across the table. “I thought I might’ve lost my daughter to the city.”

  “I wasn’t sure, to be honest, but these new ideas excite me,” she said. “And I can still find a course to teach in some university around here.”

  “Does this have anything to do with a certain boy who runs a fruit stand?” Grammy said, her eyes gleaming.

  “Maybe,” Cassie said, winking.

  Later that evening, Cassie joined me with a beer out on the porch swing. I was gazing up at the sky remembering Dean’s excitement over the stars.

  “How about you drive back with me in a couple of weeks?” she said, tucking her legs beneath her thighs.

  “What do you mean?” I said, my heart thumping a staccato beat.

  “Dean would love to have you visit for a weekend,” she said, drumming her fist on my knee.

  “Wouldn’t that just make it tougher?” I asked, my mind a giant cluttered puzzle.

  “I don’t know, that’s up to you guys,” she said. “But you’re not the only one suffering.”

  “Yeah?” I said and then bit my lip, trying to keep that fleeting hope at bay.

  She shoved at my shoulder playfully. “Of course not.”

  “I just figured he’d find somebody else,” I said, picking at the hem of my jeans. “It’s much easier in the city.”

  “You think it’s simple to meet somebody special?” she asked, clucking her tongue at me. “It doesn’t matter if the pool is crowded, that one person will always stand out.”

  My heart rose to my throat. “What would I tell Daddy?”

  “That you’re checking up on your sister,” Grammy said, joining us on the porch with some sweet tea in a tall glass. “And figuring out your future along the way.”

  31

  Dean

  “He’ll be here in like ten minutes, Felix,” I said.

  I saw Felix more when I earned my undergraduate degree at TSU. But that had been more than two years ago and since I moved southeast to earn my master’s we’d only been able to talk by phone. Though he planned on visiting next month when he drove through town on some annual motorcycle rally in Laconia.

  “You sound nervous as shit,” Felix said. “You must really like the guy.”

  “I do,” I said. More than like I wanted to say. “But I don’t see how we can make it work living in two different states.”

  “Please, if you both want it…” Felix said. “Look at Smoke and Vaughn. They are still
going strong.”

  Felix had told me about an unlikely pairing of this motorcycle recruit and the bartender of the Hog’s Den. I guess Smoke even handed in his cut to run a business with him. They had to keep it hidden for months and then finally said screw it. It all sounded clandestine and dangerous and if I was being honest, pretty damn romantic.

  “I guess so,” I said, trying not to let too much hope surge through me at the prospect.

  I was pacing now, so damn nervous. I thought about Callum every day the last couple of weeks and my friends were beginning to grow tired of my glum mood. I also missed having Cassie around but I knew she’d be dealing with her own crisis of the heart, since she’d been spending most of her time with Dermot.

  But at least she knew she’d be moving home in less than six months. She and Dermot had a shared history and background. Callum and I had none of that, we were flying blind. I just knew how I felt when I talked to him and how my chest now fluttered with the inevitability of seeing him again.

  When Callum asked if I’d be okay with him driving home with Cassie for a visit I nearly burst out of my own skin.

  Callum in my city. What would he think, what would we do? How would I ever get over him if it all turned to shit?

  When the elevator beeped open at the end of the hall I braced myself. I heard them talking, Cassie explaining something about our building, the key was jiggling in the door, and then they stepped inside.

  Holy hot damn, I didn’t expect to feel this way upon seeing him. He was a ginger giant with his faded denim jeans, scuffed sneakers, and black ball cap. And he was gorgeous. His eyes met mine and held as we stood gaping at each other.

  “You two are something else,” Cassie said but it was as if she was talking through a tunnel because all I could focus on was him.

  Cassie stepped forward to hug me. “Breathe,” she whispered in my ear.