All He Ever Dreamed (The Kowalskis)

by Stacey, Shannon

  “It was rough on him, you know,” she said, because maybe she did want to talk to her mom. Not only was Rose her mother, but she knew Josh better than anybody else, too. “It’s going to take him some time to reconcile how much he wanted to leave with how much he needed to keep the lodge.”

  Rose put her hand over Katie’s and leaned down to look at her face. “Do you think he can be happy here with you, honey?”

  Katie saw the love and concern in her mother’s eyes and couldn’t lie. “I hope so, more than you can even imagine, but I really don’t know.”

  * * *

  Even though he woke in a much better mood than he’d gone to bed in, Josh didn’t shed any tears when the last guests—who were naturally the couple from room two, running an hour past checkout time—drove away.

  After he stripped their room, which was the last one he had to do, he went into the kitchen to see what he could scrounge up for lunch. Then, as long as nothing went wrong between now and then, he was going to call Katie and try to drag her out for a ride on his sled with him. It wasn’t really built for two, but she’d just have to snuggle close.

  He’d just finished demolishing his second bologna sandwich when Rose walked through carrying a basket of dirty towels. “Did they finally leave?”

  “Yeah. I made a note next to their name in the book so if they come back, we can give them a little extra coaching.”

  “Maybe we’ll be so busy next winter they won’t be able to get a room.”

  Josh didn’t want to think about next winter. That was nothing but a reminder he’d still be here next winter. And the winter after that and the winter after that. And now, thanks to the ATV trail access coming together, it would be year round. It was a good thing. He knew that in a practical, logical way. But emotionally it made him tired.

  “What’s the matter, hon?”

  “Nothing.” He tried to shake it off while he dumped his plate in the trash.

  “I know you’re still upset about the offer on—”

  “Maybe I’m still upset about it because people won’t stop talking about it. Hey, Josh, you almost escaped, but you didn’t and you just need to resign yourself to that. Maybe if everybody just let it drop, it would be a lot easier to forget.”

  She shook her head, tears sparkling in her eyes, and he had to fight a sudden urge to bolt out the back door. “Escaped? Resigned? You’re more unhappy than you’re letting on.”

  “I know you worry about me like a mom, Rosie, but you have to let me be.”

  “I do worry about you like a mom. I also worry about my daughter.”

  He reminded himself this was Rosie and managed not to raise his voice. “I’m doing the best I can to be what everybody needs me to be.”

  “What about what you want to be?” she demanded, and she didn’t seem to have any trouble raising her voice.

  “I don’t know what I want to be, dammit.” He stopped, inhaling what he hoped was a calming breath. “No, that’s not right. I do know what I want to be. I want to be happy. I want Katie to be happy. And that scares the hell out of me because I don’t think I can do both.”

  “You can’t make Katie happy until you’re happy, Josh. That’s how it works.”

  “Please, Rose, just…” He grabbed his coat off the hook by the door. “I’m going for a ride. If Katie stops by, tell her I’ll call her later, okay?”

  “You shouldn’t go out on the sled alone when you’re upset.”

  “I’m not going to be stupid. I just need some space. Some quiet so I can try to get my head on straight and stop being an asshole to people who love me.”

  When she smiled and kissed his cheek, he wrapped his arms around her and held her close. “I’m trying, Rosie.”

  “I know, Josh. Just remember everybody needs some help sometimes and you have people who love you, even when you’re being an asshole.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Josh was surprised when he emerged from the office a little before noon on Tuesday, his head aching from hours of catching up on transferring stuff from paper to the computer, to find Mitch sitting at the table with Rosie and Andy. It struck him as ironic, seeing as how he’d just been thinking foul thoughts about his computer-happy oldest brother. Ledger books had been fine for generations, so Josh didn’t see why they weren’t fine now.

  “Hey, Mitch. Come to mooch food?”

  He gave a closemouthed smile and nodded, since his mouth was full of pastry.

  “I called him and asked him to come over,” Rose told him. “Andy and I have something we’d like to discuss with you boys.”

  Josh paused halfway to the coffeepot. What the hell was that supposed to mean? He knew Andy had been spending a lot of time with Rose lately, but that sounded as though it could be the opening of a getting-married announcement.

  He loved Rosie, but he’d be pissed if he’d passed up the opportunity to sell the lodge and she up and left him.

  Deciding he might need the coffee after all, he poured himself a mug before taking a seat at the table. He glanced at Mitch, who only shrugged.

  “You know Andy and I have been spending a lot of time together,” Rose began. “And it’s pretty obvious he’s been spending the night lately.”

  Josh and Mitch both shifted uncomfortably in their chairs. She was way too close to being the mom of the house for them to want to be a part of any conversation even hinting at sex.

  “We were thinking it would make more sense if he just moved in. With me.”

  Josh’s mind seemed to be having a little trouble keeping up with the conversation. So it wasn’t an engagement announcement, then. They just wanted permission for Andy to move in, from Mitch, as the oldest he guessed, and him, as the guy who ran the place.

  Andy cleared his throat. “And if you guys don’t have a problem with that, it also brings up the fact I’d be here all the time and, between Rosie and I, we can run this place for the family. I can take care of stuff in exchange for my room and board so you, Josh, would be free to do…whatever you want to do.”

  Josh sat back in his chair as the implications of that sank in. He’d be free to leave. He could leave Whitford, the family could keep the Northern Star and Rosie could keep her home. It was pretty much everything he wanted, tied up with a neat bow.

  He looked over at Mitch, who just held up his hands in an I don’t know what to say gesture. He knew the feeling.

  “Wow.” Thoughts were careening around his head and he couldn’t seem to grasp on to any of them long enough to form a sentence.

  “That’s a big commitment,” Mitch said. “The lodge, I mean. Not Rosie. Although, that’s a big commitment, too. I just meant that—hell, I’m happy for you guys.”

  Rose laughed and reached over to cover Mitch’s hand with her own. “Thank you, honey.”

  All of the careening thoughts in Josh’s head slammed to a stop as one word filled his mind. Katie.

  At some point along the way, he’d stopped pretending they were doing the friends-with-benefits thing. Or if they were, at some point he could see them signing on for the full, long-term benefits package. They were best friends, unquestionably compatible in bed, and he knew he’d never want to spend all his time with any other woman.

  But he also knew that the second Andy Miller opened his mouth and offered to run the lodge with Rose, his relationship with Katie was doomed.

  The rush when he realized what those words meant for him was too intense to be ignored, and if he tried he’d always wonder, What if? And someday he’d blame Katie for it.

  “When are you thinking of moving in?” Mitch asked, and Josh was glad he was there to be the guy who could think straight.

  “Anytime,” Andy said. “Hell, Josh could take off tomorrow if he wanted to.”

  Tomorrow. He could get in his tr
uck, put it in drive and not have to be home to tell strangers where to park in his yard or get up before six in the morning to make them coffee. He could just drive until he found a place he wanted to be.

  “Not quite,” Mitch said, chuckling. “We’d have to get you added to the bank account and the account at the market and some legal stuff. It’d be a few days.”

  “I…” Josh forced himself to stop and take a breath. He needed to slow it down. “Maybe I should stay through the season.”

  “Why?” Rosie asked. “It’s all under control and you know if you stay until spring, you’ll get all wrapped up in the ATV trails and you’ll never leave.”

  You’ll never leave. How many times over the years had he tried to resign himself to that possibility and failed? He couldn’t even begin to count.

  “As far as you moving in,” Mitch said to Andy, probably because Josh had stopped making words again, “that’s between you, Rose and Josh. The rest of us own the lodge, too, but we don’t live here. But nobody’s going to make managing the Northern Star a condition of you being with Rose.”

  “That’s true,” Josh agreed. He sat up straight and gave himself a mental slap upside the head. He needed to get his shit together and figure out what the hell was going on. “I don’t have any problem with you moving in, but you don’t have to earn your keep. Just make Rosie happy and it’s all good.”

  “Look, son. I’ve known your family my entire life. I knew your parents well and I’ve watched you kids grow up. Mitch and my son were almost inseparable as kids. And while I might not have been here, thanks to Rosie’s stubborn streak—” he paused to smile at her “—I know you’ve sacrificed for this lodge and for your family.”

  “And they’ve sacrificed for me. They were willing to give up the Northern Star and everything it means to them to make me happy.”

  “I bet walking away from that was the hardest thing you’ve ever done.”

  Josh nodded. “Yeah, but it was the right thing and, even if I’m still doing this when I’m eighty, I’ll never regret not selling.”

  “You’re a good kid,” Andy said quietly. “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere, so take this chance.”

  Maybe if the rush had died down and his mind wasn’t reeling from all the possibilities in front of him, it would be easier to think. But the excitement was still burning and he was afraid it wasn’t going to die down.

  He looked at Rose, because nobody could understand better than Katie’s mother what his leaving would mean. He saw the knowledge in her eyes, but she just gave him a gentle smile. “You’ll never be truly content until you feel like you’re free to make your own choices, Josh. I believe that in my heart.”

  She was right. He knew it with the same conviction he heard in her voice. But to leave, he’d have to say goodbye to Katie, and all he could do was hope like hell she understood.

  Or maybe, he thought as he glanced at Rose with guilt growing in his gut, he could talk Katie into going with him.

  * * *

  Katie drove up to the Northern Star and killed the engine. She’d been out doing errands and decided to stop into the lodge to visit her mom. She wasn’t sure what Josh was up to, but his truck was there, so he had to be around. Unless he was out on his sled, of course.

  When she walked through the door, she was a little surprised to see Andy holding her mom in the middle of the kitchen. Rose was more of a quick hugger, unless somebody was upset.

  “Mom?” Rose turned as Andy dropped his arms, and Katie was relieved she wasn’t crying, at least. “What’s up?”

  It seemed like she hesitated for a long moment before she took hold of Andy’s hand. “Andy’s going to move in with me.”

  “Oh.” Katie wasn’t sure what to say. She really was happy for her mom, but it was still a little weird to see her mother going through the process of dating and eventually falling in love. “Congratulations.”

  “Thank you, honey.” There was more her mom wanted to say—Katie was sure of it—but when Rose didn’t add anything else, Katie chalked it up to a weird vibe.

  “Is Josh around?”

  Her mom nodded, her lips pressed in a tight line, but it was Andy who said, “He’s in the office, I think.”

  “Thanks.” She went through the house, trying to solve the puzzle of her mom’s strange silence. Rose rarely held back if she had something she wanted to say.

  The office door was open, but she rapped on the doorjamb as she stuck her head in. “Hey, what are you doing?”

  He was looking writing something, and she saw what looked like guilt flash across his face when he saw her. “I was going to stop by your place in a little while. I thought you’d still be in the shop.”

  “I closed early. Business was slow and I had errands to run.” She moved closer to the desk and saw he was making a schedule for the Northern Star—what needed to be done and when he usually did it. “Afraid you’re going to start forgetting things in your old age?”

  “Did you see Rosie?”

  “Yeah, downstairs. She told me Andy’s moving in with her, which is kind of…” Whatever she was going to say drifted into oblivion as the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. Andy was moving in—a man to help Rose around the lodge—and he’d need to know what chores Josh did. “You’re leaving.”

  “I was coming to see you,” he said again. “I planned to be there when you closed the shop, but I didn’t know you were closing early.”

  He was leaving. Andy was moving in with her mother and he was going to take over for Josh so he could leave Whitford like he’d always dreamed of doing. The pain was so real—so physical—she almost doubled over.

  “You’re supposed to wash my Jeep for a year.” She said it jokingly, knowing it was a dumb thing to say, but wanting to buy herself a few seconds to process what was going on here.

  After the roller coaster the offer on the lodge had been, she’d thought they’d have a smooth ride for a while, but this was one doozy of a pothole.

  “Come with me.”

  And the pothole caved, growing into a sinkhole. “Josh, that’s crazy.”

  “Why? I still want to go see things I’ve never seen and do things I’ve never done, but I want to see them and do them with you.”

  The excitement in his eyes and the lure of seeing new things was enticing, but she refused to let herself get swept away by emotion. “I can’t just leave everything behind, Josh. I own a business. You own a business. What are we supposed to do? Drive around the country, washing dishes for food and gas money?”

  “I have a little money. And, even if I didn’t, why not?”

  “Seriously? You’ve waited your entire life for the opportunity to be a drifter?”

  “I need to see what’s out there to know what I want, Katie. Let’s go together.”

  “I can’t leave my mom.”

  “She won’t be alone. Andy’s moving in with her and they’ll be doing their own thing, anyway.”

  “Okay, fine. I don’t want to leave my mom. I don’t want to leave my barbershop. I’ve never once, in all the time you’ve known me, ever talked about leaving Whitford, have I?”

  The excitement faded and she knew he’d realized she wasn’t going to go.

  “I guess I thought maybe you’d want to go with me.”

  “Like how I thought maybe you’d want to stay with me?”

  “You, more than anybody, know how I feel. I’ve spent my whole damn life waiting for it to be my turn to go.”

  “And now’s your chance, so go.”

  He rubbed his hand over his mouth, like he wasn’t sure what he wanted to say.

  “You never made me any promises, Josh. You’re right. I know you’ve spent your whole life waiting for this and I’m not going to hold you back.”

  “You’re making
me choose between you and the life I always wanted.”

  “The fact you still think of me and the life you always wanted as two separate things means there isn’t really a choice.”

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” The desperate tone in his voice was almost her undoing, but she told herself she could cry later. That she would cry later, because the only thing that had ever hurt as much as this was the day her dad had died.

  “I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember, Josh,” she said. “But I don’t want to spend the rest of my life watching you turn bitter and hateful because you never got out of Whitford, so I’m taking away the choice and saying goodbye.”

  There wasn’t anything else left to say, so she turned to leave, but his voice stopped her. “Katie, please. I need you.”

  “You and I will always be friends. I’m here. Call me, email me, whatever. But you need to go find the thing that’s going to make you happy. I’m just sorry it wasn’t me.”

  This time she didn’t look back. She went out the front door so her mother couldn’t catch her and got into her Jeep. Without a single glance in the rearview mirror, she drove down the driveway and away from Josh, and she made it almost halfway to town before the tears started falling.

  * * *

  Two duffel bags, Josh thought, looking around his bedroom for the last time. Not the last time ever, of course, because Rosie wasn’t going to put up with him not visiting. But it would be a while before he saw it again.

  Everything he needed to go out and find himself fit in two duffel bags, which didn’t seem like it should be enough. But he’d tossed his boots on the floor in the backseat of his truck, along with his small toolbox, and his clothes and toiletries fit in the two bags. And the snow globe Katie had given him for Christmas. It had hurt like hell to look at their happy, smiling faces in the picture, but he couldn’t leave it behind.

  He hadn’t seen her in the week since he told her he was leaving. He’d talked to her on the phone a couple of times, but he could hear the strain in her voice. Seeing her face-to-face would be too hard on both of them.