Home From Within

by Lisa Maggiore

  Jessica sat at the desk in her bedroom contemplating how to lie to her parents. She already lied to Aunt Lodi. Well, she didn’t think of it as a lie but as a way to gather information about her family history. She’d told Aunt Lodi that she had a genealogy paper to complete for Humanities. Mr. Gambino did assign a paper; however, it was on her heritage. Jessica knew she was German, Swedish, and Norwegian. Her father taught her that as he lectured, using a map, about the history of America at war. The missing pieces were the stories about her grandparents and those before them. Why is her father so different from his sister? Why does he seem to care about his children but can barely put his arms around them?

  At dinner that night, Aunt Lodi brought up the paper before Jessica had a chance to formulate her lie.

  “A family tree?” her father questioned. “What does that have to do with your academics?”

  “Well, I’m not sure, but it’s an important part of history according to Mr. Gambino.”

  Her father and Aunt Lodi looked at each other. She smiled at him and gently said, “You know, I’m sure this is something we can figure out.”

  Jessica watched their apprehensive expressions. Aunt Lodi did not seem that concerned when Jessica had told her alone, but now, in her father’s presence, she seemed more rattled. This was the third day into Aunt Lodi’s visit, and her mere presence made Jessica feel like she could challenge the status quo of the household. Not head-on, but in small chipping away steps.

  “It would be nice to know more information about your parents,” Jessica said.

  “What exactly do you want to know?” asked her mother.

  “Well I need to make a family tree and put the names and birth dates of your parents and their parents before them. I also need to include immigration, like when they came through Ellis Island, and any stories that are relevant in our family history.”

  “You sound so professional, you straight ‘A’ student,” Aunt Lodi said with a grin. “Aren’t you so proud of her?”

  “Of course,” her mother said. “But let’s not get distracted. So you need your father and I to tell you about our ancestors?”

  “Yes,” Jessica said.

  All three adults looked at each other. Jessica stared at Jason as he shoved more venison stew into his mouth—one of Aunt Lodi’s concoctions. What is wrong with our ancestors? Jessica wondered.

  “When is your paper due?” asked her father.

  “Next Friday.”

  There was a long silence before her father spoke up again. “We will have a talk over the weekend, in the office.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” Aunt Lodi said, slapping the tabletop. “Now who wants some of my famous homemade brownies?” Aunt Lodi pushed herself up from the table and made her way to the kitchen. “And don’t give me that look, Katherine. My hard-core hippie days are over.”

  One of Jessica’s favorite times with Aunt Lodi was in the morning. She would wake up extra early, without the help of an alarm clock, and tiptoe to the guest bedroom. Aunt Lodi would be meditating on the bed, and Jessica would quietly slip under the covers while Aunt Lodi took cleansing breaths. Then, Aunt Lodi would pull Jessica in close. They would whisper, do exercises like the bicycle, and sometimes Aunt Lodi would read her palm. The most wonderful predictions about Jessica were made on her palm. Jessica will have a very successful career helping others, maybe have two children with a man that is very loving and generous. He will be big, like her father, but in a more teddy bear kind of way. Jessica always giggled about that. Aunt Lodi had been telling her that since she was little. As she got older, it would lead into the question: is there a special someone in your life? Jessica would always laugh, and Aunt Lodi would tickle her. But that was before, when it was impossible to have a special someone. Things were different now. Paul was someone special, but Jessica was not sure she could trust Aunt Lodi with that secret. If that secret ever crept into her father’s ears, who knows what would happen to Paul.

  “So, do you have a special someone?”

  Jessica hesitated. “Well, there are lots of cute boys at school, but no, they’re not into me.”

  “What?” Aunt Lodi whispered. “Jessica Turner, you’re probably intimidating those boys with your smarts and looks. You know, boys who like girls are usually too shy to say so. They do all sorts of dumb things to get your attention.”

  “Like what?”

  “Oh, they take your mittens and hat, so you have to chase them down. They try to act too tough or too funny and end up looking idiotic. Is any of this ringing a bell?”

  Jessica thought about it. No one had ever taken anything of hers to make an impression. Plus a lot of what Aunt Lodi was referring to sounded like something that happened in elementary school, not high school.

  “No, none of that has happened, but I’ll keep my eyes open for that type of behavior.”

  Aunt Lodi laughed and squeezed Jessica tighter. “Yes, please keep an eye out for that ‘behavior,’” she said, playfully mocking her. “Then you’ll know for sure that a boy likes you.”

  It struck Jessica in a funny way. Since Aunt Lodi was around, she wasn’t having as many lonely thoughts or feelings. And while she did think about Paul a lot, she didn’t crave his company as much. She wondered why, but she shrugged it off as another way that Aunt Lodi and her contagious self worked. The brightness in her could fill a void in anyone’s soul.

  Springtime brought about a renewed love of the outdoors, so the lunch table sat empty of the seniors since many would walk two blocks to JJ’s Gyros for lunch, or go to someone’s house nearby. Eddie now had a girlfriend and would sometimes go to her house with their friends. He never invited the girls along, so one day Marilee asked him why.

  “Because you’re my little sister.”

  “What does that mean?” Marilee asked.

  “Well, things that seniors do aren’t the same things that freshmen do.”

  Jessica and Marilee looked at each other. “So you’re making out and drinking?”

  “That’s none of your business,” Eddie said and walked away. The girls watched Eddie and his girlfriend lean their heads together as they made their way outside.

  “I wonder what he’s doing over there. You don’t think he’s having sex, do you?”

  “I don’t know. What do you think of his girlfriend?” asked Jessica.

  “She’s nice, you know, one of those cheerleader girls. Always like, ‘hi’ and ‘rahrah.’”

  Jessica smirked, but then wanted to cry. “Speaking of cheerleaders, did you notice who Paul is with?”

  “No, who?”

  “Donna Double D. Do you think she’s pretty?”

  “Like no. Do you see how much makeup she paints on her face? Like a flippin’ clown.”

  Jessica smiled but felt sad around the edges. “I think they’re having sex. Donna’s in my computer class. I overheard her say that she and her boyfriend have sex all the time and that they went to the beach one night and did it like four times in a row.”

  “Is that even possible?” Marilee asked.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Jess, you know I think you and Paul would be great together, but I think you pining away for him isn’t good for you. You don’t have that easy feeling about you anymore.”

  Jessica felt tears come to the surface. “But I like him so much. Do you know how hard it is to like someone and they really like you back but you can’t be together because your father might kill him? And not just the kidding kill him but the for real kill him.”

  Marilee put her hand on top of Jessica’s. “I’m sorry. I wish you could live with me, but I can’t date until my sophomore year.”

  “Well at least that’s in a couple months. I can’t date until I’m twenty-one, which is in forever.”

  “Having a lover’s spat?” came a voice from the end of the table. It surprised Jessica to see Paul there with one of his friends. Marilee’s hand was still on Jessica’s as she pulled it off slowly.

 
“No, we were just talking about how boys can be real assholes.”

  “Oh,” Paul said. “Well, I hope you’re not talking about me.”

  Jessica couldn’t take it. Without thinking, she jumped up and headed outside. Her strides were quick as she made her way out the stainless steel door and onto the cement courtyard. The brightness of the sun blinded her but that didn’t slow her pace. As she passed the benches full of students and was making her way to the baseball field, she felt a pull on her arm; swinging around, she saw Paul holding onto her sleeve.

  “Just leave me alone, Paul. I can’t pine away for you anymore.”

  “Jessica, please stop.”

  Jessica tugged her shirt sleeve away from Paul’s grip. “I can’t keep watching you with all these girls. I just can’t do it anymore.”

  “Let’s talk over there,” Paul said as he motioned toward the bleachers by the baseball diamond.

  Jessica didn’t move, but her tears kept falling despite her desperate wish they go back inside. She hated crying in front of anyone; it made her feel so vulnerable.

  “Come on, there’s hardly anyone over there,” Paul said with a concerned look on his face.

  She moved away from him. It was too easy to brush up against him and forget how hurt she really felt.

  The baseball field had randomly placed puddles from the spring rainstorm that had come through the night before, and all the bleachers contained small groups of students who were eating lunch and talking. Jessica and Paul ended up on a small section of the bleacher at the very bottom, hoping this put them out of the range of gossip.

  Paul stared at Jessica as she continued to wipe away any hurt she showed him.

  “Did I do something to you?” he asked.

  “No … well, yes.” Jessica took a deep breath and touched the necklace Aunt Lodi gave her.

  “I feel stupid right now. You did nothing wrong. It’s me.”

  Paul looked at her unconvinced. “So is that why you said you can’t, ‘pine away,’ for me anymore?”

  Jessica felt embarrassed. “Look, you’re free to be with anyone you want. We’re not together.”

  “You can change that.”

  “What? Oh, you mean sneaking around?”

  Paul looked at her intensely. “Do you know how easy it could be? On our half days you could tell your parents you have stuff at school so you have to stay the whole day. Or we could change our schedules in the computer to show that we have study hall at the end of the day even though we don’t.”

  Jessica lifted her face to smell the spring breeze. It made her feel like she needed a fresh start. “On the computer?”

  “Yeah, on a day when the lady lets you enter the attendance you can change your schedule.”

  “How do you know about this?” asked Jessica.

  Paul’s devilish smile came out again. “Let’s just say I had a class or two adjusted.”

  “And your grades?”

  “No. I’m not that stupid. Plus my grades are fine.”

  Jessica stared long and hard at Paul. The idea of changing her schedule sounded so appealing. And it sounded easy to do but not now. Her parents would question it immediately.

  “I could never do that now. It’s too late in the year. My parents would investigate that in a second.”

  “You could do it for sophomore year. We’re gonna pick our new schedule in the next couple weeks. You could add last period study hall to both of ours in the computer, print it out, and show it to your parents.”

  Jessica could hardly contain the mix of feelings running around her body and brain. “What would we do? Where would we go? I can’t be wandering around the neighborhood for my parents to see.”

  “That’s easy,” he said with a smile. “My house.”

  My house did not sound like a safe idea to Jessica. In fact, it downright scared her. Even though she felt more comfortable around Paul, she knew he had way more experience with relationships, more specifically sex. She was not ready for that adventure yet.

  “Uh, who’s home at your house?”

  “Depends on the day. Sometimes my brothers, my mom … sometimes nobody.”

  Jessica started to pick the cuticles of her nails.

  “Jessica, I’m not bringing you to my house to do anything you don’t wanna do. I’m not that kinda guy.”

  “What kinda guy are you, Paul?”

  He laughed. “I’m not sure how to answer that, but if I like somethin’ I go for it. Like with you.”

  Jessica hid her grin, not really understanding why Paul chose her in the first place.

  “Would you ever take my hat or mittens and make me chase you to get them back?”

  “Well, that’s something I did when I was nine, but if that makes you happy, then sure.”

  The bell rang as they continued to smile at each other on the bleachers.

  “Can I do something?” Paul asked.

  “What?”

  “Kiss you?”

  Ohmigod. Jessica had never been kissed before, and she did not want Paul to know how bad of a kisser she was going to be. She was hoping to get some practice by kissing her pillows.

  “Don’t you have a girlfriend?” she asked.

  “Yeah, you.”

  “I know you’re with Donna.”

  “Donna? The cheerleader?” Paul laughed out loud. “I’m not with Donna. My buddy Freak Boy is. I did have to help her out one day when this guy kept buggin’ to go out with her. Freak Boy went in rehab and asked me to watch over her in school.”

  Jessica felt relieved and stupid because she completely misread certain events.

  “So you and Donna are not going out?”

  “No,” said Paul shaking his head. “Not my type.”

  Jessica felt one step closer to kissing Paul, but it didn’t feel right to do it outside where everyone could see.

  “Not yet, okay?”

  Paul looked disappointed. “Okay. Are you good with changing our sophomore schedules to show we have study hall last period?”

  Jessica knew this step was taking her out of her father’s grip and placing her into the unknown. While she worried for Paul’s safety, her being in a relationship was a normal part of teenage life. And all she desperately wanted to be was normal.

  “I’ll do it. You’ll have to tell me how when the time comes.”

  Paul grabbed her hand and held it tight as they made their way back to school. “This is gonna be great,” he said.

  Jessica returned the pressure of his grip. Holding on was all she could do.

  Chapter 9

  Before Aunt Lodi returned to Cedar Creek, she took Jessica shopping for some new clothes. Aunt Lodi told her parents that Jessica’s clothing would certainly place her in the ostracized group in school. Her mother put up a fight, stating Jessica never said a word about being made fun of, but her father said he saw her point. Jessica’s eyes widened, and her hands balled up as her nostrils flared. She wondered why it took her father this long to let her go.

  As Jessica sat in the car waiting for Aunt Lodi, her father handed her a list of don’ts. Once again, makeup was on the list. So much for “letting go,” Jessica thought.

  “Be honest. You’ve been sneaking out clothes,” Aunt Lodi said as they drove away.

  Jessica didn’t want to lie. “Yes. I change at Marilee’s. She and Julie do my laundry and give me clean clothes and shoes to wear.”

  “Honey, I understand. I would be doing the same thing. Crazy, sending you to school looking like a boy. These should be some of the best years of your life.”

  That statement made Jessica feel much better about her choice to change her schedule. Aunt Lodi was right. This is the time to be young and adventurous.

  “Will you be here when Dad talks to me about the family tree?”

  “I wish I could, but I need to get back to the reservation. I need to help plan our planting celebration.” Aunt Lodi looked over at Jessica. “But that’s his story to tell.”

 
“And you have your own?”

  “Of course, silly. We all have our own stories. You have a story too.”

  Jessica never thought of it like that. She didn’t think she would have a story until she got married and had kids of her own.

  “But I’m only fifteen.”

  “Fifteen years of a story. Some of it you don’t remember, but that’s where the people around you come in. They fill you in on the little details of your unconscious life. Your conscious life is easier to translate because you’re a willing participant—well, for the most part.” Jessica noticed Aunt Lodi’s face saddened.

  “I saw a picture of you and Dad on his nightstand. You were on horses in the winter. Trees and snow were all around you.”

  Jessica could see that Aunt Lodi was searching the archives for a spark of recognition.

  “Oh, is it the one where the sky sits so low you could touch it?” Aunt Lodi asked.

  “Yes. I thought the same thing.”

  “Oh sure,” Aunt Lodi said slowly. “We loved those horses.”

  “Where were you?”

  She hesitated for a minute. “In the UP, on a friend’s farm.” Silence fell until Jessica spoke up again.

  “Can you tell me about it?”

  Jessica saw Aunt Lodi wipe away a tear. “You know, honey, me and your dad have stories that intertwine, even braid. But I don’t feel right telling you that one without him being here.”

  “Maybe you can tell it when we get home.”