Home From Within

by Lisa Maggiore

  Smudges of familiar faces crowded around her but only one did she see clearly.

  He also gathered around, staring at her as if he had seen the resurrection of Christ.

  “Mom, are you all right?” Paulina asked. Jessica watched his reaction to those words; he looked from Paulina to Jessica, back and forth, back and forth. His brow furrowed as he searched both their faces. She heard him ask someone if that was her daughter. Yes. She watched his face become confused, anxious, sad. She saw him turn toward Marilee and ask how old she was. Marilee met Jessica’s eyes with guilt, then looked away. Seventeen. Paul’s face collided into Jessica’s stare. He knew.

  Seth pulled Jessica up and kept a grip on her until she was steady on her feet again. Everyone thought she was reacting to her father’s death; only three knew the truth. Jessica tried as hard as she could to regain a sense of stability, but she could not take her eyes off Paul.

  His hair was cut close to his head but remained thick, with the same rich auburn that branded Paulina. Jessica noticed his face was the same as she remembered from their youth, with the only change coming from the lines that surrounded his eyes and the corners of his mouth. It made him look wiser, tougher too, but in a solid way. He stared at her and she could see a small tremor works its way down his throat.

  Jessica whispered a thank-you to Seth as he slowly left her alone, then shooed away Jason, Aunt Lodi, and Paulina, not ready for Paul to hear her name out loud. The few gapers who hung on gradually walked away. Marilee stood by her side when Paul finally approached.

  “Jessica? That is you?”

  She nodded and swallowed a larger tremor in her throat, not quite able to find her voice.

  He looked from her to Paulina and after a few seconds back to her. “I haven’t seen you in what, seventeen years?”

  Jessica felt the blood drain from her face and she tried to say, “I thought you were dead,” but the words refused to form. Jessica’s knees began to slump, and she reached for Marilee, who twisted her fingers into hers ever so slightly.

  Paul stared into her face. “And your daughter. She looks familiar.”

  Jessica’s unblinking eyes filled with tears, and they spilled down her cheek. She wanted to rejoice that Paul was alive, but it was flanked by her father’s betrayal.

  “She’s mine, isn’t she?”

  Marilee squeezed harder, but Jessica released her fingers, grabbing Marilee’s arm, her entire body shaking as she dug into the cotton of Marilee’s sleeve.

  Paul became restless, shifting back and forth, looking from Jessica to Paulina. Marilee tried to say something, but he put his hand up.

  “I need to hear from her. I need her to tell me.”

  Jessica was now a “her.” Her heart sank deeper into the abyss. The truth, as ugly as it was, would have to be revealed. It was not her fault; surely he would see that.

  “This is not the right place,” Marilee said anyway. “Look around. Do you really want this discussed here?”

  Paul’s face became more thoughtful despite the red tinge. “Fine. But I want to talk to Jessica alone.”

  Jessica was gripped by fear, not only about facing Paul but that she would fall down again without someone to hold onto. Marilee parted slowly, showing in her face the courage Jessica needed to summon. Jessica wiped away her tears and did her best to swab her running nose, all the while taking deep breaths to calm her emotions. She knew her shaking hands would reveal her need of wanting to touch his face, desperate to make his presence even more real, so she held them tight together in front of her.

  Jessica could hear intentional control in Paul’s tone as he repeated his question. Swallowing hard, she lifted her face to take the weight of whatever came her way.

  “Yes. She’s yours.”

  Paul’s face broke. He stepped back and Jessica could see his chest expanding, his heartbeat quick. Jessica watched as he looked at Paulina with a distant stare. She was talking to Seth and Jason, her long auburn hair being pulled gently by the spring breeze.

  Paul concentrated back on Jessica’s face. “How could you? She’s mine.”

  Before Jessica could explain, some men walked up—one of them was the off-duty police officer who spoke about her father. He gave Jessica quick words of sympathy and then turned to Paul.

  “We’re heading up to PJ’s. Are you coming?”

  Jessica watched Paul compose his face and voice. “I got some shit to do. I’ll meet up later.”

  Eddie walked up and the policeman asked him the same thing. He looked apprehensively at Jessica then at Paul.

  “Yeah, after the lunch.”

  “Fuck that,” said one man, wearing a hat with the inscription De Oppresso Liber. “I need a drink.”

  The men barely smiled as they walked toward the path to take them to the bar. Eddie stood in between Jessica and Paul, asking if they were all right. Jessica could not answer for herself. She kept staring at Paul, who looked like he wanted to take Eddie’s head off but then thought otherwise. Abruptly he searched his jacket pockets, pulling out a crumpled wrapper and taking a pen from the front pocket of his T-shirt so he could write on it. He handed it to Jessica.

  “I’ll be at PJ’s later. Call me when you get there. We’ll talk then.”

  Jessica nodded as she looked at the cell phone number and then watched him walk away. Eddie looked at her cautiously. “This is not my business. Marilee sent me over to make sure everything is okay.” Eddie paused for a moment. “So is it?”

  Jessica half smiled, nodding she was fine, and then walked toward Paulina on wobbly legs.

  As Jessica rode with Seth to the restaurant, he asked all the right questions, not prodding too much, but Jessica could not help but be distant. Why did her father lie about killing Paul? Why would he keep Paulina from her father? Jessica then turned on herself, asking why she didn’t go back to Chicago with Paulina, especially in those early years. Why did she allow her father to keep her away for so long? Jessica now believed that if Paul had known she had his child, he would have welcomed them with open arms.

  Jessica loathed herself for allowing fear to control her. She felt so stupid, so bad, so wrong. Her fingers started pushing into her hands, making lasting marks with her nails. Seth asked her a question about some people at the service.

  Jessica stopped hurting herself and spoke as if reciting a fact. “Most are police officers. Not sure about the others. I didn’t know most people there.”

  Seth cracked a laugh. “Could’ve fooled me.”

  For the first time since leaving the service, Jessica looked Seth’s way. “Well, the Ripps are a big family, a lot like yours.”

  As Seth got closer to the restaurant, he commented on how happy he would be to get back to the clean air and no traffic of the UP. “I don’t know how you ever lived here.”

  The Freilassen was quiet as smoky smells of meat hung in the air, making even the most grief-stricken attendee crave a piece. The back room held ample space for the lunch, and Jessica spent the first few minutes staring at the large mounted elk on the wall, its eyes black and nondescript. It reminded her of her father’s office, a room that even to this day made the pit of her stomach drop.

  Marilee’s voice pulled her attention back to the present. “I am so sorry you saw Paul that way. I tried to tell you once I figured out you thought he was dead.”

  “Please don’t apologize … it’s not your fault. But I’m in complete shock.”

  The girls found a spot at the bar. Marilee ordered a Bloody Mary, Jessica an iced tea, and Marilee filled her in on Paul.

  “When you disappeared, he went crazy. He followed me home a few times, thinking he may see you at my house. Mrs. Daley searched me out, asking what happened to you; she even went to your house. I really had no clue what happened, my dad was tight-lipped—you know how that brotherhood is.” Jessica grimaced. “My mom said you were alive, but she wouldn’t give more details—too loyal to my dad. I felt so bad for Paul; he seemed completely lost. He wen
t over the deep end: fighting in school, openly selling—and it was definitely not tamales. I didn’t see him much over the summer of our junior year—he was too troubled. But at some point, he changed. I’m not sure how or why. And guess what? He’s a police officer. He’s on a tactical unit—gangs and drugs. Eddie says he’s good, knows his stuff. Oh, and guess who he’s …” But before Marilee could finish, Paulina walked up with Seth, and their conversation was overtaken with Marilee asking Paulina, “What are you doing and where are you going in life?” Paulina had a lot to say about her last year of high school and plans to venture off to college. As Paulina was answering Marilee’s abundant questions, Seth leaned in and asked Jessica how she was holding up. He had gathered from overhearing little details that coming home might be really hard on her.

  Jessica tried to loosen her tight smile. “I’m doing the best I can, under the circumstances.”

  “You should hear your boyfriend. He’s frantic to be with you. I told him I have it under control but he doesn’t sound assured.”

  Jessica saw Marilee peek at her when the word “boyfriend” was mentioned. She chuckled when Marilee broke the flow of conversation to ask Paulina about Jessica’s boyfriend.

  Jessica missed Matt deeply and could summon the feeling of his comforting arms when sorrow paralyzed her. But considering the circumstances, she was glad he was not there. Jessica rationalized that Matt would not let her and Paul have a word alone, something Jessica desperately needed to do.

  Aunt Lodi finally edged Jessica into a corner at the restaurant. Jessica had been avoiding her looks since she fell to the ground in the forest preserve and while she was talking with Marilee and others at the restaurant.

  “That was Paulina’s father? How could that be? He’s supposed to be dead!”

  “I know. I know,” Jessica said, hating herself again.

  “Jim didn’t kill him,” Aunt Lodi said in shock.

  Jessica and Aunt Lodi stared at each other for a few seconds.

  “Jim didn’t kill him,” Aunt Lodi repeated, but with a small smile on her face. After a few more minutes, Aunt Lodi asked what Jessica was going to do.

  Jessica pursed her lips together for a moment. “He asked me to meet him so we can talk. He knows Paulina’s his; all he did was look at her and ask how old she was.”

  Aunt Lodi shook her head. “Jessica, be careful. Your feelings are falling out of you, and I sense they’re not all platonic. You have Matt to think about. And of course Paulina—Matt’s the only dad she knows.”

  Jessica gave careful consideration to what Aunt Lodi was saying, and she could not deny the truth in her words. Paul was her first love, her daughter’s father, and seeing him today sparked a feeling Jessica had only felt with him. As the truth of his existence settled inside Jessica, her thoughts were taking a physical turn. She so desperately wanted to reach out and gently stroke his face, touching parts of him that he gave her so many years ago. Jessica knew it was wrong to think that way, but she could not convince her younger self, the fifteen-year-old that fell in love for the first time that the thirty-four-year-old knew better.

  People filtered in and out of Jessica’s periphery at the restaurant, but her head was sunk into how to excuse her shame and how to explain to Paul her inability to dictate her destiny at sixteen. But how would she explain it at eighteen or twenty-one? Or thirty-four? Would he believe that she thought her father killed him? Believe that she thought he was sunk at the bottom of the Chicago River in cement shoes? And what about Matt? How did he fit into the equation now? Jessica shivered at the thoughts of Matt. She loved him deeply, safely, but Paul inflamed her like no other. And Paulina was his, despite Matt being the only father she had known.

  Jessica started feeling nauseous, so she got a ginger ale to calm her stomach and walked to where her mother was standing alone, near a window that overlooked the street.

  Jessica approached quietly and asked what she was doing.

  Her mother continued to stare out the window, her silhouette doused with a clouded hue. “I was just remembering the last time your father and I were here. We met Bob and Sue. Your father had the venison roast. I had the only fish item on the menu. It was a lovely evening.”

  Jessica became nervous, unsure how to respond. “That sounds nice.”

  Her mother turned to her slightly. “Those are the moments I will miss the most. It may be small and insignificant to some, but to me those are memories of a solid life.”

  Her mother gave Jessica a half smile and walked toward the waitress to pay the bill.

  In the parking lot, Jessica thanked Seth for staying with her and circumvented his guilt about driving back to the UP. Despite numerous angles, he finally agreed to leave and unwittingly let Jessica wrestle her demons alone. Of course, the only demons Seth knew of were the ones Matt told him about; Jessica shaded the truth as much as she could. Marilee was another matter because she insisted on going to PJ’s with her. Jessica decided that her conversation with Paul needed to happen alone; it was a private matter.

  And deep down she still wanted Paul to want her.

  “I know you mean well, but I have to handle this on my own.”

  Marilee looked at Jessica as if she were a child, but relented. “Promise me you’ll call afterwards. I need to know what happens.”

  Jessica agreed, and after lots of hugging and hand-holding, each crouched into their respective vehicles and drove away.

  In the car, Paulina was talking a mile a minute, about all the new people she met and how much she loved Jessica’s friend Marilee. But Paulina also questioned why she was never exposed to any of the Ripps if they were such good friends. Jessica had planned all the ways to deceive many years back and explained that when she got pregnant and moved to the UP, they were very young and struggled to maintain communication, eventually losing touch all together. But she always missed her friend and knew that one day they would seamlessly ignite their friendship because they had too much history, too many “firsts” together. Jessica also admitted it was more her fault than Marilee’s and that she has never been a good pen pal.

  “I guess,” Paulina said. “But Marilee seems like the type who would be in your life no matter what. It’s weird you never talked about her.”

  Jessica didn’t know how to answer and fell silent. Aunt Lodi chimed in about how much easier it is to stay connected today with cell phones and e-mail and that their losing touch was a matter of technology not choice.

  When everyone arrived at the Turner home, they once again retreated to their individual sanctuaries. Jessica stood outside her former bedroom to let Paulina know she had a few errands to run and would be back later tonight. Paulina hardly batted an eye as she crawled under the covers on the bed and gave her a sleepy grin.

  “I love you very much,” Jessica said, lingering in the doorway.

  “I know,” Paulina muffled, with her head covered by the comforter. “I love you too.”

  “You’re going to meet him?” Aunt Lodi asked after entering the guest bedroom.

  Jessica was rummaging around the closet, trying to find something that was not black. “Yes, as soon as I find something to wear.”

  Aunt Lodi sat down on the edge of the bed and watched Jessica fumble with the hangers, finally stepping back and turning toward Aunt Lodi. “Forget it. Do I look all right?”

  “All right for what?”

  “Please, I’m just going to talk.”

  “I want you to call upon the life you have built with Matt and Paulina. I want you to remember how long it took you to build that life. Please don’t let a moment of guilt burn all that to the ground.”

  Jessica summoned all her goodness to shine in front of Aunt Lodi. “I promise I’ll do what’s best.”

  “Best for who?” Aunt Lodi retorted.

  Pulling into the parking lot of PJ’s, heart in throat, Jessica said a prayer. She was hoping God would intervene in a loud way if necessary, possibly with a lightning bolt in between her and P
aul if He saw their intentions less than austere. But it also gave her the courage she needed to step out of her truck and face her past in the light of day.

  As she walked through the parking lot, she called Paul’s cell phone, but it went straight to voice mail. Unsure whether to leave a message, she hung up, hesitated, and then phoned one more time, hanging up again when she heard the voice mail message.

  Classic rock songs seeped onto the sidewalk as Jessica passed along the darkened windows of the bar, each step bringing another layer of nervousness, and before entering the doorway spotted Paul. He blocked her entry, looking at her through drunken eyes. “I can’t believe you never told me, never told me we had a daughter.”

  Jessica backed against the bright red door that was being propped open with a brick.

  “Don’t you know that I’m the assistant coach of my kid’s baseball team? And when Lexi needed a parent to be a part of Brownies I stepped up? Don’t you know that I’m a stand-up dad and man? My kids know who their daddy is.” Paul stumbled forward, looking straight at Jessica. His eyes narrowed, and his face was red with sweat collecting in the seams of his forehead. “How the fuck could you not tell me that shit?” he spurted as he fell against the wall next to the door of the bar. “How could you not let me be a part of her life … her … her … I don’t even know our daughter’s name.”

  Jessica’s eyes widened as she stepped away from the door and back onto the sidewalk, afraid he might be so drunk and mad he would hit her. “I am so sorry,” she pleaded. “You have no idea how sick I feel about this, how sick this secret has made me.”

  “I don’t give a fuck how sick you feel. You kept someone from her dad. I’m her daddy, me,” he yelled, pounding both fists against his chest.

  Jessica put her hands over her nose and mouth. She expected Paul to be hurt. However she was not prepared for the words he was throwing at her.

  “You knew I never had a dad. You knew I said I would never leave my children. That they would never feel unloved—they would always know their dad.”

  Paul’s face was contorted; his chest was pumping up and down, and he looked as if he could spit on her at any moment. A piece of her was in shock. This was her first love, the boy who helped open her up, not only emotionally but physically. She lost her virginity to him. The boy she loved with every part of her adolescent being. But staring at his face, feeling the hurt and betrayal oozing from his body, she knew he had lost any love he may have had for her with this secret. Knowing this, along with him being drunk, put her in an uncomfortable position. In an instant, her mind raced and grabbed onto one solution. Jessica turned and ran, ran as fast as she could to her truck around the corner. She was unsure if Paul would chase her but believed the alcohol would not let him get too far. Quickly starting her truck to speed out of the lot, Jessica glanced to the left, so she could turn onto the busy street and saw two men restraining Paul and mouthing words she assumed had to do with calming him down. Jessica’s tears descended, and at times, she could barely see the road. Her heart was aching; she had never felt this kind of ache, even when her mother left her years ago with Aunt Lodi. She now understood what the word heartache really meant.