Home From Within

by Lisa Maggiore

  “Where’s Mr. Olson?”

  “He passed many years back, but we always shared time together and your dad would do the same when he was in town. I’m not sure if me or Jim would have turned out this way if Mr. Olson had not helped us.”

  Jessica started thinking that the layers of a person could not be defined until you unearthed his or her past. And that while you will never forget the pain, and will be forever changed because of it, you can start living again. Slowly, very slowly, the heaviness Jessica encountered when thinking about her father started lifting away, believing now that her father really tried to be the best dad he could under the circumstances.

  “Jessica, I’m ready to go home now,” Aunt Lodi said. “I really do have closure.”

  Jessica gave Aunt Lodi a loving smile, which was returned, and she gently turned the ignition to move them forward, leaving the past to only be remembered by the land.

  The drive back to Aunt Lodi’s was quiet. Jessica paying attention to the sounds her tires made on different pavements while her mind wandered toward Matt, wondering how he would respond to her letter, and to her father and Aunt Lodi’s past.

  When they returned home, Aunt Lodi said she was going to take a shower and would love some hot tea. Jessica blended chamomile and rose petals together and poured hot water into a large mug, placing it on the end table in the living room, along with the TV remotes and burning sage. They sat together on the couch watching a comedy, just like the old days, but this time Aunt Lodi was cradled under Jessica’s outstretched arm.

  Chapter 30

  Night after night Jessica’s pillow was damp, as she pictured her father as a young boy, being smacked around, witnessing untold acts being done to his sister. Images of the harshness her father had to endure, knowing he was a man divided between a permanent war zone and true belonging, made Jessica feel pity for him and her heart soften toward his plight. She wrestled with the history between them, wishing he were still alive so that she could mend their relationship. But maybe Aunt Lodi was right; he never wanted her exposed to his story, never wanted her to experience the trauma of his youth. Never unleashing childhood memories to protect Jessica from the dark side he was capable of igniting at the flick of a flame.

  Jessica was thankful for the daylight hours because it distracted her from endless thoughts and gave her time to prepare for Marilee’s visit. It was Marilee’s spring break from school, and she would arrive on Wednesday and leave Saturday. Jessica was so excited about having her best friend back in her life. Although their relationship was different now—Jessica felt more in control of her decisions, unlike in high school, and believed Marilee got that message when she was home dealing with her father’s death and Paul. But Jessica was clear on how much she missed having a girlfriend, one in which she could confide in about everything. While Jean was a good friend, their age difference made Jessica sometimes feel like her daughter.

  As Marilee drove up Aunt Lodi’s driveway, Jessica ran out to greet her.

  “Oh, Jess, this is so beautiful,” Marilee said after getting out of the car and looking around as the trees moved to the song of the breeze.

  “I know. I wish you could see the farm—it’s even more breathtaking.”

  Marilee cocked her head to the side and gave a faint smile. “Any news on that front?”

  “No,” Jessica said, turning to look in the distance. “I sent him the letter and CD but nothing yet. I think we’re going on a week. Don’t you think that’s a really long time not to talk to someone? I know I was completely wrong, but to cut me out like this feels like a punishment.”

  Marilee nodded. “Have you thought about driving out there?”

  “Yes,” Jessica said quickly. “But then I get cold feet. What if he kicks me off the property? Or if his family’s there, I would feel so embarrassed.”

  “I could go with you.”

  Jessica felt an inch taller with those words. “Maybe. Let me think about it.”

  Once Marilee unpacked and got settled into the room Jessica’s father would occupy on his visits, they drove to town so Marilee could see the sights: two blocks of independent businesses and a marina. It was creeping up on dinnertime, so they grabbed a bite in a quaint restaurant—an old Victorian home that overlooked Lake Michigan. During dinner, they shared equally about the past, the missed years, and the present, barely pausing to eat or drink.

  After dinner, the girls walked through the historic downtown district which ran parallel to the marina, and Jessica introduced Marilee to many of the business owners. Marilee halted in front of Murphy’s Pub.

  “Look. They have karaoke tomorrow night. Oh, we have to go,” Marilee said.

  Jessica felt uneasy, recalling the last time she had been there.

  “What? Why do you have that look on your face?”

  “It’s just the last time I was here I drank too much and said lots of things I shouldn’t have,” Jessica said.

  “Well, you won’t have to worry about that. I have heard and seen it all,” Marilee said, laughing as she put her arm over Jessica’s shoulders. “You’re in good hands with me.”

  Jessica couldn’t help but believe Marilee’s assurances, finally relenting on karaoke and Marilee’s idea of inviting Jean and Aunt Lodi to join in the festivities too.

  “It’s always a good time when you have a bunch of ladies singing off pitch,” Marilee stated.

  Jessica made the calls as she drove them back to Aunt Lodi’s. She also, at Marilee’s prodding, called Matt, leaving a message on his voice mail stating she hoped he got her letter and CD and that she missed him so bad her heart ached daily. Her last words on the voice mail were asking for the gift of forgiveness.

  Marilee’s eyes filled with tears when Jessica hung up. “That was beautiful.”

  Right before pulling off the county road and onto Aunt Lodi’s property, Jessica’s phone rang. It was Paulina, asking again when she was coming home. It was easy to switch the subject, telling her Marilee was in town and they would discuss it when she left. After a few moments, Jessica handed the phone to Marilee.

  “Paulina wants to say hi.”

  After some brief chatter, Marilee hung up. “So we have a riding date with your daughter tomorrow, on the farm.”

  “What?” Jessica said, slamming the brakes of her truck on Aunt Lodi’s driveway.

  “I couldn’t say no. That would look suspicious. She asked for us to be there at three o’clock.”

  “Us?”

  “What could I say?”

  “Maybe that you’re allergic to horses. Something. How do you expect me to show my face when Matt has left me in silence?”

  Out of Jessica’s periphery, she could see Marilee looking at her. “Can you drop me off and I’ll say you had to go back to Lodi, then see if Paulina can give me a ride back?”

  A stern look is what Jessica gave Marilee before opening the car door.

  “Fine. I’ll drop you off and then have Paulina bring you back. But she cannot stay at Aunt Lodi’s since we’re going to Murphy’s, and Aunt Lodi is supposed to be in bed.”

  “I’ll handle everything. Don’t worry, okay, everything will work out.” Marilee smiled.

  The next day, the girls decided to drive two hours to hike to a cluster of waterfalls in Wisconsin. It was a gorgeous spring day, with the temperature hovering above sixty-eight degrees and not a cloud in the sky. Marilee continued to marvel at nature, commenting on the way the pine trees grew, looking through the rows of tree trunks into the cave of the woods. Jessica gave a lesson on the trees that grew in the UP. She pointed out the differences between the red, white, and jack pines and identified most hardwoods, such as the paper birch, sugar maple, and ironwood.

  “How do you know all this?” Marilee asked.

  “When you live with a farmer and nature lover, you tend to pick up on things, even when you’re not paying attention.”

  Backpacks loaded with food and other supplies, the girls trekked their way upriver wi
th Jessica pointing out the cottonwood, silver maple, and box elder trees that loved living by the water. Jessica ran her hand across the bark of the cottonwood, looking up at the buds just forming. The leaves each year on these trees were almost like friends.

  “I love trees,” Jessica stated to Marilee. “It’s strange, but I always felt a connection to them. Even when I lived in Chicago, I always felt the trees were looking out for me.”

  Marilee stopped for a minute to pull out a canister of water. After a big swallow, she said, “I get it,” looking up the tree Jessica had her hands planted on. “They have some sort of quality, I agree.”

  “When I was younger, I remember running through the woods with Jason and feeling free. And the trees were my protectors. Kinda like angels.”

  “A dose of protection without the Mace.”

  Jessica laughed out loud, something that surprised her, finally being able to make light of the Mace that was her father’s idea of protection.

  They continued toward the tumbling sounds of water, eventually climbing the multiple rock formations to find a place they could sit on without falling into the rapids. Marilee took a load of pictures while Jessica closed her eyes and tipped her face toward the sun, taking cleansing breaths, thanking God for the beauty of nature, and again asking for Matt’s forgiveness.

  “Are you still with me?”

  Jessica’s eyes jerked opened as she set her focus on Marilee, who was sitting only inches away from her face. “Oh, sorry. I was just praying. You know, thankful for all we have and asking for a small gift.”

  Marilee nodded. “You’re a strong believer still.”

  “Oh yes. Sometimes prayers were the only thing that got me through many lonely days and nights in my home. You guys were always the same way—church every Sunday.”

  “You know us Catholics—church every Sunday or guilt. But seriously, my parents were really good at laying a solid foundation for us to follow, and I have followed it, with my kids, every Sunday. But we don’t prepare those huge breakfasts like we used to, unless we go to Mom and Dad’s.”

  After exploring the area and resting to eat lunch, the girls headed back toward the farm so Jessica could drop Marilee off for her horseback riding adventure.

  Jessica’s palms started to sweat as her heart tap-danced the closer she got to the driveway. It was as if nervousness was brimming from all areas of her body, including her toes, which were unexpectedly cramping up. Jessica took intentional breaths to get back into the rhythm of ease, daydreaming of Matt seeing her and letting the burden of the past fall away.

  “I’ll let you off on the side of the road, so all you have to do is walk up that driveway.”

  Marilee smiled as Jessica pulled the truck over, making a cloud of dust on the gravel road. “Thank you, my dear,” Marilee said as she slid out of the truck. “I’ll be back in what, two hours?”

  “Sure,” Jessica said, stretching her neck to see if she could spot Matt. “Actually it will be more like three.”

  “Sounds great.”

  Jessica watched Marilee hike up the draw in the hill and then glide down, eventually out of sight. After one more glance around the property line, Jessica pulled onto the road and headed back to Aunt Lodi’s house. She hated the stretch of silence Matt was exposing her to, and she had to remember how to be patient. But with no end in sight, Jessica started contemplating telling Paulina the truth, believing Paulina would finally question why she’d stayed away for so long and why Matt didn’t go to Aunt Lodi’s to visit. Although Jessica lied a few times, telling Paulina about visiting the farm when she was at school, riding the horses, and helping Matt with his lengthy to-do list, Jessica would always call Matt and leave a message, asking him to back up her lie so that Paulina didn’t question their lack of togetherness. But backing up lies was not the way Jessica wanted to run their relationship; after her cathartic experience at her mother’s home, all she wanted was to be on her new path of freedom from within. Lies were not welcome.

  Jessica filled her idle time with a nap, shower, and rereading a section of the newspaper she did not pay close attention to in the morning, realizing that Marilee enjoyed noise, preferably her own, early in the morning before coffee.

  Aunt Lodi returned from work, drank some tea, and then changed her clothes, excited about spending time out with the “girls.”

  “Tell me when Paulina gets here so I can hunch over a little when I walk.”

  Those words were still floating in the air when Marilee stepped onto the front porch, without Paulina.

  “She was running a little late—has a date with Jake.”

  “Oh,” Jessica said, feeling left out of the daily details of her daughter’s world.

  “Jessica, I had a great time,” Marilee gushed, moving Jessica back into the now. “The land you live on is gorgeous. I was in awe at all the colors from one section to the next. It was like a quilt, you know, a section of green over here, then a section of brown, then yellow. Loved it! Although I think I really do have an allergy to horses. I sneezed about twenty times while we were riding and I gotta be frank, my ass is hurting so bad and I can barely pull my legs together. I feel so bowlegged.”

  Jessica laughed out loud.

  “Don’t get me wrong, it was awesome, but my body’s not so sure.”

  Jessica held her tongue, letting Marilee roll out her experiences in sequence, before asking about Matt. By this time, the girls had made their way to the guest room and Marilee sprawled on top of the bed, looking like she was about to make a snow angel in the comforter.

  “There are muscles in my butt I didn’t know existed,” Marilee said.

  Jessica heard her best friend’s moans but could only concentrate on one thing.

  “Matt?” Jessica said, again trying to push away the nervousness.

  Marilee’s face changed when Matt was mentioned, and she slowly sat up on her elbows.

  “Well I met him, I mean Paulina introduced us. I tried to chat but he was too busy with farm stuff.”

  “Did he seem disinterested in talking to you?”

  Marilee was silent for a few seconds. “Yeah, a little. He was working hard, you could tell by the dirt and stuff on his overalls, but he also seemed distant, not really wanting to take our conversation deeper.”

  Jessica frowned as she took on the weight of what felt like another rejection.

  “But I chased him down anyway.”

  Jessica turned to look at Marilee, who had a huge smile on her face.

  “So he finally did talk to me. I was able to get away from Paulina for a few minutes, but he really was not interested in talking about you. He never came right out and said that, but I could see how uncomfortable he was with me just mentioning you and our history together. He seemed bothered with me telling him how much he means to you and that what happened in Chicago was two people who never got closure.”

  Jessica mulled over what Marilee was saying. “Did he seem upset that you knew all this information?”

  “I wouldn’t say upset, just unsure.”

  The guest room became darker by each minute passing as the sun was now beneath the windowsill and sending a cold shiver in its path.

  “Jess,” Marilee said as she gently rolled over onto her side slowly sitting up. “I can tell he loves you. I’m just not sure he knows what he’s supposed to do next.”

  Chapter 31

  As the dark of night poured onto the streets of the historic district, Jessica, Marilee, Aunt Lodi, and Jean took their places at a corner table in Murphy’s Pub. The pub was packed with a mixed group of twentysomethings and beyond, eagerly awaiting to hear who was the next person willing to be made a fool. Jessica ordered a glass of wine, feeling nervous, remembering how she took advantage of its warmth the last time it was in her hand. Aunt Lodi whispered in her ear to not order a second, reminding her of last week’s drama. The loneliness was hard to shake, but Jessica had learned and was not willing to sacrifice herself again for the sake of coping.


  Aunt Lodi and Jean excused themselves to say hi to some people they knew while Jessica and Marilee winced at a man butchering a Springsteen song. Marilee grabbed the binder of songs and started flipping through the pages, trying to find the perfect one they could sing to.

  “You don’t really think I’m going up there, do you?” Jessica said.

  “Hey, we’re all in this together.”

  Jessica tried not to show her hesitation, afraid of ruining Marilee’s fun.

  “Oh my God, remember this one?” Marilee exclaimed as she happened upon the pages with all eighties music.

  Jessica didn’t feel the same nostalgia as Marilee about eighties music. Due to her lack of exposure to entertainment while growing up, the only artists that she had a history with were Prince and Johnny Cash, and both of those had Paul attached.

  Marilee continued to talk in her trademark loud voice about all the songs they had to choose from while Jessica pulled away, not sure if this was where she was meant to be. She tried not to allow her depression to eclipse the moment. She knew better but it was hard to push against the wave of sorrow that had Matt’s face attached. The fact that he did not want to speak about her with Marilee was not too surprising—Matt was a private man. But that he seemed so disinterested in talking about her was hard to swallow. Jessica reminded herself that time can heal some wounds, but she also felt that she may have to let go, unable to take back what she did, unable to control what happened next.

  “Hey, did you hear me? What do you think about this song?” Marilee’s voice brought Jessica back to reality.

  “Oh, let’s see,” she said, faking excitement.

  As the evening progressed and they listened to one choppy song after another, cheering loudly for the worst singers, Marilee finally persuaded them to get up and sing. It was last call, which meant they were the last song to perform that night. Dragging her body onto the dance floor, Jessica hated how vulnerable she felt in front of everyone and stood halfway behind Aunt Lodi, trying to hide herself from direct light. After their rendition of “Respect” by Aretha Franklin was complete, Jessica bounded off the floor and tucked herself back into the corner seat. Jean and Aunt Lodi were all smiles because they were so proud that they had enough nerve to actually get up there and sing, both firsts for them. They clinked their glasses in celebration and went to the bar to get more water before heading home. Marilee turned toward Jessica with an expression of joy, but it vanished after setting her eyes on Jessica’s face.