by Erica Lee
A few tears came to Diana’s eyes. “I don’t know. I’m just not happy. I haven’t been happy since we left California, at least not consistently.”
“Am I really that bad?” I choked out.
Diana looked surprised by my words. “There’s nothing wrong with you. I promise. This is all me.”
“You just don’t love me anymore…” The sentence left my lips as more of a statement than a question.
“I do love you. I promise you that. I’ll always love you. I’m just not in love with you anymore and I truly think that if you’re honest with yourself, you’re not in love with me either.”
It was the third time I had heard something to that effect in the past month and it made me wonder what had led people to that conclusion. I decided not to acknowledge it because I wasn’t even sure how I felt. “So, what do we do now?”
“It’s up to you, but if it’s okay, I’d like to figure that out after the holidays. I really don’t want to ruin anything for Ava.”
“No. I agree,” I answered quickly. Although, I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it through this holiday with so much up in the air about my future.
—————————
Christmas with our families was a little more bearable than Thanksgiving. Diana took the loving wife act down a notch, which I appreciated. Christmas was always all about Ava and our niece and nephew, and this year wasn’t any different.
Christmas Eve was spent with my family at my brother’s house. The kids exchanged presents, and my dad read The Night Before Christmas. When it was time for the kids to go to bed, we tucked Ava in with my niece. We’d started staying over there two years ago because Ava liked to wake up with her cousins on Christmas morning.
Once the kids were asleep, my parents left and the four of us went to work putting the presents from Santa underneath the tree. I noticed my brother watching Diana and me to see how we would interact with each other. The awkwardness between us probably could have gone unnoticed if he wasn’t watching so intently. Once the gifts were all sorted, Diana announced that she was going to head to bed.
“Goodnight, sweetheart,” she whispered, while leaning in to kiss me. I could tell she was going for my lips, but I moved my face so the kiss would be placed on my cheek instead. It didn’t feel right to share a kiss given everything that was going on, even if my action did cause both my brother and sister-in-law’s eyes to go wide.
Sensing that Scott and I could use a family talk, my sister-in-law announced she was going to bed as well. Once it was just the two of us left in the room, Scott looked at me and arched one eyebrow. “I’m going to guess that things haven’t gotten any better since Thanksgiving.”
I stared out the window at the snow that was falling down outside. Diana and I had agreed not to talk to our families about what was going on until we sorted everything out, but I couldn’t hold it in. I felt like I was drowning. “Diana is in love with someone else.”
My brother let out a low growl. “So, you were right? She’s cheating?”
I nodded my head in response, unable to say any words. After a few minutes of silence, I looked over at my brother. “Is there something wrong with me, Scott?”
My brother scooted over on the couch we were sharing and put his hand on top of mine. “The only thing wrong with you is the fact that you keep allowing her to treat you this way.”
After about an hour of opening up to my brother about my marriage woes, I announced that I was going to go to bed. My brother asked if I wanted him to set up the pull-out couch for me, but I declined. I didn’t want Ava to wake up and find that her moms weren’t in bed together like usual.
I quietly crawled into bed, trying my best not to wake Diana. It felt strange lying beside her. We had felt like strangers for so long, but the distance seemed even bigger now. We were right next to each other, yet miles apart. I laid awake most of the night wondering how we got to this point.
Christmas Day was nice, even with my lack of sleep. The look of elation on Ava’s face all day was enough to get me through. We stayed at my brother’s house through lunch, then went to see Diana’s parents. While at her parent’s house, Diana gave me my Christmas present, which was a locket that had D+A+H engraved on it and a picture of Ava inside. I thought it was a little strange considering what was going on between us, but when she softly whispered for just me to hear that it was to show that we would always be a family no matter what, I felt grateful for the gesture. So much so that I didn’t pull away when she leaned in to kiss me, knowing that she wanted to put on a show for her parents.
***
In the days following Christmas, neither Diana nor I brought up the conversation that was looming over us. I was happy when Diana had to go back to work the following Saturday. Having her out of the house made me finally feel like I could breathe again. I decided it might not be a bad idea for me to get out of the house as well, so I asked Ava if she wanted to get milkshakes at our favorite diner. She obviously agreed. That girl would never turn down a milkshake.
Within a few minutes, the two of us were seated at a booth slurping on milkshakes. Ava looked too cute so I took a picture of her and posted it on my Instagram, which I barely ever used anymore. I found myself scrolling down through my pictures until I found some with Diana in them. Although she had a wide grin on her face in every picture, I had to wonder if she was truly happy in any of them. How could someone go through years of their life just pretending to be happy? But then again, wasn’t that what I was doing? Sure, being Ava’s mom made me happy, but I couldn’t remember the last time I felt truly happy overall.
As if reading my mind, Ava turned her head and scrunched her nose up at me. “Mommy, are you sad?”
I tried my best to cover up my pain with a smile. “Of course not, honey. I’m with you. How could I possibly be sad?”
“You always seem sad. So does Mama. It makes me sad too.”
I swallowed hard at this admission. The whole reason I put up with everything that Diana put me through was to keep Ava happy. If whatever was going on between us was making her sad, something needed to change.
I knew that the talk between Diana and I shouldn’t be put off any longer, but since she worked all weekend, we had to wait a little longer to have it.
***
After spending the day as a family on New Year’s Eve, going ice skating and out for dinner, we all came home and warmed up by the fireplace before putting Ava to bed.
I took a deep breath as Diana and I sat down on the couch next to each other. “We really need to figure out what we’re doing here. Ava told me that she’s sad because she can tell that we are.” I went on to explain exactly what had happened at the diner.
Diana closed her eyes for a moment, and when she opened them, I noticed that she had started to cry. “I want a divorce,” she just barely whispered.
Even though I figured that was the direction we were heading in, hearing her say the words still hurt. We had been together since we were teenagers. I had a hard time imagining myself with anyone else. “Are… are you sure?” I stuttered, feeling pathetic even as the words left my mouth.
Diana sighed impatiently. “Yes, Hailey. We’ve been trying to work on this for years. I can’t do it anymore.”
I wanted to point out that I had been the one working on it. All Diana had ever done was drive a bigger wedge between us. I decided to let it be though. It wasn’t worth fighting over at this point. “Is this because of her?”
Diana stared down at her hands. “It’s because of a lot of things. But I’d be lying if I said she wasn’t a big factor in my decision. She’s shown me that I can be happy, and I think I deserve to pursue that.”
Even though I knew things were rocky between us way before this other woman was in the picture, I couldn’t help but feel angry at her. Why did she have to choose my wife? Was there really no one else in this world she could be with other than a woman who was already taken?
Part III: Samantha
Phillips: September 28
Chapter 22
“Cheers to another mistake!” my best friend joked. She then held up her wine glass, which I tapped mine against.
The mistake, of course, was the girl she’d most recently dated. For some reason, even though Carly was drop dead gorgeous with the perfect carefree, yet loving personality, she always dated the worst people. Her most recent breakup, which had occurred a few days ago, was with a girl named Ronda who had moved into her apartment, mooched off of her, and then been caught naked, in Carly’s bed, with the maintenance man.
When I noticed Carly had that far-away look in her eyes that came over her so often, I asked what she was thinking about. She continued to stare into space. “Just thinking about how lucky I am to have you.” She added a sigh for dramatic effect. “Why won’t you just date me?”
I felt my face turning red as soon as the question left her lips. I stumbled over my words because, honestly, how was I supposed to respond to that? I would date Carly Foster in a heartbeat. Before I met Carly, I was pretty sure that I was gay. When she walked into my English class on the first day of ninth grade, I had no doubt about it.
I felt my heart pounding in my chest anytime I glanced in her direction. By some stroke of fate, we were paired up for a project and quickly developed a friendship. Once she was my friend, I willed the heart thumping to stop. It seemed to work until I finally came out to her in the middle of our junior year, and she informed me that she was also gay. Learning that it was no longer a hopeless straight best friend crush made my feelings return ten-fold. For whatever reason, neither Carly nor I dated anyone throughout high school. Well, I knew my reasoning, but never figured out why Carly hadn’t. I had high hopes that just maybe her reasoning was the same as mine.
We were closer than most best friends I knew. We did virtually everything together, and I couldn’t help but notice that Carly was much more touchy with me than she was with any of our other friends. This was why I had decided that I would tell her about my feelings on the night of our high school graduation. That way, if she didn’t feel the same, we would have the distance between our two colleges (even if it was only an hour) to cool down the awkwardness. It seemed like the perfect plan, especially after I came out to my family and was accepted with open arms. That was until a few days later when Carly came out and received the opposite reaction. When your best friend ends up on your doorstep a few days before graduation with a suitcase in her hands and tears in her eyes, that’s not the right time to tell her that you may be in love with her.
I figured I’d let some time pass, and if I felt the same way once Carly and I weren’t spending every summer and holiday break under the same roof, I would tell her then. It turned out my feelings didn’t change, but Carly’s life did. After her sister died, she confessed that I was the only family she had left. In that moment, I made a vow to myself that I’d never let my feelings be known to her because I didn’t want to risk her losing anyone else.
Plus, at this point, I had no reason to believe that Carly would date me and the fact that she was now laughing about it like it was the biggest joke in the world only confirmed that.
Luckily, she quickly forgot about that joke and the conversation shifted to other topics. As we talked and laughed, I couldn’t stop myself from wondering how long I would have Carly to myself before she found herself another girl. I tried to push those thoughts away, because it hurt to even think about.
***
“I think I’m falling in love with her.”
Not even three weeks had passed since Carly’s last break-up and she was already falling deep into another relationship. A serious relationship apparently. Her words on the other end of the phone felt like a dagger to my heart, and for what felt like the millionth time in the past few weeks, I scolded myself for not going to lunch with her the day she ended up meeting the wonderful Diana. If I had just gone, the two of them would have probably never even talked.
I asked her to repeat herself, praying that I had somehow heard her wrong. In the twelve years I’d known Carly, she never once expressed to me that she was falling in love with anyone. I always knew it could happen, but never considered just how heartbreaking it would be to hear those words.
I tried to make a joke about sex in order to lighten the mood, but even that backfired on me when I found out that they hadn’t even had sex yet. I couldn’t contain my emotions anymore. This girl was different, and I was starting to realize how hard that was going to be for me. My breathing picked up as the tears started to fall from my eyes. I ended the conversation before she could say anything else and let the phone fall from my grip.
Instead of picking it back up, I curled into a ball on the couch and allowed myself to cry. Why did this hurt so much? I never planned on confessing my feelings to Carly, so what did I expect? It’s not like she was going to stay single forever, or in her case, for any amount of time. Still, the thought that she could actually settle down and start a life with someone was terrifying. If just hearing those words hurt this bad, what would happen if Carly decided to get married someday? Could I really stand beside her as she promised her life to someone else?
I snorted out a laugh when I realized how ridiculous I was being. Carly had only said she thought she was falling in love. Planning her future wedding might be jumping the gun. The more I thought about it, the more I regretted hanging up on her so quickly. To Carly, we were best friends. I was her person. I was the one she turned to when she wanted to talk, no matter what the topic, and tonight I had completely blown her off. I wasn’t sure how else I could have handled it though. Breaking down over the phone would have been just as confusing and unfair to her.
As unfair as it might be, I decided I would give myself the rest of the weekend before reaching out to Carly again. I needed some time to wallow in self-pity before I allowed myself to go back into best-friend mode, which would include apologizing for blowing her off and just maybe, finally, finding a way to move on from this unrequited love.
***
Making up with Carly was easy. That girl avoided drama like the plague. Moving on was not so easy. It was actually impossible. I tried to distance myself from her, hoping the space might help, or at least keep my heart from breaking even more since I wouldn’t have to continue to hear about just how perfect Diana is.
Still, two weeks later, when I received a text from Carly in the middle of the night asking me to bring wine and Ben and Jerry’s to her apartment, I immediately did. I knew Carly, and if she was reaching out, it meant she really needed me there.
As soon as I arrived and saw the sad look on Carly’s face, I pulled her into my arms. I let her melt into me for a few minutes, before letting go and directing us over to her couch so she could tell me what happened. I wasn’t shocked to hear that Carly had experienced the most “mind-blowing sex of her life” earlier since she often liked to give dramatic recaps of her sexual experiences—a personality trait that I wasn’t so fond of. What did shock me was the fact that Diana was married with a child. Out of all of the things that Carly could’ve told me, I certainly wasn’t expecting that. I thought that sort of thing only happened in the trashy TV shows we liked to watch, not to actual people in my life. I wasn’t sure what to say so I went into the kitchen and poured us two glasses of wine and grabbed two spoons for the Ben and Jerry’s. Without saying a word, we both dug into the ice cream. When Carly looked over at me and started to laugh, I couldn’t hold in my laughter, and the two of us lost control.
It was moments like this, when everything just felt so light and easy between us, that I realized I would never stop being in love with Carly. These moments also showed me just how lost I would be without her friendship and they were the reason that I would never actually voice these feelings to her.
Once we calmed down, we had a more serious discussion about what was going to happen with the Diana situation. Luckily, Carly agreed that she needed to end things before they went even further. I was happy th
at she had found out before she was even more hurt by the confession. There was also a selfish part of me that was happy Diana was going to be out of the picture.
Carly and I spent the next few hours watching television and talking about her parents. When the two of us could barely keep our eyes open anymore, Carly asked if I’d stay over with her. I always considered saying no in these scenarios, but never did in the end. If she needed me, I would be there for her.
Unfortunately, tonight was one of those nights that she really needed me and as she crawled into bed, she immediately wrapped herself around me. My heart was beating so fast that it was a wonder she didn’t notice. I was very aware of every spot on my body that her body was touching, and it made it hard to breathe. As Carly drifted off to sleep, I settled in for a night of lying awake, trying not to think about what it would be like to guide my best friend’s lips up to mine and share the kiss that I’d been waiting years for.
Chapter 23
After becoming aware of how much my happiness was dependent on the events in Carly’s life, I decided to give online dating a try. Normally, I would’ve gone right to Carly with this plan, making her sit down with me and tell me exactly what to put on my profile and which pictures to use, but I needed to do this alone. The whole point was to become less reliant on her. The problem was I had no idea how to put myself out there. The few girls I’d dated, I had either met at school or through mutual friends. I didn’t know how to sell myself to some random stranger on the internet.
After spending an hour typing, deleting, and retyping, I decided I was mildly satisfied with my profile. I looked through the girls in my area and quickly sent a generic message to a few of them without even looking at their profiles. When I came back a few hours later, I’d gotten a few messages in return. One in particular caught my eye. It was from a girl named Tara who told me that she works as a family lawyer and was the same age as me. After sending a few messages back and forth, we decided to meet up for drinks the following Friday.