by Erica Lee
When I arrived at the restaurant at 5:00, Tara was already there with a table reserved for us. She stood as soon as she saw me and offered her hand for a stiff handshake. I laughed to myself when I saw that her brown hair was pulled up into a tight bun. I immediately thought of Carly and the teasing I would have to endure from her for having a specific type of girl I always go for.
Tara was very nice, and the conversation flowed easily between us. We spent most of the meal talking about work and our plans for the future. It was easy to see that Tara was very career- and goal-oriented. She had a timeline of where she wanted her life to be at certain ages and I had to respect that, but there was a voice in the back of my head telling me this wasn’t the type of person I was supposed to be with. I was the serious one. I felt like I needed structure, but in reality, I needed someone who could take the structure out of my life; someone who flew by the seat of her pants and would encourage me to do the same—someone like Carly. I had to keep myself from groaning out loud as these thoughts came to my head because I knew that wasn’t the way to make a good impression on the first date.
As Tara and I said goodnight, she gave me her cell phone number as well as her office number, telling me that if I wanted a second date, it would be easiest if I set it up with her secretary. That was all I needed to decide there would not be another date. I couldn’t be with someone who was that high strung. It was destined to fail, like all of my other relationships.
As I drove home that night, it hit me. Why was I dating girls who were the opposite of Carly if I was trying to get over her? I obviously had a type since my feelings hadn’t changed through the years. Maybe the issue was that I was entering into relationships with people I could never be attracted to, giving them no hope of surviving.
I had a new sense of optimism when I got home and booted up my computer to check my dating profile. I scrolled through the messages I’d received and stopped at one from a girl named Caroline, who intrigued me. Her message was light with bits of humor, and she suggested meeting up for happy hour after work rather than going on a stuffy dinner date. We decided to do the following Wednesday.
***
I texted Caroline as I drove to the bar to tell her that I was running a few minutes late. When I arrived, I didn’t have a message back, and when I looked around, I didn’t see anyone who looked like the girl in the picture. Suddenly, the door to the bar opened and she walked in, looking completely disheveled. Her blonde hair was sticking in a few different directions, and she patted it down as she walked toward me. She was wearing a suit that looked like it had probably been nice and ironed at the beginning of the day, but was now covered with wrinkles from sitting. Even with all of that, she was still drop dead gorgeous. And when she made eye contact with me and smiled, she became even better looking. Oh yeah. If the feeling in the pit of my stomach was any indication, this was definitely the type of girl I was supposed to go for.
Once we were standing side by side, Caroline pulled me into a short hug. “Sorry, I’m late and coming in here looking like a hot mess. Wednesdays always seem to take a lot out of me.” She smiled even wider then added, “Which is exactly why I suggested happy hour. What do you say we get some drinks?”
I ordered a beer while Caroline got a Red Bull Vodka. I had a lot of respect for a girl who could get a drink like that on a Wednesday night. I was surprised to find I had even more respect for that than for someone who had the next ten years of their life planned out.
“Tell me about yourself, Caroline,” I inquired, as we found two seats at the end of the bar.
“Well, where do I start? I’m not normally this much of a hot mess. I also only wear outfits like this to work. I’m more of a jeans and sweater type of girl. And probably the most important thing for you to know—I’m not some lush that goes to the bar to get drunk on Red Bull Vodka every night. I actually prefer my drunken nights in, with a bottle of wine and a nice romantic comedy.” She winked at me after she finished, and I had to stop myself from salivating over that gesture.
When she asked about me, I told her how I spent most of my time either working or with my family. I learned that we both had younger siblings, only she had two sisters and a brother. Most of our time was spent telling funny stories about our childhoods, and work was only brought up momentarily when we both agreed that we loved our jobs, but didn’t want them to take over our lives.
When the date was over and Caroline told me to text her anytime to set up another one, I knew that I would.
We developed a pretty consistent back and forth over text messaging and Caroline informed me that she wouldn’t be free over the weekend, but I should let her know if I wanted to get together during the following week at all.
***
That Monday after I was done seeing patients for the day, I stared at the charts in front of me and considered leaving them and asking Caroline to go for drinks again. Just as I was about to pick up my phone, Carly showed up at the door of my office and asked if she could take me out to dinner.
After spending the whole meal trying not to cry as Carly confessed that she and Diana were going to move forward with their relationship despite her ongoing infidelity, drinks with Caroline sounded even more appealing. Before I could overthink it, I sent her a text.
Drinks?
Within less than a minute, she had responded. Right now? I’m in. Meet me at the same bar from last time in 20?
Before long, we were back at the same spot at the bar from the other night, picking up right where we left off. For the next hour, I forgot all about the conversation I’d just had with Carly and instead focused on the way Caroline’s eyes glimmered as she talked about her niece that was just recently born.
Since it was a weeknight, the bar closed early and soon our conversation was interrupted by the bartender giving us our final bills and a look that said he was ready for us to leave.
“Could I walk you to your car?” Caroline asked when we reached the front of the bar. I nodded, and we continued to walk down the street side by side until we reached my car.
After a quick hug goodbye, I put my hand on the doorknob, but didn’t budge to open it. Instead, I looked back into Caroline’s inviting eyes and in a move that not only surprised her but also myself, leaned forward and placed my lips against hers. Her lips not only tasted great, but also felt amazing connecting with mine. Soon, I opened my mouth to hers and allowed her tongue to slip in and slide over mine. Kissing her felt like ecstasy, and I completely lost track of the world around me. I ran my hands through her hair and she put her hands on my hips, pulling me even closer. The moment was perfect, except for one thing. I realized that I was no longer picturing the woman in front of me. In my mind, I was kissing a different blonde instead. What the hell, Samantha? Pull yourself together.
Caroline must have noticed my faltering, because she pulled herself away from me, a concerned look in her eyes. “Everything okay?” she asked shyly.
“Let’s go back to your place.” The words were out of my mouth before I could even think about what I was saying.
When Caroline tilted her head questioningly, I fidgeted nervously, running my sweaty hands over the front of my pants. I took a deep breath, but couldn’t look her in the eyes as I said the next part. “I would invite you to mine, but I still live with my parents, embarrassingly enough. I’m just not ready for this night to end.”
Caroline took my chin in her hands and forced me to look up at her, a sweet smile spreading across her face. “After a kiss like that, there is nothing I want more than to take you back to my place, but are you sure that’s what you want?”
My mind flashed to Carly once more and I thought about the way she always made excuses about going from one girl to the next by reminding me that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. I stopped picturing the way Carly would throw her head back in laughter whenever she said this, so I could focus on Caroline. “I need it.”
The way Caroline’s sweet smi
le transformed into a smoldering grin told me that she had taken my words as a come on. “My car’s just around the corner. I’ll drive over here to meet you and then you can follow me.”
I nodded, but began to scold myself as soon as she started to walk away. What was I doing? Was I really going to go back to her house and… what? Have sex with her? I wasn’t the type of girl to give it up to just anyone, especially in a desperate attempt to erase someone else from my mind.
Still, when Caroline pulled her car around, I got into my own and followed her.
***
Once inside her townhouse, I sat on the couch and took in my surroundings. Her walls were a light beige color and the decor had a rustic feel to it.
Caroline sat down beside me and lifted one eyebrow, a slight smirk on her lips. “Like what you see?”
When I nodded in response, Caroline put her hand on my knee and started tracing a circular pattern with her fingers, never taking her eyes off of me. “So do I.”
Goosebumps formed on my arms, but I wasn’t sure if it was from being turned on or nervous. Both of these feelings were fighting with each other deep inside of me, making it hard to think straight.
Caroline must have noticed my hesitation because her smile dropped, and she removed her hand from my knee. “Are you… okay with this?”
She sounded so sincere that all I wanted to do was kiss away her worries. Before I could overthink it, I leaned in and did just that. I wasted no time deepening the kiss, desperate to feel connected to her. Desperate to forget about everything else. Everyone else. Soon we were lying vertical on the couch, my body on top of hers.
I slid a hand underneath her shirt and relished the feeling of her smooth skin beneath my fingers. It felt so right yet so wrong at the same time. No matter how turned on I was, which was a lot at this point, I couldn’t silence the voice in my head telling me this was wrong. So wrong.
I reluctantly removed my hand and laid my head down on Caroline’s shoulder, embarrassed when tears began to fall. When Caroline realized what was going on, she shifted our positions so we were sitting up, my head still resting upon her shoulder.
She let me stay like this, running a hand through my hair as she whispered into my ear, “Shh, it’s okay. You’re okay.”
After about a minute of this, I pulled away and wiped my tears on the sleeve of my sweater. When Caroline looked at me with a mixture of confusion and sympathy in her eyes, I put my head into my hands. “I’m sorry. This isn’t like me. None of this is like me. I don’t hook up with girls I barely know. I don’t invite myself to a girl’s house on our second date. Heck, I’m never the person who makes the first move.”
Caroline laughed softly. “Yeah. I kind of got that impression.”
I shook my head and finally looked back at her. “I’m sorry. This is so embarrassing. I’m just dealing with some things right now and you happened to get caught up in it.”
Caroline placed a lone kiss on my forehead, then pulled back to give me a sweet smile. “Sorry to go all therapist on you, but do you want to talk about it? I happen to be a very good listener.”
“Promise you won’t think I’m crazy?”
“I talk to people about their problems all day. I’ve heard it all. Nothing surprises me anymore, so go on. Hit me with your best shot.”
I took a deep breath, nervous to say the words that I’d never dared to speak out loud up until this point. “I’ve been in love with my best friend since high school. I thought about telling her multiple times, but the moment was never right. Plus, she seems pretty set on dating every girl in this world other than me. She recently started dating someone new and it seems more serious than anything she’s had in the past, and I don’t know how to handle it. To make matters worse, the woman she’s dating is married and has a child. It’s like she’s willing to cross any boundary except the friendship one, and it makes me question myself. I’m the only person in the world that she’ll talk to about certain things, even if I do have to drag them out of her. I feel like I have every single part of her except the part I’ve been dying for, and it’s killing me. I didn’t know how to handle it anymore, and that’s why I decided to try online dating. Which, as you can see, is going really well.”
Caroline grabbed my hand and rubbed her thumb along mine. “I’m really sorry you’re going through that, but just for the record, I don’t think you’re crazy. In fact, I also happened to start online dating because I’m trying to get over someone I shouldn’t be falling for.”
When I lifted an inquisitive eyebrow, Caroline let out a long sigh. ”It’s one of my clients. She’s incredibly beautiful, just as much so on the inside as she is on the outside. She’s also gay.”
When I perked up a bit at the mention of her being gay, Caroline shook her head. “Also incredibly off limits for so many reasons. She’s married and has a child. Plus, she’s my client. That’s a line I couldn’t ever cross, even if her marriage ends, which is sadly seeming more and more likely.”
“I’m sorry. That must suck.”
Caroline shrugged her shoulders. “Nothing I can really do but ignore it and move on.”
“Wish I could give you advice, but clearly I’m in no place to do that. My crush is twelve years strong.”
Caroline and I both laughed and it felt good to finally have that out in the open. When Caroline stopped laughing, she studied me for a moment. “You know, clearly neither of us are in any place to date right now, but I really enjoy your company and would love to spend more time with you… as your friend. That is, if you feel the same way.”
I smiled over at her. “I think being friends sounds like a great idea. God knows I could use one right about now.”
“Well then, friend, if it’s okay, I’m going to go to bed. I can make up the couch for you if you want to stay over.”
I shook my head and stood up. “That’s okay. I should probably head home so my parents don’t get the wrong idea.”
Caroline gave me a quick hug before I turned around to leave.
When I was at the door, I heard her say my name. I turned around to find her looking at me.
“Just so you know, I bet if you kissed your best friend the way you kissed me tonight, she would forget all about that married woman.”
Chapter 24
As I stood in front of my mirror waiting for Caroline to arrive for the “double date” I had roped her into, a low growl escaped from my throat. Why did Carly have to be so clueless? I couldn’t be mad at her for falling for someone else, but how did she still not notice how much this hurts me after all of these years?
My thoughts were interrupted when there was a knock at my front door. I opened the door to find Caroline standing there, looking even better than usual, which was saying a lot since the last few weeks of being friends had taught me that she could look just as good in a T-shirt and sweatpants as she did dressed to the nines. “Wow, you look great,” I said breathlessly.
Caroline did a twirl, then winked at me. “Figured I should pull out all the stops if we’re trying to get your bestie jealous.”
“Oh… I’m not… I don’t want her to be jealous. I just wanted you here as backup.” As I said the words, I could feel my face turning red. That is why I had asked to bring Caroline along, isn’t it? Had I subconsciously wanted her to come in the hopes that it would make Carly jealous to see me with someone else?
I felt a hand on my arm and looked up to see Caroline staring at me. “You’re overthinking this, Sam. Just try to breathe. We’ll get through this night together. I promise.”
Just a few minutes after she arrived, Carly pulled into my driveway to pick us up. Caroline wiggled her eyebrows at me, as a look of excitement spread across her face. I could tell she couldn’t wait to meet the girl who had somehow held my heart captive for twelve years.
If Caroline was truly my girlfriend and my feelings for Carly didn’t span beyond friendship, the car ride to the bar would’ve had my heart swelling with happiness. Carolin
e and Carly immediately jumped into a conversation that turned into them joking around like old friends. I found myself beginning to relax for the first time that night, but unfortunately, that didn’t last very long. As soon as we pulled into the parking lot of the bar, a car pulled in beside us, causing Carly’s face to light up. She jumped out of the car as we reluctantly followed behind her. When we made it over to where Carly had met Diana, we found them enraptured in a pretty steamy kiss. It was then that I realized that in all the time that Carly and I had been friends, I’d never witnessed her kissing any of her significant others. Even though she was always very touchy, she somehow kept the PDA to a minimum with the people she was dating. The sight made me sick to my stomach, but I couldn’t force myself to look away.
As if reading my mind, Caroline reached out and grabbed my hand. She then leaned in close to whisper into my ear. “You definitely kiss so much better than that,” she joked.
I laughed at her attempt to cheer me up and was surprised to find that it distracted me from the spectacle in front of me. So much so, that I didn’t notice Diana and Carly had stopped kissing and were now looking over at us.
When they had our attention, Carly pointed over at us. “Diana, this is my best friend, Samantha, and this is Caroline, her…”
“Girlfriend,” Caroline cut in quickly and confidently, while stepping forward to shake Diana’s hand, all the while never letting go of mine.
She was killing this fake girlfriend game, and if Carly’s relationship didn’t have my heart in such a bind, I’m sure I would have found myself falling for her. As I looked over at her now, I wished I could be falling for her. How much easier would life be if that were the case?