by Erica Lee
I was trying not to think about it as I lay in bed with Diana, listening to her talk about how hard the past few days had been with her parents. She and Hailey were finally going through with the divorce and for that reason, Diana had decided it was for the best if she moved back in with her parents for now. From what I could gather from the parts of her story I was able to focus on, her parents were not happy about the divorce and blamed the whole thing on her.
“Where are you right now?” Diana finally asked, bringing me back to reality. “I’ve been kissing your neck for the past five minutes, and you didn’t even notice.”
I looked into her eyes, feeling guilty about being so far away. “Sorry. I didn’t want to say anything because you have enough going on right now, but I guess I might as well. Sam and I got in a huge fight on New Year’s Eve, and I haven’t heard from her since.” I told her the whole story, as she continued to place kisses along my neck and jawline. When I was done rehashing the events, I shrugged. “I just don’t get it. I can’t figure out what I’m missing.”
Diana stopped kissing me and seemed to contemplate my words for a moment. “Have you ever thought that maybe Samantha likes you? I kind of got that vibe from her when we met, but blew it off because she had a girlfriend.”
I immediately scoffed at Diana’s words. “Samantha still HAS a girlfriend and there is no way she likes me. We’ve been friends for almost fifteen years. If she liked me, she would’ve told me by now.”
I thought back to high school and how Samantha was the first girl I had a legitimate crush on. Sure, looking back, I could pick out girls I had liked before her, but I had never acknowledged those feelings to myself at the time. When Samantha and I first became friends, I had a mind-blowing crush on her. I mean, come on, who wouldn’t? She was sweet and smart and ten times prettier than any of the other girls at our school. She had to have realized I liked her. From the time I met her, I didn’t have any interest in dating anyone else, girls or guys. If she liked me back, all she would have had to do was say something, and I would have been all in. She was the unreachable ideal—the girl who was fun to crush on, but never had the potential of being anything more.
Of course, that all changed after high school when things went downhill with my family. She became my family and it would’ve been strange if I had kept having a crush on someone who felt like my sister, especially after losing the only sister I had. Plus, like I already established, she didn’t see me as anything more than that either. Diana was wrong. She had to be wrong.
Speaking of Diana, she was now rolling her eyes beside me. “I don’t know, Carly. I realize I haven’t been a stand-up individual during this relationship, but why would she be so adamantly against our relationship? I hate to say it, but it really does seem like jealousy.”
“Samantha cares about me. We’ve been through a lot together. She has gotten me through a lot. She just doesn’t want me to get hurt.” My words were much more snippy than I intended for them to be, but her accusation had hit a nerve and honestly pissed me off a little.
Diana must have noticed because she quickly retracted her words. “Sorry. You’re right. I shouldn’t have said that. I guess I’m just trying to help you make sense of everything, but as usual, failing miserably.”
I looked over at her for the first time since our conversation started and melted into those dark eyes, immediately forgetting any anger. “You’re not failing. I’m kind of a mess right now. I’d rather you just help me forget about it.”
Diana lifted a seductive eyebrow. “It would be my pleasure,” she purred as she kissed my neck then licked along my pulse point, making my whole body hum in response.
I rolled over on top of her and began kissing her desperately. My body was on fire as our mouths moved together in tandem. Then suddenly, a scary realization hit me. I was no longer caught up in the moment with the girl underneath me. The girl who had me so hot and bothered (and frankly much more turned on than I had been in a really long time) wasn’t the girl I was making out with. It was none other than Sam. What the hell? What had Diana’s words done to me? There was no way I was close to getting off by picturing my best friend.
I opened my eyes to bring myself back to the current moment and focused my attention onto Diana. As I licked down her body, I was careful to keep my eyes on her so I didn’t somehow slip up again. When I reached a particularly sensitive area of Diana’s skin, she bit her lip and opened her eyes to stare down at me. Much to my dismay, it wasn’t Diana’s dark eyes that I was looking into, it was Samantha’s.
I shook my head and groaned audibly, removing my mouth from Diana’s body. Confusion spread across her face as she continued to stare down at me. “Sorry,” I apologized. “With everything going on between your life and my own, I’m finding it really hard to stay in the moment.” It wasn’t a complete lie.
Diana pulled me up to her level and motioned for me to lay my head on her chest. “I completely understand,” she said with a sigh, while running a hand through my hair. “It’s a lot.”
She has no idea. I could only hope these strange feelings would go away before I had to face Samantha at work on Monday.
***
Unfortunately, two days later when Monday rolled around, I was still unable to completely wipe those thoughts from my head. As if it wasn’t bad enough that I had pictured Samantha when I was with Diana, she’d also crept into my sex dream the night before. It didn’t make sense. I hadn’t had feelings for Samantha since high school, and even at that time, it was just a school girl crush. It felt weird and strange to be having these thoughts about someone I didn’t see that way at all.
At this point, I had to suck it up and not think into it so much. It was just Diana’s very wrong assessment messing with my head. Things were already going to be awkward enough due to our unresolved fight. I didn’t need this adding onto it.
When I arrived at work, Samantha wasn’t there yet, but the first patient was. By the time Samantha arrived, I was able to avoid her by acting busier than I actually was. This worked until lunch time, when we both happened to walk into the lunch room at the exact same time.
“S-Sorry,” I awkwardly apologized. “I, um, didn’t realize you would be here.”
Samantha’s eyes softened as she looked at me for the first time in a week, and I felt my stomach do a weird flip. “You don’t have to be sorry. You have every right to be here.”
I nodded my head, but bolted toward the door. When my hand reached the knob, I felt Samantha’s touch on my arm. “I’m sorry about lying to you, and I’m also sorry about the things I said. I didn’t mean it when I told you I was done.”
I gulped audibly and stared at the spot on my arm where her hand was still resting. Before I could think of how to respond, Samantha continued.
“But I do need some time. I have a lot of things I need to sort out right now, and I just can’t do that with you around. I know I’ll see you at work, but for now, we can’t spend time together outside of here.”
I nodded before slipping away. I figured it was best not to push her to talk. I knew she would come to me when she was ready.
The afternoon dragged by. It didn’t help that the schedule was pretty empty. I was hoping to sneak out early when I heard Phyllis ask Samantha if she minded taking a walk-in patient since we had an opening. Of course, Samantha agreed so I prepared the pre-test room while I waited for Phyllis to bring me the chart.
“I hope you don’t mind that we took her.” Phyllis giggled, as she handed me the chart. “She’s just the cutest little girl though. Who could say no to that smile? And those freckles?!”
I rolled my eyes at Phyllis as she left the room. She had yet to have a consult for cataract surgery, so I wondered how she could even see this girl’s freckles. Once she was completely out of the room, I looked down at the chart. I blinked my eyes a few times to see if I was reading the name right. I certainly was, but maybe it wasn’t her. But how many six-year-old girls could there be in thi
s area with the name Ava Smith-Cox? I knew for a fact that Diana was working today since I had seen her briefly during my lunch break. That could only mean one thing.
I took a deep breath and walked into the waiting room, where I saw Ava and Hailey waiting. “Ava,” I called out, trying to keep my voice as steady as possible. I briefly wondered if Hailey knew who I was and had come here to stalk me like I had done at the diner. As soon as she smiled at me, I knew that wasn’t the case though. This woman had no clue who I was, which almost made me feel even more sick over the situation. I put on a smile and did my best to get through the pre-testing as quickly as possible.
Halfway through the testing, Ava looked over at Hailey. “Mommy, could we stop at the hospital and see Mama? I miss her.” The little girl missed the pain that entered onto her mom’s face at the question and smiled over at me. “My mama works at the hospital,” she informed me proudly. “She helps sick people feel better.”
“Oh yeah?” I asked, trying to act as excited as possible. Without thinking, I pulled out my locket that was tucked underneath my shirt and began playing with it. It had always been a nervous habit of mine to play with whatever necklace I was wearing, but I didn’t think about the fact that my current necklace was given to me by this woman’s wife. That was until I looked toward her neck and saw the exact same locket hanging from it. I could just barely make out the engraving on it, which read D+A+H.
What the hell, Diana? Did she seriously get me the same gift that she got her wife? My gaze must have lingered a moment too long because I watched a look of horror cross onto Hailey’s face as she stared at mine. She looked back into my eyes with questions running through her own. I almost wished she would have been throwing daggers at me. That would have been so much easier to take than the painful, confused look I was receiving.
I had no idea how I was supposed to react, so I quickly left the room to take the chart to Samantha. More than anything, I wanted to talk to her about what was happening, but I knew I couldn’t. Samantha told me that she needed space, and I had to respect that. My face must have given me away, because as soon as I handed her the chart, she looked down at the name. When realization hit her, she flicked her eyes back and forth between the chart and me. I gave her a look only Sam could possibly understand to confirm that her assumptions were correct, then turned to leave the room.
She lightly touched my arm just like she had earlier, and when I turned to look at her, I saw concern in her eyes. “Are you okay?” Her voice was tender and soft and the sincerity in it caused chills to run through me. It was nice to know she cared, even in the midst of certain bumps in our friendship. I didn’t want to push though so I smiled appreciatively and nodded my head, before turning around again.
As I listened to the faint sound of Samantha starting the exam, I wondered what I should do. It felt wrong not to do anything. She clearly knew who I was. But what was I supposed to do? It would be unprofessional to say anything in this setting, and Ava was with her. What was I going to say anyway? Sorry I’ve been screwing your wife. Sorry for being the final nail in the coffin for your marriage. It was so much for than that, but that was all she would hear, no matter what I said. Plus, I was super pissed at Diana and didn’t want to say anything I would regret. But how dare she? The fact that she got me the same gift as her wife made me feel cheap. It made it seem like this was all just a game to her. I sat down at the table in the break room and put my head in my hands. What the hell was I supposed to do now?
Chapter 27: Hailey
I sat in the exam room trying to pay attention to what Dr. Phillips was saying, but it was hard to hear her over my own mind. I was silently cursing myself for choosing this day and this location to have Ava’s eyes checked. She recently had a letter sent home from the school nurse suggesting we have her eyes checked and since we happened to be in the area grocery shopping, I decided to stop in to see if I could set something up. I never thought we would get in the same day, and I certainly didn’t think my wife’s mistress would be working there.
Honestly, I’m not even sure why I chose this complex to go grocery shopping. We had a few stores that were closer to our house, but for whatever reason, I decided to torture myself by choosing the one closest to Diana’s job. I didn’t realize just how much I would be torturing myself though. And to think—I could have gotten out unscathed, never knowing that I was looking right into the eyes of the woman who was tearing apart my marriage, if it wasn’t for the stupid locket. The locket that I had naively felt special to receive. The locket that my wife got for me and her girlfriend.
As soon as I saw that locket with my wife’s initials carved into it next to another woman’s, I wanted to hate that woman. But for whatever reason, I didn’t. There was so much guilt and confusion in her own eyes, I almost felt for her. Almost. She was still a homewrecker, whether she felt guilty or not.
My thoughts were interrupted by Dr. Phillips announcing that the exam was complete, and Ava didn’t need glasses. We both laughed when Ava turned up an eyebrow and said, “Are you sure I don’t? Because I’m pretty sure I do. My friend, Becky, has glasses and when I put them on, I can see so much better.”
Dr. Phillips gave me a look that said she was used to kids playing this game after their friends got glasses, but then her eyes took on another emotion—empathy. Did she also know about my cheating wife? How embarrassing.
I was completely flustered as I made my way to the front desk to check out and became annoyed when I saw who was waiting to take care of me. I avoided eye contact as I swiped my card and waited for the transaction to go through. As she handed me the receipt, I noticed an envelope underneath it with my name on it. I looked at her one more time, before heading for the door.
By the time we reached the car, I felt like the envelope was burning a hole in my pocket. I knew I couldn’t take it out and read it in front of Ava without her asking a million questions, so I did the first thing that came to mind. I drove us around the corner to the hospital and told Ava we could go see her mama.
The first person we ran into upon entering the hospital was Bill. He was a security guard in his late fifties, and I’m honestly not sure who adored him more—me or Ava.
As soon as he saw us, his face lit up. “Well, would you look at that? Two of the world’s prettiest girls—to what do I owe the pleasure?”
Before I could say anything, Ava jumped into his arms and began chattering. “We’re here to see my mama. She hasn’t been around much lately, so I miss her. I think my mommy does too, because she seems sad at home without her.”
I cringed at her words, but luckily Bill didn’t seem to catch on to what she was talking about. He probably thought Ava was saying that because of the long hours Diana works at the hospital.
“Well, you two are in luck,” he said with a wink. “I just saw your mama heading to the cafeteria. I’m sure she’s still there.”
I nudged Bill in the side and motioned toward Ava. “Mind taking her down for me? I have to run to the ladies room real quick.”
He agreed, and I quickly walked in the opposite direction of them toward the bathroom. When I was seated in a stall, I pulled the note out of my pocket and began to read.
Dear Hailey, I’m not really sure what I want to say except that I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t mean too much coming from me, but I do sincerely mean it. I guess it’s easier to convince yourself that you’re not doing anything wrong, when you don’t have to put a face to the person you’re hurting. I was able to move forward by convincing myself that you were some kind of monster, but it’s clear that you’re not. You’re a mother trying to make the best life for her daughter, and I’m actually the monster. I’m going to include my number, just in case you need someone to talk to or want to ask me any questions. I’m sure I’m the last person you want to talk to, but I figure it’s the least I can do. I truly am sorry. -Carly
I stared at her words for a long time, trying to dissect them. What did any of this mean? I believed h
er that she was sorry, but she was still the woman that my wife was in love with. She was right about one thing. She really was the last person I wanted to talk to. It wasn’t her fault, and I had a feeling Diana was hurting her almost as much as she was hurting me, but I wouldn’t go down that rabbit hole again. I had no interest in interacting with the woman my wife had chosen over me. I knew there might be a day when it would become necessary if their relationship continued, but now wasn’t the time.
I took a deep breath before leaving the bathroom and heading toward the cafeteria. I spotted Diana and Ava before either of them noticed me and watched as Ava threw her arms around theatrically while Diana listened intently. When I was just a few feet away, Ava turned and caught sight of me.
“Mommy! I was just telling Mama all about my trip to the eye doctor!”
The look on Diana’s face told me that she’d put the pieces together about where we’d been. She quickly looked away from me and back at Ava. “Since you were such a big girl today, I’m going to let you pick out any treat you want. Just use Mama’s card. You can only have one though.” Ava flashed us both a big smile as she took Diana’s hospital ID card from her and raced toward the dessert section of the cafeteria.
Diana smiled as she watched Ava skip away, but her face dropped when she looked back at me. “Listen, Hailey… I…”
Before she could say anything else, I put my hand up and shook my head, motioning for her to stop. “Let me talk first please. First off, you need to know I had no idea that Carly worked at Phillips when we went in there. Heck, I didn’t even know her name was Carly until today. I wouldn’t have even known it was her if it wasn’t for…” I paused for a second as I felt myself getting choked up. The last thing I wanted was to cry in the middle of the hospital cafeteria, so I took a few calming breaths before continuing. “If it wasn’t for the locket. For God’s sake, Di, you got us the same Christmas present? How the hell do you think that makes me feel?”