by Erica Lee
That wasn’t the case though, so I had to spend the next two hours trying to be happy as my best friend made googly eyes at the woman there with her. I had to admit that Diana was nice, but I still hated her. I hated that she wasn’t loyal. I hated that she seemed to be playing games when she had a daughter at home. But, selfishly, what I hated most was the way the love of my life seemed to be falling in love with her.
After the bar, Carly dropped Caroline and me back at my house. She held my hand as we made our way up the sidewalk, clearly trying to keep up the ruse of us dating. Once we were inside and out of view, she squeezed my hand then let it drop.
“I hope you don’t think I overplayed that,” she said with a shrug.
I smiled. “You were perfect. I know this is a messed-up situation, and it was probably wrong of me to ask you, but I really do appreciate you doing that for me.”
Caroline waved her hand at me. “Don’t even worry about it. I had a nice time. I always wanted to be an actress, and this was my first chance at a starring role.”
“Well, if being a therapist doesn’t work out for you, I’d certainly say that you have a career in acting. You killed it out there.”
Our conversation was interrupted by the sound of my phone going off. I looked down to see a text from Carly.
“Does your girl miss you already?” Caroline asked.
I rolled my eyes at her. “Carly isn’t my girl. Also, how did you even know that was her?”
“You have the Carly look on your face.”
I laughed. “The Carly look?”
“Yep. It’s the look you get whenever you think about her. It’s kind of a mixture between love struck and constipated.”
“Gee. Thanks. Anyway, no, she doesn’t miss me. She just asked me to call her if we weren’t spending the night together.”
Caroline leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. “That’s my cue. Gotta go. Don’t wanna keep you from your girl.”
“That’s actually exactly what you’re supposed to be doing.”
“True. But I also need some sleep. Pretending to be your girlfriend is exhausting.”
When I glared at her, Caroline gave me a hug. “I’ll make you a deal. What do you say I take you out for coffee tomorrow and you can tell me all about how hot Carly thinks your girlfriend is?”
Before I could respond, Caroline was out the door.
***
Caroline raised one eyebrow as she took a seat across from me at the cafe. “You look like shit.”
I rubbed at my tired eyes and tried my best to stifle a yawn. “Gee, thanks. Is this how you talk to your clients too?”
“Nah, I save all of my compliments for you.” The look on her face became more serious as she stared across the table at me. “Seriously though, what’s up? You look like you barely got any sleep.”
I groaned. “That’s because I didn’t. Between fighting with Carly, coming to Carly’s rescue, and trying to remember how to breathe while she snuggled close to me in bed, sleep didn’t really happen.”
Caroline put up one hand and shook her head. “Whoa. Back up. You’re going to need to give me more details than that.”
I sighed as I recalled the events from the night before. “Well, when I called Carly after you left, we ended up getting in a fight. Apparently, I’m not giving Diana enough of a chance. Well, not apparently. I know it’s true. It’s hard though, you know? It killed me to sit at that bar with them last night, but even with all of my feelings aside, I don’t think Diana is right for her. I mean, she’s married for God’s sake. Sure, she’s nice and has an easy-going personality, but I don’t buy all of her woe is me stories about her wife. Who knows. Maybe I’m wrong. For Carly’s sake, I hope I am.”
I paused only briefly to take a sip of my coffee. “That conversation ended with Carly hanging up on me, which hasn’t happened once in all of the time we’ve been friends. So, of course, I stayed awake waiting to hear from her. I know. It’s pathetic. What I didn’t know was Carly was in the middle of dealing with some really shitty stuff, which triggered a lot that she hadn’t dealt with from the past. So, long story short, she needed me and I was there. Between all of that and the weird moment I thought we almost had, my head is a mess right now.”
I took another sip of coffee and looked toward Caroline whose eyes were wide at this point. “Sorry. That was a ton of rambling.”
“It’s no problem at all. I’m more than happy to help you break down and analyze each piece of last night, but first I need to know more about this moment.” She rested her chin on her hand and smiled as if I were about to share hot gossip with her.
“It was stupid. There was a brief moment in my car when I thought the way Carly was looking at me changed, and it felt like something passed between us. Something more than friendship.”
Both of Caroline’s eyebrows shot up. “And then what happened?”
“Her stomach growled, and the moment was over. I’m pretty sure the look I was seeing was hunger. Hunger for food, not for me.”
“Hmm…”
“I’m going to need you to elaborate.”
I watched as Caroline used her finger to trace a pattern along her cup, as if she were deep in thought about what she wanted to say. “I don’t want to get your hopes up over nothing, but I saw Carly’s face when I introduced myself as your girlfriend. Something was off. She wasn’t happy about it.”
I laughed. “That’s probably because she was pissed that she didn’t find out from me.”
“It wasn’t anger, Samantha. It was… jealousy.”
That couldn’t be true. Could it? If Carly was jealous that would mean… no. There was no way. “I’d actually rather not talk about this now. Give me an update on your client.”
Caroline pursed her lips together at the mention of her crush. “You know I can’t do that.”
“Just give me an update on your feelings.”
Caroline put her face in her hands. “They just keep getting stronger, and it’s killing me. Every week I try to talk myself out of it. It’s so wrong and completely unethical to even have these feelings. Even crushing on her feels like I’ve somehow taken advantage of her vulnerability. At this point, it almost feels like the only option is to drop her as my client. I know I should, but that seems so shitty. She’s opened up to me, and the last thing I want to do is let her down. I’m afraid switching therapists would put her back at square one and that’s so unfair.”
To my surprise, a few tears came to Caroline’s eyes. “I’m just so conflicted. I want to do what’s right, but I’m not sure what that is. I never thought I would be in a position like this. I wish I could turn off my feelings, but I can’t. I feel connected to her in a way I’ve never experienced before. My brain keeps telling me all of the reasons it’s useless to feel this way, but my heart won’t stop. I just want to figure out a way to move on.”
I nodded my head. I understood that all too well. “If you figure it out, please share the wealth. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to make it through the rest of the holiday season feeling the way I do right now.”
Chapter 25
The holidays went by fairly seamlessly, even with all of the time I had to spend around Carly listening to her mull over every detail of her relationship with Diana. Some details were positive, while many were negative. Yet, even with all of her concerns, she still didn’t seem to have any doubt that Diana was her future.
To give my heart a break, I decided not to spend New Year’s Eve with Carly for the first time since becoming friends. It seemed necessary after I had almost confessed to being in love with her on Christmas Eve. She knew I had fallen in love with someone, just not her. When she asked me to describe how it felt, I looked at her, studied the face of the woman who unknowingly had my whole heart, and told her exactly how it felt to be in love with her. I couldn’t even tell you what words I actually said. All I could hear were the words in my head, which I would never speak out loud. It’s you, Carly. All of the feelings. All
of the emotions. It’s only you. It’s always been you. It probably always will be.
This is how I ended up watching the New Year’s Eve countdown on TV with my parents, retreating to my bedroom as soon as midnight struck. For a moment, I regretted turning down Caroline’s offer to go to a party with her, but I couldn’t stand the thought of being around a ton of people.
Instead, I was spending the very beginning of the new year lying in bed by myself reading. Around 2 a.m., I heard my sister come stumbling into the house and could have sworn I heard Carly’s voice as well. I would have assumed it was my imagination playing tricks on me, if it wasn’t for the text that I received just a few minutes later.
I was just at your house dropping off your sister. I know you lied to me.
Shit. Busted.
Instead of acknowledging the part about me lying, I asked why she picked up my sister. In my defense, it was strange for her to call Carly instead of one of us. My parents and I were always more than happy to pick her up after she had too much to drink. Clearly, Carly wasn’t happy with my response and I received an angry text back in return. I decided it was for the best if I cleared it up in person, so I sent her a quick text telling her I would be over in twenty minutes, then threw on some clothes and a jacket, before heading to her house.
By the time I made it there, I still had no idea what I was going to say. I started with an apology for lying since that seemed like the logical place to begin. But since I didn’t have complete control over my emotions at the moment, I threw in a snarky comment about how I figured she would be spending the night with Diana.
Carly looked up at the ceiling, before directing her eyes back to me. “I turned her down so we could spend the night together.”
Lies.
“That’s bull and you know it, Carly,” I practically screamed. “So, what’s the truth? She can’t leave the family? Doesn’t want her wife questioning things?”
With this, Carly admitted that the reason they didn’t spend the night together had to do with more than just me. She then went on to admit that she had started to stalk Diana’s wife. While the social media stalking was no big surprise since we had done that together countless times in the past to a variety of people, the fact that she showed up at a diner that she knew the wife was at had me a bit concerned. I told Carly that I didn’t like the effect that Diana had on her and, before she could respond, added that I couldn’t deal with hearing her talk about Diana anymore.
Carly looked at me with mass confusion written all over her face. In the past, I probably would have found this look adorable, but tonight it was only serving to piss me off more. She looked like she wanted to say something, but hesitated for a few minutes, before softly stating, “But, Samantha, I don’t understand.”
Of course she didn’t understand. She never understood. She was never able to just look at me and really see the person standing in front of her. She would never see me the way I wanted her to, the way that I needed her to. All of these thoughts caused my blood to boil and all of my emotions began to spill out. “If you honestly haven’t figured it out by now… God, I just…” I wasn’t sure where I was going with that or what I wanted to do next—admit that I loved her? Pull her into my arms and kiss her? Instead, I headed toward the door of her apartment. I needed to get out of there. “You know what? Never mind. I’m done, Carly.”
Before I reached the door, Carly grabbed my hand and pulled me back toward her. “Please just tell me, Sam.”
For a second, the thought of kissing her again came to my mind. Instead, I pulled my arm away from her, tears beginning to sting my eyes. “No, Carly. Open up your eyes and see for yourself. For once, just stop looking at things from that little bubble you’re in. And if you ever figure it out, maybe then we can talk.” I didn’t turn back around to look at her. I knew if I did, it might convince me to stay. Instead, I stormed out of her apartment.
I was fuming as I made the drive back to my parent’s house and continued to fume as I sat in my room, just staring out the window. I’m not sure how long I sat like that, but it must have been a while since I eventually saw the sun start to rise.
I waited until 8:00 before heading to my sister’s room and pounding on her door. When she didn’t immediately open it, I stormed in. She slowly sat up in bed, holding her head and staring at me dumbfounded.
“Jeez, Sam. Can’t you let a hungover girl get some sleep?”
“Why did you have Carly give you a ride home last night?” I asked, completely ignoring her words.
Molly massaged her temples and answered without looking up at me. “I was drunk. Honestly, I don’t understand half of the decisions I make after I’ve been drinking.”
I rolled my eyes at Molly, which she didn’t see since she was looking everywhere in the room except at me. “I know you’re lying to me right now. Thanks to your chosen DD for the night, Carly and I got in a huge fight. The least you could do is tell me the truth. I don’t even know where you were last night.”
Molly finally looked up at me, guilt present on her face, which made me feel bad since it wasn’t truly her fault that Carly and I had fought. “You know Gina Franklin? The girl who collided with me and caused me to break my leg?” I nodded slowly in response, unsure what she had to do with any of this.
Molly sighed, then looked up toward the ceiling, continuing to stare at it as she began to speak again. “I was at a party with her. You see… the thing is… I went to that party with her… because…” She took a deep breath, then looked straight at me. “I like her.”
I felt a slight grin enter onto my face. “You mean you like her like her?”
Molly snorted at my choice of words. “Dude, don’t make this weird. But yes, to answer your question, I do like her like her. I just haven’t been ready to come out to anyone as bisexual, and then accidentally let it slip to Carly when I was high on pain meds. I really am sorry for causing an issue with you guys though.”
Any anger I had been feeling melted away with her confession. I moved across the room and sat down on her bed next to her. “You don’t have to be sorry. I’m sorry. I feel awful that you didn’t feel comfortable enough with me to tell me this.”
Molly shook her head and put a hand on my shoulder. “You don’t have to feel bad. It had nothing to do with you. It was completely about me not being ready to say it.”
I nodded my head in understanding. It made sense what she was saying. Coming out was a personal journey and it didn’t matter how open, accepting, and loving the people in your life were—the confidence to tell them came from within. “I completely understand, kid.” I draped an arm over her shoulder and pulled her closer to me before continuing. “But take it from someone who has been through it and learned from past mistakes. It’s better to just be honest about your feelings, especially to those you care about.”
A small snicker left Molly’s mouth and she shook her head as if what I had just said was somehow humorous. “Sorry, sis, but I don’t think you learned from past mistakes. If you had, why have you still not told Carly, or even me for that matter, that you’re madly in love with her?”
Molly’s words shocked me, and it took me a moment to answer. “That’s completely different.” I cleared my throat a few times then added, “Plus, whoever said that I was in love with Carly?”
A crooked smile formed on Molly’s face. “Well, for one, you just did. Plus, your eyes say it every time you look at her. I honestly think the only person that doesn’t see it is Carly. Want to know a secret though? She looks at you the exact same way.”
I scoffed at her words. “Okay, now I know you’re crazy. Carly is always dating other people. Plus, she is currently falling in love with the girl she is dating.”
Molly laughed again. “Yeah… the girl who looks shockingly similar to you, as did the rest of her exes. You don’t think it’s strange that she only ever dated girls with dark hair and dark eyes?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “She has a type. So what
?”
Molly continued to shake her head at me playfully, like I was at the butt of a joke I didn’t understand. “My point is that you are her type.”
I tried not to let her words get to me. There was no way she was right. Even if she tended to like girls who had the same look as me, she never went for anyone who acted like me. “Have you seen the girls that Carly dates? I’m not her type. She likes the absolute messes. Diana’s the best girl she’s dated, and she has a wife and child.”
Molly took a few steadying breaths then massaged her temples again. “Listen. I know I’m younger than you two and not as close to her as you are, but I can still see that she hasn’t been the same since her sister died. Don’t get me wrong, she’s awesome. I adore Carly. She’s like a second sister to me. But she’s broken. Broken people don’t always do what’s best for themselves, even if deep down it’s what they really want. Broken people tend to miss what’s right in front of them, especially if it’s something that they don’t think they deserve.”
I watched the sincerity and conviction on my sister’s face as she said those words. She truly believed what she was telling me, but I just couldn’t see it. I was also afraid that if I let myself believe her words even the tiniest bit, it would be heartbreaking to find out that she was wrong.
Even though I knew it was my fault that Carly and I had gotten in that fight, there was no way that I would be ready to face her anytime soon. I had way too much to think about, and seeing her would only hurt me more.
Part IV: World’s Collide
Chapter 26: Carly
Four days after our fight and I had yet to hear anything from Sam. It wasn’t from lack of trying on my part. I sent her countless texts and all I got back in reply was that she needed time to think. I was confused about how she had lied to me, but somehow I was the one getting the cold shoulder.