by Erica Lee
“Hey, hey,” I soothed, while running one hand through her hair. “It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. I’m right here.”
Carly closed her eyes and began to speak without opening them. “My mom apologized for everything. The day she died—she told me that she was wrong and that she doesn’t care that I’m gay. Do you know how many years I waited to hear her say that?” I noticed how her jaw started to tighten as she spoke. “I waited so long to hear that and she tells me hours before she dies. It’s like some sick joke, and I’m so mad at her and I’m so mad at Callie for choosing to leave me. But mostly I’m just mad at myself now because I’m still here and they aren’t. I shouldn’t feel angry at them. What kind of monster gets mad at the dead?”
I put one of my hands on each of Carly’s cheeks and forced her to stay this way while I spoke. “You can’t blame yourself for what you’re feeling. It’s a lot to process and you’re sad and you’re confused. But you don’t have to feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. You’re not a monster. You’re… you’re perfect.”
With these words, Carly’s eyes finally opened and she looked at me the same way she had looked at me in the car, after I picked her up from the hospital. Only this time, nothing interrupted our moment. I continued to stare into her eyes and to my surprise, I felt myself moving closer to her. It was beyond my control, and I was a prisoner to my own body and to this moment. When my lips were just inches from hers, I closed my eyes and let the magnetism between us pull me in the rest of the way. When I felt our lips connect, it felt like a thousand fireworks were being shot off inside of my body. That’s when the weight of the moment finally hit me. I was kissing Carly. The one thing I’d dreamed about my whole life was happening, but I couldn’t even tell if she was kissing me back. Come to think of it, I was almost positive she wasn’t.
I quickly pulled my lips away and stood up. Before she could say anything, I ran out of the room and immediately left the house. What the hell had I just done?
Chapter 31: Carly
What the hell just happened? One moment Samantha was consoling me and the next, her lips were on mine. What was even more shocking was how it felt when our lips touched. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced before, and if I would have had the mental capacity to actually use my brain, I would have kissed her back. But unfortunately, I didn’t react fast enough and before I knew it, she was gone. But what did that mean? Did Samantha want to kiss me or did she just get caught up in the moment? Had Diana been right about her? What about me? All of the feelings I had been suppressing all of these years finally came to the surface. It was Samantha. It had always been Samantha. Why had it taken me so long to figure that out?
Then another thought hit me. I knew exactly why. It was Samantha—beautiful, loving, perfect Samantha. Samantha was the type of girl who deserved the world. She deserved perfection, and that wasn’t me. I hadn’t allowed myself to see what was right in front of me because it wasn’t obtainable.
I forced myself to walk back downstairs, knowing I should talk to her, but unsure what I was going to say. I searched the whole house, but didn’t see her anywhere. I saw Mr. and Mrs. Phillips talking to a couple with a son my age and then found Molly on the back porch. She still had her crutches, but was able to put a little weight on her leg at this point, so she leaned against the glass door, while her crutches were rested against a chair.
I tapped on the glass and she scooted to the side a bit so I could join her outside. I leaned against the door beside her. “Do you know where your sister is? I can’t find her anywhere.”
A confused look came onto Molly’s face. “She went home. She just texted me a few minutes ago to say she wasn’t feeling well and was leaving. I’m shocked she didn’t say anything to you though.”
I simply sighed, unwilling to divulge to Molly what had just happened upstairs.
She looked over at me and put a hand on my shoulder. “How are you holding up?”
“I’m holding,” I answered simply. I didn’t want to think about anything going on right now. “So, what’s new with your girl? Share anymore kisses?”
A dreamy look came onto Molly’s face. “We went on a date on Friday night. Carly, it was amazing. We went to dinner and a movie. She bought my ticket, held the door, took me back to her place…”
“Whoa. Slow down there, Little Phillips. We might not be blood related, but I still see you as my little sister. I don’t think I can handle hearing all about the sex you had.”
Molly smacked me playfully. “Get your mind outta the gutter. We didn’t have sex.”
“Ah, so, it is a Phillips gene.”
That earned me another smack. “No. Absolutely not. I’m not a prude like my sister. Trust me, I would’ve had sex with her. If the making out was anything to go by, whew, it’s going to be fire. But, we both agreed to wait until my leg healed a little more so it didn’t get in the way.”
I laughed. “The leg she broke.”
“Right. I’m so scared to tell my friends for that very reason. No one is going to care that I’m bi or dating a girl. My teammates will, however, care that the girl I’m dating is also the girl who happened to end my basketball career and possibly ruin our playoff chances.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “If she makes you happy, that’s all that matters.”
Molly clumsily bumped her hip against mine. “Speaking of which, you have a new girl, right? How’s that going?”
I cringed. “It’s not going. We broke up.”
Molly studied my face. “I’m sorry to hear that. Although, it’s probably for the best. Maybe now…” She let her words trail off.
“Maybe now, what?”
She waved a hand at me. “Forget about it. You have enough on your mind right now.”
“So, what’s one more thing? Just say it, Molly.”
“Just don’t overlook what’s right in front of you, okay? You deserve happiness just as much as anyone else.”
I nodded my head, afraid I might cry if I tried to respond. I knew she was talking about Samantha, but I couldn’t admit that I finally saw it. I couldn’t bring myself to believe that I truly deserved her.
I squeezed Molly’s shoulder, then turned away from her to open the door. “Thanks for the talk. I better go mingle with the other guests.”
Before I talked to anyone, I took out my phone to send a text to Samantha. Is it okay if I take this week off work? I need some time to myself.
I watched the bubbles appear and disappear as I waited for Samantha’s reply. I cringed as I re-read my words. She probably thought by time to myself, I specifically meant time away from her. Before I could tell her what I really meant, she responded.
Of course. Take as much time as you need, Carly. By the way, I’m sorry.
Now it was my turn to stumble over what to type. I didn’t want to confess anything over text that should be said in person, but I also knew that I needed time to work through my feelings and it would kill Samantha if she thought I was avoiding her. I finally typed out a reply that I felt could suffice until I was ready to talk. You have nothing to be sorry about. I’m the one who should be apologizing. I’ve been so blind. I promise I’m not avoiding you. Given everything that has happened lately, my head’s a mess. I need to get all my thoughts straight before we talk.
Now, I just had to sort out this mess inside my head.
***
I let a week pass without any communication with the outside world. I sent Samantha a quick text when she checked up on me to make sure I was still alive and declined when my dad invited me to dinner, but aside from that, I was left alone with my thoughts. Thoughts that were all over the place. Confess my feelings to Samantha. Hide my feelings from Samantha. Ignore my dad. Give him another chance. My emotions were constantly changing as well. I could go from feeling sad to angry to guilty in a matter of minutes.
I was sad that my mom was gone, but still mad about how she treated me in her last few years of life. I was also kind of mad at her
for telling me she accepted me. Sure, it was nice to know, but what good did that do me now?
My feelings toward my dad circulated between guilt, anger, and sympathy. I felt bad not checking in on him since he was all alone now, but still felt like I didn’t owe him anything. In the end, I decided I would reach out to him eventually, but first I needed to work things out with Samantha.
Instead of calling or texting, I decided to go right to her house. Once I arrived, I took a deep breath before getting out of my car. I wanted to tell her the truth. I still wasn’t sure exactly how she felt, but she deserved to know how I felt for once.
Before I even had a chance to knock, Samantha was at the door. “Sorry. I heard a car pull into the driveway and noticed it was you. How are you?”
I nodded my head a few times. “I’m as good as could be expected, given everything that’s happening.”
A small smile played on Sam’s lips. “This is new.”
I cocked my head to one side. “What is?”
“You didn’t lie and automatically say you were great.”
I chuckled slightly. “Yeah, I’m trying this new thing where I’m completely honest with both myself and others. And by others, I really just mean you. Could I come in?”
“Oh my God, yes! I’m so sorry.”
Samantha led me inside to the family room, where we each sat on opposite ends of the couch. I stared at my hands, wondering where to start. When I looked up, I let my eyes wander around the room rather than on Sam. “Where’s your family?”
“Molly is back at school and my parents went into the city for the day. But I’m going to guess you didn’t come here to see them, so could you stop avoiding the subject?”
I took a few more deep breaths. It was now or never. “So, it turns out I’ve been pretty damn blind for years now. I dated all the wrong women, never once realizing that the one I actually wanted was right in front of me.”
I stood from the couch and began to pace, putting more space between Samantha and I. “That’s not completely true. I had a massive crush on you in high school. It was one of those fantasy crushes that I knew would never happen since you were always so much better than me. You were smarter, prettier, nicer. Hell, you still are all of those things.”
I let out a stifled laugh and ran a hand over the back of my neck. “After everything went to shit with my parents, your family became my family. I convinced myself I didn’t have those feelings anymore, and in case you haven’t noticed, I’m really good at suppressing my feelings.”
Samantha chortled. “Oh, I’ve noticed.”
I couldn’t even smile because I was too focused on what I needed to say. “Then I met Diana and convinced myself I had all of these feelings toward her, but I just couldn’t love her. When you and I were fighting, I started to see things differently and then you kissed me and it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I spent years making dating mistakes because I wasn’t willing to go for the one person I really wanted. That crush never went away. It only bloomed into more. I know it doesn’t change anything, but I need to be honest. I love you, Sam. I’m in love with you. I’m not even sure if you feel the same way or if that kiss was a fluke, but I need you to know that.”
Samantha stood from the couch, but I moved back a few feet. I couldn’t handle being too close to Samantha right now.
“The kiss wasn’t a fluke, Carly. I’ve wanted to do that for years.”
“That’s nice to hear, but this…” I motioned my hand between the two of us, “this would never work.”
Samantha’s face fell. “Why?”
“Because I’m a mess. I’m going to do something stupid and ruin it. I can’t lose you, Sam. You’re all I have.”
“Answer this for me. How much dumb shit have you done in the time we’ve been friends?”
I snorted. “So much dumb shit. The dumbest shit. The shittiest shit.”
Samantha took a few steps toward me. “And in all of that time, did you ever lose me?”
I shook my head. Even with all of our issues recently, I knew I’d never really lost Samantha.
“And do you know why that is?”
I shook my head again as I stared at the ground and continued to avoid eye contact with her, which was getting harder as she continued to close the gap between us.
I felt her hand on my chin and was forced to finally look at her. Her eyes were filled with hope and passion, and the way they somehow sparkled through their own darkness was breathtaking.
“It’s because of who you are, Carly. Sure, you do a lot dumb stuff. You’re closed off and sarcastic and, frankly, you are your own worst enemy. But you’re also the most caring, loving person I’ve ever met. You continuously put others before yourself. You would drop everything to be there for me and the rest of my family. I don’t think you realize how rare that is these days. You’re also so much fun and ridiculously hilarious. You’re beautiful in every sense of the word, and I’m madly in love with you. I have been for years. That’s not going to change.”
I shook my head, trying my best not to cry. “You deserve better than me, Sam. You have the perfect family and an amazing job that you’re really freaking good at. You don’t ever shy away from your feelings. Pretty much, you shouldn’t have to settle for someone like me.”
Samantha moved her hand from my chin and ran a finger along my cheek. “Is it really settling if I end up with the love of my life?”
This time, the tears did fall. I couldn’t have stopped them if I tried. “Stop. Don’t say stuff like that. It makes it really hard to control myself. You’re so perfect, Sam. You could find someone so much better than me if you just tried. I’m letting you go. You know how I feel, but now you can…”
Samantha put a finger up to my lips. “Carly, I need you to do me a huge favor right now.”
I stopped talking, so I could hear what Samantha needed from me.
“I really need you to just shut up and kiss me.”
I couldn’t believe those words were coming from Sam’s lips. I couldn’t believe the effect they were having on me. I also couldn’t resist anymore. I closed the last few inches between us and connected my lips with hers. Her lips felt perfect against mine, almost as if they were made for kissing me. When she ran her tongue along my bottom lip, then slipped it into my mouth, I lost all control of my body. My hands moved from her face to her hair then down her curves. Her perfect curves. Why had it taken me so long to notice those? How had I gone twelve years without feeling her skin under my fingers? God, I was an idiot.
When Sam’s hands came to rest on my hips, the feeling was almost too much to bear. Without removing my lips from hers, I pushed her back. When her legs hit the couch, she maneuvered onto it, pulling me on top of her. We both moaned at the feeling of our bodies connecting. After a few more minutes of making out, I forced myself to pull away.
“If we’re going to do this, I’m going to do it right. Will you go on a date with me?”
Samantha’s whole face lit up, making her even more beautiful. “I’d love to. When were you thinking?”
I looked down at my watch. “Three hours? Can you be ready by then?”
Samantha laughed at my sudden urgency. “I can, but unfortunately that’s going to involve you getting off of me.”
I placed one more quick kiss on her lips before standing up. “I better go, but I’ll see you soon.”
Chapter 32: Samantha
I paced around my bedroom as I waited for Carly to pick me up for our first date. I couldn’t believe it was actually happening. I’d waited twelve years for this and now that it was here, it felt so surreal. I had no idea what we were doing, so I decided to wear tight khaki pants and a maroon sweater with a white button-up underneath. Luckily, my parents were still in the city, so I didn’t have to explain my nerves to them. I was sure they would be happy for Carly and me, but I didn’t want to tell them until I knew this was real.
When I saw the headlights from Carly’s car, I started to make my wa
y downstairs. Before I even reached the bottom of the stairs, there was a knock on the door. I opened the door to find Carly standing there wearing a gray sweater dress with black leggings and tall gray boots. She was holding a bouquet made out of chocolate bars.
When she caught me looking at it, she held it out toward me. “I was going to get you flowers, but you always complain about how they make you sneeze and that you can’t keep them alive to save your life, so I thought you would prefer this instead.”
“It’s perfect, Carly. Let me put it in my room and then we can go.”
Much to my chagrin, Carly waited downstairs instead of following me up to my room. As much as I wanted to go on this date, I also wished we could spend some time getting to know each other more intimately. I truly thought Carly would take advantage of the opportunity to get me alone in my room and was disappointed that she didn’t.
That disappointment faded once I was back downstairs, and she looked at me in a way she never had before. I had a feeling that look was something I would never get used to.
My thoughts were interrupted by the feeling of her hand grabbing mine. When I looked at her in surprise, she gave my hand an extra squeeze and led me out of the house. She led me to the passenger side of the car and opened my door before dropping my hand so we could get in.