Every Heart

by LK Collins

  When we enter the Metro, it’s slow, and both of us take a moment to look over the menu. I try to decide on something that will be light on my stomach and order a bowl of soup. Bain orders a pasta bowl, then we both sit down to wait for our food. He hasn’t said much since our kiss and neither have I. I can sense his eyes all over me. The same way they were the night that we first met. But that night, I was free. Yeah, I was in pain, but I didn’t have the weight of another pulling me towards them. Though it had been difficult to decide between holding on to the pain of losing Nate or letting go of it to allow myself to move on. If only I’d known then, what I know now.

  “Arion?”

  “Yeah,” I respond.

  “I can’t take the silence, baby. Please, say something, anything. I need to know what you’re thinking.”

  With one heavy exhale, I look him right in the eye. “I’m going to stay with Aubrey ’til I can figure out what I want. I need a clear perspective on things and—”

  He cuts me off, “No, no, no, no, no. Please, baby, no. Anything but that. I’ll leave our house if you need the space, but not her house.”

  “Why?” I ask confused.

  “Because it’s minutes from his and I’m too far away if something should happen to you.”

  “Oh, Bain, I appreciate you worrying, but Aubrey has next week off of work, so she’ll be there with me. I really need to just clear my mind. I can’t do that at our house.”

  “So you already talked to her about this?”

  I nod my head, clearly seeing that he is getting frustrated.

  “Arion, please, baby. I’m begging you, I can’t…” He puts his head in his hands and it kills me to see him like this. Tears stream down my face watching my actions cause him this much distress.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

  “Me too, Arion. Me too.”

  The server brings our food over and sets it in front of us. Bain looks at it with as much enthusiasm as I do.

  “I can’t eat,” he says.

  “Me neither.”

  Finally he looks up at me. He’s so broken. Maybe I shouldn’t leave. Maybe I should just stay at our house. I break our gaze, not able to look into his eyes anymore.

  “Are you ready?” he asks me.

  I nod my head and go to stand. He holds his hand out to me, and I grab it. I’m still unsure how we ended up in this situation. It was never my intention to hurt him, but that is exactly what’s happening.

  On the walk home, neither of us speaks. We just take our time, with the occasional photo and shouts at Bain. Walking at this slower pace, Bain lowers the brim of his hat. I know he’s not in the mood to deal with fans right now. My mind races a million miles a minute and I wish that I could turn it off, to just enjoy this time with Bain. As I look over at him, in a pair of basketball shorts and a t-shirt, he is the sexiest man alive.

  I used to think that about Nate, but things are so different now. As I weigh the pros and cons of both guys, it’s just too much to handle and I know that I need to go to Aubrey’s. As much as I wish I could stay at our place in the city, I just can’t.

  I need clarity, another person’s perspective. I know Aubrey can give me that and she invited me to come and stay with her. She is my best friend after all.

  As we walk into the condo, I feel sick that I’m about to leave not only Bain, but our home. I wish it wasn’t this way, but my heart is telling me that this is what needs to be done and I have to follow that. Bain flops down on the couch, throwing his arm over his eyes. I grab my phone and text Aubrey. I told Bain. I’m gonna pack some stuff and head your way.

  I’m here, doll. Call me on the drive if you want.

  Before I just go and pack my shit, I sit down on the couch next to Bain’s feet. He lifts his arm and looks at me, then covers his eyes again.

  “Trust me, baby, if I thought there was any other way I could make this decision, then I would. But I really need some time away to just focus on what’s best to do right now.”

  “Arion, I’m sorry, but I don’t agree with you leaving me. I think it’s absolute bullshit.”

  “I’m sorry, Bain, please know that.” I stand and walk to our room, tears streaming down my face. As quick as I can, I grab my backpack and shove as many clothes in it as will fit. Then I collect my purse, putting my iPad and phone in it.

  I take my things and set them by the front door and go back to Bain. He’s still in the same spot. This time I kneel on the floor next to him and pull his arm off of his eyes. He’s a mess, but so am I.

  “I love you,” I tell him.

  “I love you too,” he responds. “How long are you going to be gone for?”

  I shake my head, not able to give him an answer.

  He frowns, shaking his head back at me and I kiss his lips. The second our mouths connect, it is pure passion. Everything inside of me burns and I know that I have to stop it. But Bain takes his hands, grabbing the back of my hair and weaves them in, holding me close. I love the way he controls me and he knows that. I can tell what he is trying to do.

  He’s hoping that he can distract me, which normally would work, but right now I have to be strong for myself. In order for me to decide what to do, I have to leave.

  Even though it weighs so heavily on my heart and hurts to the point where I just want to give up, I can’t. I can’t because I know both Bain and Nate are depending on me.

  As I pull away from Bain, he sits up not wanting to let me go. But I break our kiss and tell him, “Goodbye.”

  He sits there shaking his head, and with all of my will and my strength, I move forward. My heart burns and my throat feels like it’s going to completely close at any moment. It reminds me of my medication, which I grab from the kitchen counter and drop into my purse. I can’t bring myself to look back at Bain; instead I grab my car keys and open the door. Quietly, I pull it closed behind me, and the second it’s shut, my body wants to collapse on the floor, just like I did the day Nate was standing in the hallway.

  But I will myself forward, my strength persevering. On the elevator ride down, I open my bottle of pills, taking one for my anxiety, hoping it will bring me back to reality and restore some normalcy with my breathing.

  “Oh my God, I’m so glad you’re here,” Aubrey tells me as she embraces me in a huge hug.

  “Thank you for letting me stay with you.”

  We separate and I set my bags on the floor.

  “How are you holding up? You don’t look so hot.”

  “I’m not. This is all just a fucking nightmare.”

  “I’m sorry. I can’t even imagine what you are dealing with.” I take a deep breath letting her words sink into my head. Neither could I, until now. Aubrey heads into the kitchen and asks me, “Do you want a beer?”

  “Yeah.”

  As I sit on her couch, I’m taken back to the day that I made the decision to leave New Jersey. I never thought when Bain and I drove away to embark on our future that something like this would happen. God, everything feels like it has washed away, and now here I am in the clusterfuck that is my life.

  “Here, sweetie,” Aubrey says handing me my drink. Without even thinking, I take a long sip, allowing the alcohol to burn on its way down.

  “So what’s going through your mind?” she asks me.

  “Everything,” I quip back, barely able to keep myself from crying.

  “Be a little more specific please.”

  “Aubrey, what the fuck do you want me to say?”

  “How about where does your head stand right now?”

  “I’m at a loss, very confused, and scared. I know I need to see Nate, and last time that didn’t go well. But I have to do it. Then when I do, what do I say? On the other hand, I have Bain at home, hurting in the most unimaginable way, because I left him.”

  “A, I really think at this time you need to only think about yourself. I know that sounds selfish, but if they keep burdening you, trying to make you choose, it’s not gonna help you make the
right choice. You need to make a decision based on yourself, okay?”

  I nod my head, hearing what she is saying. I know that is what I have to do now; just doing it is a whole different thing.

  “Clearly, you still have feelings for Nate, or you wouldn’t have left Bain.”

  “I love him. Dammit, Aubrey, I love them both.”

  “I know, sweetie.”

  “Let’s talk about Nate. Besides the incident at your house, have you talked to him?”

  “No, not at all.”

  “Do you want to?” she asks.

  I think about her question for a moment, then answer. “I do.”

  “So, I think you need to get that handled first. I hate to say that Bain will be waiting for you, but he will.”

  I take another sip of my beer and sink down into the couch.

  “What if I don’t feel anything for Nate anymore?”

  “Then you go back to Bain.”

  “But what if I feel what I had with Nate, like he’d never left?”

  “Then you have a tough decision to make, but I really don’t think that you will. I think your heart will pull you towards one or the other.”

  She’s probably right. “I’m sorry to come barge into your house like this with all of this drama about me. I should have asked, how you’re doing?”

  “I’m fine. And you don’t need to be sorry at all. This is what friends do.”

  She wraps her arm around me and we sit in silence, sipping our beers. Then my phone chimes in the distance and I get up to check it. “Are you hungry?” she asks.

  “Not really, but I haven’t eaten much for days, so I probably should.”

  “I think I have an old, frozen pizza in here from ages ago I can heat up.” I can’t help but laugh.

  “Sounds good.”

  My phone shows a missed text from Bain. Fuck, I miss you. I love you so much, baby.

  Before I respond, I think about his text and how to write him back.

  “Who was it?” Aubrey asks.

  “Bain.” I pass her my phone and say, “I don’t know how to respond.”

  “A, the best advice that I can give you is to be honest with both of them, always, throughout all of this. What does your heart tell you to say?”

  “I love and miss him.”

  “So text that back and let it go for now. I think you have a bigger obstacle ahead of you with seeing Nate. What are you going to say to him and how can you be sure that you don’t have another panic attack and end up in the hospital?”

  “You sound just like Bain. Like I told him, Nate caught me off guard. This time, I’ll be prepared to see him.”

  How the fuck did this happen? How the fuck did this happen? As I sit on the floor of the living room completely shaken up and bloody, my body is unsure. One minute everything was fine, then the next, one of my worst nightmares came true.

  “Why don’t you shower, sweetheart?” my mom asks me.

  I shake my head looking up at her. Again feeling like a failure of a person.

  My dad finally walks back inside. Pain is written all over his face. He looks just as upset as I am. “How are you, son?” he asks kneeling next to me and rests his hand on my back.

  I shake my head, not able to answer him.

  “You did everything you could.”

  “No, I didn’t. If I had both legs, I could have run to him faster.”

  “I’m sorry, son. I hate to ask, but the vet wants to know if you want his ashes back.”

  “Fuck!” I shout, knowing that we are going to have to break the news to Arion that Zeus died. I can’t imagine hurting her again, I just can’t.

  “Should I call Arion?” my mom asks.

  I hate to cop out, but I sure as hell don’t want to be the one that has to tell her. “I guess. She needs to know and she’s probably not ready to hear it from me.”

  My mom kisses me on the forehead and then walks off to make the phone call. “I really wish he’d shower,” she tells my dad on her way to the kitchen.

  Glancing down, my pants and shirt are covered with blood. So I listen to my mom, willing myself to get up and into my bathroom. After I peel my clothes off, I throw them in the trash and get into the shower. The hot water cascades over my body and as I sit there, I break down.

  I’m such a fucking loser. I mean, I couldn’t even save my own dog from dying. Anger and pain wash down the drain with the light pink remnants of the last of his blood. I can picture him in my arms, after my pathetic ass finally made it to him.

  I punch myself in the fucking jaw in anger and grab the bar of soap, washing myself as fast as I can. Then trying not to think, I get up, soaking wet and balancing on my one leg. I grab a towel and wrap it around my waist. Leaving my crutches behind, I hop to my bed. I just want to sleep so I can wake up and this will all be a dream. But as I cross the floor, my foot slips from the water and I have nothing to hold on to. I fall hard, smack in the middle of the bathroom. My body lands like a ton of bricks.

  What else could go wrong today? I take a deep breath and force myself to get back up. I grab my crutches and stand on the rug for support. I dry myself off and then leave the bathroom. This is the exact reason I need to start building my strength. Clearly I can’t help myself. It’s been shown more than once today. After I dress, I lay down on my bed, doing my best to clear the pictures of Zeus from my mind. I even will my brain back to Afghanistan in hopes that the pain of being there will wash away the events of today.

  As I wrestle in my own mind, something in the distance pulls me towards it. My ears open as wide as they can. Listening to the voices outside of my room, I swear I hear Arion, but I know it’s not possible. Then clear as day, I hear her say, “What happened?”

  Fuck, she’s here. She’s at my house. But, how did she get here from the city so quickly? I force myself up and pull a hoody on to hide the scars that cover my body. Then with all of my might, I go to her.

  The second I open my door, I can see her. She’s sitting on the living room floor, with Zeus’ blue ball in her hand – crying. The tears stream down her face and it kills me to know that yet again I am responsible for hurting her. Watching her so perfect and beautiful with her long, blonde hair all over to one shoulder, I can’t move. She doesn’t see me and quite frankly maybe it’s better that way. Both of my parents are talking to her, trying to calm her, telling her that it was an accident.

  I know as much as I want to avoid telling her what happened, I have to. As quietly as I can, I move towards her. My dad sees me coming and nods his head, like he is proud of me. I get close enough to sit in front of her, not scared of her reaction this time. If she came here, she obviously is ready to see me. On the way down, I grab my dad’s arm.

  As my body descends she looks up at me, not paying attention to anything else except looking deep into my eyes. I smile and once I am at her level, I scoot a little closer, so I can touch and comfort her. She sobs harder, throwing her arms around my neck grabbing my sweatshirt. This is the moment I’ve dreamt of, for damn near close to a year. I never imagined that our dog dying would be what brought us together, but sadly it is.

  She nuzzles into me, the way she always did, and I do the same. Breathing in her sweet scent, the scent of paradise. And for the first time in almost a year, my body awakens, everything inside of me feels alive, including my dick. Fuck, she still has that control over me. I pray that it won’t get too hard. The last thing I want to do is freak her out, but fuck, I’ve missed her so much.

  “I’m so sorry, A,” I whisper, not able to control my lips as they kiss her neck. “I’m sorry for everything.” Sorry for leaving, for showing up at her place the way that I did, and for letting Zeus die.

  She breaks down crying even harder and I just hold her. Wishing that even though we are hurting, this moment would never end. I finally have her in my arms and I don’t want that to ever change. My mom rubs my head and I look back to see my parents walking away. Alone at last.

  Arion look
s at them as well and then rests her forehead against mine. As we sit together like this, I can almost taste her. However, my mind and body are on two different axes, both wanting something totally different. My body wants her so bad. From my hands, to my mouth, to my cock, every bit of me wants to claim her. But my mind is telling me that one wrong move could ruin everything. It could cause her to have another breakdown, or freak out and leave.

  Finally she pulls her head up, her plump lips parted and tear-stained cheeks all yank on my heartstrings.

  “I don’t even know where to start,” she says and pulls away from me.

  “Please don’t do that. Please, A, just stay where you are.”

  She comes back to me, my dick now so hard that I have to put one hand in my lap to cover it.

  “You can ask me anything.”

  “What happened to our baby?” she asks in a broken tone and begins to cry again.

  I tilt my head back and exhale heavily. Then I cup her cheek, to get her to look at me and to my surprise she leans into my touch. “I took him to the dog park, like I have so many other times. You know how good he is, I normally don’t even take a leash. I park close enough and he just runs to the gate to go in. It’s been a way for both of us to get out of the house.” Suddenly, the events all replay in a flash and I have to stop talking. How do I tell her? “I parked and let him out of the car, then before I knew it, he ran off after a squirrel and across the intersection. I tried to get to him, A, I really did, but with my leg and my crutches, I couldn’t. It all happened so fast. By the time, I had him in my arms, he took a few breaths and—”

  I can’t finish the sentence. My throat closes telling her that I’m the reason our dog is dead. Because of me. Both of us break down crying again and in that moment, all we have is each other. I cling to her like my next breath and she does the same.

  I’m not sure how long we sit like this, tears rolling and our bodies just together. After a while, both of us are quiet and I fear what will come next. So I continue the conversation, in hopes that if I keep talking she will stay. I never want her to leave.