Who did he think he was? If someone took away that ball and glove, he'd be just like the rest of us. That shit had gone to his head. If I was being honest, it wasn't the ball and gloves fault. It was every woman that spread her legs and did exactly what he said just so they could say they were with him. It was their fault he acted the way he did. That was why he expected me to stop and run to him. That would never happen. I wasn't that woman. I didn't care about what he did for a living. That meant nothing to me. It was awesome that he was able to do something he loved. Everyone deserved that. I just had more going on in my life than those other women. I had a career and a future to think about. I possibly had something much more important to think about as well.
I put my phone to the side and hurried to shower. Once I was dressed, I was out the door and headed toward the doctor. I'd purposely left my phone at home. Between Carrie, her mom, and Lance messaging me, I was a bit stressed. The two women wished me luck and made me promise to call them. Lance hadn't said anything else, and I wasn't ready for him to either. I had to keep my head on straight for what I was about to face.
When I walked through the door of the office, I could have sworn I'd seen his car drive into the lot. That was how crazy my mind was acting. The man was two hours away. I shook my head and walked up to the desk to get the stack of papers I knew were waiting for me to fill them out.
When the door opened and my name was called, I honestly felt like running out of there. There was so much on my mind. Those next few steps I took were possibly going to change everything I'd made of my life. It was a big deal. Before you say it, I knew walking out of there wouldn't change my status, but at the time I'd felt it would.
The nurse did the whole weight, height, give us a sample thing. Then she put out the tiny article that would cover my body while I was finding out the hugest thing I'd ever find out in my life. When the doctor came in, I felt my entire body go stiff. For a moment I thought I was going to lose the little bit of toast I'd forced myself to eat before leaving my apartment. She sat down on a stool in front of me, and a huge smile covered her face.
“You're going to be a mom,” she said.
For a second my stomach squeezed tight. Then a bit of excitement rolled through me. Before I had time to think, she jumped right into all of her doctor talk. She checked me out everywhere, and I do mean everywhere. I guess it was something I had to get used to anyway. Then she gave me some papers with information. We talked about me getting sick, and I was so relieved when she gave me something for it. She was concerned with me starting vitamins and eating healthy. When she explained how my appointments would go, I wrote them on one of the papers. Then she mentioned that she'd like to do an ultrasound. I felt a little flutter go through me at the thought. I'd thought it was too early, but she said it wasn't.
I was alone on the bed and looking up at the ceiling while I waited for the woman to come in to do the ultrasound. It was real, I thought. I was really going to be a mom. So many feelings were going through me. When the door opened, I looked over at the smiling woman. She got to work quickly. The cold shit on my stomach had me ready to run for the bathroom. I was ready to start crossing my legs. A little warning, I thought. She started moving that magic wand around and stopped when I heard a strange sound.
“What's that?” I asked in a totally freaked out tone.
“That is your baby's heartbeat,” she said.
“Are you serious?” I asked.
“I am,” she said before continuing to play with the wand.
I watched her stop and do something on a machine before moving again. She went on for a few minutes before looking up at me.
“Do you see that?” she asked, as she pointed at something on the screen.
I nodded, as I watched her every move.
“That is your baby,” she said. “Everything looks good so far. We'll do another ultrasound as you get further into your pregnancy. We can't tell the sex or anything yet. You heard the heartbeat, so that was good. I'll print a couple of pictures out in case you want to show the baby's dad or your family.”
I felt like I was going to burst into tears at any moment. I had no family that would care to see the pictures, and I wasn't even sure the baby was going to have a dad. Carrie and her mom would want to see them though. I planned to frame one and put it on my nightstand. My baby had their first picture. I couldn't help but smile. I was having a baby. My body couldn't decide if I should cry or laugh. The woman looked over as she handed me the pictures.
“You're a very lucky woman,” she said.
I nodded my head and thought about what she'd said. She was right. Those were the perfect words at the perfect moment.
I made my next appointment on my way out of the office. Then I got in my car and went straight to the pharmacy to get what the doctor had said I needed. It was still early, so I drove by the flower shop before pulling into the cemetery. I grabbed the flowers and balloons and headed to Brad's grave. I moved around and quickly picked the few tiny weeds that had grown. I grabbed the dead flowers that were there and threw them out before placing the new ones in their place. Then I sat down, leaned back, and looked up at the sky. The cool air and sun felt good on my skin.
“I had the craziest dream. You were in it. It was the first one that wasn't a replay of the day of the accident. I was at a playground with a little girl. She was my daughter. You appeared out of nowhere and watched her play as well. You told me I was going to be a great mom. I love you, Brad. I miss you every single day. I feel horrible that I got pregnant by another man. I promised I'd move on with my life, and I did. I shouldn't have been with someone unprotected. That was a mistake. I was supposed to have a family with you. I will never understand why that asshole was drunk and driving in the middle of the day. I'm so sorry. I never should have asked you to go out that day. I don't let anyone do anything for me now. That will never happen again.”
I sat for a moment before continuing.
“You said in that dream that I should love my baby more than I loved you. It's the craziest thing. I'm not far along at all, but I love this baby more than I thought I could ever love again. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. The dad has a huge life of his own. He doesn't want a family. I've already told you I won't love another man again. You were the one I loved. I can't let someone else in. I don't deserve it. I'm going to tell him. I'm pretty sure he'll hate me, but he has a right to know. I believe every parent should have a chance to be there for their child. What they decide is up to them. I don't know what I want him to decide honestly. He's gone a lot. If he wants to see his child, it will only be when he has time. I'm not sure if that is better than nothing or not. He won't want anyone to know. I'm sure of that. I can't blame him. I knew what I was getting into when I met him.”
I stopped and looked around. There was a bit of a breeze, and it felt good.
“Thank you for coming to my dream. I know it was a sign I needed from you that you wouldn't hate me for having a baby. I'm going to love this baby more than I've ever loved in my life. I'm going to be better than my mom was with me. You were the only one that was ever there for me. I think you know how thankful I was for that. You were there when my parents couldn't be bothered.”
I looked down at his name and then at his flowers.
“My friend Carrie's mom is very good to me. I've been growing closer to her. I've never told anyone about us. I'm thinking she might finally be the one I talk to. I like having her and Carrie. They are the closest thing to family that I have. I know they're going to be there for me through my whole pregnancy. Thank you for sending them to me. You always promised to take care of me, and I know you still are. I love you, Brad.”
I stood and dusted myself off before drying the tears I hadn't realized had slipped down my face. Then I got in my car and headed home. As soon as I got there, I pulled back my covers and crawled into bed. I hadn't slept much the night before, and I was exhausted.
I saw the light on my phone blinking and knew
I had to check it. Carrie and her mom were probably both freaking out on me. There were messages from them both. I called Carrie's mom first. She would be easier to deal with than Carrie. Her mom sounded so happy. I told her about the pictures and hearing the baby's heartbeat. I promised to tell her once I let Lance know. I knew she was going to reach out to him as well, and that was good. He could use her in his life more. I knew I loved having her in mine. She let me know she'd be there no matter what I needed, and I thanked her for everything she'd already done. Just as I was scrolling through my phone, I heard a knock at my door. There was no way I was answering it. Then the knock came again. I was supposed to be at work, so if anyone asked why I hadn't answered, I'd let them know I work during the day. When my phone buzzed, I knew instantly who was knocking. I wasn't ready to face him. There was no way. I had to think it through first.
Lance: Can we talk?
Me: I'm really tired. I'm already in bed. I'll call you later.
Lance: Come on, Firecracker. I have to leave tomorrow. We need to talk.
Me: I'm not fucking you, Lance.
There was another knock before he answered.
Lance: That has nothing to do with it. Is everything okay with you?
Me: Just fine. I'll call you later.
Lance: I'll be at the hotel tonight. Let me know if you want to talk. I'll leave you alone.
Me: Why are you at the hotel?
Lance: I've been there since I came to see you Friday night. Call me. I'm worried about you.
I didn't answer. I was tired of telling him not to worry about me. I didn't want anyone feeling sorry for me for any reason at all. He had better things to worry about than me.
The box Carrie's mom had given me was sitting on my dresser. I'd forgotten all about it. I grabbed it and brought it over to the bed. Then I ripped into it like it was Christmas morning. There was a card on top. It was a congratulations on expecting card. I opened it to find a little note from her.
Lucy,
You're going to be an amazing mom. Please remember you will never be alone in this. No matter what happens between the two of you, he's given you the most precious gift in the world. You will love this baby with all of your heart. Don't be too hard on him. This is new for both of you. I'm just hoping the two of you see what I do before it's too late. I don't know what has happened in your life, but you deserve love no matter if you think you do or not. You're a good person, Lucy. Lance is too. This baby is going to have so much love. You're going to be great. We are here for you. You're one of us now. There's no getting rid of us now. I'm going to have three kids to spoil now. You have no idea how exciting that is for me. You can move here whenever you want if it doesn't work out there. Please remember that too. I love you, Lucy. I'm so happy for you.
Mom
Tears poured down my face. She signed it mom. I couldn't believe it. She would never know how important she was to me. Why my own mom didn't care, I didn't know. It felt good to have someone that actually wanted to know about my life and wanted me around.
When I looked in the box, I laughed. She'd gotten me a pregnancy book and a first year book. Underneath them was the cutest little dress and pink plush puppy. I held that little dog and hugged it tight. She'd gotten two girlie things. I couldn't even remember when, but I'd told her I'd dreamt the baby was girl. I didn't give her the details about Brad though. That was only for me. I looked at the tiny baby clothes and smiled. I was really going to be a mom. I tucked the clothes and puppy deep in my dresser drawer. Then I opened the drawer of my nightstand and put the card in it. There was a picture of Brad and me right there. I lifted it and ran my thumb over his face, and fresh tears began to fall. I put it back, closed the drawer, put the books on top of my dresser with the ones I'd already gotten, and crawled back in bed. I knew my conversation with Carrie would be a long one. I picked up the phone and took a deep breath. She answered right away.
“Tell me the news, Momma,” she said, and we both burst into laughter.
“I'm going to be a mom. Do you think the world is ready for that? I got to hear the baby's heartbeat and have his or her first picture.”
“Do you know what that means?” she asked.
“What?”
“Our kids are only going to be two months apart. Can you believe that?” she asked.
I hadn't thought about that for even a moment.
“You're right. That is very cool. I got something for my stomach and vitamins too. My doctor was pretty cool about it all. I'm really going to be a mom. I can't believe it.”
“Have you heard from big daddy?” she asked.
“Really?”
“I'm just trying to lighten the mood of the question.”
“I did,” I said. “He said he wants to talk. Scott hasn't said anything to him has he? It's really important that I'm the one that tells him.”
“Nope,” she answered. “We've talked about, but he wouldn't dare tell Lance. That is your job when you're ready. You know he's at the hotel, right?”
“I didn't,” I answered. “He told me a tiny bit ago when he was knocking on my door. I told him I was in bed and didn't want to talk.”
“You know he's leaving tomorrow?” she asked.
“Yes,” I said.
“You know he's coming here first?” she asked.
“Shit!” I yelped. “Are you serious? I thought that was later in the week.”
“No,” she said. “Are you going to tell him before he leaves?”
“I don't know. What do you think he'll do?” I asked. Then I spoke again before she even had a moment to answer. “He could think I did it on purpose and be really pissed off.”
“He could be happy,” she said.
“No,” I said, shaking my head even though I knew she couldn't see me. “That is not a possibility. He doesn't want kids or a commitment. We've talked about that before. He doesn't like the women that expect things from him either. He wants to talk, but he has no idea what's coming. When I tell him, he's going to flip and run like the wind. I don't want anything from him.”
“What if he wants to be with you?” she asked.
“That is not happening either. I don't want a relationship any more than he does, Carrie. I'm not hoping to tell him so that he'll want me and take care of me. I don't want anything. The only reason I am telling him is so that he knows he's going to have a child in this world. What he does with that is up to him. It has nothing to do with me. If he wants to be in his child's life, I'll let him. I would never hold my child away from a father that wants to love him or her. I want nothing more than that. I do not want his money or anything else from him.”
“You two are something else,” she said. “Scott told me he offered for you to live in his house. I hope you'll think about it.”
“At this point I want to stay here, but I'll think about it,” I said. “I just have to figure out if I want to tell Lance today or wait until he comes back. Whatever I decide, I will do it in person. This is not something I want him to find out over the phone or through a text. I'm not that big of a bitch.”
“What are you going to do right now?” she asked.
“Take a long nap,” I said. “I didn't get any sleep last night.”
“Are you happy?” she asked.
“I didn't think I would be,” I said. “I was afraid the doctor was going to tell me it wasn't true. That was when I realized that I really did want to be a mom. No matter what, I'm going to love my child more than anyone has ever loved me.”
“Lucy,” Carrie said.
“I'll talk to you later,” I said the moment I realized what I'd said.
I needed to lock that shit up tight. My walls were slipping much too far down for my liking. It was time to put them back in place. I had new goals in life, and they all revolved around the baby growing inside of me. I got up and stood in front of the mirror. My belly was still flat. I could feel it was a bit harder, but it was nothing noticeable. I took a picture like I did the time before and wa
s looking forward to taking many more. Then I got back in bed to try and sleep. My thoughts kept going to Lance and his reaction to the news. I'd gotten used to the thought that we were done having fun. I just wasn't sure what he was going to say about the baby. Part of me wanted him to get pissed and walk away. That was me being selfish. I knew it would be hard to see him and deal with him all the time. He definitely had a huge alpha side, and I wasn't sure I was happy about dealing with that side for the next eighteen years. Another part of me thought only of the baby and the fact that I wanted him or her to have both parents love and care about them.
When I opened my eyes, my room was dark. I looked over at the clock to see it was nine o'clock. I closed my eyes again and then jumped up from the bed. Lance was leaving the next morning. He needed to know. There was no way I wanted him to see Carrie's family without him knowing. If one of them let it slip, it would have been horrible. There was no way he needed to find out he was going to be a dad from one of them. In my mind, I was sure he was going to get pissed and accuse me of something stupid. It wasn't true, but I was ready for it. He'd probably just disappear from my life anyway. It wasn't his problem, and I wasn't trying to make it that way either. I just wanted him to know. Then I'd be on my way, I thought.
I didn't even concern myself with putting makeup on or anything. I pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Then I pulled my hair up on top of my head and brushed my teeth. There was no point in putting in the time to make myself up. All he was going to do was yell at me anyway. I grabbed my keys and the ultrasound picture and took off.
When I pulled into the hotel lot, I reached over to grab my phone to send him a text, but it wasn't there. I was so nervous and worried about grabbing the picture that I'd forgotten my phone. He always stayed in the same room. I remembered him telling me that. I tucked my keys and the picture in my pocket before walking right by the front desk and pushing the number for his floor in the elevator. My entire body was shaking. It had been over two weeks since I'd seen him. I stood in front of his door giving myself a pep talk. All I had to do was tell him and get the hell out of there. I could do it. It needed to be done.
Playing Hardball: Part 3 Page 6