If We're Not Married by Thirty

by Anna Bell

  I clutch at my boobs, trying to preserve what little modesty I can, and attempt to turn towards the window figuring I’d rather the woman saw bum than boob.

  I’m slightly in denial about whose that voice was. I try and pretend that perhaps Danny has a cleaner he hasn’t mentioned, or maybe even a girlfriend, either would be preferable. But that shrill was unmistakeable and I can’t kid who it belonged to. I close my eyes, wishing I could curl up right here and die.

  ‘Mum, could you give us a second,’ says Danny as he finally gets his hands free of my knickers. He retrieves his shirt off the floor and wraps me up in it. It might be covering me up, but it’s white and I have a horrible feeling that it’s see-through and Hazel probably has a pretty good view of my bum still.

  ‘Well, Daniel, if you give me a bloody key you should warn me that you’re going to be performing cunnilingus in your front room for all and sundry to see.’

  Oh dear God. Did Hazel just say the word cunnilingus? I’m closing my eyes really tight just like Olivia used to do when she was a toddler playing hide and seek. I’m going by the same logic that if I can’t see her, then maybe she can’t see me.

  ‘We’re three stories up and we face a lake. No one can see us. And cunnilingus, Mum, really? Are we in a Jilly Cooper novel? Look, can you give us a second so that Lydia can get dressed.’

  ‘Of course I can. Hang on. Lydia? Our Lydia?’

  She pulls at my shoulder and turns me round as if this is perfectly normal and she hasn’t just walked in on a very intimate situation.

  I hastily fold my arms over my chest and wince.

  ‘Lydia,’ she says, seemingly delighted to see me.

  I try and push my lips into a smile, shaking my hair back and pretending that everything is A-OK.

  ‘Hazel,’ I say, as she’s leans forward and gives me a hug.

  ‘What an earth are you doing here?’ she says looking at me as if I’m a big shiny Christmas present that’s arrived a little late. ‘You’re supposed to be at my apartment in Spain. I spoke to you there.’

  ‘Yes, well, I was, but Danny was there too.’

  ‘Was he now?’ she says, turning to him and raising her eyebrows.

  ‘I was going to see Ben in Barcelona for New Year and I thought I’d have a bit of peace and quiet beforehand. I hadn’t realised that Lydia would be there too.’

  ‘What a happy coincidence. So you two,’ she says, pointing between us.

  My cheeks are still burning. It’s quite clear that us two are an us two.

  ‘Hang on,’ she says digging in her handbag.

  I look over at Danny and wiggle my eyebrows at him. ‘Blanket?’ I whisper.

  He shakes his head.

  ‘Cushions?’

  He gives me a don’t-be-stupid look.

  Why don’t men have blankets or bloody cushions? Men always seem to question what use they are, but clearly this situation totally justifies them. When your soon-to-be mother-in-law turns up when you’re getting down and dirty and you need to cover your private parts.

  I turn back to Hazel who has now got her phone out and is calling someone. Oh God. I know instantly who she’s ringing.

  ‘Linda. Linda, you’re not going to believe this. I’m only in Daniel’s house and guess who’s here?’

  The phone spins round to me and I’m suddenly face to face with my mother on FaceTime.

  I can see her scrunching her eyes up. The light’s quite dim in here – you know mood lighting and all that – and I can see she hasn’t got her glasses on.

  ‘Lydia. Is that you?’

  ‘Hi, Mum,’ I say with a pathetic wave.

  Hazel snaps the phone round.

  ‘You’ll never believe what they were up to when I walked in.’

  ‘No, no,’ I say, practically leaping on the phone and snatching it away. ‘That’s enough of that. Mum, I’ll call you back in a bit and explain.’

  ‘But darling . . .’

  ‘I’ll speak to you soon,’ I say, hanging up.

  I hand the phone back to Hazel.

  ‘You can’t do that, Lydia, she’ll be dying. Look, she’s ringing again,’ she says as the phone starts to vibrate noisily. ‘Yes, Linda. I think she’s embarrassed. She’s wearing some cheese-wire knickers.’

  Danny takes control of the situation. He marches his mother, who’s now filling my mother in on what state of undress we were in, and ushers her out of the door, stopping just short of pushing her down the stairs.

  ‘Go and make us a cup of tea. We’ll be down in a minute.’

  Hazel waves as she carries on talking to my mum. There’s all sorts of shrieking going on and I bet they’re planning the wedding already. Ha ha ha – little do they know it’s already all done.

  ‘I need something stronger than a bloody cup of tea,’ I say, as I desperately scramble around picking up my clothes.

  ‘Me too. God, I’m so sorry. She only has a key for emergencies, she’s not actually supposed to use it,’ he says, slipping my bra back on and kissing me gently on the nose. ‘It was always going to be a big thing for them when they found out.’

  ‘But did it have to be when I was wearing next to nothing? And cunnilingus? What type of a word is that?’ I say. ‘There are certain things that parents should never say. It reminds me of the time we were playing Scrabble with my mum and she got a triple-word score with the word fellatio and as if it wasn’t bad enough that she put it on the board, she then proceeded to read the dictionary definition in case Kerry and I didn’t know what it meant.’ I shiver at the memory.

  ‘Well, it could have been worse,’ he says. I can tell that he’s trying not to laugh.

  ‘How? How could it have been worse?’

  ‘You could have been naked.’

  ‘Yes, because that lace thong did a great job of covering up my arse.’

  ‘OK, well, I could have been naked or we could have been doing some of the things we were doing in Spain.’

  I slip my dress back over my head as my cheeks start to burn at the memory of some of our steamier sessions. ‘You’re right, but it doesn’t make it any better.’

  ‘So now we just have to work out what we’re going to tell her. Are we just going to say we’re going to see what happens, or are we going to tell her that we’re getting married next month?’

  ‘Oh my God. Are you serious? I just came up to see if you took sugar.’

  ‘Mother, will you learn to knock? Seriously.’

  ‘You’re getting married? I’ve got to phone Linda back. She’s never going to bloody believe it. She wouldn’t have believed that you were here at all, if she hadn’t seen you with her own eyes.’

  ‘Please, don’t,’ I say, holding my hand up. ‘I wanted to tell her in person. You understand, don’t you? We wanted to tell you in person, too,’ I add, as it sounds like the right thing to say. ‘We were building up to it.’

  ‘So, let me get this straight. You’re together, like actually together. And you’re getting married? Next month?’

  ‘Uh-huh,’ says Danny slipping his fingers through mine and holding my hand. ‘Isn’t that great?’

  Hazel, for the first time since I’ve known her, is speechless and for a second I think that she’s going to have a heart attack. She’s gone all pale and is slightly shaking.

  ‘What’s wrong with her?’ I hiss out of the corner of my mouth at Danny.

  ‘I have no idea. Mum? Mum,’ he says, walking forward as she leaps up and throws her arms out with a shriek.

  ‘You’re getting married. Ah, my darling Lydia,’ she says, wrapping her arms round me and dancing me around the living room. ‘Do you know Linda and I used to joke about you two tying the knot when you were little. And now you are! I can’t wait. I’d always hoped that I’d get on well with Daniel’s wife’s mother, but now I know it’s going to be Linda, it’s perfect. So many of my other friends have trouble with the other mothers – all that competitive grandparenting – but Linda and I will love it. We can
all go on holidays together. Babysit together. I can’t wait.’

  ‘You do know that we’re getting married, not having a baby,’ says Danny.

  ‘Details, schmetails. The two go hand in hand. Besides, carry on like you were doing when I walked in and there’ll be one in no time. So, when are you going to tell Linda? We’ve got so much to sort out. Besides, I tell her everything and this is quite possibly the biggest news I’ve had this year, or even this decade.’

  ‘We hadn’t decided when we’re going to tell her,’ says Danny, and I watch his mum’s face fall.

  ‘Perhaps we should tell her now.’

  ‘What?’ says Danny. ‘I thought you wanted to tell her in person?’

  ‘I did, but can you imagine going through this again?’

  He shakes his head.

  ‘Right, Hazel. Call Mum again.’

  It’s no surprise that my mum answers almost immediately. ‘So,’ she says, ‘I hope you’ve got clothes on now.’

  ‘Hush, Linda,’ says Hazel. ‘They’ve got news.’

  ‘Oh my God, I’m going to be a grandmother,’ she shrieks.

  ‘No, they’re getting married,’ says Hazel, before clapping her hand over her mouth. ‘Sorry, you were supposed to say that.’

  I shrug. I know we hadn’t planned it and this would have been about as far away as anything we would have ever thought of but there’s a tiny little bit of me that’s relieved that it’s all out in the open.

  ‘You’re what?’ She takes a sharp breath and there’s a pause and I’m wondering if the phone’s frozen. ‘That’s so wonderful,’ she says eventually. ‘Tell me all the details. Is it going to be a long engagement? There’ll be so much to sort out.’

  ‘Won’t there? I think they should have the reception in the barn, don’t you?’

  ‘Oh yes, Hazel, it’s so beautiful out there in the summer. That light.’

  ‘Yes, only it’s next month that they’re doing it. Of course, it doesn’t give us much time to practise, but I think I can get the other band members together.’

  ‘Band members?’ I ask, as Danny shakes his head at me as if to say don’t ask.

  ‘Oh yes, hasn’t Daniel mentioned that I’m in a ukulele band?’ she says proudly. ‘Have you still got that one I got you a couple of Christmases ago, Danny? I could give Lydia a little demo. I’m sure she’d be impressed.’

  ‘Ah, Mum, I’m not sure where I left it.’

  She eyes him suspiciously. Like her, I know that look of his. It’s the one he used to use as a child when he’d broken something and hidden it. I imagine the ukulele has either winged its way to the dump or to a charity shop.

  ‘Pity, pity. Right, now, I was getting tea. But I feel as if we should have some champagne or something.’

  ‘There’s a probably a bottle of Prosecco lurking in the fridge, I’ll go and get you some,’ says Danny, leaving me alone with Hazel and my mother. Both have already forgotten that it’s our wedding and are debating the pros and cons of sit-down meals over hog roasts and barbecues.

  I shake my head. This is exactly why eloping would have been the best idea.

  ‘Listen, Mum,’ I say, stealing away the phone. ‘How about you pop round at the weekend and we can chat about it then?’

  ‘I wish I was with you all. I feel as if I’m missing out on a party.’

  ‘Ooh, an engagement party, we should have one of those.’

  ‘Yes, that’s a cracking idea. You phone me when you’re back at yours, Hazel, and we’ll get something sorted.’

  ‘No,’ I say waving my hand. ‘It’s a small wedding. We don’t want a big engagement party. No hen dos. No stag dos,’ I say, trying to lay down some ground rules.

  Both mums look heartbroken. ‘I promise, you’ll be involved though.’

  My mum nods as if pleased with the olive branch.

  ‘I’ll speak to you soon,’ I say, as we say our goodbyes.

  I hand back the phone to Hazel and she takes it, before she grabs my hand and yanks me over to the sofa. ‘Now, Lydia, you have to tell me how this all happened. Do not leave out any details. In fact, yes, leave out details. I feel as if I know too much about your sex life already. Just tell me what happened the times when your clothes have been on.’

  I pause as, to be honest, that’s not been that much.

  ‘Well, Danny came into the apartment in Spain and it was all a bit of a misunderstanding. He didn’t know I was there and we both got a bit of a shock, but then we started chatting and then we kissed,’ I say dreamily, closing my eyes and seeing us back up on that roof terrace under the stars.

  ‘I’m so pleased for you,’ she says, patting my hand. ‘So pleased for both of you.’

  She’s beaming and I’m beaming. It’s not every day that you could be caught in almost your birthday suit by your future mother-in-law and within five minutes be sitting next to each other on the sofa chatting away.

  Yet more proof that this is meant to be.

  Danny comes back into the room carrying a tray with a bottle and three champagne flutes.

  He pops it down on the coffee table and opens the bottle. The cork goes flying across the room and we scramble, laughing, to get the drink into the glass.

  ‘To you two. My lovely son and my new daughter-in-law. I can’t believe that Linda and I are going to be related.’

  Danny and I exchange a look, but we’re both still smiling.

  ‘I probably shouldn’t drink this as I drove over. Unless I call your father.’

  She picks up her phone and walks across the room.

  ‘Brian, you’ll never guess what I just caught our son doing. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yes, with Lydia. Lydia Stoker. Uh-huh, uh-huh. And they’re getting married. Next month. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yes, love. And bring a bottle of fizz,’ she says, hanging up the phone and downing her glass. ‘Your dad’s on his way.

  ‘So, let’s start this wedding planning, then. How are we going to get it all done in a month?’

  ‘Actually, Mum, we’re eloping to Gretna Green. You’re invited, but it’s a really small affair. We don’t want a big fuss.’

  Hazel laughs out loud.

  ‘You’re not joking,’ she says when, visibly shocked, she sees our faces. ‘But you’ll still have me and the band, won’t you?’

  ‘The thing is, Mum, it’s going to be really small. Just immediate family and best friends.’

  ‘Right,’ she says nodding. ‘So, just me on the ukulele, then. I can do a nice little song whilst you sign the register or something. How about that?’

  ‘Perfect,’ I say, smiling, and she beams back at me. It seems like a small concession to make.

  ‘I’ll pick the song,’ she says with a little wink. ‘It’ll be my present to you.’

  ‘Super,’ I say.

  She looks between the two of us, before taking both of our hands in hers.

  ‘You two,’ she says, as if she couldn’t be any happier.

  I don’t know why I was worrying about how they were going to take this. The mums have given us their blessing. If I had any fears that we’d made an impulsive decision in our holiday romance bubble, they’ve well and truly been laid to rest. It seems everyone’s as excited as we are.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I’ve gone all old skool and made you a mix tape. Or a mix CD, to be more accurate. I was inspired by hearing ‘Let Loose’ on the radio the other day. It might be Kerry and Jim’s song, but it always reminds me of you at their wedding when we changed the lyrics – FYI I’m still lazy like you. Still the best wedding I’ve ever been to.

  Parcel containing a CD; Lydia to Danny, September 2015

  My head’s a bit fuzzy when I wake up and it takes a few attempts to sit upright. I blink through a haze, trying to work out where I am, before I take in the grey duvet and realise that I’m in Danny’s bed.

  I roll over to his side and it’s all warm and cosy, but decidedly empty. I’m a little disappointed that he’s already gone to work and that he left without
saying goodbye. It’s the first day in almost a week that I’ve woken up without him, and it’s just a teaser of what it’s going to be like whilst we do long distance for the next few months.

  Just as I’m holding a private pity party, the bedroom door swings open and Danny walks in carrying a large tray. He’s already dressed in smart jeans and a dark checked shirt.

  ‘So, I made you some breakfast and some tea. I wasn’t too sure what you had on your toast so I’ve brought some marmite, raspberry jam and marmalade.’

  I can’t believe that he eats not one but two of the spreads I hate – marmalade and marmite. I’m actually more of a Nutella girl myself, but he still gets bonus points for bringing me breakfast in bed in the first place.

  ‘Thanks, that’s really sweet of you. Raspberry jam is just fine,’ I say, ignoring the others.

  ‘Great. So I’ll be home about half two and then I’ll run you to the station later in the afternoon. If you want to go for a walk into town this morning, you just hang left at the bottom of the hill and follow the shops. Here’s a key.’

  ‘Thanks, don’t look so worried. I’ll be fine. My sense of direction isn’t that bad and I’ve got my phone.’

  ‘OK, and you can always ring me. Or my mum. She’s got to pop round at some point to pick up her car anyway, I’m sure she’d be happy to go for a coffee.’

  ‘At least this time I’d have my clothes on,’ I say, cringing at the memory of last night. I wonder how long it’s going to take me to be able to think about it without doing a full-on body shudder of embarrassment.

  Danny leans over, laughing, and gives me a big fat kiss on the lips. ‘I’d better run, Gaz is picking me up from the end of the road. Be good, and try not to do too much snooping,’ he says as he walks out of the door.

  ‘Ooh, there are things for me to find, are there?’ I say, raising a cheeky eyebrow. His whole face falls. ‘See you later on.’

  He hesitates before he gives me a wave and disappears out the door. I hear the car pull away and I look around the room realising how content I feel.

  I spread jam on my toast and munch away, flicking on the telly and watching the news.