If We're Not Married by Thirty

by Anna Bell

  ‘Right, does everyone have enough drink?’ asks Kerry as she goes round with a pitcher of cocktails that she’s made, topping everyone up anyway.

  ‘OK, I’ll start,’ says Lucy. ‘I have never flown in an aeroplane.’

  There’s a collective groan as we all drink, well, all of us except Hazel.

  ‘Mum, you’ve been on a plane,’ says Stuart, tutting.

  ‘What, I drink if I have done it?’ she says, wrinkling her eyes up.

  ‘That’s how the game works,’ says Lucy nodding. ‘If you agree with the statement and you have never done whatever it is, you don’t drink, but you do if you have.’

  ‘Right, gotcha,’ says Hazel. ‘This is rather fun, isn’t it?’

  ‘Ssh, Hazel, time to concentrate,’ says Mum. ‘I’m confused enough as it is without missing bits.’

  ‘I have never had a threesome,’ says Kerry.

  I look nervously over at Danny but to my relief he doesn’t drink, but there are gasps around the room as someone is drinking. I almost drop my drink in shock when I see it’s my mum.

  ‘Oh Jesus, Kerry, of all the questions to ask,’ I mutter.

  ‘I didn’t expect her to have done that. Mum, are you sure that you understand the game?’

  ‘Or the question? Perhaps threesome meant something different when you were young.’

  Hazel snorts with laughter.

  ‘I know how the game works and girls, don’t forget, my teenage years were in the Sixties. They didn’t call it the Swinging Sixties for nothing.’

  Kerry and I look at each other in horror before drinking. We need something to numb us after that revelation.

  ‘I have never played Never Have I Ever,’ says Caroline sailing us back into safer territory and insuring that we all drink.

  ‘I have never flashed anyone,’ says Stuart.

  We all drink again and I start to relax a little, mainly as I think I’m getting very drunk very quickly.

  ‘I’ve never been skinny dipping,’ says Victoria as Danny laughs before he drinks. She picks up her glass too and smiles. I flash a look at Gaz to see if he’s noticed, but he’s laughing along as Rob and Caroline drink too.

  Perhaps I’m reading too much into it; it’s not as if it’s uncommon to go skinny dipping, perhaps the in joke is that they both talked once about doing it. Or perhaps it’s further proof that she knows things about Danny that I don’t. Or even worse that they did it together in Spain?

  ‘Hey, you need to drink too,’ say Caroline nudging me. ‘You came skinny dipping with us that time in Greece.’

  ‘Oh shit, yeah,’ I say drinking.

  ‘My turn?’ asks Danny. ‘I have never gone commando.’

  All the boys, Hazel and Lucy drink.

  ‘What? It makes going to work a whole lot more interesting,’ says Lucy.

  ‘Eww,’ I say pulling a face. My big knickers are firmly staying put during work hours, in fact, most hours if Danny isn’t around.

  ‘Mum,’ groan Danny and Stuart.

  ‘What? There’s no way I’m wearing a thong at my age and just because I’m old does not mean I want a VPL.’

  My mum nods and chinks Hazel’s glass and they both drink.

  ‘I have never kissed anyone of the same sex,’ says Rob with a twinkle in his eye.

  He and Caroline drink, and Lucy and I raise eyebrows in her direction.

  ‘At uni, no closet confessions from me, I’m afraid,’ she says, blushing.

  ‘I have never done the walk of shame,’ says Gaz.

  All of us but Kerry drink.

  ‘Come on, Kerry, you must have done,’ says Lucy. ‘How have you missed out on that?’

  ‘That’s what happens when you marry your childhood sweetheart.’

  ‘Ah, that’s so sweet,’ says Victoria, cocking her head. ‘Your turn, Lydia.’

  ‘I have never locked myself out of a hotel room naked,’ I say, grinning at Danny.

  ‘That’s mean,’ he says drinking.

  Stuart drinks too and we all laugh.

  ‘I couldn’t find the loo,’ he says shrugging.

  ‘That’s what happened to me,’ says Danny.

  ‘Family trait,’ say Kerry and Lucy laughing.

  ‘I have never fallen on my arse whilst pole dancing,’ says Lucy.

  Lucy, Caroline and I all drink.

  ‘Caroline’s hen do,’ I say to the raised eyebrows.

  ‘That’s a shame, I thought you might have had a hidden talent,’ says Danny.

  ‘I have a feeling that my pole dancing is on a par with your flamenco.’

  ‘Shame,’ he says, shaking his head.

  ‘OK, let’s see if I’ve got this right. I have never performed burlesque,’ says my mum. And her and Hazel drink between their giggles.

  ‘I have never been to G-A-Y,’ says Hazel, and only her and mum drink again.

  We all look at them.

  ‘What? We were up in London for a night out and we met these lovely young men who were going and we went with them. It was such fun,’ says Mum.

  ‘And everyone thought we were in fancy dress, they thought we were doing Edwina and Patsy in Ab Fab.’

  I really hope that Lucy and I act like them when we’re in our sixties.

  ‘I have never been to Harrods,’ says Kerry.

  ‘I have never been to Tescos,’ says Caroline.

  ‘I have never been to the Malvern Hills,’ says Stuart.

  We all drink to all of them and I can feel the room starting to spin slightly as the cocktail starts to go to my head.

  ‘I have never lied to someone I love,’ says Victoria looking at me.

  I don’t know how she found out about my job, but I’m sure she knows.

  ‘Oh, that’s not in the spirit of the game,’ says Kerry. ‘Everyone’s lied to someone they love at some point.’

  ‘Then we should all drink,’ says Victoria, putting her nice voice on. We all drink a little uneasily.

  ‘I have never crossed a road,’ says Danny, choosing us a safe topic.

  ‘I have never eaten chocolate,’ says Gaz.

  ‘I have never drunk alcohol,’ I say.

  ‘I have never kissed either the bride or groom,’ says Lucy.

  I look over at Danny and I smile as I drink, before I notice that Danny and I aren’t the only ones to raise our glasses. Both Victoria and Stuart drink too, and I suddenly feel nauseous.

  I stare at Gaz and he’s laughing. ‘I still find it funny that I stole Victoria off you,’ he says.

  ‘You didn’t steal me off him,’ says Victoria, putting down her tonic water. ‘I chose you.’

  I notice there’s a hint of bitterness in her voice, and I can’t help thinking that she wishes she’d chosen differently.

  Gaz shrugs and drinks anyway.

  I’m not overly happy to hear that Victoria and Danny locked lips once before, but I’m hoping that with everyone looking at them they didn’t notice Stuart’s admission. All I need is for Kerry to come out with something quick so that we can forget about it.

  ‘Hang on,’ says Victoria. ‘Stuart drank too.’

  Everyone turns to look at him and I watch as Danny’s face begins to fall as he realises that means he’s kissed me.

  ‘Don’t look so worried, bro, it was years ago,’ says Stuart. ‘Back at Kerry’s wedding.’

  I close my eyes. Why couldn’t he have just said that it was years ago and I could have pretended it was long before Danny and I had our kiss?

  ‘You kissed each other at Kerry’s wedding?’ he says slowly.

  ‘I didn’t know that,’ says Kerry, trying to laugh it off. ‘Right, I have never played Monopoly.’

  Everyone drinks but Danny.

  ‘Come on, Dan, you’ve played Monopoly,’ says Gaz, but he still doesn’t drink.

  ‘I want to know when you kissed Lydia,’ he says.

  ‘I told you,’ says Stuart. ‘At Kerry and Jim’s wedding.’

  ‘Before or after you kissed me?
’ he says, looking at me for the first time. ‘Before or after you made the pact to marry me?’

  Stuart looks between us.

  ‘You kissed at the wedding too? Is that where you disappeared to? We were outside and I went to get us a drink from the bar and then when I came back you’d gone.’

  My heart sinks as I watch as the hurt creeps into Danny’s eyes.

  ‘I can explain,’ I say weakly.

  Danny gets up and storms towards the door of the cottage. If it was any other time I would have laughed at how ridiculous he looked storming off dressed like a princess. But now’s not the time for laughter.

  ‘Dan, it was years ago,’ says Stuart.

  ‘Dan,’ calls Gaz as he walks out.

  ‘Oh Lydia,’ says Hazel in a way so sympathetic that it makes me want to cry. Everyone else turns to look at me. I know they want an explanation, but I have to go.

  ‘Danny,’ I call, as I run after him.

  ‘How could you, Lydia? He’s my brother,’ he says, yanking off his wig.

  ‘It was a drunken kiss that didn’t mean anything.’

  ‘You were waiting for him when I found you. He was your first choice.’

  ‘What? No, no. I didn’t know what was going to happen with us. I didn’t know we were going to get together, I never expected you to kiss me.’

  ‘Oh, right. That makes me feel so much better. I was second best,’ he says, shaking his head. ‘Do you have any idea what that feels like?’

  ‘Actually, I think I do. I mean, isn’t that what I am? Isn’t that why you’ve picked now to get together with me?’

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘Victoria. You’re in love with her. It’s all started to make sense. All those jokes about you being the third wheel in their marriage. Not to mention the way she is with you. Those in jokes. Your little trip to Spain together. She has a key to your house and she phones you all the time. Gaz was right, wasn’t he? She’s having an affair – and it’s with you.’

  Danny holds his hands up by his face as he shakes his head.

  ‘Is that what you think I’m capable of? You think I could do that to my best friend? That I could ruin his marriage? Things with Victoria, it’s . . .’

  ‘Complicated. Yes, you’ve told me, but I’m not imagining the way that Victoria is with you.’

  He sighs loudly.

  ‘Victoria’s having doubts about her marriage. She and Gaz have been having problems and she’s pregnant and full of hormones, she doesn’t know what she’s thinking.’

  ‘But she thinks she’s in love with you? Doesn’t she? That’s why it’s so complicated?’

  Danny nods slowly.

  ‘And something happened between you.’

  ‘There was a kiss,’ he says eventually.

  ‘Oh, so a minute ago you were shouting at me that I’d think that of you and now you’re saying that I’m right.’

  ‘No, you’re twisting things. Victoria kissed me, it was a mistake and I never kissed her back. I told her then what I’m telling you now: that we’re friends, nothing more. She doesn’t even love me, not really. Maybe as a friend, but that’s it. It’s just that I’m a shoulder to cry on, and she’s confused. You know, Lydia, I just can’t believe you’d think that I think you’re second best after everything that’s happened between us,’ he says. ‘Our time in Spain, the proposal. All of it, it was all real.’

  ‘Exactly,’ I say, ‘and that’s why Stuart is so irrelevant.’

  His face clouds like thunder again.

  ‘Don’t you get it, Lydia? You never told me. You were never honest with me about that night. You weren’t honest with me about where you lived and it makes me wonder what else you’ve been lying to me about.’

  I shift uncomfortably on the spot.

  ‘How about your promotion at work?’ he says, staring right into my eyes.

  I let out a pathetic whimper.

  ‘I was going to tell you about that.’

  ‘When exactly were you going to tell me that you’d accepted a promotion rather than handed in your notice? When we got married in a couple of weeks and I expected to carry you over the threshold, only for you to turn around and say, “sorry, I’ve got to get back home to Portsmouth as I’m not actually moving in with you”?’

  ‘It’s not as if I’m not going to leave. I’m going to move up to be with you. I’m giving up my whole life to be with you – just not yet. I’ve waited and waited for this promotion and it’s so good for my career. I just wanted to do it for a few months to get the experience on my CV, and I thought it would be easier to get another job if I was in a job already.’

  ‘Then why didn’t you just tell me that?’

  ‘Because you were so excited about me moving and because I was worried that you’d be mad or that you wouldn’t want to do long distance for all those months.’

  ‘Fucking hell, Lydia. We were getting married. If I couldn’t have waited a few months for you then we really shouldn’t have been bothering at all.’

  ‘We were getting married?’ I say, the words sticking in my throat, a pain burning in my chest.

  ‘We were, Lydia. We’re not now. How can I possibly marry you when I don’t trust you?’

  ‘You’re making it sound as if I’ve got some massive problem with lying. I didn’t tell you about Stuart at the time as I’d been relieved when you’d found me and you stopped me from doing anything silly. And our kiss we had then was so unexpected. I’d fancied you for years and I never in my wildest dreams thought that you might possibly kiss me. And as to why I didn’t mention that since we’ve been together, it’s not really the kind of thing you want to bring up, is it? “By the way, I once drunkenly snogged your brother.” ’

  ‘And then there’s where I live. I was embarrassed, OK? You have always been successful with your swanky flats and your high-flying career and now your business. I could only imagine what my place in Kerry’s basement would look like to you. How at thirty I’d found myself living in that situation.

  ‘And as for my job, I honestly have never been so torn in all my life. I want to give up everything to be with you, I do, but I just need to do this for myself first. For my future, for our future.’

  He takes a deep breath and I’m wondering if I’ve got through to him.

  ‘We’re not going to have a future,’ he says, the hurt audible in his voice. ‘If you knew me at all, you’d know how ridiculous all that just sounded.’

  He storms off down the road and I do nothing but watch him go. I keep hoping that he’ll come to his senses and will come back and tell me that he doesn’t mean any of it. But he doesn’t.

  I don’t know how long it is before Lucy slips her arm around me. ‘Are you OK? Where’s Danny?’

  ‘He’s gone. The wedding’s off,’ I say, as the tears start to fall.

  ‘Come on, he’s just drunk. It’ll all blow over,’ she says, turning me back towards the cottage. I don’t have the mental energy to correct her.

  Naturally everyone’s talking about us when I walk back in with Lucy and the voices immediately go quiet.

  Lucy guides me back to the sofa and Kerry thrusts a glass of water into my hand as she sits down next to me.

  ‘Lydia, I’m so sorry,’ says Stuart. ‘I’d never have admitted to it if I’d realised it was such a big deal.’

  ‘It’s not your fault,’ I say shaking my head.

  ‘I’m sure Daniel just needs to sleep it off,’ says Hazel.

  I nod, but I know that he doesn’t. He looks devastated.

  ‘Where’s he now?’ asks Victoria.

  ‘He stormed off towards the main road.’

  ‘I’ll go after him in the car,’ she says picking up the keys. ‘He’s far too drunk to be walking out there alone.’

  ‘Of course you will,’ I mutter under my breath, but she ignores me and carries on walking.

  ‘I’ll come with you,’ says Gaz.

  ‘And me,’ says Hazel. ‘I can�
��t help worrying about him.’

  Stuart looks at us nervously.

  ‘I’ll go and wait in our cottage in case he comes back,’ he says, excusing himself and leaving me with my friends and mum.

  ‘I’ve fucked everything up,’ I say, shaking my head.

  I don’t often swear in front of my mum, but then again I don’t often break up with a man I’m about to marry.

  ‘He was the best thing to have happened to me in a long time and I fucked it all up.’

  ‘It was over ten years ago,’ says Kerry. ‘He’ll get over it.’

  ‘It wasn’t just that, I accused him of having an affair with Victoria.’

  ‘What?’ they all gasp.

  ‘It all seemed to make sense. They’d gone to Spain alone together. She has a key to his flat. And Gaz thought she was having an affair with someone. Ross made me think the other day that it was weird that we were getting married so quickly and that Danny had to have a reason. This seemed to fit.’

  ‘And what did Danny say?’

  ‘He said’, I say, looking up at the door to make sure that it’s properly closed, ‘that they kissed and that Victoria thinks she’s in love with him.’

  ‘Shit,’ says Lucy. ‘I take it Gaz doesn’t know.’

  ‘No, apparently Danny’s been trying to convince her otherwise. He thinks she’s just unhappy in her marriage and it’s not really about him.’

  ‘Blimey, that’s big.’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘But still, it’s hardly reason to call off the wedding,’ says Lucy.

  ‘There’s more. I didn’t actually hand in my notice at work. In fact, I accepted a promotion.’

  ‘What?’ says Kerry.

  ‘You were going to leave?’ says Caroline.

  I turn to her. ‘I was supposed to move up to the Lake District after the wedding, and after I got the promotion I was going to postpone the move for a few months. I haven’t told you yet as I was so honoured that you’d asked me to be godmother and I was worried you’d be mad that I was moving.’

  ‘I’m pretty sure that you can still be a godparent if you live outside the county boundary, you know,’ she says.