If We're Not Married by Thirty

by Anna Bell

After what turned out to be a successful awards ceremony last night I crawled into bed exhausted and I thought I’d reward myself with staying in bed all day and moping about the mess my life is in.

  The knocking on the door stops and I feel relieved as the tears are prickling behind my eyes. I’m just about to indulge them and let them flow freely when the door at the top of the stairs to Kerry’s house opens.

  ‘Lydia, darling,’ calls Mum as she walks down the stairs.

  I groan.

  ‘Come on, love,’ she says as she sits on my bed. ‘Get in the shower and let’s get going.’

  ‘I don’t need to go shopping anymore. The wedding’s off, remember?’

  My mum strokes my hair and gives me a sad smile.

  ‘I know, sweetie, and I’m sorry. But that’s all the more reason to get out of bed. Wallowing about in self-pity isn’t going to do you any good.’

  ‘Wanna bet?’

  ‘Come on, when your father left me, did you see me hanging around the lounge in my pyjamas all day?’

  ‘No,’ I say casting my mind back.

  ‘Of course you didn’t. We used to go out and about and keep busy, which is exactly what we’re going to do with you. Let’s go shopping. A little bit of retail therapy never hurt anyone.’

  ‘I don’t know, I’d rather just binge-watch Netflix and eat ice cream. It works for people in the movies.’

  ‘Come on, let’s go out for ice cream in real life instead.’

  ‘You’re not going to leave me in peace, are you?’

  ‘No,’ she says shaking her head.

  ‘Fine, then,’ I say, stomping out of bed and towards the shower.

  *

  ‘I don’t understand why you drove us all the way to Southampton.’

  ‘I just thought we needed a bit of a change of scene,’ she says.

  We walk out of the car park and into the giant John Lewis and the bright lights startle my eyes.

  ‘Where shall we go first?’

  ‘Well, not the evening-dress section,’ I say, looking over at the long dresses and being reminded of our shopping expedition a week ago, when I was still looking forward to my wedding.

  My mum links her arm through mine and starts walking with purpose into the ladies-wear section, but I can’t feign interest in any of the clothes that she points out to me. This was a terrible idea.

  ‘How about home-wears? You could buy a new duvet set; it’s amazing how a new set of bed sheets can change your outlook.’

  ‘Great idea, I can buy a duvet to go on the new bed I’m going to have to buy when I have to move house next month.’

  ‘OK, so home-wear is out. What about going to look for something for Olivia for her birthday? We could check out the toy department.’

  ‘Her birthday’s not for another month.’

  ‘Never too early to start shopping for that girl.’

  I nod, guessing that there’s a lot to depress me up there.

  ‘Oh, look at this,’ says Mum as she looks at the dogs that walk along and flip over. I used to have one when I was younger, but this one is a little less rigid in its movements. ‘You used to have one of these.’

  ‘I did. I don’t think Olivia would like it, though, I don’t think it would do enough for her.’

  ‘No, probably not.’

  I sigh loudly and stop at the Sylvanian Families wedding scene.

  ‘Oh love. Come on, let’s go and find some ice cream.’

  My mum practically has to drag me out of the shop before I start to break down.

  ‘Perhaps you were right, this was a terrible idea. Would you rather go to the cinema and cry into your popcorn?’ she says as we leave the store and go into the busy shopping centre.

  ‘No, I think if I’m going to start crying I’d get myself chucked out for making too much noise,’ I say trying to laugh a little.

  ‘Then ice cream it is, there’s a nice little shop out on the old high street,’ she says.

  ‘That sounds great. Oh look,’ I say, pointing at a man who’s standing outside a shop with a young woman. He’s holding lots of shopping bags. ‘Is that Keith and his daughter?’

  ‘Oh,’ says my mum. ‘I won’t bother them; they look as if they’re on a mission.’

  ‘They’re just standing there. Keith, hi,’ I say as I walk up to him. ‘And you must be one of his daughters. Are you Suzanne, Keeley or Nadia?’

  ‘Suzanne,’ says the woman looking at me as if I’m mad. ‘And you are?’

  ‘Oh, I’m Lydia, Linda’s daughter.’

  I turn to point to my mum, thinking she’ll have followed me over, but she’s standing stock still where I left her, her face ashen.

  ‘Dad, who is this woman and who’s Linda?’

  Keith looks as pale as Mum and I’m desperately trying to work out what’s going on, when an older woman walks up and takes Keith’s hand and it all suddenly fits into place.

  ‘There, got it,’ she says to Keith and Suzanne, before she turns to me. ‘Hello.’

  ‘Hi,’ is about all I can manage. I turn around and look at my mum again and she’s still frozen to the spot.

  Keith coughs. ‘Let’s be going, then,’ he says, taking his daughter by the elbow.

  ‘Dad, who was she?’

  ‘Just the daughter of an old work colleague,’ he says as he walks away with his family.

  I turn and walk back over to Mum.

  ‘Keith’s married,’ I say.

  She nods and now it’s her who’s blinking back the tears.

  ‘Do you want to come home and binge-watch Netflix and eat ice cream?’

  She nods again and this time it’s me that’s leading her away before she bursts into tears.

  *

  An hour later and we’re sitting on my sofa clutching a bowl of cold ice cream each. Neither of us has spoken about what I saw at the shopping centre. Mum is still just as pale as she was then.

  I don’t put the TV on and we sit there in silence until I hear my mum let out a big sigh.

  ‘I’m so embarrassed that you had to find out. I’m so ashamed.’

  ‘I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. You and Keith not wanting to move in with each other. Him not coming for Christmas. All the signs were there.’

  She nods.

  ‘You’ve been having an affair for years and his family have never twigged.’

  She shakes her head.

  ‘Have you ever asked him to leave her?’

  ‘Never.’ She puts her bowl down on the table and turns to me. ‘It’s not like that with Keith and me. I love spending time with him and he’s a great companion, but I don’t want him to live with me. One of the things that attracted me to him is the fact that I can’t have him.’

  ‘That doesn’t make any sense,’ I say, still so confused about everything.

  ‘When I split up with your father, I was lost for a long time. Do you remember how I used to take you to Hazel’s all the time and we’d spend weekends with the family?’

  I nod. How could I forget?

  ‘We had to go there as I couldn’t cope. I’d been with your dad for so long and I couldn’t remember who I was on my own anymore. I’d forgotten who I’d wanted to be.

  ‘Hazel and Brian helped me get over your dad and reminded me how to have fun. They even helped me to get a job. I vowed then that I’d never lose myself again. That’s why I didn’t really date as I wasn’t really interested. I didn’t want another man to take over in my life the way I’d let your father.

  ‘And then I met Keith through work and we’d flirt a lot and I enjoyed it. I knew it was harmless as I couldn’t have him. And then one day we went out for coffee and I guess the affair started from there. It was like the best of both worlds for me. I got to have an occasional man friend but I got to keep my life too.’

  I screw up my face as I try and come to terms with what she’s said.

  ‘But what about his wife? His family? What about hurting them?’

  ‘To
be honest I don’t really think of them at all. I’ve tried to pretend that we have these separate lives and that he’s just like me. I’ve not seen his wife before, I’ve never even seen a photo of her. I’ve never wanted to. It’s not as if I didn’t know she existed, but it makes it easier to pretend that she’s not a real person, that they’re not a real family. God, I sound like such an awful person.’ She stops talking and pushes her ice cream round the bowl. ‘I don’t think I can pretend anymore. Seeing them, a happy family, I know that it’s not right.’

  ‘Don’t you think you’re selling yourself short? Not every man you meet is going to take away your identity. Not if you’re with the right man.’

  ‘I know, I’m sure they wouldn’t, but I really was happy with it, a relationship and my independence.’

  We sit there in silence once more, the ice cream melting, neither of us in a hurry to eat it.

  ‘I’m sorry that you had to find out this way. I’m mortified.’

  I take mum’s hand.

  ‘That must have been a really hard thing to see. Did you think that they were miserable in their marriage?’

  ‘Keith and I never talked about it. I just assumed that it was a loveless marriage, but maybe I’ve had that all wrong. Not that it matters. I’ll have to end it now that I’ve seen them all. I can’t be the one who breaks up a family.’

  I squeeze Mum’s hand tighter.

  ‘Are you going to be OK?’

  ‘I’ll be fine, darling. I know since your father left me that I’m stronger than that. Plus, this time round I’m happy just being me. I’ll put the kettle on, shall I?’

  She gets up and goes over to the kitchenette and I’m left struggling to process what went on.

  My mum’s been seeing an unavailable man because she didn’t want to give up her life for a relationship and yet there was me doing the exact opposite. I was willing to give up my whole life for love, and as soon as I took that promotion I realised I couldn’t go through with it.

  I watch Mum making the tea and see she’s pulled herself together already. Her words play over and over in my mind. I’m just happy being me. It’s started to resonate with me as I’ve realised what’s been the problem. I haven’t been happy being me, but instead of fixing me and trying to be happy on my own I jumped at the chance of giving someone else the responsibility for making me happy.

  My hands are shaking as I put my ice cream bowl down on the table. I might have lost Danny, but I can at least try to sort out the mess my life has got into. I can ace the probation period and get my promotion and I can find somewhere to live. At least that would be a step in the right direction.

  ‘Are you all right, love?’ says Mum, as she pops a steaming cup of hot tea down on the table.

  ‘No, I don’t think so. But I will be.’

  I remember what my mum was like before my dad left. She was meek and mild and she didn’t really seem to have an opinion about anything. I didn’t really understand it then, but as I look back now I realise she did change and she blossomed – she really did become herself.

  I’ve spent my whole life thinking that something was missing, that I needed something to complete me, but I’ve had it all wrong. I’ve got to make myself happy, and right now that means rebuilding my own life.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  My job is so surreal. Yesterday we had a conference for Heritage suppliers and I spent the day having to dodge an over-enthusiastic knight in a full suit of armour (luckily it was pretty noisy and I soon learnt to hide when I heard him clanking in my direction) and tonight I was working a party for your old firm. It was funny to think that if you’d never left London all those years ago you might have been at it.

  Email; Lydia to Danny, October 2018

  My mind is buzzing with ideas of how to sort my life out as I walk into work the next day. I need to sparkle in my job, which means making sure that my next events go more smoothly than Wednesday’s. No more moping and feeling sorry for myself. That means when I’m at my desk I need to mean business. And it doesn’t stop with work, I’ve lined up two viewings for flats tonight – it’s time I stood on my own two feet.

  Helen’s back at her desk and she smiles at me when I sit down.

  ‘Morning.’

  ‘Morning,’ I parrot back. I wish that I could say that she looked brighter today but her eyes are black rimmed and puffy. There’s definitely something not right there and I don’t know if I can ask her what it is.

  ‘We had an email from the Family First team. They said that they were thrilled that the event went so well.’

  ‘That’s good to know,’ I say, sighing with relief.

  ‘Yeah, happy clients are always good. Did it go OK? It’s just I was worried as Jenny was a bit funny about it when I asked her yesterday.’

  I hesitate, wondering if I should tell her what happened. She doesn’t look as if she’s in the best place but if she did mix up two nights, then there’s potential for another event going wrong.

  ‘Well . . .’ I say sitting down and taking a deep breath. ‘It all went OK in the end, but there were a few things that weren’t quite right. Or at least I don’t think they were right. The venue was all set up like some kind of burlesque night – all black and purple. And then the Allbrite ladies turned up with dominatrix outfits. And the vodka luge was a pair of boobs.’

  ‘What?’ she says, gasping. ‘That’s not what was supposed to be there. All that stuff’s for the Hotshots event next month. Oh, shit,’ she says, picking up the file that’s sitting on top of my desk and flicking it open. ‘I don’t know how I did it, but I’ve mixed the two events up. Shit, shit, shit. I’ve got a hundred and fifty men coming and they’re going to be met with pink balloons and fully clothed silver-service waiting staff. Oh, Lydia. I’m so sorry.’

  ‘It’s fine, I coped,’ I say, laughing at the memory of it.

  Helen starts to well up. ‘I’m so sorry, I just can’t.’

  ‘Everyone has an off moment, Helen. But is it something more than that? Are you OK?’ I whisper. ‘It’s just with what happened at the Christmas event and now this. It’s so not like you.’

  She nods along and dabs at her eyes, stopping a tear from ruining her mascara.

  ‘My mum’s got cancer. She was diagnosed a couple of months ago and we all thought it was going to be OK, but it looks like it’s got worse.’

  ‘Oh, Helen,’ I say leaning over and giving her a hug. ‘You poor thing. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.’

  ‘I don’t know what to do. Mum needs to be cared for more and more and I’m already going there before and after work, and I’ve been trying to pop in on my lunch breaks, but she needs someone to be there all the time. My sister can’t do it as she’s got little kids and the nurses only pop in now and then. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t quit as I need to pay the mortgage.’

  ‘We’ll get something sorted. You’ve got to speak to Tracey.’

  She nods her head. ‘I didn’t want it to affect my job, but it looks like it has anyway.’

  ‘Come on,’ I say standing up and leading her over to Tracey’s office. I tap lightly on the door and she waves us in as she ends her phone conversation.

  ‘Ladies, what can I do for you? Helen, are you OK?’

  I keep holding Helen’s hand and give her a little nod as she begins to explain what she just told me.

  ‘Of course I understand that you need to take some time off. I’m sure you’ve got some holiday and overtime that need to be used up, for starters. Now, this must be stressful for you. Have you seen a doctor?’

  ‘No, I don’t need to see one. I’m not the one who’s ill.’

  ‘Helen,’ she says gently. ‘I think a doctor would be a good idea. I’m sure he’ll see how much everything is affecting your health and how you’re unable to work in this state.’

  ‘Perhaps he’ll give you a doctor’s note,’ I say reading between the lines.

  ‘Yes, and then once you have y
our note signing you off work, we can go to HR with it,’ says Tracey.

  Helen nods as it finally dawns on her what Tracey’s getting at. She then starts to sob and I put my arm around her for a hug.

  ‘Thank you,’ she says finally. ‘I’ll get my notes together and make sure that all my work’s up to date.’

  Tracey smiles. ‘It’s important for you to spend this time with your mum.’

  ‘I can also make sure that I’m always contactable,’ says Helen.

  Tracey waves her hand. ‘Don’t worry about us, we’ll be fine. Hand over your immediate work to Lydia and then we’ll sort out the rest.’

  Helen gets up and I can see the relief that’s etched all over her face.

  ‘Thank you, both of you,’ she says as she leaves, her shoulders obviously that much lighter.

  ‘I’ve been trying to work out for a while what’s been going on with her,’ says Tracey when it’s just the two of us. ‘Do you know she was drunk at the last Christmas party?’

  ‘Was she?’ I say, not doing a very good job of hiding the fact that I know, and Tracey raises an eyebrow – I’m fooling no one.

  ‘Very out of character, but now it makes sense. Poor thing. I guess this leaves you in a bit of an awkward position as you’ve only just been promoted and now your workload is going to increase even more.’

  ‘It’ll be fine,’ I say. ‘I’m sure Helen’s upcoming events will be meticulously planned.’

  I try and ignore thoughts of Wednesday’s mix-up.

  ‘It’s too much for one person, that’s why we promoted you. I’ll get involved with the planning and we’ll see if we can get a freelancer to help run the events on the night. I know Roni who used to work here has her own business now, I wonder if she might be interested in working with us for a few months.’

  I think back to Rob’s Christmas party and I think she’d like that.

  ‘The feedback from the client for the Family First event was that it went very well. And I heard from Fred and Jenny what happened. You did a fine job sorting it all out. I’m just sorry that we didn’t promote you sooner.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I say thinking how much that means to me.

  ‘It looks as if you’re well on the way to making this promotion permanent.’