If We're Not Married by Thirty

by Anna Bell

  ‘Are you not off hen dos for life after last weekend?’

  ‘As long as Ed doesn’t come we should be fine,’ I say with a wink.

  The taxi beeps again and Ed sticks his head out the window.

  ‘Lucy, come on, we’re going to be late.’

  ‘OK,’ she says hugging me again. ‘Let me know how it goes.’

  ‘You too,’ I shout as she runs off.

  I watch Lucy heading off for her happy ever after and it spurs me on to get inside to get myself sorted. It’s time for me to get mine.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Merry Christmas! Thank you so much for my present. It was exactly what I needed. For the first year ever I’ve been feeling a bit bah-humbug. Maybe it’s working all the Christmas parties or maybe it’s just that life isn’t working out how I’d planned it – that lucky rabbit foot doesn’t seem to be working its magic. Yet who knew it would take seeing a skiing penguin playing Wham! to put a smile on my face. Hope you enjoy your present. See you in the New Year?

  Email; Lydia to Danny, December 2018

  I manage to make it up to the Lake District in almost record time, five and a half hours. I’m achy and knackered from the drive but my mind is wide awake and buzzing despite it being well after midnight.

  I knock on Danny’s door, it feels wrong to use the key he gave me, and start to shiver. I’m unsure whether it’s from nerves or the cold.

  It takes a few minutes for anything to happen – presumably I’ve woken him up – but then I see a light flick on and a fuzzy outline through the frosted glass followed by the sound of the lock being opened.

  I take a deep breath but then see that it’s Victoria standing on the other side.

  I could weep. I’ve been planning my apology for the last few hours and here she is in his house. To think I believed him about there not being anything going on.

  ‘I don’t believe it,’ I finally say as I shake my head and turn to walk away.

  ‘Lydia, wait,’ she says. ‘This isn’t what it looks like.’

  I turn back as she struggles to pull her dressing gown over her bump.

  ‘Look, I can explain, come in, it’s bloody freezing out here.’

  She’s not wrong. There’s steam coming out of her mouth as she’s talking.

  ‘Danny’s not here, I’m alone,’ she says. ‘Come in.’

  She smiles at me in the same warm way that she did my sister and I follow her inside.

  ‘Bloody hell it’s cold out. Was it icy driving up?’

  Not really interested in the answer she heads up the stairs to the kitchen where she flicks the kettle on.

  ‘Where’s Danny?’ I ask, as I prop myself up against the work surface.

  ‘He’s gone away. Somewhere up in Scotland, I think. He said he needed to get away. I think he just needed to clear his head.’

  I nod. ‘And what are you doing here?’ I say, as I watch her moving around making the tea looking so at home.

  ‘After everything that happened last weekend, I finally told Gaz what was going on. I didn’t tell him that I’d told Dan I loved him, but I told him that I thought we were having problems. We had a big heart to heart and we’ve decided we needed a bit of space for a few days to think things through and Dan said I could stay here whilst he was away.’

  She hands me a cup of tea and she points at the door leading upstairs to the lounge.

  We walk up slowly and we both perch on the sofa. I almost feel as if I’m sitting down with a friend, she seems like a completely different person.

  ‘I don’t love Dan,’ she says sighing. ‘I mean, I love him like a brother, but I’m not in love with him, not really. Things are not right with Gaz, but that’s all about us, not anyone else. I think that everything happened for us so quickly. We met and we were engaged within six months and then we got pregnant straight away. It’s like we haven’t had a chance to just be together. And then Dan’s so nice and he listens so well and it just confused me. I felt stupid after I kissed him, I knew deep down that he didn’t like me in that way and I thought that was the end of the matter. But then I saw how he was with you and it made me jealous. I thought it was because I wanted that with Dan but I think it’s because it reminded me what Gaz and I were like in the beginning of our relationship and I wanted it back. Instead of working on it with him I started to convince myself that it was because I was with the wrong man.

  ‘It all sounds so stupid to say it out loud. I love Gaz, I really do, it’s just he drives me flipping nuts and I don’t think all these baby hormones are helping.’

  I look down at the bump and I wonder what kind of a home the baby is going to be born into.

  ‘We’re going to be OK,’ she says rubbing the bump as if she knows what I’m thinking. ‘I think it was probably best that we got this all out in the open before the baby comes as I can imagine that that’s going to turn our lives upside down and if we’re not on the same page beforehand then we’re certainly not going to be when he or she arrives.’

  Victoria blinks back a little tear. ‘And I’ve been such a bitch to you and I’m sorry. You’re really lovely, Lydia, and you are perfect for Dan. And I’m sure you’ll get to know your way around the kitchen at some point.’

  I laugh.

  ‘Do you think we can start over and put this all down to a pregnancy blip, baby brain or whatever it is?’

  ‘Of course,’ I say. ‘I’m glad you and Gaz are going to work things out. He was so upset at the go karting when he thought you were having an affair. He really loves you.’

  ‘I know he does,’ she says, wiping away a tear and almost laughing at the same time. ‘I just think we forgot that. We’ll be all right.’

  It sort of feels like we should hug, but we don’t and instead smile a little awkwardly.

  ‘So, did you come to sort things out with Dan?’

  ‘Yeah, I can’t believe I drove for almost six hours and he’s not here.’

  ‘You could ring him in the morning, see where he is? You can’t go anywhere tonight, not after that drive. You must be knackered.’

  The adrenaline that was coursing through my veins on the drive up here has started to ebb away. She’s right. It’s late and I’m exhausted; emotionally and physically.

  ‘I was asleep in the spare room, so you can have Dan’s bed.’

  ‘OK.’ I nod.

  ‘Get a good night’s sleep and then phone him in the morning and see where he is. I’ve got an appointment first thing, so don’t be alarmed if I’m not here when you get up. If you need any help, you can ring me. I’ll leave my number on the kitchen table.’

  ‘OK,’ I say nodding. ‘Thanks.’

  I follow her downstairs and I go through the motions of cleaning my teeth in the bathroom. Then I head down to the bottom floor and stand alone in Danny’s room. It smells so much like him that I have to stop myself from ringing him right now. Instead I strip off my clothes, put on a checked shirt of his that’s lying by the laundry basket and climb into bed. Man, his bed’s so comfortable and I barely have time to process what’s gone on before I fall asleep.

  *

  The sound of the front door slamming wakes me up and it takes a second or two for me to come round. I was in a deep sleep and dreaming I was running through the cobbled streets in Spain trying to find Danny, only I kept finding myself at dead ends.

  I rub my eyes.

  That must be Victoria leaving for her appointment. I look up at the clock and am surprised to see that it’s after eleven. I can’t believe how long I’ve slept for.

  The bedroom door bursts open and Danny rushes in heading straight for the wardrobes and for a second I think I’m imagining it. He bangs and crashes as he frantically searches for something.

  ‘Hey,’ I say, as he definitely hasn’t realised I’m here.

  ‘What the actual fuck?’ he says, swinging round, a look of shock on his face. ‘Lydia, what are you doing here?’

  ‘I was looking for you,’ I say.
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  ‘And you fell asleep?’

  ‘Pretty much. You weren’t here,’ I say, shrugging.

  ‘Fair enough. It’s a comfy bed.’

  ‘It certainly is,’ I say, resisting the urge to do more bed angels. ‘I got here in the middle of the night and I couldn’t start looking for you until this morning.’

  He nods, a hint of amusement on his face.

  ‘So what were you looking for in such a tearing hurry?’

  He pulls out a kilt and I wrinkle my face in confusion.

  ‘Hang on,’ he says, disappearing out into the hall and coming back with a Primark carrier bag.

  He pulls out a reindeer onesie, not dissimilar to the one I already own.

  ‘What the—’ I say, confused.

  ‘I was going to send you the onesie and the kilt and it was going to have a note saying, well, to be honest, I hadn’t really worked out what it was going to say, but something along the lines of I’d marry you in fancy dress if it meant I got to marry you. Meet me in Gretna.’ He shakes his head and frowns. ‘Yeah, the words needed work. Do you know how long it took me to write each letter to you over the years? Sometimes I was there for days and went through a hundred drafts, but I just always wanted them to be perfect.’

  I’m grinning because I’m enjoying Danny losing it.

  ‘I don’t always have the answers, Lydia, and I fuck things up too. I didn’t leave my job because it was too high-pressured; I left because I fucked up. I made a massive mistake and I was fired. It was just coincidence that Gaz needed a business partner. A bit of luck.

  I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to know I was a screw-up. So I get it, I get why you were embarrassed to tell me about some things. I also get what it means to have a job that you love and what a big part of your life that is. I don’t want you to give all that up for me.’

  ‘But I want to,’ I say. ‘I might not be able to for a while as I’ve not only got a promotion, and now I’m covering for Helen as well, because her mum is terminally ill, but I want to move up here, I want to be with you.’

  ‘I can’t ask you to do that.’

  I’m confused, I’m still groggy from sleep and this isn’t making sense.

  ‘But I thought you said that you wanted to marry me.’

  ‘I do. I do want to marry you, but you’re not moving up here. I’m going to move to Portsmouth to be with you.’

  ‘What? But how? What about the business?’

  ‘We can run the business from anywhere, and these days it’s doesn’t matter if Gaz and I are in the same office or a thousand miles away. We can Skype and we share all the files on the cloud. We can even split the clients between us north and south, meaning that we have to travel less. I thought that I could rent this place out and we could rent in Portsmouth and perhaps one day we can move back up here or I could sell it.’

  It slowly starts to sink in that he’s got it all worked out.

  ‘Why didn’t we think of that before?’ I say. It all makes sense.

  ‘Because you never gave me the chance to think about it; you immediately said you’d move. But it makes more sense this way. I’ve only been up here eighteen months and I’m not settled like you are. Plus, I think Gaz and Victoria have a lot to sort out and I think they’ll be better doing that when I’m out of the picture.’

  ‘I spoke to her last night,’ I say, nodding.

  ‘Did she tell you she doesn’t love me anymore? I mean, talk about fickle,’ he says, jokingly. ‘It was a rough week, first you didn’t love me and then she didn’t either.’

  ‘Well, that’s not true, is it?’ I say sliding off the bed and walking up to him. ‘Because I never stopped loving you.’

  He looks at me and I imagine this is the look that Ross was talking about. I feel as if I’m being bathed in a warm glow. I try and look at him in the same way.

  ‘What’s wrong with you, have you got something in your eye?’ he says.

  I start to giggle and instead of explaining I lean up and kiss him. He wraps his arms around me and kisses me back. It isn’t long before his hands start wandering under the shirt I’m wearing.

  ‘So, am I going to be wearing this kilt next week?’ he says as he pulls away.

  ‘No,’ I say.

  ‘Phew, there’s a relief. No one wants to see these knobbly knees. Back to the normal suit then.’

  ‘Actually, Danny, there’s not going to be a wedding next week.’

  He looks wounded again.

  ‘I want to marry you and I know I will marry you – I have absolutely no doubt on that score. It’s just that I want us to get to know each other properly. I want us to be getting married because it’s right, and not because of some pact that we made when were too young to know any better. I’ve waited so long to be with you and I know that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you. What’s the rush?’

  Danny audibly sighs with relief.

  ‘I’ll marry you anywhere, any how, Lydia Stoker, and if that means I have to wait, I will. As long as I’m with you I don’t care.’

  ‘Great, because I definitely think you’re onto something with the onesies. Now we both have them, and I reckon you’d look great dressed as a reindeer.’

  Danny laughs and bends down to kiss me gently on the lips.

  ‘I’ll tell you something that doesn’t look great on you,’ he says, tugging at the shirt of his I’m wearing. ‘It doesn’t suit you at all.’

  ‘Is that right?’ I say raising an eyebrow.

  ‘Uh-huh,’ he says slowly undoing the buttons. ‘I think we should do something about that.’

  He’s just pushing the shirt off my shoulders when the front door slams. Good timing, Victoria.

  ‘Daniel, Daniel,’ shouts Hazel before she bounds into the bedroom. ‘For God’s sake, you two,’ she says laughing as Danny hastily grabs the shirt and pulls it round my front.

  ‘What’s going on?’ says my mum bundling in behind her. ‘Oh, Lydia, we were really worried about you. Kerry said you took off last night and you haven’t been answering your phone.’

  ‘I must have left it in the car,’ I say.

  ‘Well, at least you’re OK and I see that you’ve made up. So that’s good, we’ll leave you to it, then. We don’t want to interrupt that now, do we, Hazel? We’re hoping for grandchildren sooner rather than later.’

  I tut at my mum and she gives me a wink.

  ‘We’ll be at my house. Perhaps you can pop over later,’ says Hazel.

  ‘We’ll be there,’ says Danny giving me a look. ‘Much later.’

  And I can’t help but squeal with delight.

  Mum and Hazel clatter out of the house, chattering noisily, and I look up at Danny.

  ‘You know we’re never going to be rid of those two, don’t you?’

  ‘I know, but at least they’re both as daft as each other,’ he says.

  ‘That’s true. And they have both done their bit to try and get us together. Your mum came all the way down to see me and my mum told me that you came to Newcastle. You know that that wasn’t what it looked like? The guy you saw was my flat mate.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter,’ he says. ‘That’s all in the past now anyway. We’ve got a clean slate and a fresh start. We’re not each other’s back-up plan. We’re not teenagers. We’re just us.’

  ‘Take it one step at a time and all that.’

  ‘Exactly.’

  He leans over and kisses me and it’s unlike any other kiss we’ve had before. I’m left breathless as he lets me go and climbs off the bed.

  ‘Where are you going?’

  ‘To put the chain across the bloody door so that we don’t have any more interruptions,’ he says, laughing.

  He comes back a few seconds later and practically jumps onto the bed. I can’t help but think I’m the luckiest girl in the world. I might have realised how to be happy just being me, but that doesn’t mean to say that I can’t be bloody happy to have Danny in my life as well.


  What Happened Next

  Why our mothers insist on broadcasting our lives via round robin newsletters, instead of just doing sporadic bragging posts on social media like the rest of mankind, I will never know. But for once I’m glad as I’ve just come across a batch of them and it’s made me all nostalgic.

  Here are the best bits . . .

  Lydia x

  Summer 2019

  Oh my days – where have the last six months gone? We’re edging ever closer to Brian turning seventy!!! Of course, I’ve been sorting out my burlesque number for his party – it’s going to have to be something pretty spectacular to beat what happened at the last one! Let’s just hope there’ll be no Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunctions this time . . . ;)

  Well, this year has been certainly more dramatic than we expected. Daniel has FINALLY settled down – well, almost. For those that haven’t heard the story: he nearly eloped to Gretna Green in January, booked a wedding for February and then rescheduled that wedding for next summer. But that isn’t the exciting part. We’re of course thrilled he’s getting married, but we’re even more thrilled about who he’s getting married to: Lydia, as in my wonderful best friend Linda’s daughter. To those of you that have been getting this letter as far back as the mid-eighties, I had hinted that this was a possibility then. I think my tarot card reader was wrong – my gift is not in reiki; it’s in predicting the future. I’m going to look into doing a course next year. I think I’ll have a fabulous little pop up tent at the wedding and I’ll be able to predict the many, many babies that Daniel and Lydia are going to have.

  The only down side to the whole thing is that Daniel has moved down to Portsmouth. He’s managed to rent out his cottage and he and Lydia are renting a flat on the seafront. Unfortunately, it doesn’t have a spare room – but luckily I can stay with Linda when I visit and it’s closer than New York/Singapore/Tokyo.

  Hazel x

  Christmas 2019

  Ho, Ho, Ho! Merry Christmas, everyone. Well, what a difference a year makes, huh? This time last year I was packing Lydia off to sunny Spain to give her a much needed nudge in the romance department, and here we are a year later and she’s got a sparkly ring on her finger and the most wonderful fiancé to boot. We’re over the moon about the impending nuptials, even if I have been given strict instructions of what I can and can’t do at the wedding. Apparently, any form of dancing is out, as it is erotic poetry, and Olivia stole all the hula-hoops I was training to do some special tricks with – well, if I’m not allowed to use my snake hips for dancing . . .