Women in Clothes

by Sheila Heti

  COLLECTION

  EMILY SHUR’s prescription eyeglasses

  PROJECT

  WHAT I SPENT | EMILY STOKES

  April 1–September 30

  RENT: $1,000/MONTH

  NUMBER OF CLOTHING ITEMS PURCHASED: 36

  NUMBER OF ITEMS RETURNED: 8

  TOTAL SPENT ON SHOES/CLOTHING: $1,858.07

  TOILETRIES ETC.: $245.78

  HAIRCUTS AND PEDICURES: $86.32

  TIGHTS AND UNDERTHINGS: $158.45

  DRY CLEANING, COBBLER, ALTERATIONS: $390.95

  APRIL

  4.1 I am cleaning out my wardrobe in preparation for the spring. Going to the Salvation Army are the following items: Three small tweed jackets with three-quarter-length sleeves—each jacket is from a “petite” line—the kind of jacket that has large buttons that make the petite person look like a Borrower. I probably bought them only because they fit; I am 4 ft 8. • G. H. Bass brogues and four pairs of ballet flats—my right leg is shorter than the left by 5cm as a result of my having broken it so many times (I have brittle bones). It would therefore be advisable for me to wear an orthotic in my right shoe with an extra raise, which would mean a larger shoe. It has always seemed unfortunate that I should have to wear large shoes, as I am very small and would like to look dainty and nicely proportioned. For this reason I tend to look for shoes that I think make my feet look as small as possible—mostly ballet flats. I bought the brogues because they seemed like the sort of invisible, hardworking, no-nonsense footwear an editor should wear, but they have become worryingly foot-shaped. • Four cream-colored tops—each is now threadbare in the same place. I use a cane to walk, and the wrist holding the cane rubs against my left hip. At the last minute, I decide to keep the tops. After cleaning, I order two 4.2 oz bottles of Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion from Sephora. $54.44

  4.2 On the way to a Passover seder, I worry that my top is see-through, and so buy a singlet from Forever 21. When I eventually change into the singlet (which claims to be XS), I find that the straps come to below my bra and the bottom of the vest reaches my knees. $2.99

  4.8 I spill salad dressing down one of my cream silk tops at lunchtime, so buy a white T-shirt from Muji. My idea of a perfect white T-shirt is the one my father wears: starchy, wide, with a crew neck and longish sleeves. I have spent a lot of time trying to find a man’s T-shirt in my size. $14.95

  4.16 I am pining after a denim skirt from A.P.C. It looks like a child’s drawing of a skirt: A-line, cut just below the knee, with buttons down the front. It is very expensive—$225—but I justify the price by telling myself that I could wear it all the time. I often fantasize about items of clothing I could wear every day, like the mustard-yellow “It-Doesn’t-Matter Suit” in Sylvia Plath’s children’s book. $0

  4.19 I go to the Jil Sander sample sale at the recommendation of the managing editor of the magazine where I work. He dresses many female friends and sells many items on eBay. On the way back to the office, another colleague and I visit my A.P.C. skirt, which surprises me by being too big and not very nice. $0

  MAY

  5.1 Duane Reade: shampoo. $8.98

  5.9 I need a summer dress to replace last summer’s, which is faded and smells. I buy a dress from Steven Alan online before work. Steven Alan is comforting to me because the clothes are preppy and a bit British. The clothes remind me of my older sister’s, which are classic and expensive-looking. When I think of her, she is ironing cotton. $245

  5.11 I am “in conversation” with Lydia Davis at the Frieze Art Fair. I dress in black trousers, black ballet flats, and a white shirt, like a cater waiter, and borrow a gold 1950s men’s wristwatch from the managing editor, in order to keep track of time without a mobile phone onstage. The black cane gives the look an edge; my friend organizing the event tells me I look “dapper.” $0

  5.12 I am high with relief after the Frieze event. I see a shop called Eponymy with dresses in the window, which reminds me of the two weddings I must attend this summer. I try on several dresses that don’t fit, and then a skirt that is more promising: below the knee, pleated, with a hectic pattern. I buy the skirt, which I imagine will make me appear spontaneous. I have a theory that most of the clothes I pick out in stores have ur-versions from my childhood. The ur-version of this skirt, I realize when I get it home, is a blue Liberty-print skirt that my sister called her magic skirt. She would pick out shells from the pleats during magic shows she would put on for me while I was in the bath. $78

  5.13 The Steven Alan dress arrives. I try it on and look like a child wearing a hospital gown. Why do I buy clothes online that most likely will not fit? I am avoiding trying things on in the shop—trying to postpone their not fitting me. Later, I go to the Comme des Garçons sample sale at the behest of the managing editor. He points me in the direction of a tiny gold leather jacket before returning to the office with several pairs of women’s polka-dot plimsolls. I spot a navy blazer for $60, but something about the loud music and the shoppers here makes me feel very self-conscious. I try it on and take it off too quickly to see how it looks. Pick up dry cleaning. CREDIT, $245; $11.50

  5.14 Managing editor e-mails me a link to a white-and-orange-striped Breton sweater on eBay for €12. Stripes are my bread and butter. I tell him to make a bid for me. He wins. €12

  5.15 I buy two pairs of trousers online from Urban Outfitters: one in beige with a floral design ($39.99), and one in bright red, also with flowers ($29.99). Perhaps I won’t have a need for a summer dress. Perhaps floral cocktail trousers will become my signature look. $69.98

  5.16 On the subway to work, I decide that the Eponymy skirt was a mistake. After work, I go to a dance performance with a friend and wish I were wearing something in a neutral color made of a natural fiber. $0

  5.18 My computer knows that I am looking for a summer dress. I see a Macy’s advertisement on my screen, click it, and purchase an ivory-color broderie anglaise cotton dress with three-quarter-length sleeves. $88.95

  5.19 The trousers are too big. It is not to be the summer of the floral cocktail trouser after all. CREDIT, $69.98

  5.20 Macy’s dress is pretty and meant for someone else. I add this to the Steven Alan dress and the Urban Outfitters pants also to be returned. CREDIT, $88.95

  5.21 I go to the Tibi sample sale at the recommendation of the managing editor. It is the first sample sale I have ever been to that has so many appealing options that I must make decisions about what I would like to buy, rather than have decisions made for me by the scant availability of items in my size. I try on a white long-sleeved silk dress with small black stars, before realizing that I am drawn to the dress because it is like a wizard costume I had as a child. I also try on a black dress made of thick, firm, stretchy material, with long sleeves. It will look good with thick black tights and, I imagine, trainers, which I have resolved to buy and wear for the sake of my feet. • I try on a white silk shift dress. I wonder if you can wear white to a wedding if it is a gay wedding? • I try on a sweater that is neon orangey-pink and great. It makes me want to wear a lot of mascara and let my hair get greasy. • I try on a knee-length skirt—white with a thick stripe along the bottom, as if it has been dipped in a vat of blue paint. It gives me a waist and hips. • In the line to pay for the white dress, the black dress, the skirt, and the sweater, I get cold feet about my vast spending, and leave the sweater behind. $332.98

  5.22 In preparation for my work trip to Venice for the Biennale, I buy a 1.7oz bottle of Fracas Eau de Parfum Spray by Robert Piguet from Amazon, which is the only place I can find it now. I have worn Fracas since I was 16. It smells of tuberoses. The only reason I do not wear Fracas to work every day is that the receptionist in my office is allergic to roses. The last time I worked the phones while wearing the perfume, he had to go to the ER. • I buy a Travel Smart by Conair 1875-Watt Mini Hairdryer ($27.47). • I am suffering from intense regret about buying the Tibi skirt rather than the sweater. I feel very ashamed at having recently bo
ught two ugly skirts. $101.71

  5.23 My concern about having the appropriate toiletry supplies for Venice has grown into a general anxiety about the state of my entire wardrobe. I have been so excited about this trip for such a long time that I have started to imagine myself walking around Venice with matching luggage and themed outfits like a character from a Wes Anderson film. On my way to work, I go to a shoe store near the subway where I purchase a pair of Clarks ballet flats. • I also go into a shop I have walked into many times without success because everything there has only been nearly nice. I try on a white-and-blue knee-length shift dress. It is quite cheap—$62—so I buy it. $152

  5.24 I have had three dresses altered at G&G Chinese Laundry on Grand Street. Unbelievably, this is the first time I have ever had clothes, or anything else in fact, altered to accommodate my small size. When I try on the dresses at home, I experience a revelation. I am no longer limited to buying dresses that fit me. I had never noticed before that by wearing too-big clothes, I was limiting my movements and gestures to hold the clothes in place—to avoid showing my bra in a low-cut neck or an underarm, or by keeping too-long sleeves rolled up. • The blue-and-white shift dress, on the other hand, is not good. The pattern is too big and bold, like wrapping paper, and the fabric is slightly shiny, suggesting that it or I will melt in the heat. $75 (ALTERATIONS)

  5.25 A few hours before my flight, I go shopping for a pair of trainers. At DNA, a discount shoe store, I try on a pair of fluorescent-yellow ones; they are not my usual style but I am channeling an image of a very beautiful thirty-something Italian gallerist I saw at the Frieze Art Fair who wore colorful Nikes with jeans and a blazer. A friend meets me in the store and suggests that Supergas would be smarter and easier to wear with skirts. The Supergas are less supportive and comfortable than the yellow trainers but they are pretty and Italian. • A few hours later, at JFK, I notice that my new Supergas are pinching my toes. I should have bought the 7.5. I am stressed because I have forgotten to pack an important folder with information about the artist I am supposed to be interviewing in Venice, and the too-small shoes make me want to weep. $48.95

  5.26 At 4 a.m on my way to Venice, I am sitting in the Refuel Café at Dublin Airport. I am in a state of anxiety and fear, which has funneled into an intense regret about my packing. I wish I had brought fewer clothes with me. My bag is too heavy to carry over the bridges on the way to the hotel, so I will have to rely on strangers to help me. I wish I had brought warmer clothes with me. I wish I had brought my big, comfortable knitted sweater. I wish I hadn’t bought too-small Supergas. • I think about how, even at 27, I have not yet learned to buy a pair of shoes that fit me and how, over the years, I have bought many pairs of shoes that have made me hobble—I have doubly crippled myself with shoes. • I go to the sport store in Dublin Airport that is somehow open at this early hour. I buy a pair of Converse All Stars in navy blue, which is the only color they have in 7.5. I feel strongly that Converse are best in white or not at all. However, the feeling of wearing the right-size shoes is wonderful. I feel the depression lifting at the relief of having found a solution. €54.99

  JUNE

  6.1 The man I would like to be dating is in Milan for a conference. He is coming to Venice and we are having supper (or maybe he is coming to Venice to have supper with me?). I wear my newly altered red dress with tights, ballet flats, and my black leather jacket. I have always been wary of the jacket, which felt not quite mine. Tonight, the leather jacket is useful. I rise to its sense of occasion. $0

  6.3 Pick up dry cleaning. $64

  6.7 Duane Reade: toothpaste; soap. $8.15

  6.13 Victoria’s Secret: four pairs of knickers. $28

  6.14 I am looking for a smart jacket to wear with the white dress to the wedding. Comptoir des Cotonniers is my favorite shop. The clothes are beautifully designed and they come in small sizes for skinny French people. The only thing that puts me off is the staff, who are too friendly; they hug me when I walk in, when I would rather browse quietly. • The shop assistant today, however, is excellent. She understands the urgency of the situation, and brings me several jackets. I try on a white and neon-orange blazer and a light green jacket with a round neck. I am dithering. The orange one looks better with my coloring, but it is very bold and, as the shop assistant says, the kind of item you have to be careful not to wear too often because everyone will remember it. I don’t think I have a big enough wardrobe for memorable clothes, so I go with the green. • I also buy a beige mac, which I want to wear immediately and every day. The ur-mac is one that lived on the clothes peg in my childhood home in North London, which my mum and dad shared. This one is mini. As my mother would say, it’s a classic. $390

  6.15 I am looking for shoes to wear for the wedding that are not ballet flats. In Steven Alan, I find a pair of white leather sandals with espadrille-style soles. I buy them with my credit card, forgetting that I still have to return the Steven Alan white-and-blue dress. $120

  6.16 Day of wedding. Wake up, go to French Sole, buy silver ballet flats. $175

  6.25 In an attempt to find a replacement summer dress, I go to Steven Alan with the $245 dress and the $120 white shoes I want to return. I am too late to get a refund on the dress, but can exchange it. I try on three other dresses (all far too big) and a pair of white denim trousers. I ask the assistant if he thinks the trousers are too big. He says, thoughtfully, that there is a difference between big trousers and trousers that are too big. Then he says, “If I saw you walking down the street I wouldn’t stop and be like, ‘Your trousers are too big.’” CREDIT, $120

  6.26 Abby at Arté Salon gives me a free between-cuts trim. She says, “Do you have a hot date tonight?” $30

  6.27 It occurs to me that the man finally kissed me last night because I turned up at the restaurant with my top accidentally inside out, and having forgotten to wear makeup. I had finally stopped trying to impress him. • In the morning, on the way to the subway, we pass the dry cleaners, and I pick up my clothes, which includes a dress to change into at the office. He says, “Do you always take so many clothes to work with you?” $42.50

  6.28 The Mizuno Wave Rider 16 running shoes worn by Texas state senator Wendy Davis during her 11-hour filibuster of the Republicans’ antiabortion legislation remind me of how attractive it is to look comfortable. $0

  6.30 I go to see if I can find anything to buy with the store credit from the white-and-blue dress. I try on a wraparound dress in a black and white stretchy fabric. It has the kind of high V-neck I seek out to hide the fact that my neck is angled due to scoliosis. • At home, I try on the dress again and feel less sure. Can you get store credit on something that was bought with store credit? $104

  6.31 I wake up feeling insecure. The man has gone away for two weeks, leaving me to fret. I decide to wear the ugly Eponymy skirt to work. The skirt gets a lot of compliments. My colleague Sam says, “That’s a cool skirt.” I say, “It’s kind of ugly,” and he says, “Yeah, but it’s cool.” $0

  JULY

  7.1 Managing editor has found me a pair of Selima Sun for J.Crew sunglasses on eBay. They are perfect: big but not silly. $60

  7.2 Duane Reade: conditioner; floss $11.52

  7.4 On the way to London for my stepsister’s wedding, I buy a bright red lipstick by Dior called Addict Extreme 639 (Riviera) at JFK Duty Free. It is the first lipstick I have bought for myself. I usually rely on fashion-editor friends to give me their hand-me-downs. $31

  7.6 After a late night at the pub I meet my sister, Polly, at our local hairdresser before our stepsister’s wedding. She tells me that I look rough and that I smell of wine, and suggests I get a blow dry. £20

  7.19 I take Friday off work to spend the day with Polly, who is visiting from London. Our aim is to buy summer dresses and also to try to spend my credit vouchers at Lily’s and Steven Alan. We try on many things at Lily’s but nothing works. Polly advises that I save the voucher until I need to buy someone a birthday present. • On Atlantic Avenue we
discover a shop that sells vintage dresses. Polly picks one out for me that is dark green, purple, and pink, with a wide skirt at the mid-calf. I put on the dress and she nods slowly. The dress is $98. I buy it and feel very certain about it. I always feel certain about purchases that are approved by my sister. That is why I should not shop with her too often; it becomes hard to shop without her. • At Steven Alan, Polly suggests that I buy a pair of diamond earrings from the jewelry counter. I worry that there are more urgent gaps in my wardrobe, but Polly is very persuasive and says that, at $270, these diamond earrings are very good value. I put them on and everything shines. It feels like a celebration of something, so I buy them. • On a high from the diamonds, we go for pedicures ($24). I sit next to my sister and the man scrubs my feet very hard. My sister says, “I think he thinks you’re really dirty.” $388

  7.22 Pick up dry cleaning. $56.50

  7.29 I discovered Worishofer shoes last year. They look very German but not unattractive. The problem is that the cork soles disintegrate—particularly, in my case, the sole of the left shoe, which carries more weight. I buy a new pair of Worishofers from Amazon in size 7, which I resolve to take to the cobbler immediately. $50.80

  7.31 DNA has a sale. I go in to check that I bought the correct size Worishofers; I am always doubting the size of my feet, probably because one foot is bigger than the other. I end up buying a second pair of Worishofer shoes. $48.99

  AUGUST

  8.4 Cobbler. $22

  8.7 My bras are a bit gray-looking, so I order a new one from Amazon—a blue lace Freya bra ($49.49). My friend Beka and I discovered Freya at a tiny Dickensian shop in the Angel, NW London, that specializes in fittings; the shop has been there for decades, and is run by an elderly woman who wears shockingly threadbare velvet leggings. My size was ascertained to be 28DD. This sounded to me ridiculous, but the woman was so adamant that she made me leave behind the 32B bra I had been wearing. The bras I wear now are very push-up and tight around the chest, so that they leave a mark, which is apparently how they should be. I also buy some more Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion ($31.97). $81.46