A Holiday to Remember: An absolutely hilarious romantic comedy set under the Italian sun

by Susanne O’Leary

  ‘It’s me all right,’ Oliver said. ‘If you could all stop blathering, I’ll tell you the whole story.’

  ‘Okay.’ Tony nodded. ‘Let’s go and sit down,’

  ‘Great,’ Oliver said, pushing past Nico into the saloon, where he sat down heavily on the couch. ‘I wouldn’t say no to a beer.’

  ‘You never did,’ Claudia remarked, sitting opposite him. ‘There’s no beer. But if you’re nice, maybe we can get you a cup of tea.’

  Oliver nodded. ‘Okay, that’s fine.’

  ‘I’ll make it,’ Maddy offered. ‘Put Bridget in your cabin, Leanne. She’s still upset.’

  Leanne settled the shivering little dog on her bed and then joined the others in the saloon, all seated around the table while Nico went to contact the coastguard. Maddy put a tray with mugs of tea on the table and they all helped themselves.

  Tony pushed a steaming mug at Oliver. ‘Herbal tea. Very soothing. Let’s hear your story then.’

  ‘No need for stories,’ Claudia interrupted. ‘I think I know the scenario. You cheated on your taxes and now the IRS are after you and you want me to help out, right?’

  ‘Not quite,’ Oliver grunted. He sipped some tea, made a face and pushed the mug away. He looked at Claudia. ‘Yes, it’s true that I have quite a big tax debt and those guys are after me, but that’s not all. I need your help for something else.’ He paused. ‘The thing is, you see, that I’m going into politics.’

  ‘Politics?’ Claudia gasped. ‘You mean… in America?’

  Oliver nodded. ‘Yes. I’m an American citizen, so I can, you know.’

  Lucilla laughed. ‘You’re running for president?’

  ‘No,’ Oliver replied. ‘If you all shut up for a moment I’ll tell you. I’m going to be the next governor of California.’

  ‘Oh, wow. Like… your man,’ Leanne cut in. ‘Whatshisname, Schwarzerknickers?’

  ‘Schwarzenegger,’ Oliver corrected. ‘And yes, just like him.’

  ‘Santa Maria!’ Claudia exclaimed with a derisory laugh. ‘That’s ridiculous. Who on earth is going to vote for you?’

  ‘Lots of people,’ Oliver said. ‘I have a campaign manager and quite a lot of money has been collected already. I’ll have to try to pay back the tax debt before the elections and I was hoping you could help me. But this is not just about money, it’s about…’ He paused and looked pleadingly at Claudia. ‘I need you beside me during the campaign. Your style and beauty – your charm and elegance are the best weapons I would have against the other candidates. With you at my side, I’d have a very good chance.’

  Claudia stared at him. ‘I can’t believe I’m hearing this. After all I’ve put up with, you expect me not only to help you financially, but also to be some kind of trophy wife for these elections that you couldn’t possibly win? Why should I?’

  Oliver looked into Claudia’s eyes. ‘Because of what we had once, you and I,’ he said, his voice suddenly gentle. ‘Have you forgotten?’

  Claudia looked away. ‘No. Yes… I mean… It was nice in the beginning,’ she whispered. ‘But then…’

  ‘Never mind all that,’ Oliver cut in and took her hands. ‘We were in love once. Let’s not forget that. Let’s not ruin the lovely memories.’

  ‘You already did,’ Claudia snapped and pulled her hands away. ‘And to think I was actually frightened of you. But now, looking at you talking about this ridiculous political career, I feel like laughing. Can’t believe I put up with all the mental abuse without complaint for so long.’

  Oliver looked contrite for a moment. ‘I’m sorry about all that. But I will change, I swear. I’ll be the kind of husband you wanted me to be, if only—'

  Claudia got up. ‘Not even if you beg. Forget it, Ollie. I’m not going around shaking hands and kissing babies. We’re finished. The divorce is going through. Please try to accept that.’

  Oliver didn’t reply. He sat with his head bowed while they all stared, waiting for him to speak. Then he looked up and sighed deeply. ‘All right. I give up. I thought you might see my side of things, but I realise it was too much to ask.’

  ‘You bet,’ Claudia muttered. ‘Way too much.’

  Oliver sighed. ‘I had a suspicion that would be the case. But you can’t blame a guy for trying.’ He paused. ‘But… maybe… for old times’ sake… you could give me a farewell gift? That most precious thing you won’t share with anyone… You know what I mean.’

  Claudia gasped. ‘What? You think I’m going to give that away? Never!’

  ‘Ah, please,’ Oliver begged. ‘That was what made me fall in love with you in the first place.’

  ‘What are you going on about?’ Leanne asked, bursting with curiosity.

  Claudia stared at her. ‘He wants me to give him my grandmother’s secret pasta sauce recipe.’

  Lucilla gasped. ‘What?! Nonna Angela’s pasta sauce? It belongs to our family. You can’t give that away, Claudia!’

  ‘Of course not,’ Claudia agreed. ‘I never would.’ She glared at Oliver. ‘You should know that.’

  He nodded, looking deflated. ‘Okay. I understand. But could you at least get someone to help me with the boat?’

  ‘We will,’ Tony said. ‘Did you manage to get through, Nico?’

  ‘Yes,’ Nico called from the desk. ‘I’ve talked to them. They said they’d be here in the morning. ’

  ‘He’s not going to sleep here, is he?’ Leanne asked.

  ‘I’ll take him back to the sailing boat,’ Tony offered. ‘He can sleep in my cabin and I’ll take the couch in the saloon.’

  ‘Perfect,’ Claudia said. ‘But tell me, how on earth did you manage to find me?’

  Oliver smirked. ‘You leave huge footprints all over the place, sweetheart. And that concierge at the crumbling heap you call a palazzo doesn’t mind spilling the beans if you press a few euros into her greedy paw. Then I just read all the blogposts on that website and followed the trail you left behind, including the name of the restaurant on the awning in that tiny village you thought nobody would see.’

  ‘Shit,’ Leanne moaned. ‘I forgot about that. Should have been more careful.’

  ‘That’s for sure,’ Oliver said. ‘But what can you expect from a bunch of women?’

  ‘That’s enough,’ Tony snapped and tugged at Oliver’s shirt. ‘Come on, mate. Let’s go.’

  ‘Okay,’ Oliver grunted and struggled to get to his feet. ‘No need to get rough.’

  ‘Just one thing before you go,’ Maddy interrupted. ‘Why did you try to steal our dog?’

  ‘I was going to use her to get Claudia to give me that recipe. The mutt for the sauce,’ Oliver replied. ‘A bit of bartering, really.’

  ‘Or blackmail. That kind of fell on its face,’ Leanne remarked. ‘But hey, just one little tip; if you’re going into politics you might consider cleaning up your act. Start by being polite to women. That’ll get you more votes. And you could try to look less scruffy while you’re at it.’ She wrinkled her nose. ‘And maybe take a shower?’

  ‘Thanks for the advice, m’dear,’ Oliver grunted. ‘But now I’ve had enough of this. Lead me to my bunk. Bye, darling wife. I’m sorry you didn’t want to join me in my new adventure. Could have been fun, but no hard feelings. Sad to say farewell but maybe our paths will cross again one day.’

  Claudia shrugged. ‘Never would be too soon. Goodbye, Ollie.’

  Leanne watched them go across the rear deck, Oliver first, Tony behind him. But where was Carlo? She noticed him then, at the back of the deck, leaving in the wake of the other men. So he’d been hiding behind the women, not daring to open his mouth. What a wimp. Still handsome, still a nice guy, still dashing in that gorgeous Italian way, but some of his masculinity, that she had been so attracted to, had disappeared and Leanne realised how superficial her feelings for him had been. But Tony…

  She smiled at Maddy. ‘Did you see that?’ she breathed.

  ‘What?’ Maddy asked, laughing.

  ‘Tony. Isn’t he inc
redible?’

  ‘Tony? I thought Claudia was amazing, standing up to Oliver like that.’

  ‘I think she finally had enough. Very brave, I must say.’

  ‘But Carlo just…’ Leanne glanced around for Lucilla but she and Claudia had already gone into their cabins. ‘He was such a chicken shit. Not Tony, though. He has probably been in some tough spots during his time abroad and has had to take charge. Seems to have been pretty scary most of the time.’

  ‘That explains it.’ Maddy yawned. ‘Well, what a night. I’m going to bed.’

  ‘Me too. Hope the coastguard will be here in the morning.’ Leanne suddenly laughed. ‘That guy is going into politics? How mad is that?’

  Maddy joined in her laughter. ‘Well if Schwazerknickers can get elected, so can he. Politics has turned really weird lately. Just look at some of the world leaders today.’

  ‘You’re right,’ Leanne said with a yawn. ‘I’m knackered. Must sleep or I’ll pass out.’

  ‘Me too.’ Maddy kissed her cheek. ‘Good night, pet. No need to wish you sweet dreams. I can tell by the stars in your eyes you’ll have some lovely ones.’

  Leanne laughed and felt herself blush. ‘Yes,’ she whispered to Bridget when they were tucked up in bed. ‘I’ll dream of music and singing and the stars in the sky. And that light kiss I can still feel on my cheek. And in my heart.’

  Twenty-Five

  The coastguard arrived the next morning, and after some conferring with Tony and Nico they took Oliver with them, towing his boat behind theirs. They all heaved a sigh of relief, especially Claudia. ‘So glad to have that man out of my hair,’ she sighed over the meagre breakfast that they had scraped together, as most of their supplies had been depleted during the barbeque.

  ‘There’s not much food left,’ Leanne remarked.

  ‘We’ll be in Dubrovnik this afternoon,’ Maddy said, as Nico started the engine and they made their way across the calm water of the bay. ‘So we can stock up there. In any case, we have reservations at the Dubrovnik Palace Hotel. Looked amazing on their website. It’s right on the water and a spit from the best beach in town.’

  ‘Does it have a spa?’ Claudia asked.

  ‘Oh yes, spa, jacuzzi the works,’ Maddy replied.

  ‘Heaven,’ Claudia sighed. ‘Back to civilisation. It’s been fun, but I think I might fly back to Florence from Dubrovnik in a couple of days.’

  ‘We’ll miss you,’ Leanne said, realising it was true. Claudia had been great company, better than Lucilla, who despite her generosity and charm was a little too into herself. All she ever talked about was business. But Claudia had grown on her, revealing a fun, kind personality behind all the bluster.

  ‘Have you checked Instagram?’ Lucilla suddenly asked, as if she was reading Leanne’s thoughts. ‘I’d love to see the reactions to the new photos.’

  ‘Not much of a signal,’ Maddy said, checking her phone. ‘But once we get nearer to the mainland, it should be better.’

  ‘Okay.’ Lucilla went back to her laptop. ‘We’ll have a look when we can connect.’

  ‘Great.’

  When they reached the choppy waters of the straights, Leanne looked to the far distance where she could see the sailing boat ahead of them, leaning over in the brisk wind, Tony at the helm. Carlo was on deck checking sails, wearing nothing but his tiny red Speedos. Probably topping up his tan before their photo shoot later that day. They had decided to do a few final shots on the beach below the hotel. She wasn’t looking forward to it and she wondered how she’d be able to fake being attracted to Carlo, when all she could think of was Tony. It had seemed like such a good idea at the beginning. Who would have thought it would have gone tits up?

  Her phone pinged. She glanced at it and saw it was a text from an unknown number. She opened the message and smiled as she saw who it was from.

  Got your number from Carlo. How about a date tonight? You, me, pizza, wine and nobody else… So much to talk about, don’t you think? T x

  Leanne chuckled to herself as she replied.

  Pizza, wine –and thee how can I resist? Just checked my busy calendar and see I have a window, so I can fit you in. Please don’t tell Carlo or anyone, and I won’t either. L x

  She didn’t know why she wanted their date to be a secret. It was as if it was something precious and special and somehow fragile at this early stage. She didn’t want to share it with anyone yet, not even Maddy. Her feelings for Tony were all jumbled up in her head and her growing attraction to him confused her. She was normally drawn to traditionally attractive, glamorous men; Tony was the direct opposite. He was tall and gangly and seemed oblivious to the way he dressed, usually in a pair of rugby shorts from his college days, a faded green polo shirt and battered trainers. His curly red hair needed a trim but that was a detail that Leanne found cute. She wanted to run her fingers through those curls and smooth the lines around his mouth. His attraction lay in his kind eyes, his warm smile, and his sharp intelligence. And he oozed warmth and compassion. But there was something more that she couldn’t put her finger on and she didn’t want to jinx anything. She jumped as her phone pinged again.

  A secret date? Yes! My lips are sealed. I will msg you later with time and place. Over and out. T x

  ‘What are you giggling about?’ Maddy asked.

  Leanne blushed and switched off her phone. ‘Nothing. Just a funny thing on Facebook.’

  ‘Oh? Is the signal better now?’ Maddy looked at her phone. ‘No. Seems to be down.’

  ‘It comes and goes,’ Leanne replied. ‘Must have been a glimmer of a signal just then.’

  ‘I suppose,’ Maddy said, looking suspicious. ‘Are you up to something?’

  ‘Me?’ Leanne replied, her eyes wide. ‘Up to what exactly?’

  ‘Not much chance of being up to anything out at sea,’ Claudia remarked. ‘Even for Leanne. But I need to get online too, so I can book a spa treatment. A complete overhaul is long overdue.’

  ‘Yeah, you need serious attention,’ Leanne teased, looking at Claudia’s nearly flawless complexion.

  ‘Do I look a mess?’ Claudia asked anxiously, fishing a mirror out of her handbag, studying her face.

  ‘No, you look perfect,’ Leanne replied. ‘What’s your secret? Botox? Fillers? Surgery? Whatever it is, it looks completely natural.’

  ‘Botox?’ Claudia scoffed. ‘That’s so yesterday. No, just a few non-invasive treatments like dermabrasion and microblading. Expensive and time-consuming, but worth it. And I stay out of the sun, eat healthy food, I don’t smoke and try to keep alcohol to a minimum. Plus yoga, Pilates and regular workouts with a personal trainer.’

  ‘A full-time job,’ Maddy remarked. ‘I’d never have time for all of that.’

  ‘You have to make time,’ Claudia declared.

  ‘Sounds like a very boring existence,’ Leanne said. ‘I mean, no sunshine or wine? And no junk food like pizza, a big cheeseburger or beer?’

  ‘Pizza is not junk food. Besides, you wear what you eat,’ Claudia said, looking at Leanne’s slim figure. ‘You’re still young, so you can afford to abuse your body. For now.’ Her laser eyes moved to Maddy. ‘But after forty, you have to start thinking about making changes. And rethink your underwear. Especially if you hope to find a new man.’

  Maddy laughed. ‘Rethink my underwear? You mean as in push-up bras and spandex?’

  ‘Not quite,’ Claudia replied. ‘But some kind of support can’t hurt.’

  ‘But Maddy’s already found a new man. A golden oldie,’ Leanne quipped.

  ‘Not that old,’ Maddy protested. ‘But quite perfect for me. He doesn’t seem to notice the ravages of time or childbirth on a woman’s body. He’s amazing in bed, too.’

  Leanne squirmed. ‘Ugh. It’s my dad you’re talking about, you know. I really don’t need details of your, ahem, relations with him.’

  Maddy laughed. ‘Okay, I get it. The idea of your parents having—’

  Leanne got up. ‘Please. Don’t say th
e words “parents” and “sex” in the same sentence. So gross.’ She picked up her phone. ‘I’m going to see if the signal is better now that we’re closer to the mainland.’

  ‘It is,’ Lucilla said from the saloon. ‘And your Instagram account is hopping. I also just got a message from the client. They have a huge number of orders.’ She beamed at Leanne. ‘Well done. You and Carlo must do some more modelling for them.’

  ‘I don’t think so,’ Leanne replied, making a face. ‘I just did it for the craic. I’m not going to start a new career in fashion.’

  ‘You never know,’ Lucilla said, closing her laptop. ‘Have look at the comments on Instagram. I think you’ll be amazed.’

  ‘Okay. I will.’ Feeling the need to be away from the prying eyes of Lucilla, Leanne went into her cabin and closed the door. She sat on the bed and opened Instagram, looking at the photos. She stared at the images of the two of them, playing and flirting in the sun. Was that woman her? It seemed like a lifetime ago. What an unreal moment it had been. She shivered as she thought about her brief fling with Carlo and how it had ended so spectacularly. Not one of the best moments in her life to say the least, but it was a relief it hadn’t gone any further. She realised now that even when her hormones had been in overdrive she had known, deep down, that it was all wrong, somehow. She hadn’t told Maddy about her subsequent chat with Carlo, when he had revealed the truth about his relationship with Lucilla, nor did she want to. Better to leave all that in the past. She turned her attention back to Instagram.

  There were over a thousand comments with everything from ‘cool!’ to ‘sizzling hot couple’, and ‘fun in the sun’. When she switched to Twitter she saw the photos had an amazing number of retweets and comments. But instead of feeling thrilled, she was embarrassed and wished she could erase the whole thing. But it was there, all over the Internet, forever. Hopefully it would soon be forgotten.

  Leanne looked up her recent photos on her phone and found the one she had taken of Tony at the wheel of the sailing boat. A gorgeous shot with his head and shoulders outlined against the blue sky and white sail. She’d match it with a fun little post.