The Great Elephant Ride

by Stephanie Timmer

  I felt like a discarded piece of notepaper, years of memories, good and bad, struggles and triumphs. We had been through a lot and without even talking to me, she was willing to crinkle me up and toss me aside. I guess I had always wanted to transition, but I was willing to try to keep the marriage together. I discovered how little I meant to her, as though I was the best offer at the time we got married, and she was waiting for a better offer or any excuse to get rid of me.

  It was not until I was sure that the marriage was over that I considered actually transitioning. Transitioning would have ended our marriage, but it was not the cause of it. Our marriage was over before I explored transitioning and starting working towards self-acceptance. The main reason for not transitioning was gone, and you cannot rekindle a relationship that turns out to have never existed. I was not sure how far I was going to go once I started seriously thinking about transitioning.

  After years of repression, my thoughts continued to direct me to why I should not transition. I had to sit down and spend some time and really think about who I was; the hardest part was the self-acceptance. I had spent nearly forty years convincing myself that I was wrong to feel the way I did, but no matter how hard I tried not to feel this way, I did. My upbringing always taught me that somehow my feelings were my fault, and they were wrong, all that self-deprecating garbage. Thanks to the internet, I started to really look at transition stories and talk to others who had walked the walk.

  I was transgender, that was a fact; I did not choose to be transgender, nor was it something that I could fix. Just like being blind, I realized it was just something that I had to deal with. Not only was I transgender, but I had to learn how to transition while being blind. Fortunately, I had been working with blind individuals for years and have known many women who have lost their sight as well, and even though they are blind, they are no less of a woman.

  One thing I see many girls forget about is that they age. Before you transition, can you picture yourself as an old woman? Everyone ages, and eventually you will get old and have wrinkles like everyone else. It is easy to see how you look today, but what about ten years from now? You not only need to think about your looks but your life as well. Falling in love with a rich, good-looking Italian man may happen, but it probably won’t. Regardless, how stealthily you transition, you will always be a neo-woman. You cannot run away from the past and eventually someone will discover that you were not always been physically a woman.

  I thought about the old lady question long and hard, then I realized that I could not see myself as an old man, either. I decided it would be better to live a year as my true self than a lifetime of being someone I was not. This was a decision I needed to make prior to looking at the price tag. Just like shopping: if you look at something and you don’t think the blouse is going to last or it is going to wrinkle too easily, you probably are not going to even look at the price tag.

  I have broken the price tag into four categories; depending on your circumstances, you may have more in some categories than in others. I am only going to list the ones that required a lot of consideration for me: financial, physical, professional, and personal.

  Financially, the transition is going to cost you a lot. Just a rough cost for me was about $75,000.00. This does not include legal fees associated with my divorce. It adds up quicker than you think, and although you may find ways to save money, I did not have much help. Fortunately, most of my decisions worked out OK. However, before you come out, be aware that it can be devastating if you are caught halfway through the transition and are unable to complete the journey.

  Rarely do you hear girls talk about the physical losses that occur with transitioning. If you are into physical fitness, and enjoy your upper body strength, forget about it. I used to be very strong and at one point had twenty-one inch biceps, but now I am down to a barely a twelve-inch bicep and have to ask a male friend of mine to open a jar of Miracle Whip. The loss of upper body mass was a welcome side effect, but I was amazed at how much it changed.

  I had lost weight because I did not want to be a fat chick. It was OK as a guy to look like a NFL linebacker but not too appealing as a woman. Once I reached my goal weight, I stabilized weight-wise, but my friends kept saying I was looking thinner. Well, I was not losing weight—it was just being redistributed. It went from my neck and chest to my butt, enough so that people noticed. Be aware of these physical changes because they can out you before you are ready. Have a good plan in place before you start having facial surgery and taking hormones.

  There is one more side effect that will affect you as well, and that affected area is between your legs. It affects everyone differently, but it will affect you some, and if you are not ready for it, it can be devastating. If your penis is your best friend, you may lose him. If you do not lose him, he will at least get smaller and the skin will become very thin and tender. After about nine months on sprironolactone and estrogen, getting an erection was actually painful, and I had no desire to actually have one. I actually got to the point where I did not even want to touch it or look at it. If you find that a bit disturbing then the transition is not right for you.

  There is one more physical change you need to know about caused by taking hormones. Every girl taking hormones wants to grow breasts, a known and wanted effect from taking estrogen. However, there are other side effects. Hormones will not make you a woman; however, they will change your metabolism to that of a woman. Most girls put on weight when they start taking hormones because they continue to eat like a man with a female’s metabolism. If you don’t change your eating habits, plan on gaining weight. I have learned to like salad; before I transitioned, I never ate salad. If you want to lose weight, do it before you start taking the little blue pills; the pounds come off a lot harder afterwards. I have a completely new respect for how hard women have to work to maintain their weight. I can now put on a pound just walking past the pastry section in the supermarket.

  I was lucky and knew about the weight gain that occurs with hormones and I made size 14 a dirty word. I know a size 12 does not sound that thin, but it looks good on me because I am 5’15.” I run as much now as I did as a man—about 40-60 miles a week during the transition—and I eat less than half as much as I did as a man. I am just warning you before you start those purple footballs that if you do not want to put on twenty pounds during transition, get into a new eating habit, and start an exercise routine. Being physically fit will also speed up your recovery time after surgeries.

  The professional cost can be considerable for individuals who have long-established professional careers. If you are younger and have not started your career, this part may not affect you. But this is one of the biggest hurdles I had to overcome. My career was flourishing, and I loved what I did. During the coming out process, I did some things right, but I also made some mistakes.

  My name was the first thing I had to choose. It is kind of fun to think of all the names that you can pick from, going through the list looking for names that fit your personality, discarding others because they remind you of someone you did not like with that name. I had used several names when I was younger like “Linda” and “Stacy,” but that was before I had multiple degrees, published books, and my own company. I ended up with “Stephanie,” which is the female derivative of “Steven,” my given name.

  During my coming out period, I started to go by “Steph,” which for the most part went unnoticed by customers and even employees. I started signing everything “S. A. Timmer,” and I changed my voice greeting from “Steve Timmer” to just “Dr. Timmer.” As much as I wanted a different name, “Stephanie Anne” was very feminine and sounded professional. I also know several Stephanie’s my age, so it was also an age-appropriate name. I like Stephanie well enough, but I chose it for convenience.

  I have known several individuals who have taken names that can be female or male, only distinguishable by the spelling, like “Chris” versus “Kris”—this can make the transition easier
. However, once you have made it all the way through the transition, you may want a name that is clearly feminine. “Stephanie” is just that; I always tell people my name is “Stephanie Anne.” I just like how it sounds. It is really a wonderful feeling when you hear a complete stranger call your name out in public.

  Coming out professionally had to be done with a lot of care because I did not want to lose my business partners, employees, customers, and colleagues. I had a small window of time to come out to all of them: from February 20th until July 1st, basically four months. Many of these individuals I wanted to tell face to face. This is one of those secrets that people love to spread even if you tell them not to. You know the kind of rumor: the “Shh, don’t tell anyone, but did you hear?” kind of secret. I knew that once I told one person I had to keep going.

  I have been working in the educational field for nearly twelve years. The educational profession works hard towards accepting and embracing diversity, especially in higher education. I cannot stress this enough: make sure that you are ready because once you tell someone you cannot take it back. My professional field is small and the information can spread quickly. No matter how well you know someone, you will not be sure how he or she will react.

  I strategically started coming out to my major customers first. I actually did this before telling my business partner and upper management at my company. I knew my business partner’s first response would be to wonder how was this going to affect business, I needed to be able to answer that question. One by one, I started to tell my customers; some I had the chance to tell face to face, and others by phone or email. What took me by surprise was the overwhelming support I got: many of them sent letters of support that I later used to reassure my business partner and employees that this would have minimal impact on the company.

  Little did my partner and employees know what the impact would have been if I had not come out. I am sure it would have been a lot worse if I had not dealt with being transgender. The years of denial took its toll; I was constantly depressed and tense. Alcohol became a way to take the edge off. Turning 41, I found myself dealing with something I had not dealt with when I was younger. The issues associated with being transgender are like chronic heart burn: things will be fine for a while but then all of a sudden something will trigger this burning sensation. This time it really hit me hard, and it was all-consuming. So much of my focus was on this that it became difficult to complete my daily work. I had to deal with it once and for all so that focus could be spent on more meaningful things than myself. If I had not done anything, I am sure I would have lost everything that I had worked so hard for, even my life.

  It was at this point when I realized that if I did nothing I would lose everything, so for me the choice was clear. I would have liked to say it was an easy choice, but even though it was a clear choice by no means was it an easy one. When you transition, you will soon discover your true friends, make some new ones, and lose some others. When you transition so will your social life. My business partner is very conservative, and over the years we have become friends as well, so it was going to be very difficult to tell him. I could lose my long time friend and partner.

  I did finally get up the nerve to tell him. I had told only one employee prior to telling him. That was more of an accidental circumstance situation than a planned one. I knew I had to start coming out to everyone so I started at the first of May as I visited different company office locations. I tried to have a one on one with each employee at the offices. My business partner should have been the first one I told, but it did not work out that way.

  I finally got up enough nerve and sent him an email saying that I had something I wanted to tell him and needed a time when we could talk. This should have been a face to face, but now I was out to some, I could not risk the chance that he would find out through the grapevine. I told him in the email that once I told him, I could not take it back. I also sent him several additional emails and told him not to open them until I had a chance to talk to him.

  Later that evening, I had a gin and tonic before the call to my friend and business partner, not sure if that was a good idea or not, but I definitely needed one after the call. The call was good; we went over the day’s events like we normally do with the regular chit-chat. Finally, we got down to the task at hand, and I had him open up the first email. I was very close to losing the contents of my stomach, I was that nervous.

  The first email was a scanned copy of my court-ordered name change. The court order was a simple document and a quick read. My partner read the document, but he did not understand why I had a name change. I started to explain in full detail to him what was happening. He was not ready for what I had just told him. A million things had gone through his mind, and this was not one of them. His long-time business partner and friend was going to be a woman.

  I felt terrible telling him this. He was my friend and this hit him hard. To this day I am not really sure how hard it hit him. I did not hear a thud, so I knew he did not fall out of his chair; he did not hang up on me, he did not yell or get angry right away. It was far worse than that; there was just a long bout of silence as if I had just told him I had died. Since that phone call, he has said multiple times that he misses his old friend. Transitioning affects more that you. Please give your friends time. Your true friends will still be your friends, but they do need time and space.

  Eventually the conversation continued, but I did not sleep much that night worrying about him. One of the other emails contained pictures of me so that he got a better understanding of what I looked like, and I think that helped to show him that I was comfortable with who I was. The pictures were of me in several different locations out in public: Salt Lake City, Chicago, and even Disney world. The other email contained all the letters of support from our customers. I think this was the best thing that I could have done, because it helped set his mind at ease.

  Over the next month, I continued to come out to those who needed to know. I spent a lot of time explaining and talking about what it is like to be transgender and how it affects you as a person, but also how transitioning does not change you as a person—it just lets you be more of who you already are. Someone transitioning should do a lot of homework and have a lot of information or websites readily available to provide individuals with good solid information.

  A Google search will provide information, but it is not vetted information; there is a lot of incorrect information on the internet. If you do not provide friends and acquaintances with good information, the information they do find might not be accurate or representative of your situation. I spent the most time explaining how we are grouped with the GLBT—gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender—banner, but the first three are about sex and the T or transgender is all about gender. People are confused about that, and you will need to make sure that they clearly know the difference.

  The biggest mistake I made was procrastinating about coming out to one of my directors who was also a close friend and supporter of my company and of Steve. I waited too long, and unfortunately he found out through the grapevine from one of our customers. It was not a good situation, almost cost me a very dear friend. He was more upset that I did not trust him enough to tell him than about the fact that I was transgender. I had been giving him clues for months, and once I came out, he was able to connect the dots, but it really set our friendship back. I think we are back to where we were before, but it is different—I can’t really say it is better or worse, just different..

  The main thing I learned about coming out to people who are close to you before you transitioned is to give them time to adjust. You have had a long time to think about it, and they need time as well. The way people react varies greatly, but I have found that the more an individual is exposed to different cultures and is accepting of diversity, the easier it is for him or her to accept transgender people. But remember you are not “people”; you are you and that is who they know. They may never be able to transition from wha
t they see as the old you to the new you.

  Once you transition, things are not going to be the same. If you are used to going for lunch or drinks with the boys after work, chances are they will not ask you anymore. You are no longer one of the boys. The women in your office may take time to accept the new you as well, because they only remember the male you, and you have not had time to create the new woman yet. That transition will take time. I have met to a lot of transgender people who had to change jobs because of their gender history.