by Bree Dahlia
“How long is he staying, dear?”
“I’m not sure… We’re talking some things over.” I fiddled with my cup, wondering how much to get into. My mom wasn’t one to make her opinions boldly known, but I know she didn’t feel that Mike and I were well-suited for each other as marriage partners.
“And what about that nice boy who accompanied you to the engagement party?”
“What about him, Mom?”
She placed her hand over mine. “I don’t mean to pry, but I just assumed you two were an item. You looked very happy together.”
I was a bit surprised. She’d never brought up Chase before. Ever. A weird, paranoid feeling crept in. Were my mother and Perry in cahoots together?
“As I mentioned before, he was more like a friend. Nothing serious.” I felt a twinge of guilt over lying to her. He wasn’t just a friend to me, but for all intents and purposes, he was that night. That was what we portrayed to everyone.
“I see. I was mistaken then.” I nodded and took a sip of coffee. “And Mike? That could evolve into something serious again?”
I might as well tell her since she could very well be placing another setting at the family table soon. “I’m thinking about it, Mom.” She smiled but didn’t respond. “Do you think it’s a mistake to consider it?” I asked.
“Oh, Jillian. I can’t answer that for you, but the fact that you’re questioning it… Can I ask why the sudden change? This all seemed to happen out of the blue.”
I shrugged. “It all started because he needed a temporary place to stay. Then we just started talking about Daniel and it progressed quickly from there. Mike suggested we try again.”
She drank her coffee and stared out the window. There were several bird feeders close to the patio doors, and we watched the few straggling orioles feast on the oranges my stepfather put out for them. Soon they’d all be gone, relocating to their winter home. I glanced at her face. I could tell she wanted to say something but didn’t want to overstep.
“If you have anything to say, Mom, I’d love to hear it. I really value your opinion.”
She turned toward me, setting her cup down. “I just want you to be happy, dear. And when you were married to Mike, I wouldn’t say you were unhappy, just not as happy as you could be, if that makes sense.”
I nodded. It did, but wasn’t happiness overrated? It was fleeting. Here one day, gone the next.
“The only times I truly saw you light up was around Daniel.”
“I’d do anything for that boy,” I said.
“I know. That’s what worries me.”
I frowned, giving her a questioning look. “I don’t understand.”
She smiled, the softness in her face crinkling. “Do you still want to hear my opinion?”
“Of course.”
“You spent a great deal of your life raising another man’s child.” I opened my mouth to protest, but she squeezed my hand. “I’m not saying it was the wrong decision, nor am I saying he’s not your son. He is, in every way that counts. And I couldn’t consider Daniel more my grandson if he were my own flesh and blood. But my point is that you gave up everything for that boy, including the chance of finding a true love of your own.”
My throat tightened, and I forced down the saliva. I couldn’t help feeling a bit defensive. I already knew that I loved Daniel more than Mike, but so what?
“I never regretted anything, Mom. I did the right thing.”
She nodded. “Yes, and I’m so proud of you for giving a child the chance to have a good life, one filled with so much love. You were unselfish during a period when most are still focused on themselves. Maybe the time has come for you to live your life for you.”
I shook my head. I already did that by starting my business. “It’s okay to admit that it was hard putting another’s needs first all the time, even if it was also fulfilling. It doesn’t mean you love Daniel any less. But he’s no longer a little boy. He’s a grown man, Jillian. He doesn’t need you in the same way, and neither does Mike.”
I rubbed circles over my face, trying to ground myself. I was so blown away at the moment. My mom had never talked like this before. Maybe I’d never given her the opening to do so, but still….
“Do you know when else I saw you light up?” I looked at her, already knowing what she was going to say and already wishing she wouldn’t. “I don’t think Chase was just a friend to you, dear.”
I couldn’t deny it or else I was liable to start crying, and I’d made it this far keeping my tears in check. I wasn’t going to break down now. “You know how old he is, Mom.”
“Yes, I do. Does that make a difference to you?”
“Of course it does.” I gaped at her, wondering how she could speak so calmly. I lightly touched her face. “After everything you’ve been through….”
My mom smiled and took both my hands in hers. “Jillian, dear, please don’t let my past mistakes affect your future happiness.”
“They weren’t your mistakes!” A bubble of protectiveness rose inside me. If she was blaming herself for what happened, I’d hunt my dad down and make him pay.
“Everyone plays a part in everything.”
“No,” I said. “Not in this case.” My father was the one who practically forced my mom to have plastic surgery because she wasn’t beautiful enough for him anymore. Because she was starting to age faster than he wanted her to. It was his fault she had complications. His fault she wore that scar on her face to this day. Then the bastard left her anyway.
“I don’t hold any grudges, and I wish you and your brother didn’t either.” I closed my eyes and jostled my head sharply. My mom was too damned nice. “Look how rich my life is now. I have Frank and my family around me. I came out of this a much stronger and secure person. Your father didn’t make me do anything, Jillian. If I’d held my ground, he wouldn’t have been able to talk me into something I didn’t want to do.”
The floor was crumbling away beneath me. This was another subject my mother never talked about. Ever. “But… Dad was so much younger than you. Even if you never had surgery, there would have still been all those extra problems to deal with.”
Not to mention the added stress Stephen and I went through. Although, he had it worse than I did. Not only did he have to go through Mom’s suffering, but he also had the pleasure of running into one of Dad’s much younger girlfriends.
“No more problems than anyone else in a troubled marriage. The fact that I was older than your father wasn’t relevant. The fact that we weren’t right for each other was.”
I… I didn’t know what to think anymore. “I don’t know what to do, Mom.”
“Just be happy, Jillian.”
I drove home both lighter and heavier at the same time. When was the last time I’d had such a deeply personal conversation with my mother? Ever? It was a surreal feeling.
I didn’t know where to go from here. I hadn’t expected my afternoon to unfold quite the way it did. It threw me off track, and I was so far from the beaten path I didn’t know if I’d ever find my way back.
I pulled into the driveway to find Mike’s car there, as expected. He said he was going to spend the day doing some cleaning, which made me snicker at the time. His version of tidying up was putting on a new roll of toilet paper and throwing out the old one.
“Hello,” I called out when I stepped inside. The living room still looked the same; although, it hadn’t been too messy to begin with. “Hello, Mike? You there?”
I walked through the kitchen, noticing his dirty dishes in the sink, and went toward my office to drop off my work bag. I stopped in the doorway. The room looked different, more open. Cleared out. It took me half a second to realize why—the boxes of toys and bags of clothes were gone.
“Hey, Jillian. I thought I heard you come home.” I turned to see Mike coming up the basement stairs.
“Where’d you put all this stuff?” I asked.
“I dropped it off at the donation center this morning.
You asked me to do that, remember?”
“Well, yes, a few months ago. I was still going through the house whenever I had time, adding to the pile, but… thank you.” I took the paperwork out of my bag and filed it in the drawer.
“You’re welcome. I thought about keeping some things, you know, for Daniel’s kids, but most of it was pretty worn out. Except for some of the board games—”
Games? I tuned out the rest of his words as my eyes darted to the side of my desk. I peeked underneath, then behind. My pounding in my ears grew louder and louder.
“Jillian, is something wrong?”
I tossed around a stack of folders. The room was pretty damn clean; there weren’t too many places for a square box to play hide and seek. No. Please, no.
“I had a game set aside. It was separate from the donation pile.” I spoke calmly and rationally. “Have you seen it?”
“Sure. It was right there?” He pointed to the place by my desk where I’d made a spot for it. Where I saw it every time I worked, which was a hell of a lot. “I stacked it with the others and brought it in.”
“Why would you do that? It was set aside for a reason, Mike.” My voice had lost some of its evenness. If it was anything like my emotions, it resembled a serrated ice pick. I had this sickening feeling I couldn’t tame, and it was grower stronger.
All I had to do was breathe. “Which center did you take it to?”
“The one on North Ave. What’s this about? Was that Daniel’s favorite game or something?”
“I gotta go,” I yelled as I ran for the door. If I remembered correctly, the place closed in twenty minutes, and that’s how long it took to get there.
I made it in eighteen. The chances were still pretty good, I assured myself. He’d only dropped it off that morning. It was unlikely someone had purchased it already. The center probably hadn’t even finished sorting through everything. It was a huge load.
I darted inside as the clerk was walking to the door, probably to lock it. “I’m looking for a game. It’s called Bunked. Purple and green box. It was dropped off earlier.”
I expected the woman to laugh at my frantic request. I was talking so quickly, and I sounded like I was jonesing. ‘Must need board game fix.’ When she handed it to me, I had to make sure I didn’t smack my lips and bounce up and down.
“I’m sorry, honey.” There was no laughter, only kind eyes. “We were cleared out of all our games and toys today. Every so often they get picked up for Children’s Hospital.”
“Oh… okay then.”
“Are you ill? Do you need to sit down?” The woman was peering at me with a concerned expression, making me wonder how I must look to her.
“No, I’m fine. Thank you for your time.”
I wandered back to my car and got inside. What just happened here? I drove like a lunatic on heavily trafficked roads for what… a used board game? I didn’t understand my impulsive reaction. Yes, Chase and I had played that game, but we did lots of things together. Should I have been saving all our used condoms too?
I started the drive back home. It’s a fucking game, I reminded myself. I could go buy a brand spanking new one right now. One that didn’t have a beer stain on one of the cards or have his fingerprints all over the damned timer.
Only a game, Jillian.
Plop.
A fucking game.
Plop plop.
It means nothing.
Plop plop plop.
I was underwater by the time I made it home. A drowned mess. Hair sticking to my face, snot running down my lips. I didn’t even know how I did it. My eyes felt like someone had poured acid into them.
I went inside and straight to my room, having no recollection if I’d seen or talked to Mike. I shut my door and crawled into bed, the tears never once taking a break, the sobs never once quieting from my mouth.
At one point in the night, I glanced over and saw Perry sitting there. “How…?” I had to be dreaming.
“Shhh…” She came over and rocked me like a child. “Don’t talk, just cry. You need this, Jills. I’m here for you.”
I stayed in that room for three days. I started to believe I was sick for as much as I slept. When I was awake, Perry was either forcing me to eat tasteless soup, or I was crying, sometimes both. My eyes had become swollen slits.
By the time my jag had finally come to an end, I was tapped dry. Wiped out as if I’d been through a seventy-two-hour labor, not lounging around in bed. But it all had worth, because once the gunk cleared away, I was left with a clear mind.
“I love him, Perry.”
“I know you do.”
“Do you think I’m too late?”
“I don’t know. I’d like to think not.”
I sat up in bed and guzzled from my water bottle. My mouth tasted like I’d barely survived a bout of the stomach flu. “I need to brush my teeth.”
“Yes, you do.”
“And take a shower.”
“Yes, you definitely do.” She smiled. “Good thing you have a working air conditioner, or things could have gotten a whole lot funkier in here.”
“Still hot out?” I asked. It was a strange feeling to have days of your life disappear.
“Yep.” We were in the middle of an Indian summer and temps were hovering in the high eighties. “But I did open the windows at night to get in some fresh air.”
I didn’t know how she managed to stay with me so long. “I hope I didn’t get you in trouble with your job.” I quickly scanned through my schedule, praying I hadn’t bailed on any appointments. Whew… I lucked out.
She waved her hand. “I took vacation days. I had extra anyway.”
“Thank you, Perry.” Who else could have taken care of me like that? My money wouldn’t have gone on my ex, especially because my breakdown was due to reasons he’d never understand. “What made you come here in the first place?”
“Can you believe Mike called me?”
“What?”
“Yeah. I’m glad he did, but he needs to get a clue. God, I swear. He didn’t know how to handle you, and he thought you were having ‘woman’”—she did air quotes—“issues. He said you freaked out over some game and then wouldn’t stop crying. He should know better; he’s a doctor, for Christ’s sake.”
“He’s a shoulder surgeon, not a gynecologist.”
She rolled her eyes. “He should still know better.”
“In his defense, I’ve never acted like this before.”
“You’ve never been in love like this before.”
We sat in silence for a while. I needed to get outside and feel some sunshine. I needed to do a lot of things.
“You know you have to talk to Mike, right? And you have to do it soon. He needs to leave.”
“I know.”
I had a new plan: Mike, then Chase.
And pray it wasn’t too late.
“You better?” Mike eyed me warily. “You look better.”
“Yes, much.” I couldn’t help snickering to myself. He kept his distance like I was some wild animal coming off tranquilizers and couldn’t be trusted. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to attack.”
“You were pretty scary before, Jillian.”
“Well, I’m all good now.” So incredibly good. All the toxic shit inside me was gone. I’d showered, cleaned up my room, and was about to shed another large chunk of dead weight.
“Perry heard you talking to someone the other day. Was it Candace?”
His face looked like I’d walked in on him bending his secretary over the desk. “Oh, it was nothing. Honest, Jillian. She called me.”
“It’s fine, really.” More than fine. “What did she want?”
He inched closer to me. “Ah, she wants me to come home. But I don’t want her. I want you. I already told you that.”
“But have you told her that?” He didn’t respond. Of course, he didn’t. Chickenshit. “I think you should, Mike. Go home. Or not. That’s your choice, but it’s not right for you to stay
here with me any longer. It’ll be going on a month soon.”
“What are you saying? We’ve already discussed this. Daniel—”
“See, that’s what I’m talking about. Maybe I didn’t realize it before, but you’ve always used him as leverage. As a way to keep me reeled in.”
“That’s crazy.”
“Not really. I think things eased up for a while when you were occupied with Candace, but overall, that’s how it’s been throughout our entire relationship. You knew I’d do anything for our son, and you took advantage of that.”
He ran his hand through his hair. “I cannot believe you’re saying these things, Jillian. To imply that I’d use him is just wrong.”
“I’m not saying your actions were pure malicious intent, but I think I filled a role for you, and you’re trying to hold on to that. It was never our marriage first because there was no great love between us. But through it all, I did let it happen, so I’m just as much to blame. I just can’t let it happen anymore. I’ll always be there for Daniel, but you and I aren’t meant to be together.”
“Oh, I get it. This has to do with someone else.”
I dropped my head in my hands. Yes, there was someone else, but he was missing the point entirely. Whether or not Chase forgave me had nothing to do with me and Mike.
“This is about that kid, isn’t it? You said you were no longer with him.”
“I’m not.” I took a deep breath and forced out the rest of the words. My days of not allowing my feelings to shine through had to be over or else I didn’t stand a chance. “But I want to be. I… I’m in love with him.”
Mike stared at me, eyes bugged out. Then he threw his head back and started laughing. I drummed my fingers on the couch waiting for him to finish.
“Yeah, right, Jillian. You are not in love with him.”
I narrowed my eyes. “I’m glad you find this so funny because I’m completely serious.”
“I already told him he was wasting his time when he showed up that day. Why go backward and stir things up again? Just leave it be. If you want someone to take care of, you can do that with me.”