by Jade Winters
Cara’s ‘homecoming’ couldn’t have been frostier if the temperature outside was below zero. ‘Yes, mother.’
‘Good.’
Before Cara could reassure her mother she was only going to be back for a short while Dee turned and walked briskly down the hallway. Cara ran her hand over her face and blew out a breath. The thought of sleeping on a bench in London suddenly became appealing. I knew coming home was a bad idea. There was no point in regretting her decision now; in dwelling on what she should and shouldn’t have done.
The rose-chintz wallpaper that had graced the halls of her mother’s home since before she could remember was gone. Instead the walls had been painted a warm beige with crisp white trim. It seemed that the house and garden were not the only things that had undergone some renovation – her mother looked as though she had lost a significant amount of weight, and was comfortably attired in yoga pants and a brand-name running shirt. The thought of her oh-so-proper mother wearing workout gear was almost inconceivable, and Cara couldn’t help but wonder what other surprises might be in store.
As Cara entered the living room she jerked back a little as Dee spun around to face her, with a questioning look in her eyes. ‘So what’s brought you running back here with your tail between your legs? Relationship problems?’
‘You know me so well,’ Cara said, not even trying to hide the sarcasm in her voice.
‘Well what else could it be? I haven’t seen you in twelve years.’
Cara inhaled a deep breath – this was one conversation she could really do without. ‘That was your choice, not mine.’
‘Cara, you are what you are but I will never condone what you did. I don’t understand it and – ’
‘That’s because you’ve never tried!’ Cara cried out in frustration.
‘What’s there to understand? One minute you’re in love with Matt and the next you’re in love with Erin.’ Dee’s tone alternated between a high and low pitch. ‘Is it any wonder I was confused?’
Cara could feel her cheeks heating up with embarrassment. Her mother had just confirmed what she already knew – she was still angry with her about an incident that had occurred when Cara was only eighteen. Yes, she had thought she was in love with Matt. But in her defence she had been going through a stage where she didn’t know what she wanted. Matt was her first boyfriend. Cara hadn’t banked on her world turning on its head when she was introduced to Erin. Until then it never even occurred to her that she was attracted to girls. But none of that mattered to her mother. It seemed Dee was going to punish her for the rest of her life for being true to herself.
‘Mum…’ Cara took a step towards her.
Dee raised her hand, stopping Cara in her tracks. ‘Don’t even try to explain, I don’t want to know. What you do in your personal life has nothing to do with me. I just don’t want it infringing on mine. I’m the one who has to live here, remember. Unlike you and your father who just swanned off to London, leaving me to pick up the pieces.’
Cara looked her directly in the eye. If she wanted confrontation, Cara would give it to her. ‘I only followed dad to London so I wouldn’t be, what did you call us?’ Cara glanced up towards the ceiling, as if trying to catch a memory, then abruptly snapped her head back down. ‘Oh yeah, a disgusting pair of low lifes with the morals of an alley cat.’
Dee completely blanked Cara’s input and carried on with her tirade as if Cara hadn’t spoken. ‘No amount of disappearing could stop the gossip mongers around here. Oh no. Every day I had to put up with the whispers and laughing behind my back. It’s taken me bloody years to be able to walk about with my head held high. And I want it to remain that way. Daughter or not!’
The words stung Cara like a slap in the face. Cara didn’t see the point in responding to Dee’s remarks any further. She knew her mother’s bitterness had been directed more towards her father than Cara herself, but she wasn’t the one to blame for the breakup of their marriage and refused to take responsibility for her father’s indiscretions. He was the one who had slept with the vicar’s wife, not her. Yes, her father’s brief affair had caused a scandal in the village and no, she shouldn’t have been surprised by Dee’s reaction when she found out about Cara’s relationship with Erin. But all the same, a bit of motherly love and support wouldn’t have gone amiss. Instead her mother had treated her like a contagious leper.
‘I haven’t come back to stir up trouble, Mum. I just need a few days to sort some stuff out then I’ll be on my way.’
Brushing a bouncy wave of auburn hair behind her ear, Dee’s face softened. ‘Like I said, as long as you’re not here to cause trouble, you can stay as long as you like, Cara.’ She clasped her hands together briskly. ‘Would you like some tea?’
The switch in Dee’s mood puzzled Cara momentarily, but she wasn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth. If this was Dee’s attempt at a truce she would grab it with both hands.
‘I’d rather have a coke,’ Cara confessed guiltily, feeling that her emotional trauma justified a bit of nutritional suicide and knowing that her mother always used to keep a stash of fizzy drinks to use as cocktail mixers.
Dee dismissed her with an airy wave, an all-too-familiar gesture. ‘That stuff is terrible for you,’ she chided, ‘After I found out about the ingredients they use to make it I refuse to keep any in the house, but you’ll love this new tea that I make, it has acai in it.’
‘Acai?’ Cara was astonished that her mother even knew what acai was. This was the woman who absolutely refused to conform to modern society in so many ways, preferring her cultured – if outmoded – way of living, and now she was making acai tea. Cara followed her mother mutely to the kitchen. The small cosy space had been entirely updated, with gleaming granite countertops and new cabinets and appliances.
‘Wow, you’ve really done a lot of work around here,’ Cara mused, turning in a circle, taking it all in.
‘I sold a property to a developer, he had great connections. I got most of this stuff on the cheap.’ Dee smiled wickedly, surprising her.
‘Good for you,’ Cara remarked, accepting a cup filled with dark liquid which was surprisingly nice.
‘You look as thin as a bone, When was the last time you ate something?’
Cara tilted her head slightly and considered telling her she had been in mid-bite of her birthday cake as she read the lurid details in Jenny’s diary. No, maybe not. Why depress her mother as well. Instead she said. ‘This morning.’ Her stomach let out an angry growl, causing them to both laugh.
‘Take your stuff up to your room and I’ll see what I can rustle up.’
‘Thanks, Mum. Your home made fish and chips would go down a treat.’
‘No such thing. I’ll make you a nice salad instead.’ Dee walked over to the fridge and took out several ingredients.
Cara retrieved her phone from her pocket and glanced at the screen. Seven o’clock. That meant it had been nearly five hours since she’d left London. Five hours since my bubble burst.
Dee’s voice broke into her thoughts. ‘Why don’t you have a quick shower? It won’t take me long to knock this up.’
‘Okay.’
‘And Cara.’ Dee smiled. ‘Happy birthday.’
‘Thanks.’
Cara went into the hallway, grabbed her case and dragged it up the stairs behind her. As she entered her old bedroom, she smiled. Her single bed was still up against the wall under the window where she had loved to stargaze.
Despite her initial doubts, it actually felt good to be home again. Maybe she could use this time to get close to her mum. After all, you only had one mother and she hated being estranged from her.
Cara flung her case on the bed, unzipped it, and began to unpack.
The music from the radio filtered into her room from the kitchen downstairs and she could hear her mother singing along to Adele’s ‘It’s a Beautiful Day’. Cara smiled. Maybe it’s true – every cloud does have a silver lining.
Chapter Four
/> At dinner, Cara poured a generous amount of home-made French dressing over her salad. ‘I forgot to say, I ran into Matt at the taxi rank.’
‘Oh?’ Dee gave Cara a pointed look as she stabbed a piece of lettuce with her fork.
‘Nothing dramatic happened. We only spoke for a few minutes, he was with someone.’
‘Erin?’
It felt like the air had been sucked out of the room just at the mention of her name. ‘Er, no,’ Cara said trying to fight the nausea she was experiencing. ‘I think he called her Claudia.’
‘Ah yes, Claudia, she’s a nice girl. Very fond of Matt.’
‘So you still see him?’ Cara asked automatically. She felt uneasy talking about him to her mother. Especially after the reception she had received earlier.
‘Of course. And his sister,’ Dee added with a wry smile. ‘It’s a pretty small town. It would be hard not to.’
‘Erin’s still living here?’
‘Uh huh.’
Cara let out a soft sigh. Just the thought of Erin made her feel despondent. Why couldn’t she think about her for more than five seconds before forcing her out of her mind? She knew why. Because she had done the unforgivable. When, in the space of sixty seconds Cara’s life had been turned upside down, she had left Cumbria without telling a soul. She remembered little from the night she left. Cara had been in a daze blinded by fear. She didn’t know who to turn to or where to seek help so she had fled to London to be with her father. Over time the longer she stayed away the harder it was to go back. Until this day, Cara still wondered if Erin had found it in herself to forgive her.
To distract herself from the profound guilt that was casting its dark shadow over her, Cara barraged her mother with questions about what she’d been up to over the last few years. Cara hadn’t been back to visit since she’d moved to London – a fact that filled her with a measure of shame – but the prospect of running into Erin or Matt had been daunting to say the least, so she stayed away rather than face her hometown realities.
Cara was shocked to learn that, in her absence, her mother had taken up yoga and adopted a vegan diet. Cara would do well to follow her mother’s example and purge her life of everything that was toxic, making a clean break from the past and plunging enthusiastically into a brand new future. However, knowing that this degree of life change was easier said than done, Cara faced the harsh reality that she needed to close some old, painful chapters before beginning the new ones.
The rest of the evening with her mother had been amicable. Surprisingly, there hadn’t been any verbal mudslinging or awkward silences. Cara dropped into bed exhausted after her emotionally charged day, but sleep was still hard to come by. Silent tears wet her pillow as the horrifying image of Maddie with Jenny refused to leave her mind. She took some small measure of comfort in knowing that it could’ve been worse…at least she found out the truth before accidentally catching them in the act. How was it even possible, she pondered bitterly, to have got Maddie’s character so wrong?
Feeling the anger at the unfairness of the situation boil up again, she decided there wasn’t a chance in hell that she would be the first one to make contact with Maddie. Why should she, she had done nothing wrong. No, Cara decided, seeing as she seemed to be getting along with her mother, she was going to stay at her childhood home until Maddie realised the enormity of her mistake and came back begging on her knees for forgiveness.
***
‘Cara, are you awake?’ Dee’s voice was low, barely a whisper from the other side of the door.
Cara contemplated not answering, but when Dee called her name again she thought better of it. ‘Yeah, come in.’
The door creaked open and Dee poked her head in. Even from where Cara lay in the dark she could see an expression of concern on her mother’s features from the hallway light.
‘Did I wake you?’
‘No, is something wrong?’
‘Can you come downstairs for a minute? I need to tell you something.’
‘Okay.’ Cara rolled off the bed and pulled a jumper over her head, then quietly followed her mother down the stairs and into the kitchen. She stood by the wooden dining table whilst her mother tended to a fire she must have started before going up to fetch Cara.
‘So, what’s the urgency?’ Cara laughed nervously. She hoped to God her mother wasn’t about to tell her any bad news, like she was selling the cottage and immigrating to Spain. It was something she had spoken of in the past. If this was the bombshell she was going to land on her, it would be more than Cara could bear. The prospect of finding out she could be made homeless twice in the space of twenty-four hours was daunting to say the least.
Dee prodded the wood with a poker then stood, resting it against the wall. She slowly turned around to face her. ‘I think you should sit down.’
‘Don’t tell me you’re pregnant,’ Cara joked, as she lowered herself onto the chair.
When Dee spoke her voice wavered. ‘There’s no easy way of telling you this.’ She stopped abruptly and glanced down at the glowing fire.
Oh shit this is gonna be worse than her emigrating. I hope I’m going to be able to cope with this. ‘Mum, you’re scaring me now, just tell me what’s wrong.’
Dee’s face clouded with uneasiness. She inhaled deeply. ‘Okay. I’ll just come straight to the point.’
‘I wish you would.’
‘I’m seeing someone, Cara.’
Cara thought her heart was going to stop beating. It took a few seconds for the words to filter into her brain. Her eyes widened. ‘You’ve got a boyfriend? That’s it?’ She leapt up and crossed the room to her mum. ‘Oh my God, Mum, that’s brilliant. I’m so happy for you.’
This time when she reached out to embrace her, Dee hugged her back. Cara was genuinely happy for her mother. As far as she was concerned, she’d been single for way too long. Her mother, more than anything, deserved to be happy. Cara drew back, keeping her arms round her mother’s waist.
‘Why didn’t you tell me when I arrived? We could have met him for dinner or drinks?’
Dee gave a faint smile, but remained silent.
‘So who is this mystery man, then?’ Cara said brightly. She hoped it was Tim Butcher, the dairy farmer. He’d always had his eye on her mother.
‘It’s Randal.’
Cara frowned. ‘Randal? Oh I thought it might have been someone else,’ she said feeling a little disappointed. But it didn’t really matter – as long as her mother was happy she couldn’t care less if it was King Kong himself. ‘So when am I going to meet this Randal then?’
Dee extracted herself from Cara’s arms. ‘Um. You know him already,’ she said uneasily.
‘I do?’
‘It’s Randal Matterson, Cara.’
Cara’s breath caught in her throat. Her hands clutched her stomach as if someone had just kicked her there. Her mind was scrambling as she stared at Dee, speechless for a moment. Then she asked, ‘Randal, my Randy from school, are you bloody kidding me?! He was my first boyfriend in infants!’ She took a step backwards stumbling against the chair. ‘Have you lost your mind?’
‘Look, I knew you’d be upset but there’s no way I’m going to have you speaking to me like that, young lady.’
Cara looked at Dee in horrified silence for a moment. ‘You’ve just told me you’re basically dating a child. That’s great, Mum, glad to see you’ve got your priorities right.’
‘Cara, he’s the same age as you, he’s hardly a child.’ Dee sighed.
‘Not if you’re in your thirties yourself. But you’re nearly sixty.’
‘I can’t say I’m surprised by your reaction.’
Cara shook her head in disbelief. ‘What did you think I was going to say? How great I think it is? And you’re worried about being subjected to gossip? I bet the village talks of nothing but your obvious desperation.’
Dee glared at Cara, anger blazing in her eyes. ‘Enough!’ she snapped. ‘If you can’t be happy for me, Cara, we’ll
leave it at that. I’ve got nothing more to say on this matter. I’m going to bed.’ She brushed past Cara as she made her way out of the room.
Cara watched Dee as she left, slamming the door behind her, then switched off the light and dragged a chair in front of the fire.
That’s just great! Out of all the grown men in Cumbria, my mum has to get involved with someone I used to go out with when I was six.
Chapter Five
Cara woke with a start, her heart pounding so fiercely against her ribcage she thought it would burst right through. She’d had the weirdest dream that her mother had told her she was in a relationship with a man thirty years her junior; a man Cara used to bring to their home for ice cream and jelly. Thank God it isn’t real.
She inhaled deeply and released a measured breath, before moving her tongue around the inside of her mouth in a vain attempt to encourage moistness. As she turned her head to the side she jerked up into a sitting position. Suddenly it all came back to her as she stared open-eyed at the whisky tumbler on the bedside cabinet. Cara remembered taking the glass to bed with her in the early hours of the morning, after she’d tried to get her head around her mother’s shock announcement. So it wasn’t a dream after all. My mother really has lost her marbles. It was the only explanation. Cara strained her ears as she heard the faint sound of movement below. With a quick rub of her face, she swung her legs onto the floor and sighed deeply. Although it pained her to think Dee would be hurt in the long run when someone younger caught Randal’s eye, for now Cara wouldn’t make any waves. She would just watch from the sidelines and see how things panned out and only then would she step in if, no, when her mother needed her. Cara knew the drill. Younger man besotted with older woman until he finds out that she doesn’t have the same amount of energy as him, she is unable to bear his children – the list of negatives for their type of relationship went on and on. Dee was most likely a novelty for now. But Randal would soon tire of her, of that Cara had no doubt.