by Jade Winters
Still wearing her pyjamas, she made her way down to the kitchen and joined her mother at the table.
‘You look like hell,’ Dee said, sipping tea from what looked like a hand-thrown primitive mug.
‘Wow, thanks, Mum,’ Cara tossed out, with a pleasant amount of sarcasm. ‘What’s with the mug?’
‘I went through a pottery phase,’ Dee confessed, with a vaguely embarrassed smile.
Cara was astonished at the thought of her mother, whose manicure was a model of spotless perfection, putting her hands into mushy, gushy clay. She grabbed a matching mug from the cabinet and helped herself to the ‘organic Honduran’ brew that had awoken her. ‘Do you want a cup?’
‘No thanks. I don’t drink coffee any more, I keep that in especially for...’ She cleared her throat. ‘…Guests.’
For Randal Matterson you mean. Noticing the tightening of her mother’s mouth, Cara remained quiet. The last thing she wanted was to start an argument first thing in the morning. It was best for both parties if they just ignored the white elephant in the room.
‘Would you like some breakfast?’ Dee asked, as she stood and walked over to the sink.
Cara dreaded to think what concoction she’d serve up, so declined politely. ‘No thanks, you’ve got to go to work. I’ll grab something in a bit.’
‘Okay, if you’re sure? Listen, I have to show a boathouse this morning. It’s set right on the edge of Ullswater. You can tag along if you like,’ Dee offered, scrolling through the emails on her phone.
‘Thanks but I’ll have to give it a miss. There’re some things I need to sort out,’ Cara demurred, wrapping her hands around the charmingly imperfect cup. Her mother looked up and stared at her for a moment. Feeling uncomfortable under her gaze, Cara glanced down briefly. ‘Mum, about last night…’
‘Look, Cara...’
‘No, please wait. Hear me out. I might have jumped the gun a bit. If you’re happy that’s all that matters.’
‘Do you mean that or are you just saying it to keep the peace?’
‘Come on, Mum, you know me better than that,’ Cara said, with a forced grin.
‘That means a lot to me, Cara.’
‘Also…’ Cara threaded her fingers through her hair. ‘I’ve decided to stay on a bit longer if that’s okay with you?’
‘Of course it is. I’m glad to hear it. So what are your plans today?’
‘I’m going to the bank to sort out getting a new debit card and to see if I can withdraw some cash. It’s a good thing I have Nan’s inheritance or I’d be stuffed.’
‘No need,’ Dee drew a bank card from her bag on the table and gave it to Cara. ‘The pin number is my year of birth. Take out as much as you need to tide you over. It makes more sense to call the bank, rather than go into one. I thought all you young people did everything online now anyway.’
‘Okay I will. Thanks, I’ll pay you back ASAP.’
‘Don’t worry about it. Why don’t you go for a hike today? Get some colour in your cheeks. I still have your walking boots in the cupboard somewhere.’
‘Really, after all this time?’
‘Yes, after all this time. They’re good boots. I didn’t see the point in throwing them out in case…’
‘In case I came back?’
‘I knew you’d come back one day.’ Dee pushed herself to her feet. ‘There’s homemade granola in the glass canister in the cupboard. Oh and don’t forget to have it with the rice milk in the fridge. And there’re plenty of dried fruits and nuts to sprinkle on top if you’re really hungry.’ Dee smiled reassuringly.
Cara wasn’t accustomed to the kinder, gentler version of her mother but she certainly appreciated her, particularly now, when she was feeling vulnerable. Dee’s eyes widened when Cara stood and took a step towards her and, without hesitation, wrapped her arms around her neck like she sometimes did when she was a child. It brought tears to Cara’s eyes when her mother hugged her back, hard.
‘Thanks, Mum,’ she whispered. After a few moments she drew back. ‘Hey, how about I pick up some shopping and make dinner tonight.’
‘Oh, so you cook now? I remember when you were a child you hated the thought of cooking and swore blind you were going to live on takeaways when you grew up.’
Cara laughed, rubbing her jaw thoughtfully. ‘Hmm, that was before I knew the value of money and the cost of takeaways. You’d have to be a millionaire to be able to afford eating out all the time in London.’
‘I can imagine. The thought was nice though.’
Cara sighed wistfully. ‘I still live in hope. Perhaps I’ll win the lottery one day, you never know.’
‘What do they say? You’ve got to be in it to win it?’
‘Anything in particular you want for tonight?’ Cara asked.
‘No, I’ll let you choose.’
‘Okay. Have a good day.’ Cara called after her as Dee headed towards the front door. The door slammed shut and Dee was gone. Cara poured herself another cup of coffee and took it into the living room with her. She walked over to the window and watched as her mother got into her black convertible Saab. Despite their differences, Cara couldn’t help but admire her. She looked every bit the successful businesswoman that she was. The owner of an estate agency, she had built her firm up from scratch without asking for help from anyone.
Her mother’s get-up-and go attitude had always amazed her. Even as a child she could remember Dee waking up at the crack of dawn to go to her first job of the day, then returning hours later to take Cara to school before going to her next place of employment. That was one thing Cara could say about her mother, she wouldn’t let anyone or any circumstances keep her down.
Maybe it’s time I take a leaf out of her book.
Chapter Six
After trying to force feed herself the granola, Cara took a long, warm soak in the bath, easing some of the tension from her overwrought muscles. When she couldn’t bear the silence any longer she stepped out the bath and walked naked to her bedroom. It was a guilty pleasure and one that she couldn’t do very often when she’d lived with Jenny. Especially since Jenny didn’t have a social life and was always at home. She towel dried, then slipped into faded and tattered jeans and a long, floppy, tank top before heading out to the patio swing seat with a book that she’d found in her mother’s bookcase. She’d forgotten the simple pleasure of swinging gently to and fro, listening to the birds chatter and the wind chimes tinkle merrily. Taking a deep breath and releasing it slowly, Cara reflected that she couldn’t have imagined that being back in her formerly uptight mother’s home would be quite this relaxing. The sun warmed her bare feet and a gentle breeze ruffled her long damp hair as she cracked open her mystery novel, hoping against hope that it would transport her, at least temporarily, to another time and place.
Lost in her reading, Cara was startled when she checked her phone and realised it was after one and she still hadn’t been to the bank. Within minutes she was out the door and on her way to town. Stopping at her mother’s bank, she slid the debit card into the cash machine.
Jesus Christ! Am I losing my mind? Cara pressed in the numbers again. Incorrect pin number. She suppressed the urge to scream. One more try – if she got it wrong this time the machine was going to retain the card.
She jabbed at the keypad again with excessive pressure this time: 1-9-6-0. Surely she knew the year her mother was born. Not a bloody machine.
Incorrect pin – please contact your bank.
For god’s sake! Is this for real? Cara stared dumbfounded at the machine as if it would soon realise that yes her mother had been born in 196….oh shit, dad’s 1960 – mum’s 1959!
‘Fuck, fuck, fuck.’ Cara heard a loud tut of disapproval behind her. She turned slowly to see an elderly lady with a blue rinse hairdo, eyeing her as if she’d just spat on the Bible and declared herself the anti-Christ.
‘I hope you’re not too dizzy up there in your ivory tower,’ Cara said as she passed her and walked up the steps i
nto the bank.
Cara stopped in her tracks as she looked around the near-empty bank. Whoa… In her London branch people were normally queuing out the door at this time of the day. She walked straight up to the woman seated behind the customer service desk.
The curly haired woman with chubby cheeks looked up at her with a bright smile. Blimey – Cara had forgotten that one of the requirements of customer care was to actually smile at the customer. Most of the staff in London scowled at you as if they held you personally responsible for making them do a job they so obviously despised.
‘Good morning. How can I help you?’ Her tone was overly cheery.
Cara took a few seconds to find her voice. She peered down at the woman’s name tag. ‘Morning, Wendy. I have a bit of a situation. Well two, actually.’ Cara gave a self-conscious laugh.
Wendy’s smile never left her face as she leant forward and rested her hands on the desk. ‘No problem. I’ll see if I can sort it out for you, Madam.’
Cara gave the woman a condensed version of events.
‘Oh dear. This isn’t a good start to a Monday morning is it?’
‘No, it’s not.’ Cara refrained from telling her the rest of her pitiful life story; her girlfriend cheating on her and a mother who was dating her childhood boyfriend.
Wendy rose to her feet. ‘I’ll just have a quick word with my manager and see what we can do.’
‘Thank you, Wendy. I really appreciate it.’
Wendy smiled then retreated to the back of the bank and disappeared through one of the doors. Cara turned and gazed out of the window as the world went by, whistling under her breath. It had changed so much since the last time she had been there. As beautiful as Cumbria was with its scenic views and magnificent fells, there hadn’t been much excitement for her growing up. But now there were fancy restaurants and fashionable bars everywhere. She doubted there was a gay scene yet. Hopefully that would happen soon. Maybe it’s my destiny to open something here instead of London. The thought hit her like a bolt of lightning. Could she really do it? Open her dream business in Cumbria? Live near her mum again and dare she think it – Erin?
Cara had been toying with the idea with opening a gay coffee/book shop for some time now. She had the money in place – courtesy of funds left to her in her Nan’s will. She hadn’t touched it for years, choosing to let the interest grow until she found her true cause in life. Cumbria would be an ideal place to open one. It was virgin territory and she would like nothing more than to be the first person to break into it. She could just imagine it – a cool place to meet likeminded people. The name had already been chosen – ‘Chapters’. Her intention was to have gay and lesbian authors come and do readings from their latest offerings. Her mind buzzed with excitement at the thought. Now she was out of a job thanks to Maddie, it was something she would definitely look into.
Cara turned at the sound of Wendy’s voice. ‘If you follow me, my manager will sort everything out for you.’
VIP treatment, I like it!
Cara followed Wendy the short distance to the manager’s office. ‘Take a seat, she won’t be a minute.’
‘Thanks again for all your help,’ Cara said as Wendy gently closed the door behind her.
Cara looked around the bland office, painted in magnolia with a burnt orange carpet. Yuck! What did she expect, the colours of the gay flag? It’s a bank for god sake, she chided herself. Though she did pity the manager who had to sit in the small airless room all day.
Cara twisted around in her seat to look out onto the small courtyard behind her. If the manager sorted out her mess today, maybe she’d come back later with some flowers to cheer the place up a little bit. Lost in thought, she didn’t hear the door open and let out a loud gasp when a woman cleared her throat.
The woman laughed. ‘Sorry to startle you.’
‘It’s okay, I was miles away.’ Cara glanced up, smiling. Her eyes widened as her brain scrambled to put the dots together. Cute dimples. Piercing blue eyes. Though her dark hair was longer and her skin slightly more tanned, there was no mistaking who she was – twelve years or one hundred, she’d know this woman in the dark.
‘Erin!’
Chapter Seven
‘Hello, Cara?’ Erin stared back at her, deadpan, as if she was dealing with yet another faceless customer.
At that moment in time Cara wanted to be anyone but herself. She wanted the ground beneath her to swallow her up. ‘I…I didn’t… know you worked here.’
Erin threw Cara a puzzled look. ‘How would you? It’s been, how long?’
The question hung in the air like a heavy smog.
‘A while.’ Cara finally managed to say. This is not how she thought her reunion with Erin would be. In a bland lifeless office with an old discoloured wooden desk separating them. Cara wiped her clammy hands on her jeans. She had spent years imagining this scenario in her head, where she would finally have the chance to tell Erin why she had left so suddenly. To convince her that if she could turn back the clock she would have seen things through regardless of the consequences. In her fantasy she would have no shame in telling Erin what a coward she had been by running away. But sitting there now, having met her again so unexpectedly, Cara was completely speechless. When she finally managed to meet Erin’s gaze for more than a few seconds she was distraught to see no emotion in them – not even profound disappointment to find an ex-lover seated in her office. It was as clear as day that Erin hadn’t forgiven her.
‘I think twelve years is more than a while don’t you think?’ Erin’s heart-shaped face remained expressionless as she took a seat behind her desk.
‘I thought you’d have a lot more to say to me when you saw me again,’ Cara said.
‘Like what?’
Cara ran her hand across the smooth surface of her hair. ‘I don’t know. Shout at me, curse me, anything but this...’
Erin leant over to place some papers in the bottom drawer of her desk. Cara took a sharp intake of breath as she caught sight of the elegant curve of Erin’s neck. The very same neck she had rejoiced in snuggling up to on those long winter nights.
‘You’ve obviously forgotten I don’t do drama,’ Erin told her, clasping her slender hands together in front of her, sending a waft of her perfume in Cara’s direction. Cara wanted to inhale the delicate scent deeply – to lodge it in the membrane of her nostrils so she could take a part of Erin home with her, but Cara didn’t think snorting like a pig was going to win her any favours with the stoic-faced woman.
Cara slouched against her chair, feeling despondent. Her breathing filled the quiet room. She deserved to be treated like a stranger. What had she expected Erin to do – tell her how much Cara had let her down? How Cara had done the very thing she promised Erin she wouldn’t do – leave her, abandon her?
‘Did you ever tell Matt about us?’ Cara asked.
‘No. I came out to him a few years ago but I didn’t tell him about you.’
‘Don’t you think you should have?’
Erin shot her a serious look. ‘No and I’m never going to and neither are you.’
Cara held up her hands. ‘Okay, okay. I get the message. You’re gay and I’m straight if anyone asks, especially Matt,’ she said trying to make light of the situation.
Erin didn’t look the slightest bit amused. Cara’s mind thrashed around trying to find something meaningful to say. To move away from the past which held so much hurt and pain. The environment in which they sat wasn’t an ideal place for them to be discussing their past relationship. With the minutes ticking by and the tension growing thicker, Cara said the first logical thing that came to her. ‘So you work here then?’ She could have kicked herself. Obviously Erin worked here. She was the sodding manager and Cara was sitting in her office.
‘Uh huh. Five years now.’
‘Wow. I never pictured you as a bank manager.’ The words were out of her mouth before Cara could stop them. She rolled her eyes and mentally chastised herself. Way to go bl
abbermouth! Great way to make someone feel like they’ve settled for second best in life.
‘Oh?’ Erin raised her brows questioningly.
‘No, no, I don’t mean that in a derogatory way. I just never imagined you doing a desk job.’
Erin gave a careless shrug of her shoulders. ‘I never imagined a lot of things either. But what can you do?’ Erin picked up a stack of envelopes and began shuffling through them, keeping her eyes solely on them and nothing else. ‘So what brings you back to Cumbria?’
Cara froze. What should she say? Should she tell her the truth? How could she without making herself look like a loser – a failure who couldn’t keep her partner happy so she had to get it somewhere else. Nah, I think I’ll skip on that one. ‘Um.’ Her mind began to whirl like a storm. ‘I… er…was thinking of setting up a business here.’ Nice recovery!
Erin seemed unimpressed. The old Erin would have been jumping for joy, such was her enthusiasm for trying out new things. But this new, older version of the woman she once knew and loved didn’t look as if much excited her. It was a far cry from their teenage years. But wasn’t that what aging did to some people – the day-to-day drudgery just seemed to knock the life out of them? She never had Erin down for that type, though.
Erin placed the unopened envelopes on the desk and looked up at her. ‘Really? So you’re back long term?’
‘Maybe,’ Cara said doubtfully. If she was being honest she didn’t know what her plans were. These were questions that needed answering before she made any kind of permanent decision. Could she really risk opening her business in a remote place like Cumbria? Would she be able to live with her mum without the past souring their relationship? Was her partnership with Maddie dead in the water? ‘Let’s just say I’m not ruling it out.’
Did I see a tinge of interest just then or am I imagining things? Cara searched the unblinking depths of Erin’s eyes – no, it was her imagination.
‘Well if you’re interested we have business advisers who can help.’ Erin took a brochure out of her drawer and handed it to Cara.