by Jade Winters
‘Oh, Matt, I’m so sorry.’
A flash of pain streaked across his face. ‘It’s okay. She died in her sleep peacefully, so she didn’t suffer or have to go through anything traumatic.’
‘All the same, I know how close you all were.’
They stood in an awkward silence for a few moments. Cara kicked a few loose pebbles with her foot, thinking of a way to extract herself from the situation without appearing rude.
‘About that drink…’ Matt said the words tentatively as if testing the ground first. ‘How does Friday sound? That’s if you haven’t changed your mind.’
Her hands, hidden from sight, twisted nervously behind her back. Maybe she should spend an evening with him. If Matt knew the real her maybe he wouldn’t be so keen after all. ‘No of course not. Give me your number and I’ll call you, okay?’
Cara reached out and gave his arm a reassuring squeeze so he wouldn’t think she was just putting him off. He gave her a boyish smile before telling her his number, which she saved in her mobile phone.
‘Great, I’d better go, I’m making my mum dinner tonight.’ She rolled her eyes in response to his shocked expression. ‘Yes, I know. But I know how to cook now.’
‘Glad to hear it. I still have trouble eating lasagne without having flashbacks.’
They both laughed at the memory of Cara’s failed attempt at making the Italian dish – the layers of pasta were hard and burnt and the mincemeat swam in a tasteless tomato juice.
After a few seconds she finally said, ‘Anyway, it was great seeing you, again.’ She tried to maintain an air of nonchalance. Not knowing whether she achieved it or not, she bravely gave him a jaunty nod of her head and jogged away.
‘You too…’ he called after her, his hand raised in response to her wave, a puzzled look on his face.
***
‘Oh God, oh God, oh God…why do I have to keep up this sodding lie!?’ Cara said through gritted teeth. When she rounded the corner and was well out of Matt’s sight she picked up speed, her feet pounding out her pain and frustration as she pushed her body to its limits. She sprinted faster and faster, until she ran out of steam and walked the rest of the way home. She was thankful the house was empty so there was no one present to witness her harsh, gulping mouthfuls of air as they burst from her in a guttural rush. Dashing straight to the bathroom, she sank her weary body onto the toilet seat, closing her eyes as she berated herself. Cara had been out as a lesbian for most of her adult life. Coming back here and having to hide her sexuality again was like going back to the Stone Age. In London she was liberated and free. Here Cara felt like she had to hide her authentic self if she wanted to keep the peace. But what about her peace of mind – what price was she going to have to pay for that?
Cara didn’t want to live her life in the closet for anyone and if she had any true intention of remaining in Cumbria she wasn’t going to. It was obvious that Matt still had feelings for her and it was cruel of her to let him go on thinking he still had a chance. Cara felt as if she was leading him on through no fault of her own. She’d barely been back a day and emotionally she was in a worse state than when she’d arrived.
Cara was going to have to get a grip on the situation. The next time she saw Erin she would tell her that under no circumstances was she going to keep their relationship a secret from Matt. It was time for them all to face up to what had happened and move on. She couldn’t keep letting the past dictate her life or she’d be a nervous wreck.
Suddenly remembering her mother would be home shortly, she pushed herself to her feet, stripped naked and took a quick shower. Feeling refreshed and revitalised, she dressed in jogging bottoms and a vest and headed down to the kitchen to prepare dinner, pushing all thoughts of Erin and Matt to the back of her mind. Cara seasoned the tofu she’d bought earlier and placed it on a plate in the fridge. Gathering the ingredients she’d bought for a recipe found in one of her mother’s recipe books, Cara made a Mediterranean salad. If she was going to be forced to follow her mother’s healthy eating habits, the food was going to have to be half edible. From what she’d seen in the fridge, she’d have to be starving to even try it.
Retrieving her book from the living room, Cara went into the garden and curled up on the hammock then continued where she’d left off, forcing all thoughts of love and life to the back of her mind. It was an hour later that the back door opened and her mother appeared.
‘Good book?’ Dee enquired, with a pleasant smile as she walked over to the swing. Cara shuffled over to make room for Dee, patting the cushion beside her.
‘Awesome book,’ Cara enthused, wrapping her arms around her knees.
‘Really? What makes it awesome?’
‘The fact that it held my attention and let me forget about my life for a while,’ she admitted, shrugging slightly.
‘Sometimes it’s nice to be able to step outside of our misery for a bit,’ Dee mused, smoothing her hair. ‘I usually have a glass of wine after work, would you like one?’
‘After the day I’ve had I’d love nothing more,’ Cara said, following her mother into the house. ‘I thought you didn’t drink, what with this healthy living lark.’
‘Everything in moderation,’ Dee said, glancing over her shoulder.
‘Yeah I know…believe me I’ve tried.’
‘So, tell me about your day. You haven’t been back long enough to have got into any trouble,’ Dee said as they sat down at the table to eat.
Cara took a long sip of wine. It was her second glass and she was feeling super talkative.
‘You would have thought so wouldn’t you? But believe me it wasn’t of my own doing. First of all I bumped into Erin at the bank in town.’
Irritation flickered across Dee’s face. ‘Oh really?’
‘Yes. She treated me like I was a complete stranger.’ Cara waved her hand in the air nonchalantly and gave a short laugh to show her mother that Erin’s cold and melancholy behaviour hadn’t affected her. Even though the reality was different, she didn’t want Dee to know. Cara paused and waited for her mother to join in with the laughter.
Not even a ghost of a smile touched Dee’s lips. Instead she gave her a stern, disapproving look. ‘Well, you are really, if you think about it. What you knew of each other was as teenage girls with undeveloped minds. You’ve both grown a lot since then, at least I hope you have.’
Cara ignored the sudden hostility in Dee’s voice, determined not to have the pleasant evening spoilt over such a small issue. If she didn’t find it entertaining that was her prerogative.
Still smiling, Cara carried on. ‘And then I went for a run and I bumped into Matt…’
‘Ah Matt.’ Dee’s earnest eyes bore into Cara’s as she took a mouthful of food and chewed it. ‘I can’t believe he isn’t married yet. He’s such a nice young man. Any woman would be lucky to have him.’
‘I totally agree with you,’ Cara said truthfully. Any woman but her, she wanted to add, but she didn’t want to antagonise her. ‘Anyway, he asked me out for a drink.’
Dee’s critical stare soon changed to one of approval. ‘Really? That shows great character in a man to forgive, Cara.’ She jabbed her knife in Cara’s direction. ‘Make a note of that. After what you did to that poor boy it’s a wonder he even wants to talk to you.’
‘What I did to…?’ Cara willed herself not to bite. Not to play into her mother’s hands. This was what happened when she let her guard down. She berated herself for being so stupid. Would she never learn? ‘Thank God not everyone is as judgemental as you.’ She wasn’t going to play tit for tat and bring up the subject of Randal Matterson. Instead she placed her fork on the side of the plate and took another sip of her drink. Her appetite for food suddenly diminished.
‘I hope you’re going to call Matt and tell him yes.’
Either her mother was playing ignorant or she was just being indifferent – Cara couldn’t tell which one. ‘Mum, you do know I’m gay right? That going out for a drink with Ma
tt isn’t going to turn me.’
Dee’s eyes narrowed slightly. ‘Well, you were going out with Matt and his sister didn’t have any problem “turning you”, as you so aptly put it.’
Cara pushed her seat away from the table and stood. ‘That’s really below the belt, Mum, even for you.’
Cara grabbed the bottle of wine off the counter and fled up to her room without another word being spoken. She would never understand why her mother hurt her so much. Surely she knew how cruel her words were.
Her thoughts turned to London and the life that she had left behind. Why oh why did I come here? If living with her mother wasn’t good enough reason to stay away, then knowing there was a slight chance of bumping into Erin should have stopped her in her tracks. Maybe, subconsciously, she just loved all the drama that seemed to follow her. Cara polished off the rest of her drink and refilled her glass. The more she drank the more appealing an evening out seemed – with Matt or Jack the Ripper, she really didn’t care. Anything to get away from the house and that woman downstairs who only served to remind her what a total fuck-up she was. Fumbling with the keys on her phone, Cara sent a text message to Matt, agreeing to meet him. He texted back seconds later, letting her know that he was at the gym but that he’d call her back the next day to make arrangements for Friday. He ended his text with a smiley face, making Cara squirm a bit with latent guilt.
She threw the phone on the bed and paced back and forth in her childhood bedroom, trying to decide whether she had made the right decision. After all, having a drink with Matt ran the risk of having the past dragged up again. She was sure without a doubt that after a few drinks, and as they became comfortable in each other’s company, the conversation would move ever so slowly to her reason for leaving. She would never tell him the truth – the one that had nothing to do with her sexuality. The same way she would never tell Erin. How could she tell the woman she loved that she had left her because she was carrying her brother’s baby?
Chapter Ten
Erin patted the sweat trickling down the side of her face with a tissue and gave Matt a sideward glance as she lowered the speed on the running machine. ‘What’s got you looking all chirpy?’ After glancing at him she motioned to his phone. ‘You got a hot date with Claudia?’
Matt grinned. ‘Nope, with Cara.’
Though she had stopped running, Erin’s heart suddenly accelerated at the sound of Cara’s name. ‘Really?’ Her worst nightmare was coming true. They were going to get back together again. In spite of everything that had happened, all of the misery she had suffered, this hurt even more. It was becoming clear to her that Cara had indeed left all those years ago because she couldn’t cope with the guilt. Unaware of the turmoil going on in Erin’s head, Matt was re-reading his message from Cara, smiling to himself.
‘Yep, she’s meeting me on Friday for a drink.’
First a drink and then what? Back to Matt’s flat to…she couldn’t bear to finish the sentence, as an unexpected stab of jealousy tore through her heart. ‘Nice.’
‘What’s with the tone?’
Erin stepped off the machine and wiped down the handle bar with a tissue. ‘You’re imagining things, Matt, this is my normal speaking voice,’ she muttered uneasily.
‘If you say so. But remember, I’m your twin so I know you better than you know yourself.’
Erin was grateful that his statement couldn’t have been further from the truth. If it had been the case he would have known that she had fallen in love with Cara. Sometimes she didn’t know how she looked him in the eye. All those long nights sat with him whilst he cried like a baby, convinced Cara wouldn’t get back with him because she was seeing someone else. Though the guilt ate at her like a cancer, she had done her best to convince him that he was wrong. That Cara didn’t have anyone else in her life. Erin was in far too deep with Cara to walk away, she had considered it out of loyalty to her brother, but the pull was too strong. In the end it didn’t seem to matter – to Cara anyway. She had left them both. Not a goodbye, see you later, nothing. If Matt ever found out the truth – that it was his own sister that was the cause of their break up, she knew he would never forgive her. Even now after all these years. Maybe it was for the best if Matt and Cara ended up together. It would be karma righting her wrong
‘So, where you taking her?’ Erin asked as casually as she could.
‘I don’t know. We’re too old to go clubbing and too young for bingo so I thought I’d take her to Bears to do some karaoke.’
Erin couldn’t help but chuckle. ‘Classy, Matt, real classy.’
‘Alright, woman of the world, where would you take her?’ His lips twisted into a cynical smile.
Erin swallowed hard as her eyes drifted away. Her heart tripped pleasurably. I would take her in my arms and never let her go. Remembering that Matt was waiting for an answer she said, ‘I dunno. Maybe karaoke will be right up her street.’
‘Do you want to come as well?’
‘Wouldn’t that be cramping your style a bit?’
‘Are you crazy, of course not. It will do you some good to hang out with someone your own age for a change. You’re spending way too much time with Gramps.’
‘I spend time with him because I enjoy his company. What would you rather I do? Be like Claudia and spend my life shopping for clothes?’ She pulled her face. ‘Thanks, but no thanks.’
‘You could actually start dating someone.’
‘You know my motto Matt – no one to love you no one to hurt you.’
‘Yeah but you can’t keep hiding behind Gramps forever, Erin. He’ll be gone one day, then what will you do?’
‘Oh I don’t know, pretty much what I’m doing now.’ Living half a life. ‘I’m going to hit the showers. Do you want to meet up in the café for a coffee after?’
Matt shook his head. ‘I’m going to do the weight circuit in a minute. I don’t keep this great physique by sitting around drinking coffee all day,’ he teased, casting an admiring glance at his finely-shaped biceps.
Erin was only half-listening as she struggled with her inner demons. She blew him a kiss and headed for the changing room, still in a conundrum about Matt’s offer to join him for drinks with Cara. As much as her head was telling her to steer clear of Cara, her heart was saying the complete opposite.
Chapter Eleven
When Cara arrived in Cumbria, her plan had been a simple one – to hide out until she’d picked her self-esteem up from the floor before returning to London to resume her life. Instead, she found herself thinking about setting up her own business in her hometown and yearning for a long-lost love. Cara rolled her eyes heavenward when she heard familiar laughter from her mother and Matt downstairs. From the dribs and drabs of conversation she could hear, Dee was filling Matt in on the amount of time Cara still took to get ready for a night out. At least she isn’t exaggerating! She was thankful she hadn’t told Dee how much she was dreading the evening ahead. No doubt she would have told him that as well, such was her tendency to speak without thinking sometimes. But Cara had no one to blame but herself for the predicament she found herself in. She should have known better than to make drunk decisions.
Cara looked in the mirror and pulled a face. She had tried her best with the limited amount of clothing she had brought with her but still wasn’t entirely satisfied. She didn’t want to give Matt the impression she was looking for more from him than a few drinks. At the same time she didn’t want to look like a nun. Sighing, she decided upon a pair of skinny jeans, knee length boots and a black shirt. Her hair was artfully pulled back into a ponytail, with curly tendrils springing free here and there. She checked her reflection in the mirror, oh well, I’ve tried – I’ll have to do. Squaring her shoulders and taking a deep breath, she headed down the stairs.
‘Wow!’ was Matt’s familiar reaction as he jumped up from his seat.
Cara mused that he had said that nearly every time she came down to greet him when they were teenagers, except, of course, when
she had come down only wearing her night shirt when her mother had been away for the night. His reaction then had been much more breathy and profound.
‘Beautiful,’ he said, unable to take his eyes from her.
‘Thanks, you too!’ she returned, as was customary, surprised to find that she actually meant it. Matt was dressed casually in dark blue jeans with a white polo jumper stretched against his muscular chest.
‘I thought we’d–’
He was interrupted by the sound of the bell. All three pairs of eyes turned in the direction of the door.
‘Are you expecting someone?’ Cara asked Dee, with an anxious laugh. She prayed to God it wasn’t Randal. He was the last person she wanted to see. If the truth be told she was still a little apprehensive about seeing them together for the first time. Cara didn’t know what her reaction would be to her mum smooching with a man half her age.
Matt answered before Dee had a chance to respond. ‘Sorry, I forgot to mention, I asked Erin to join us this evening. I thought it would be like the old days,’ he declared with a sheepish grin.
Cara looked down the hallway and could see Erin’s outline through the frosted glass door. Her heart gave a sudden jolt. This was not something she had mentally prepared for. She wanted to run back up stairs and hide under the covers and make them all go away – all of them! Everything was moving way too fast for her. So much for easing my way back gently into my old life.
Dee gave a dry cough and pushed her seat away from the table, then rose to her feet. ‘It was nice seeing you again, Matt. Don’t leave it so long next time.’ She said it lightly but Cara could hear the intent behind her words.
Matt pecked Dee on her cheek. ‘I won’t. You can expect to see a lot more of me from now on.’ He turned to Cara. ‘Ready to go?’ Matt asked, jingling his car keys with a smile.
Cara looked into her mother’s eyes for a moment, trying to read the emotion there, then broke away, turning to Matt. ‘Sure.’ She smiled past her discomfort.