by Jade Winters
Hearing the door open, Cara spun around. She could feel the heat rising in her cheeks. Erin stood before her in a black, clingy, sleeveless mini-dress that complemented her tanned, toned body.
‘You look gorgeous,’ Cara finally managed to say.
‘So do you,’ Erin said, in reference to Cara’s own black spaghetti-strap dress that swirled when she moved.
Their eyes locked and neither woman spoke for a few seconds. Eventually Cara said, ‘Shall we go?’
Erin reached behind the door, grabbed her bag and slung it over her shoulder.
The short ride to Claudia’s apartment was made in silence. Each woman stared out of the window, lost in their own thoughts. Cara was trying her hardest not to stare at Erin. The sweet scent of her perfume was sending her crazy – she didn’t know how she’d control herself if she glanced at Erin’s exposed cleavage again.
They arrived at Claudia’s apartment block twenty minutes later. The impressive building stood in its own grounds, surrounded by a rolling emerald green lawn that spread down to a large lake. Erin led the way to Claudia’s apartment which was on the ground floor and knocked on the door several times before there was a response.
‘I’m coming,’ the much dreaded voice of Claudia shouted out from behind the solid oak door.
‘Great,’ Cara muttered to herself, as she braced herself for the look of displeasure on Claudia’s face when she opened the door.
To her surprise, Claudia’s reception caught her off guard as she played the perfect hostess; welcoming her with a quick hug and a warm smile before whisking Erin away to another room, leaving Cara standing alone in the spacious hallway.
The party crowd trickled in by twos and threes, all with the same look about them – over baked fake tans, blonde fake hair, sparkly fake fingernails, and dressed to the nines in designer clothes. The music soon started from a room at the back and the thumping beat from the base literally shook Cara’s insides. Feeling the urgent need for a drink, Cara found the kitchen and was just in the middle of popping open a beer when Matt walked in.
‘Just what I need.’ His eyes lit up as he took in her attire.
‘Not as much as me.’ She handed him her beer, picked up another one and took a swig.
‘This really isn’t your thing is it?’ Matt remarked as a squeal of laughter came floating into the room from next door.
‘Are you kidding? I love parties,’ she lied. She hated them.
‘I’m surprised you came.’
‘Why?’
‘It’s just that Claudia doesn’t exactly hide her dislike of you.’
Cara placed her hands on her hips and feigned offence. ‘Oh gee, Matt, and there I was thinking Claudia and I were going to be the best of friends.’
He stifled a laugh. ‘Sorry. The main thing is that Erin and I want you here.’
‘Matt, you’re here.’ Claudia squealed from the doorway and ran to him.
‘Happy birthday, babe,’ he said, giving her a quick squeeze.
Cara caught Erin’s eye from across the room as she placed the hors d’oeuvres she held in her hands on the table, and made a beeline toward her.
‘Sorry about disappearing like that. Are you okay?’
‘Yes, Mum.’ Cara leant into her, enjoying the intimate contact. ‘I feel safe just knowing you’re around.’
‘I hate parties,’ Erin confided in a whisper. ‘There’s a seating area at the bottom of the garden if you’d prefer to have a quiet drink?’
‘Sounds like heaven.’ Cara glanced at Matt and was glad his attention was focused on Claudia, who was literally climbing on him.
‘Come on then.’ Erin grabbed a bottle of wine and two glasses and they slipped away unnoticed, making their way to the bottom of the communal garden. They sat under the shade of the enormous oak tree on a circular, wood-carved bench. Even in the early evening the temperature was still in the twenties and the sky was cloudless.
Erin poured out two drinks and handed one to Cara, who toyed with it in her hand.
‘Hey, I saw you talking to Matt, you looked quite friendly together. I take it he still hasn’t got the message?’
‘Not quite yet.’ Cara blinked, took a sip of wine and stared out towards the lake. ‘If I’m totally honest, it’s getting harder each time I see him. I can’t help thinking I’m leading him on.’
Erin looked at her, panic-stricken. ‘You’ve not changed your mind have you? I thought we decided it was for the best that he didn’t know.’
‘No you decided on that course of action. But don’t worry, I won’t tell him the truth, but I’ll have to come up with something other than having a boyfriend. He’ll only ask where he is and want to see pictures of him – I promise I’ll protect you. Erin, I don’t want to hurt either of you again. Ever!’
‘Is that why you left me? To save me from the guilt I felt about going behind Matt’s back?’
Cara put her glass on the grass and shifted along the bench, closing the distance between them. She reached out and took Erin’s hands in her own. ‘No, that wasn’t it.’
‘Cara, please just tell me. Help me understand.’ Tears trembled on her lashes. ‘If you didn’t want to be with me...why didn’t you just tell me?’
‘It had nothing to do with you. I was in shock. I was scared…I didn’t know what to do.’
Erin’s grip tightened around Cara’s hands. ‘Oh my God. Cara, were you ill? Is that why you left?’
Cara took a deep breath. She couldn’t keep it from her any longer. She was confident that Erin would understand. ‘No, Erin. I…I was…pregnant.’
‘Pregnant!’ Erin blinked rapidly. Tears slowly rolled down her cheeks. She wiped them away with the back of her hand. ‘A baby?’
Cara dropped Erin’s hands and turned away. It still broke her heart to remember that period of her life, let alone talk about it. It was torturous to think about the soul that had been part of her no longer being there.
A sob caught in Cara’s throat. ‘She was Matt’s child.’
‘But how, you hadn’t been with Matt for the six months we were together?’
‘I was pregnant all that time and I didn’t even know it. My periods were always hit and miss so I never thought much of it. It was during that time I kept feeling sick and the doctor suggested a pregnancy test. Well that was it…she confirmed it and I didn’t know what to do. I was a kid and I was scared. Can you imagine what my mum would have said if I’d have told her?’
When Erin remained silent, Cara continued, ‘Exactly. God knows what she would have made me do. I would never have heard the end of it. Anyway.’ She paused for a few seconds, taking time to gather her composure. ‘I had a still birth when I was eight months.’ Cara pushed the words out. It was the first time she had spoken of it in years.
Within seconds Cara felt herself being pulled into Erin’s arms, being rocked back and forth in a slow motion. Cara wrapped her arms around Erin’s waist and yielded to the compulsive sobs that shook her body.
‘I’m so sorry, Cara.’ Erin squeezed her tight and kissed the top of her head. ‘I’m so sorry.’
After several minutes of silence, Cara drew back slightly. ‘I’ve come to terms with it now. It was so hard at the time. I was angry and hurt. I thought God was punishing me for being with you. I know it sounds crazy, but it was the only thing I could think of why I lost my baby girl.’
‘I wish I could have done something.’
Cara swallowed hard and bit back the tears. ‘There’s nothing you could have done – nobody could have helped me. I had to find my own way out of my grief. It just took me a lot longer than I imagined.’ She smiled sadly. ‘She’s always with me now. I named her Erin, after you.’
Erin gently wiped away a solitary tear that rolled down Cara’s face. ‘Oh, Cara, I wish you would have let me be there for you. To support you, to grieve with you.’
‘I was scared to tell anyone. I thought no one would believe me. I mean how could I not know I was pregnant?
When I missed my periods I thought it was just stress. You know – the break up with Matt, all the shit with my dad and his affair…’
‘I would have believed you, Cara.’
Cara reached down and picked up her drink then pushed herself to her feet. She took a long sip as she gazed at the view. ‘I know you would have. But I wasn’t thinking straight. If my daughter had survived I would have come back for you.’ Cara glanced down at her. ‘We would have worked something out. You’ve got to believe me.’
‘I know we would have.’
‘But hey, it is what it is, nothing I can do about it now,’ Cara went on. She drank deeply from her glass again.
‘Cara, Erin, I wondered where you two had gone,’ Matt called out as he trotted towards them with a smile. ‘What are you two up to?’
‘Uhhh…nothing,’ Erin stammered. ‘Cara wanted to come and see the boathouse.’
‘I don’t blame her. It’s more peaceful here than that mad-house back there. Erin, can I have a quick word with Cara?’ he asked, giving Erin a quick wink.
‘Of course, if that’s okay with Cara,’ Erin said uneasily.
Cara gave her a reassuring smile. It felt as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Now that Erin knew the truth she could finally close one chapter of her life and they could both move on. Whether it would be in the same direction remained to be seen.
‘Okay. I’ll nip up to the flat and see if Claudia needs any help, I’ll see you both up there in a bit.’
‘Are you trying to avoid me, hiding down here?’ Matt said when Erin was out of sight.
‘I’m not hiding. Just enjoying the view.’
He closed in on her. ‘Cara, I need to tell you something,’ he began tentatively. ‘I can’t stop thinking about you. It’s driving me insane.’ He pulled her towards him and crushed his mouth against hers.
Cara struggled against him trying to extract herself from his enclosed arms. Just when she thought she was going to have to knee him hard in the balls she heard a loud scream behind them.
‘Matt what the fuck are you playing at!?’
Chapter Fourteen
‘I can’t believe I was right.’ Claudia scowled as she tossed her blonde extensions over her shoulder. ‘There is something going on between you two!’
‘Claudia, it’s not what it looks like,’ Matt turned towards her, his face completely pale.
‘Do you think I’m bloody blind?’
Cara caught sight of Erin running towards them. Thankfully she must have heard the commotion from the flat. She hoped Erin would be able to sort this mess out because Cara had no idea what to say. She couldn’t exactly tell Claudia that her eyes were deceiving her and Matt wasn’t trying to force his tongue down her throat. Claudia may be a lot of things but she didn’t think stupid was one of them.
‘Hey, what’s going on?’ Erin asked when she eventually came to a standstill. She looked at each of them with a puzzled expression.
‘Ask these two,’ Claudia spat vehemently. ‘By the looks of it they were trying to catch up on old times...and on my birthday as well!’
Cara sighed. She knew all about being betrayed on a special day.
‘Matt, are you going to explain to Claudia what you were doing?’ Erin asked.
Matt looked nonplussed. ‘I...um...’
‘You remember,’ Erin pressed. ‘What you told me earlier, about wanting to make sure that you didn’t have any feelings for Cara left.’
‘I did?’
‘And that you knew if you kissed her one last time you’d know how you felt about her for sure.’
Matt grinned, finally catching on. ‘Oh yeah, yeah that’s right.’
Claudia narrowed her eyes. ‘And?’
‘And.’ Matt glanced at Cara then back to Claudia. ‘And... there was nothing there.’
Cara stared at the three of them with her mouth wide open. Was Claudia actually going to buy this crap? By the look on her face she was. Maybe Cara was wrong about her not being the sharpest tool in the box.
‘Come on guys lets go back to the flat. We’re just getting ready to have some shots,’ Erin said, coaxing them to move with her arm.
Claudia glared at Matt before her face broke into a smile. ‘Okay, let’s go and have some fun.’
Disaster averted, Cara shot Erin a grateful look. ‘Yes, let’s.’
Cara watched as Claudia held onto Matt’s arm as they headed back towards the building. She was behaving as if she hadn’t just caught Matt with another woman. Cara shook her head. Oh how great it must be to be so trusting. Maddie would absolutely love Claudia!
***
It was well after two in the morning when Claudia’s guests started to trickle out noisily and make their way home. Cara made multiple trips back and forth to the living room and garden, bringing empty glasses, bottles and bowls to the kitchen, while Erin and Matt made the rounds with a large plastic rubbish bag. Cara had managed to avoid being alone with Matt for most of the evening. But every opportunity he got to corner her, he was more than apologetic about his behaviour by the lake. She believed him when he said he didn’t know what had come over him. She had never known him to behave in such a way. Over all Cara was happy Erin had invited her – it had been a fun-filled party despite the earlier drama.
Unexpectedly, Cara and Claudia ended up side by side in the kitchen – Claudia rinsing dishes and Cara loading them into the dishwasher.
‘So…’ Claudia began carefully. Cara braced herself, waiting for the inevitable. ‘Just for the record you’re sure there’s not anything going on with you and Matt?’
‘No, Claudia, I promise you,’ she said, focusing on the dishes that Claudia handed her one after the other. ‘We dated as teenagers. Matt is a great guy, but I don’t think that it could ever work out for us long term. We’re two very different people now.’ This wasn’t the time to inform Claudia that she was gay and was in love with Matt’s twin sister – even if she did think it would hold the woman’s fears at bay.
‘Are you sure he knows that?’
‘Look, Claudia, I came back here for personal reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with Matt. Trust me, you have absolutely nothing to worry about from me in that regard.’
‘I’m happy to hear it.’ Claudia smiled. ‘It sounds like you’ve moved on in a healthy way.’
‘I have,’ Cara agreed, wondering why Matt couldn’t.
Chapter Fifteen
Cara awoke the morning after Claudia’s party with a dull headache and realised that she had probably indulged in too many of the numerous beers Matt had passed her way. She trailed down the stairs in her nightshirt, head in her hands, desperate for a cup of Dee’s Honduran brew. Her mother had gone to yoga without her, mercifully letting her sleep in. There was a note on the coffee pot letting her know that everything was set up, all she had to do was push the button for her morning relief. Cara opened the fridge door; there was nothing in Dee’s house to eat that was even remotely unhealthy. Closing it again she groaned. She was madly craving something loaded with simple carbs, fat and sugar – items that were conspicuously absent from her mother’s tidy kitchen.
Cara heard a soft rapping and Erin’s cheerful voice at the back door. She went to open it and grinned, despite her pounding head, when she saw a box full of Krispy Kreme doughnuts in her hand.
‘Oh my God, how did you remember?’ Cara said.
‘As I recall, someone we both know “always” has to have a sugar rush to recover from a night of…socialising,’ Erin teased, presenting the box like a sacred offering – which seemed appropriate the way that Cara was feeling.
Cara ushered her into the kitchen. ‘Erin, you’re my hero!’ She took the box from her and flipped the lid open, selecting a chocolate glazed doughnut.
‘And I even brought you a decent cup of coffee,’ Erin said, lifting up the paper cup in her hand.
‘With three sugars?’
‘Of course, how could I forget?’
‘You
’re the best,’ Cara declared through a mouthful of food.
‘I do try.’ Erin chuckled, reaching into the box for a glazed ring doughnut.
Cara closed her eyes in rapt appreciation of her favourite hangover cure, and when she opened them again she saw that Erin had taken a seat across from her at the table and was studying her thoughtfully.
‘What?’ she asked, licking a blob of chocolate filling from her thumb.
Erin glanced away. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to stare; it’s just sort of surreal sitting here with you in your mother’s kitchen. I didn’t think that would ever happen again.’
Cara swallowed hard and took a long drink of her coffee before answering. ‘I never really expected to be back here for any length of time either, but I’m actually really glad that I came. After our talk the other day I’m starting to see what you mean about my mum’s happiness. I just wish she’d look at my life the same way.’
‘If you can come around and accept her decisions maybe she’ll do the same for you.’
‘As much as I’d love for that to happen, I don’t think it will. It’s always one-way traffic with her. It always has been. I tried to stop pleasing her a long time ago.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘I hope I have,’ Cara countered, wanting to change the course of the conversation. ‘By the way I don’t think I thanked you enough for saving me from a potentially very embarrassing moment. I think Claudia was looking forward to dunking my head in the lake.’
‘Don’t worry, her bark’s worse than her bite.’
Erin picked at her doughnut for a few seconds, putting the small pieces into her mouth one at a time. Cara knew she was stalling. It was an old habit of Erin’s that she apparently hadn’t lost.
‘So do you think you could be happy coming back here for good?’ Erin asked softly, gazing soberly at Cara. ‘With all the…memories?’
Cara shrugged. ‘Well, I’d have to say happy is too strong a word for how I’m feeling right now, but I’ll be just fine. Always am.’ Cara hoped that she sounded more optimistic than she felt, squirming a bit under Erin’s keen-eyed scrutiny.