by Jade Winters
‘Erin, any news?’ Cara said, as she dropped into the seat next to her.
‘He’s with a bunch of doctors, getting all sorts of tests done, but no one will tell me anything.’
‘I’m sure they’ll inform you as soon as they know something.’
‘I called Matt to let him know but he didn’t answer. I left a message.’
‘I’m sure he’ll come as soon as he can.’ Cara held Erin closer, burying her face in the softness of her hair. They both looked up, startled, when a shadow fell over them. It was Matt. His face was distorted in anger.
‘Do you see what you’ve both done?’ He stabbed his finger at Erin. ‘You put him in here. If Gramps dies you’ve both got blood on your hands.’
Cara jumped to her feet and spun Matt round by the shoulder to face her. ‘Jesus, Matt, have some compassion will you? Can’t you see the state your sister’s in?’
He looked down at Erin with disgust. ‘She’s no sister of mine. You’re both dead to me.’
‘You’ve had enough upset for one day, Matt,’ Claudia said, coming towards them. ‘Let’s go to the canteen and get something to eat, I could eat a horse,’ she said, tugging at his arm.
‘Okay,’ Matt said quietly, reaching out and taking Claudia’s hand. ‘I’m so glad you’re here, Claudia. At least someone’s got my back.’
‘Always, babe,’ she cooed, as she led him away like a puppy on a lead.
Cara and Erin watched them go in stunned silence. Cara mentally counted to ten – it was all she could do not to go after Matt and give him a piece of her mind. How dare he lay the blame on Erin? All she had done was care for and love her granddad. To say such a cruel thing at a time like this was way below the belt. No doubt Claudia had been whispering in his ear, trying to make things worse than they already were.
Erin’s expression was pained as though she’d been physically wounded. ‘Do you think he’s right, Cara? That this is all my fault?’
‘No, I don’t and don’t you dare think that either. Matt might be upset at the moment but that still doesn’t give him the right to treat you that way.’
Erin sighed. ‘What a night, aye. I wonder what will happen next.’
Cara looked at her quizzically. ‘Next?’
‘Yes, I’m sure you’re familiar with the saying that bad things happen in threes.’
***
The incessant buzzing from her mobile phone woke Cara. She had nodded off in a slightly more comfortable chair in the intensive care waiting room. She looked around at the other people who had also been on an overnight vigil and, like her and Erin, had succumbed to an exhausted sleep. Several of them were still dozing.
Cara scrambled to her feet as her mobile played a silly ringtone. I really need to change that. She inadvertently knocked against Erin and put a hand on her leg in apology as she pressed past her to leave the room so as not to disturb the others.
‘Hello?’ she said, as soon as she was sufficiently far away from the sleeping group of people.
‘Cara?’ Dee’s voice said down the phone. ‘How are things?’
‘Mum?’ Cara asked in confusion. ‘What time is it?’
‘A little after nine,’ Dee answered and then went on quickly, ‘I heard what happened with Erin’s granddad, how is he doing?’
It didn’t surprise Cara that the news had spread already. Nothing much changed in a small town where everyone knew each other. ‘He’s still in intensive care.’
Cara rubbed her hands across her face, wishing she could wipe away the image of all those tubes and machines attached to Erin’s granddad. It was hard to see him looking so pale and helpless. Tears pricked at her eyelids. ‘He’s critical but stable, whatever that means.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ Dee said. She paused before continuing, ‘I know it’s a terrible time for Erin. If she needs anything just let me know.’
‘I will do, thanks.’
‘Okay. I know you need to get back. I won’t disturb you again. I know how militant those nurses are about mobile phones.’
Cara nodded, even though she knew Dee couldn’t see her, and all she could manage to say was, ‘Thanks, Mum. I really appreciate your call. Matt is being a right bastard.’
She heard Dee inhale deeply. ‘I take it you broke the news to him then?’
‘Yes, I’ll explain more when I get home.’ Cara let out a sigh as she ended the call. She stood for a few moments, feeling overwhelmed. Life was coming at her from all sides and she wondered if she had enough strength in her to make it through the long day that stretched in front of her. She sighed again and returned to where Erin was sitting, waiting for her.
‘Your mum?’ Erin asked, as Cara dropped back into the seat next to her.
Cara nodded, suddenly unable to trust her voice to speak without the tears that were burning her eyes making their way down her cheeks. She swallowed them back. That was the last thing Erin needed. She wouldn’t say it out loud, but in her heart she felt she was the only one to blame for Erin’s granddad’s condition. All she had done was bring a whole lot of stress to their lives.
Chapter Forty-Five
Erin could not believe the way Matt was behaving. It was as if some other entity had entered his body. She stood at the hospital’s entrance inhaling some much-needed air, then wandered mindlessly over to the hospital’s smokers’ shelter to get out of the rain, feeling the impact of Matt’s accusation burning red hot in her brain. Her stomach clenched and she wondered if she was going to throw up. Erin stopped amongst several patients wearing their nightwear, and they all stood in silence, listening to the rain pounding the plastic roof.
Grey clouds of smoke swirled around her face before dissipating in the wind. She stared out, not seeing anything, the words being repeated in her head on a continuous cycle. Her eyes pricked with tears and she blinked a few times to dispel them.
‘Are you alright?’ one of the female smokers asked loudly. Her face was pale, with dark shadows underneath her eyes. Erin gave a half-hearted nod and moved away from the woman slightly, into a space just vacated by someone who’d finished their cigarette and had braved the rain again. She had no desire to talk to anyone; the words in her head were screaming at her, demanding her full attention. She couldn’t possibly make small talk.
‘You look a bit stressed.’ The woman gave her a tight smile and shook her head. ‘Not that I blame you. I also hate hospitals. It took me passing out when I was shopping to get me in here.’ She coughed whilst still putting the cigarette to her lips and taking a long drag. ‘I don’t trust these doctors. Half of them don’t know what the hell they’re doing.’
Erin breathed in deeply and leant back against the wall of the shelter, closing her eyes, wanting the woman to stop speaking so that she could think. She hoped the woman wasn’t right, seeing as her granddad’s life lay in the doctors’ hands.
‘Your husband in here?’ the woman asked.
Erin sighed. She wasn’t going to get the silence she craved. ‘No, my granddad,’ Erin said, looking up at the roof, wishing the heavy rain could wash away the conversation she’d had with Matt. Wash away the words, leaving her mind clean and fresh and not dogged with the awful news that she was still trying to process.
‘Erin!’ a female voice called out.
Erin’s heart skipped a beat and she looked around. For a moment, she thought that it was the doctor calling for her. That there was an emergency and that her granddad had taken a turn for the worse. Then she realised that was hardly the sort of thing they would do. When she twisted around to look behind her she caught sight of Cara dodging the puddles that the rain had left. Erin hadn’t even realised that it had stopped raining. She smiled faintly at the woman and walked towards Cara.
‘Erin,’ Cara said when she reached her, bending over, placing her hands on her knees, trying to catch her breath, ‘Your granddad…’
‘What’s happened?’ Erin asked, panic in her voice.
Tears were in Cara’s eyes wh
en she looked up at her. ‘I’m so sorry, Erin. Your granddad’s gone.’
Chapter Forty-Six
A week had passed and Cara was determined to help Erin get through the most heart-breaking time of her life. The time they had spent together at Erin’s flat had mostly been quiet – sitting on deckchairs at the marina in the evening with a glass of wine. Cara was there to listen if Erin wanted to speak about her loss, or she filled her in with what was happening at the coffee shop when Erin wanted her mind consumed with thoughts other than her granddad’s death. Matt had not been seen since the day at the hospital. Which was a good thing, as far as Cara was concerned. The fact that he had implied Erin had been somehow responsible for their granddad’s death was deplorable. Thank God no one else saw it like that. Erin’s parents had returned to Cumbria to arrange the funeral. Matt had told anyone who would listen about his evil twin and her deviant lover but no one paid much attention. People that mattered actually cared that Erin was grieving and knew she didn’t need any more upset in her life.
Cara had been respectful and kept out of sight as the family went about sorting out all the necessary arrangements, only going to Erin’s for a few hours each evening. She was mindful of Erin’s wish to be alone during the night.
The night before the funeral, Cara turned up on Erin’s doorstep with an overnight bag. Cara thought it would be a good idea to stay so she could be there first thing in the morning when Erin awoke. She knew how tough the day of the funeral was going to be and wanted to make it as tolerable for Erin as she could.
‘I thought I’d stay overnight I can help you with anything that needs doing in the morning.’ Cara first noted something was wrong when Erin looked at her overnight bag.
‘Oh it’s okay. I don’t mind sleeping in the spare room or on the sofa,’ she reassured her. The last thing that was on either of their minds was sex and Cara wanted to let Erin know she was aware of this.
‘It’s not that,’ Erin said, averting her eyes. ‘Look I appreciate you wanting to be there for me tomorrow, but I don’t think it’s a good idea that you come.’
‘Sorry?’ Cara did a double take. ‘What do you mean – you don’t want me to be by your side?’
‘Yes of course I do. More than anything.’
Cara hesitated, blinking in bafflement. ‘So what’s the problem?’
‘Matt has kicked up a fuss. He’s told my parents if you’re there he won’t attend.’
‘He’s pulling shit like this about your granddad’s funeral?’
‘I know. I hope you understand.’
Cara hesitated, torn by conflicting emotions. ‘No, not really. This is how it’s always going to be, isn’t it? The fact that he knows now doesn’t change anything. You’ll be forever waiting for a pat on the head from him. He’s using your guilt as a whip to punish you.’
‘It’s not –’
Cara let out a long, audible breath. ‘Yes it is. I know this is really bad timing, Erin. But I can’t do this any more. If Matt can’t find it in his heart to forgive us then that’s his loss. But I’m not going to let him dictate my life. You need to find who you are, Erin. One day you’re going to realise being a twin doesn’t define you. Your brother is not the judge and jury of you, either.’
‘I thought you understood. Matt is still important to me regardless.’
Some of Cara’s anger evaporated, leaving only sadness. ‘I do, Erin, but I thought I was too. Obviously there isn’t enough room for both of us.’
‘So that’s it?’
‘Yes that’s it. I did it the wrong way – I did it the right way, and neither worked. In both situations, I end up without you.’ Cara’s voice was raw with emotion. ‘There’s nothing else I can do. I accept I’ve lost the battle.’ She swung her bag over her shoulder. ‘I hope all goes well at the funeral tomorrow, Erin. Your granddad was one in a million and you were so lucky to have each other.’
It was the end. Cara could admit that to herself now. There was no going back.
Chapter Forty-Seven
It seemed like the whole village turned out for Erin’s granddad’s funeral. She doubted half of them knew him personally, but all of them had some kind of connection with him seeing as he had been part of their community all his life. These past few days, Erin thought the pain from her loss would kill her. She knew his death was inevitable – at ninety-two he’d had a good innings, but that was the worst thing about death; it never gave you the opportunity to say a proper goodbye.
The soft cry of a baby at the back of the chapel jolted Erin out of her daze. Wearily, her eyes travelled to the animated figure stood at the head of the chapel. Bill, her granddad’s best friend, was giving an eloquent, yet robust, eulogy about the great man her granddad had been. A ripple of laughter filled the room as Bill told tales that she knew her granddad himself would be enjoying if he were still there. Erin turned to Matt, who sat a few seats down next to their parents. His head was bowed and she could just about see Claudia’s hand resting on his leg. She wondered if this was their future now. Them – meaning Matt and Claudia, against her. She missed her brother so much and needed his support. But he had been nowhere to be seen; instead choosing to treat her like an outcast whilst he spent time with Claudia.
It was the sound of music that broke Erin out of her reverie. Erin stood and followed the throng of people out of the church to the burial ground where her granddad would be laid to rest with her Nan. Despite the warm temperature a cold breeze blew around the open plot. Erin glanced across at Matt. How could your own brother turn on you like you were a stranger? Although she didn’t blame him for being angry they could at least talk about things and try to find a way to move forward. But if this was the way he wanted it, so be it. Watching her granddad’s coffin being lowered into the ground Erin realised she didn’t care. Nothing mattered any more.
At the reception Erin did her best to cater for the sombre guests. Matt hadn’t turned up which was for the best. She didn’t need to feel any worse than she already did. Despite putting on a brave face for most of the day, inside she wanted to go and hide in a dark room and never see daylight again. She had lost three of the most important people in her life and didn’t know how she was ever going to get over it.
Later that evening, when the mourners had departed, her parents sat her down in the living room. Her mother had cried nonstop all day and it didn’t look like the tears were going to abate anytime soon. So it was left to her father to give her the talk she had been expecting since Matt had told him of her betrayal.
‘What were you thinking, Erin? To get involved with your brother’s girlfriend? Didn’t we teach you any morals growing up?’
‘Dad, do you really think this is the right time to be talking about this?’
‘If not now, when?
Erin stood up and began gathering the empty glasses together. It had always been the same with her parents – Matt could do no wrong. They had conditioned her to always put him first. But no more. She was done nannying Matt. He was a grown man and it was time he started acting like one.
Erin held her father’s gaze. ‘How about never? I’m thirty years old. I’m an adult who takes responsibility for my actions. I don’t go whining to people when crap happens in my life. You’re condoning his behaviour by even asking me to discuss it with you. What happened, happened twelve years ago. Twelve bloody years ago.’ The glasses she held in her hand dropped to the floor. Her parent’s eyes fell to the shattered shards. Erin ignored them. ‘We buried granddad today!’ she cried. ‘Where’s your compassion?’
Erin stepped over the glass and strode towards the door. She stopped abruptly and spun around. ‘What you ought to be concerned about is not my morals but your son’s lack of courage to move on with his life.’
Chapter Forty-Eight
Dee sat on Cara’s bed trying to talk her out of going back to London whilst she packed – again. Cara had hired staff from a recruitment agency to run the coffee shop. This time, there wasn’t anyth
ing her mother could say to change her mind. There was nothing left to keep her there.
‘I just think now that everything is out in the open, there’s no reason that you can’t stay here and make a life for yourself,’ Dee insisted. ‘Matt will surely come around and be your friend again in time, and Erin…well, Erin needs you more than ever now. Cara…think about it, you have a future here.’
‘Mum, we’ve been through this, I need a new start. I need to get away from here, away from all of the emotional stress that’s been dragging me down, and make a new life for myself. Remember, you’re the one who told me that I need to keep moving forward.’
Dee sighed. ‘I know I did, but I guess I was just hoping that maybe you could move forward a little closer to home,’ she admitted with a smile. ‘I understand, I really do. All of the flack that I’m giving you is simply because I’m going to miss having you here. It’s been so wonderful since you’ve been back.’
‘I know, I’ve enjoyed being here with you too, Mum, but let’s not forget…it won’t be very long until you’re living as husband and wife with your toy boy.’
‘There is that,’ her mother said, smiling in defeat.
Cara zipped her case closed and stood it upright on the floor. Dee rose from the bed and took Cara in her arms. Cara tried her hardest not to cry and would never have imagined feeling so profoundly sad at leaving her mother. When she was younger she couldn’t wait to get away from her. How things changed over time.
‘Are you sure you don’t want me to give you a lift to the station?’ Dee said.
‘No, it will only make things harder.’
‘You’ve always got a home here, Cara. You know that, don’t you?’
Cara nodded. ‘And I hope you’ll come down and visit me in London with Randal.’
‘You can count on it,’ Dee assured her.
There was a pause in their exchange. Cara took a step towards Dee. ‘Well I’d better go. Love you, Mum.’