It seems so funny, writing down a lifetime of love in just a few pages. Passing my fingers over each word I wrote, I wonder if I conveyed it all in a way they would understand.
I met Theo the first night I was announced to the world as William’s wife. I didn’t lie to Theo. I thought he was the most beautiful man I ever saw. Yes, even though he is a giant of a man, I could tell he was kind and gentle. I watched him that night, walking around in his monkey suit, constantly grabbing and pulling at his collar, he seemed as uncomfortable as I did in the room. He caught me laughing at him under my breath and he smiled at me. For some reason it made me blush. I felt like a schoolgirl getting caught eyeing her secret crush. I didn’t know what to do but then William got my attention, introducing me to more guests, then finally to Theo. Shaking Theo’s hand made me nervous, made me want to get away from him as quickly as I could. The attraction I had for him scared me. Luckily William pulled me away, distracting me from the thoughts that were taking over. When he was finished parading me around the room like a new toy, my eyes roamed the room for Theo, but thankfully he was gone.
Over the next year, I would see him often. He was working his way to becoming an underboss. He was invited to all the same functions and parties, but I quickly noticed, he didn’t hold the power my husband or the other men had. However, I overheard them talking of him with respect. My husband and his associates said he would make a fine underboss one day. At the time, all I understood was that he was feared. Not like William but in his own right. Theo was working for several of the underbosses, handling any problem they had. This is how I still run things today.
When a man starts to make a name for himself, we test him. We pass him around, doing jobs for all the underbosses. They watch him and report back to me. If the man passes all the tests, when it’s time for another to step down or to be thrown out, we put the young blood in his place. This process takes years, and unless you’re born into this life, it’s almost impossible to even be considered. That is, unless you’re special, like Theo. Theo made his own name, made his way up the ranks, not from being born into it but by hard work and dedication to this life.
I couldn’t help but be impressed with him and William was too. William took him under his wing and had him working for him constantly. The more I understood, the more I knew this was an honor bestowed on Theo.
During this time, Theo was around the house more. I would catch him watching me here and there, causing me to blush. As with any guest, I played the perfect host. I would invite him to sit and fix him something to drink while waiting on William to finish with another meeting. It happened often. In the beginning, we were both too shy to start a conversation. It began polite and simple, discussing the weather. It progressed to him asking more personal questions, trying to get to know me. When he spoke, I hung onto every word. Theo made me giggle and feel like he was only there for me. But when I became pregnant with Gabriel, it all stopped. No more caught glances making me blush. No more conversations. Part of me was disappointed but the other part was happy. Theo, who I thought was becoming a friend had purposefully gone out of his way to ignore me without seeming disrespectful and William was being more attentive. I needed to forget any school crush I had and Theo's distance made it easier.
William and I started trying harder to make things work. There were times in our marriage we were happy, especially during this time. Like I’ve said many times, I thought there was a chance for love between us but in true to nature form, William always showed his true colors.
When Gabriel wasn’t but a few months old, I found out about William’s mistress. I could handle a mistress but then I found out about her pregnancy. Everything I thought I had, was being threatened. I confronted William and he laughed at me like I was a child. Like I had no right to be upset. He told me she and the baby meant nothing to him, that I and Gabriel were his world. I believed him not because I wanted to, but because I needed to.
William thrived on what he thought was my jealousy. There may have been some jealousy, but it was more fear. Fear of being thrown out with nothing and the inability to provide for my son. Or worse, being thrown out on my own, separated from my son. I pushed my emotions aside and continued trying to make it work with William. We would enjoy days on end of being a family then he would disappear. I knew in the back of my mind he was with her, but again, I would push it aside because when we were together as a family, I saw William trying as hard as I was. However, the last straw for me was when Vincent was born, and William purposely proved to me that he would do what he wanted. I quit caring and quit trying. I went back to being cold; not showing him any emotion when it came to him and his mistress. I refused to give him what he wanted, which was my possessiveness of him. His idea of love. That’s when the devil started coming out to play. He had slapped me around a few times but now he started hitting me full force. His drug usage also became heavier.
If he thought beating me was going to force me to love him or beg him to stop seeing her, he was wrong. All it did was make me pray he would go to her. At least then, I would find peace with just me and Gabriel.
Others started taking notice of my state. Seeing me trying to cover the bruises but I wasn’t an expert at that time, I tried though. Paul would come when William had gone too far. He would clean my wounds and stitch my cuts and look at me with such sympathy. I hated it, especially from a man who made a living off of putting me back together. Then there was Jeffery, who was constantly around the house. He kept to himself, always looking the other way but he knew it all. I left them both be though. How could I attack them for looking the other way? I couldn’t blame them. I knew what would happen if they tried to intervene. They did too. So, let them do their jobs and kept my mouth shut.
I felt alone again, like I was before my pregnancy. Everyone that came in and out of our lives, ignored the problems we had. They too, knew their place and didn’t allow my obvious abuse sway them from it. Except for Theo, he was still keeping his distance but now he would watch me, and I could feel his anger coming off of him.
It was nice to see someone reacting to it, but I also feared for Theo. We weren’t close at the time, but I knew for some reason he couldn’t ignore his feelings much longer.
One afternoon, Theo arrived at our home for a meeting he had planned with William. The problem was, William hadn’t been home for almost two days. I was positive I knew where he was and again I didn’t care.
Jeffery came to my room, saying that Theo Trahan was downstairs. I could’ve asked Jeffery to handle him, but I had a need to see him. I went downstairs and saw him waiting in the foyer.
Closing my eyes, I remember descending from the stairs, seeing him waiting with his back turned to me and feeling a sense of relief.
“Mr. Trahan.”
He turns to face me and smiles. My breath hitches but I continue acting like the perfect wife.
“I’m sorry but William isn’t here right now. You could wait but unfortunately I’m not sure when he’ll be back.”
As I walk closer to him his smile starts to fade. I stop in my tracks, seeing his reaction. Without a word he walks closer to me. Studying my face, I can tell he sees the faded bruises. But what surprises me is he reaches out and touches the side of my cheek. The feel of that small touch was electric. My eyes close and one tear escapes. For the first time, I showed someone a reaction. I don’t know why I did it, but it felt right.
“I’m sorry.”
My eyes open in horror to hearing him say he’s sorry. He was standing here offering me his pity. He could have said anything but that.
I back away from his touch and tell him, “I don’t want or need your sympathy Mr. Trahan.”
“I see that, Mrs. Stern but what do you want?”
It’s the first time someone has asked me what I wanted. Confused for a minute at the question and not knowing what he was truly looking for, I threw his question back at him.
“What is it that you want Mr. Trahan?”
His smile returns. “I think you’re an intelligent woman Catherine. I think you know exactly what I want. You also know I can never act on it.”
He pauses for a minute and puts his hands in his pockets. “How about we start off with something simple. I want you to call me Theo.”
He licks his lips and shows me a sincere but cocky smile. “Mr. Trahan… I mean Theo, would you like something to drink while you wait?”
“Yes, Catherine, I would love one.”
Following me to the living room, I offer him a drink from the bar. But he points to the coffee that Jeffery has already set out. After fixing us both a cup, we sit. At first, it’s awkward, neither knowing what to say. He starts by asking me about Gabriel and my face lights up with such joy as I tell him all about my son. He even laughs at some of the things I tell him. On a pause, he gives me a serious look.
“Is that why you stay and tolerate what William does to you?”
Feeling uncomfortable, I stand, walking to the French doors. “What would you have me do Mr. Trahan? Do you think I have a choice in how my husband treats me?”
He doesn’t say anything, so I go on, “You know who William is and the kind of control he has. Do you really think I’m in any position to dictate to my husband? Do you think he would really let me go?”
Knowing I’m right, he doesn’t even try to respond. Then I ask one more question, “Do you know where he is right now?”
Again, he doesn’t say anything.
“He’s with his mistress and her son. You think I’m naïve? I know who my husband is and what he does. The only saving grace I have in all this is for the time being is she is his entertainment, not my face or body.”
Turning, I look at him, seeing the shock on his face. “Are you shocked that I know or that I’m okay with it?”
“I’m not sure.”
“I need my husband Mr. Trahan. Not for love, that’s not what our marriage is for. But I need him for my son and for that I will allow him the luxury of her and whatever else he demands. So, don’t give me your pity. I know what I’m doing.”
“Fine Catherine. I won’t give you my pity. But answer me this, what if he wants more? What if he doesn’t want you anymore, then what? If there is anything I have learned in this world, it’s you have to fight for everything you have. And you always have to have a backup plan. I suggest you learn that quick and make one.”
Standing, he says, “I like you Catherine, you know I do and you know it can never be. But because I like you, I’m going to give you a piece of advice. I know your husband, and I’ve been seeing him slipping. Everyone has. Why do you think I’m here as much as I am? William has me doing the things he should be doing. Everyone knows it. I hear them all whispering. He’s not the powerful man he once was and if you’re not smart, when he falls, you will fall with him. I don’t know when it will come but if he keeps going like he is, it will come. Then you will be left with nothing more than the pathetic drugged up abusive husband he truly is. And if you’re lucky, you might find yourself a widow. Either way, then what? Where will you be and where will your son be? Oh, and Catherine, that’s if they allow you and your son to live. Being his wife, you will be feared for what you know. These men aren’t playing.”
He starts to walk off but stops and turns back around. “I wasn’t shocked by his mistress or son. Everyone knows. I was shocked you knew. William is crueler than I thought. I knew he wouldn’t be here. I came here for you. Listen to me. You say you’re not naïve, then prove it. I see the hurt in you, not from just William. I don’t know your whole story or where you came from, but I can tell by your eyes it wasn’t a good place. You’re tough, use it. One of you has to be. William is too gone to see what’s happening. Open your eyes. You want to keep what you have then you better start planning.”
Without another word he turns and walks out the front door.
My eyes open from the memory. It was because of Theo I started opening my eyes to what was going on. It was no longer about fearing his mistress but his failure to stay at the top. If he couldn’t stay on top then everything I had been through with him was for nothing. I would still end up with nothing or dead. Me and my son’s lives depended on his power. I knew in that very moment I had to act, I had to figure out how to start controlling things because Theo was right. William was getting worse.
From there, I made a plan. I used Vincent’s mother to my advantage. But first I had to get her clean. Then I used her to occupy William while I tried to learn the business. I also paid her for any information he would mention, or she could extract from him. I didn’t care how small or insignificant she thought it was, I wanted it and it worked. She gave me names, times and places. It helped but not enough. Some information she gave me was useless because I didn’t know all the players and the hierarchy of them all. That’s why I needed Theo.
I turn the page in my journal and remember seeking him out, asking for his help.
William left this morning for a business trip. This is my chance. I have no choice but to find Theo and hope his feelings for me will make him want to help me.
The way I hear it, Theo’s opening a strip club. It’s early, but I don’t have anyone else I feel comfortable asking for help from. So, I take a car, hoping he’ll be there. Pulling in to where I heard the club is located, I see it isn’t operational yet. But I notice one vehicle in the parking lot. I get out my car and pray that it’s his. Going to the front door entrance, I knock.
There’s no sounds and no one comes to the door, so I knock again. Then I hear him yell, “We’re closed!”
“Theo! I need to talk to you!”
He opens the door and looks out above my head, looking in both directions, then yanks me inside.
“Did anyone see you come here?”
“No.”
“Are you sure? Did you tell anyone?”
“Yes, I’m sure and no, no one knows I’m here.”
He walks away leaving me standing there. “What do you want Mrs. Stern?”
“Mrs. Stern?”
“We’re alone. Your husband doesn’t know you’re here. I think we should keep this to a more professional level, don’t you?”
“Theo, I need your help.”
He chuckles and says, “Theo, now? The last time we spoke, you were the one being professional with Mr. Trahan.”
“You know why!”
“Do I? What do you want?”
What do I want? Again, he asks, but this time I know exactly what I want and need. I walk up to him slowly, not stopping until I am right in front of his chest. Without saying a word, I stand on my toes, grabbing his shirt by its collar, pulling him down to me. He shows no resistance, staring at me waiting to see if I’ll finish what I started. Closing my eyes, I kiss him softly on his lips. At first, he doesn’t move. But then, his hands come around, pulling me closer to him, locking me in place. His mouth opens, and he takes charge. He pours all his pent-up energy into that one kiss. I can’t help but let out a moan. His eyes snap open and he immediately stops, then pushes me away.
“You need to leave!”
“Why?”
“You know the fuck why! Are you trying to get us both killed?!”
“No! No! I don’t want that. But you asked me what I wanted, I showed you.”
“You can’t do that, Catherine!”
My head falls in shame. “I thought you wanted me.”
I jump back when I hear the sound of him throwing a chair across the room.
“I do fucking want you! You know that! But you know I can never have you!”
I start to walk towards him, but he backs away again.
“You can have me. I want you.”
“Don’t!”
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t play with me Catherine. You think the big man is nothing more than a dumb brute? What do you really want. How can I be of service to you?”
I look off to my side trying to figure out how to explain it to him and still get h
is help. Looking back at him, I give him the truth.
“I do want you. I have since the first night we met. But right now, Theo, I need you.”
“For what?”
“I listened to you and took your advice. I’ve been gathering information, but I can’t figure out all the players. Will you help me? Can I trust you to help me? Like you said, I need to learn quick.”
He eyes me for a while, thinking trying to figure out if he can go against my husband. I’m about to tell him not to worry about it but then he tells me to sit. We agree not to discuss the kiss or our feelings. We only discuss business. From then on, Theo becomes my teacher. He fills in all the blanks and is surprised by the information I have. Some he knew and some he had no idea about. He decides to help me because he sees how this could benefit him too. We agree, shaking hands and I leave.
For the next month, that’s all that happens between us. I knew I could trust him. He was teaching me and sharing all of it; the worst of the worst. He teaches me about everything my husband does. Things I had no idea about. Things that would get him killed if I betrayed him. I learn all the ins and outs of the business. Starting with the racketeering. I’d been to a few games where William holds nightly underground gambling. Underground was a word used for behind the scenes action because back then, gambling was not legal in the state. Theo teaches me how William takes a percentage from the bets, to cover any debts that cannot be paid. Debts he sticks his neck out for, which, in fact, makes it illegal. If he would just hold a game and not take a cut from the table, it would be considered legal. There’s all kinds of tables and gambling going on. Not only poker, but blackjack, and craps too. He also runs all the illegal gambling in the entire state. He allows others to run operations as long as he gets a percentage from every table. William also has bookies that work under him, but he controls it all. Theo goes on to explain that besides gambling, William provides muscle for other states when certain jobs need to be done. Then Theo teaches me about how William launders some of the money. I find out William uses vending machines, like those for cigarettes. He also uses, gaming tables, like a pool table or something as simple as an ice hockey machine. My head is spinning with all the information I’m taught. I knew some of it but had no idea how it all worked.
Art of Survival: Part One (A Stern Family Saga Book 5) Page 14