“Oh I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I wasn’t expecting anyone to be with Mrs. Stern.”
Cherry waves her hand. “Not a problem. Hi, my name is Cherry.”
The doctor shakes her hand. “Hello, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Dr. Sandra Borne. It’s so nice to finally have someone here for Mrs. Stern.”
“Well I would have been here sooner, but you know, Catherine has a hard head. But don’t worry Doc. I plan on being here from now on.”
Raising a brow at her tenacity, she turns and sits in a chair. The doctor takes her stool and starts typing in her tablet. Then looks at me and asks,
“So, I assume I may speak frankly in front of your friend?”
Before I can answer, Cherry brazenly answers, “You sure can. That’s what I’m here for.”
I simply nod my head looking at Cherry. Part of me wants to shut her up and then there is a part of me that is grateful to her.
Dr. Borne starts reciting all my options for treatment and the details of my cancer’s progression. Cherry listens intently, making sure she understands every word. She even stops the doctor in between to ask questions. When everything is said, I tell the doctor the same as I always do, thank you, and I understand but I’m still holding off. Before another word can leave my mouth, Cherry stands and asks about my chances of survival if I go through with all the doctor wants me to do.
“When I did her lumpectomy, she was at a stage one and I was able to remove it all. But I still recommended the mastectomy because the chances of it returning was high. We know the cancer is back now and it seems to be more advanced but until we do a biopsy, we have no idea how advanced. But in my opinion, she still has a fighting chance.”
Dr. Borne turns to me and says, “Mrs. Stern, I know it doesn’t feel that way, but you do. I’m not going to lie to you. It will be hard, but I think I can remove it all. With treatment and your will to live, you can go into remission. There are many cases of survival at any stage of cancer. Some lived the rest of their lives in remission and the ones whose cancer returned, they had been in remission for years. I even have a patient who was in remission for fifteen years. You can live a happy long life. This doesn’t have to be a death sentence, if you start now.”
Hopping off the table, I tell her, “You mean, if I let you mutilate me. If I allow you to put poison into my body, killing not only the bad but the good. For a chance. I think I would rather live whatever life I have left, to its fullest and leave this world as I am.”
Without another word, I walk out the room, leaving Cherry behind. I have to get out of here. I don’t stop, I keep walking until I’m outside and the feeling of fresh air hits my face. I take a deep breath when I finally no longer feel the death that surrounds this place. Then I feel Cherry’s hand on my back.
“Come on Catherine, let’s go.”
She applies pressure to my back, leading me towards my car. The gesture is comforting and right now I’m appreciative for her. She breaks my thought when she says,
“Keys.”
“What?”
“Give me your keys Catherine. I’m driving.”
Looking around the parking lot I ask, “Where’s your car? How did you get here?”
“Zander, how else. It didn’t take long before all your sons found out about your appointment. They were all demanding that they were coming today. I told them no. I said you didn’t need to be ganged up on right now but that I was going to be here. So, I guess you owe me one. You’re welcome. Now give me your keys.”
Without any hesitation I toss her my keys. “Where are we going?”
“Unless you’re wanting to go home, I’m hungry. We have a reservation for lunch.”
“You thought of everything, didn’t you?”
“Always do.”
She drives us to the restaurant and the hostess brings us to a private table in the back.
After we sit, I ask, “Do we need privacy or something? I thought this was just lunch.”
“It is but I think we might have a few choice words for each other and I don’t want people to see the great Catherine Stern being put in her place.”
I start to rise from my chair, pissed at her for thinking she can corner me.
“Sit your ass down Catherine.”
I finish rising but before I can walk off she says, “Sit and shut up. You owe me remember? Don’t make me call in reinforcements.”
Looking around to see if anyone heard her, I sit back, crossing my arms, trying to convey to her that I’m running low on tolerance. She just returns the look with a smile.
The waiter arrives, taking our orders and Cherry orders us a bottle of wine. Once he’s gone, she starts,
“So, my friend, how long to do you plan on holding out?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Theo. When do you plan on calling him and making things right?”
Looking down at the table, I answer, “He’s made his choice. I’m not calling or begging him to come back.”
“You are one stubborn woman.”
Looking up in shock at her audacity to call me out, she starts laughing. The waiter interrupts with our bottle of wine and salads. As soon as he leaves, I tell her,
“You have your nerve Cherry.”
“Yes, yes I do. But Theo is still here, waiting for you to make him come home. Murphy’s not.”
“You should understand more than anyone why I’m not calling him and why I’m not doing what the doctor wants me to do.”
“I understand that I left for love. I loved Murphy with all my heart, but I couldn’t be the reason he gave everything up. I couldn’t be the cause of his demise.”
“Then you understand.”
“Hell no! What I did and what you’re doing are two different things.”
“How so? You know why, you know! The minute I show weakness.”
“Shut up Catherine!”
“My Murphy was by himself. Your boys, have each other. You trained them. They are what you made them to be.”
“They’re not ready!”
“Bullshit! You’re not ready. You still look at them like they’re babies. I get it. I still look at Murphy as my baby. But they are grown men Catherine! They can handle it. Especially if they stay together.”
“You don’t get it.”
“Oh, I get it! You’re just afraid to let go.”
“Let go! How the hell do you want me to let go? They have no idea what will come.”
“Then teach them.”
“I don’t have time to waste. Didn’t you hear the doctor?! I’m going to handle it all so that when I go, they will be secure.”
“You are so full of shit, Catherine. They are ready. Trust them, show them what they need and then take care of yourself.”
My hands fly up and go into a prayer position. I want to tell her off. Instead, I lay my head over my hands, looking off to the side. Taking a calming breath, I pray for her to stop.
Silence follows then I realize she is filling my glass with more wine. Running my finger over my brows, trying to release some tension, I pick up the glass and start drinking.
“That’s it my friend, drink. No more talk for now. You’re ruining my appetite.”
I almost choke on my wine.
“Cherry, you’re something else.”
“I know, but would you be sitting here if I weren’t? Who else would put up with you?”
We enjoy each other’s company throughout our meal. We even order another bottle of wine. It’s not until the second bottle is almost finished before Cherry speaks again about my situation,
“Catherine, just have the damn mastectomy.”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Damn it Cherry. Stop! You fucking know why!”
She shuts up and drinks her glass of wine then she eyes me like she is about to give it to me.
“You’re scared.”
Looking around the room to make sure no one heard her, I look back at her and s
ay,
“How fucking dare you! You know there is nothing I’m scared of.” Shaking my head, I tell her,
“Not anymore.”
She leans over the table getting real close. “You are Catherine. I see it. I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out why you’re being so damn hard headed, you’re scared. I know you’re scared of leaving your sons but there’s something else.”
Cherry pushes back into her chair, staring at me. What the hell?! Where does she get off?! Right then our waiter returns, interrupting us. As he’s picking things up, we both catch him looking at me and then he smiles, flirting. I might be older than him, but I’m still very well put together. I know when a man, any man, notices me. Unfortunately, so does Cherry. As soon as he walks away, Cherry starts smiling like a she just had the best meal of her life.
“What’s wrong with you? It wasn’t that great.”
“No Catherine, I just figured what you’re truly scared of.”
“Cherry when will you stop with this shit. Just leave it alone.”
“Afraid I can’t. You’re vain Catherine.”
“What?” I start laughing. “Vain?”
“Yep. You are so damn vain. You’re scared to lose your beauty.”
“That’s fucking ridiculous!”
Cherry smiles and says, “I agree! I think you are scared to leave your sons like I said before, but you’re scared to lose your edge.”
Tilting on her side, she crosses her legs and raises an arm over the back of the chair. With a shit eating grin she says, “I’ve watched you for many years Catherine. Don’t think I haven’t noticed how you’ve used your looks to manipulate men. Hell, I’ve seen you use it on some of the most powerful men in this country. Is that what you think Catherine? Is that all you give yourself credit for, being beautiful?”
“You’re crazy!”
She shakes her head and says, “I don’t think so. Catherine, I’ve witnessed you build this empire and take it over from William by using men and don’t tell me you haven’t. I know it all. Don’t forget. I knew about Theo and I knew about Richard.”
“How the hell…”
“Come on Catherine. I was more than a stripper and I’m more than these stupid breasts. Give me some fucking credit. No, fuck that! Give yourself some!”
“Cherry…”
“No Catherine, enough. I finally understand you’re scared of losing it. Your breasts and the looks. Catherine honey, Theo will still love you.”
She’s partially right. My looks are a factor. I am scared to leave my sons handling all the shit that will come when people know I’m sick. I plan on using my time to make the moves that are necessary, so they won’t have to. But I am terrified of losing myself. And yes, I say myself because my whole life has been based around my beauty. All of it. William used to tell me I was lucky men desired me. Because without it I would be nothing. He drilled that into my head every chance he could. Making me feel like I was worthless except for what men desired from me. The perfect looking piece of meat on their arms. Richard wanted me because of my beauty. Even Theo. He always told me how beautiful I was. I’m scared to not only be frail but look it too. What will I do without my breasts? What about the chance of losing my hair, the weight? All of it will having me looking unrecognizable.
Cherry breaks my concentration, by handing me a napkin. I didn’t even notice, I have tears coming down my face.
“Catherine, you can have reconstructive surgery. The doctor told you that. And the treatments won’t last forever. Your beauty will come back.”
She reaches for my hand and leans in. “You will always be Catherine Stern. You don’t need anyone’s approval or attention. You have already proven yourself in this world. It’s time Catherine.” She slaps her other hand over her breasts hard. “You see these. They are a pain in my ass, but I have made a living off of them, so I get it. But they are not who I am. They’re breasts Catherine. Not me.”
I chuckle out loud. “Then you try living without them.”
“Listen to me, I would in a heartbeat if it meant my life. I would cut them off myself.”
“Theo loves my breasts. Do you know the last time we made love, he didn’t want to touch them? I had to force him to.”
“Theo loves you, not your breasts. In fact, right now honey, he hates them. They are trying to rob him of the love of his life. He doesn’t care about those damn things.”
I start crying uncountably, standing, Cherry comes over holding me in her arms.
“Catherine, you’re more than this. More than you know.”
No, no, no. Not this, not her pity. I practically shout out while pushing her away, “What? What am I? You don’t know shit! I’ve had enough of all this! You all think you know what’s best for me. But It’s my life, my body, mine!”
She has that look again. That sympathetic look. I stand telling her, “You have no idea Cherry. You used your beauty to get a man! One man! I used mine to build a fucking empire! You think you know what I am going through. You have no idea!”
“It’s alright Catherine to be sad or to…”
Going into a rage, I don’t even care if anyone hears me. “Sad?! I’m not sad Cherry. I’m fucking pissed. I’m mad all the time. I get pissed off even more, thinking of all the times I could have or should have died. But no, those times weren’t good enough. Now, I have to be mutilated. Well, fuck that! I will leave this world like I want but not until I’m ready. Not until I’m finished with everything I have to do!”
Grabbing the keys off the table, I turn around and walk out, leaving her standing there, speechless. Not today, not tomorrow, not until I decide, will I go down!
Back at home, I bypass everyone even when they start asking me what’s going on. I go straight to my bedroom slamming and locking the door.
I know what Cherry said makes sense. Hell, if she thought I haven’t already thought and dwelled on it, she’s nuts. I’m not stupid, and I’m not playing games here. So what. So I’m vain but my looks are the only thing I’ve had going for me for so long. I used to be able to get the attention of any man I wanted, and I did it often. Using my looks to get the damn doors to open for me. It might have been my looks that opened the door. But I’m not so vain to know that it took more than my beauty to keep me on the inside. But any woman who says they don’t use their feminine wiles at least once to lure in something or someone they want, well, they are lying.
Cherry thinks she has it all figured out and yes, some of what she said about my beauty is a factor. How can it not be? Who the hell is Catherine Stern without her looks?
Walking to my bathroom I start unbuttoning my blouse, needing a bath to calm my nerves. When I look in the mirror, I freeze, stunned by how funny it must sound for me to be vain. I pass my fingers along the new lines in my face. Time is fucking with me one way or another. None of us have the luxury of staying young and beautiful. My neck is even starting to show age. My hands slowly slide down to my breasts.
These are my breasts, mine. What woman wants her breasts removed? Does Cherry and everyone else think it is such an easy decision? It’s my decision, and mine solely. I don’t know any woman who wants to jump up voluntarily and say, “Here, go ahead, do it now. Cut them off.” We’ve always been taught they are part of being a woman. We allow men to gawk at them, allow them to become our essence of womanhood. We take pleasure from them. I even fed my children with my breasts.
If I do this, I know what will happen. I’ve seen the repercussions of the treatment plan. The doctor says hard but that doesn’t even begin to describe what I’ve seen, and I know hard.
I’m trying so hard, so damn hard not to ask why. But, haven’t I gone through enough in my life? How much more do I have to do in order to keep surviving? Haven’t I already sacrificed enough? I am so tired of fighting. So tired of having to prove myself over and over again. Now I have to be mutilated in order to live.
It’s my life, my breasts, my choice. They all need to leave me alone. I’ve
had enough of them all demanding shit from me. Everyone has always demanded something from me, even my children. I gave and gave. Sacrificed all. I am tired. Can’t they understand?
Looking back in the mirror, I’m shocked by what I see. The look. Self-pity. When the hell did I become this person? Taking the first thing I see on my counter, a perfume bottle, I throw it at the mirror breaking it in shards of glass surrounding me.
That’s not me! I’m not that girl! I’m Catherine Stern! There will be no pity.
I will do what has to be done in order to guarantee the future of all that I’ve created and long enough to guarantee my sons can control it. Then and only then, will I decide what to do about myself because if everything goes under, then all my life was for nothing, and it can’t be. I won’t let it be!
19
Avery
I can’t sleep. So, here I am sitting in a barely lit living room, thinking of my husband. Liam’s in so much agony over the possibility of losing his mother and I want to be here for him. But the problem is, I’m suffering with it as much as he is. I can’t and won’t think of a life without Catherine in it. She has been more of a mother than Margaret ever was.
Dragging my tired eyes to the clock on the end table, I see it’s well after midnight. I rub my belly. It’s still upset from earlier. My nerves have been so bad lately with everything going on. Seeing Liam come home like he did the other night had me almost telling him my surprise, but I couldn’t. How could I, especially now? This place has always been lively and full of loud voices. Things I never had growing up. Now, it’s like she’s already dead. Everyone walks around with their heads down and the tension is unbearable.
Suddenly I hear noise causing me to jump up, scared. A lamp turns on and I see Catherine in a state of disarray. She wobbles with every step she makes, and it has me worried.
“Catherine, oh my god, are you alright?”
As she comes closer I smell the booze. “You’ve been drinking.”
“I have. Ran out though. What are you doing up?”
“I couldn’t sleep. I thought you were in your room.”
Art of Survival: Part One (A Stern Family Saga Book 5) Page 20