“I was. I was going to take a bath, but I changed my mind.”
She walks past me, turning on another lamp in the living room. Then heads straight to the bar. With more light, I notice she’s barefooted and in the same clothes she was in earlier. I’m taken aback. I’ve never seen her like this before. Her hair is even down, she looks disheveled.
Catherine asks, “You want a drink?”
“No, I’m fine. Thank you.”
“Suit yourself.”
I watch her as she pours a shot of whiskey, then grabs the bottle. Again, she wobbles past me to get to the sofa. Then she surprises me by throwing her feet up on the coffee table, finishing her drink. Pouring another one, she tells me,
“I feel like getting drunk.”
“Seems like you’re drunk already.”
She tilts her glass in my direction and winks at me.
“Should you be drinking?”
She sends me a look that automatically shuts me up. With my mouth closed, I sit on the sofa with her as she pours her third shot of whiskey. We sit in silence for a long while, until I ask,
“Want to talk about it?”
“Nope.”
This is the freaking problem. This is why we’re all upset, she doesn’t want to talk about it. Well, it’s not good enough. Frustrated, I blurt out,
“I am so damn mad at you right now!”
She groans and says, “Join the club. Everyone’s mad at me. Hell, I’m even mad at me.”
With my head down, in a lowered voice, I tell her, “I’m pregnant.”
She turns toward me stunned and smiles, “Oh Avery, my sweet Avery. You’re going to be a mother.”
Catherine scoots closer and tries to hug me, but I put up my hand stopping her. “I’m still mad at you.”
I start crying uncontrollably. “Shit, these damn hormones.”
“Aww Avery, it’s going to be alright, you’ll see.”
“No! Nothing will be alright. I’m tired of everyone saying that around here. Do you not know what you’re putting us all through? Don’t you care? This should be the happiest time in me and Liam’s lives and I can’t even tell him or anyone because we’re all worried about you.”
“Liam doesn’t know?”
“No, he doesn’t know! At first, I was waiting until I knew for sure things would be fine. Then we were busy with Brittany and Vin’s wedding. Now this. How can I tell him now? This is not the way to learn you’re going to be a father, right when your mother tells you she’s wants to die!”
“Want?!”
“Yes, Catherine. Want! How else do you explain it? You’re not going to fight so you tell me what it is then?”
She thinks on what I said for only a minute, then pours another damn shot. Changing the subject, she asks,
“How far along are you?”
I shrug my shoulders, “I’m a little further than Murphy. But like I said, I was waiting until everything else had passed. Murphy just blurted hers out.”
Catherine laughs. “Yes, she did.”
Through my tears, I can’t help but snort out a laugh too.
“I can’t do this alone Catherine. I need you.”
She just stares at me, so I go on, “Murphy said, her mother thinks you don’t want to fight because you don’t think your sons are ready to handle the business. What they’re not ready for, is you dying! Cherry also says you’re scared to lose your beauty, because you are a stubborn ass woman who is vain.”
Putting up a hand in defense, I stifle back a laugh and continue, “Her words not mine. I think she’s right though. But I think there’s more. You’re scared of it all. The loss of your beauty, protecting the family, but I think it’s also because you don’t think you deserve to be saved or happy.”
“Jesus Avery, I’m so tired of everyone analyzing me.”
She stands with the bottle in her hand and throws the glass in the empty fireplace.
“None of you have a right!”
I stand mad as hell. “Of course we have a right! Tell me I’m wrong and I will leave you be. But you can’t, can you?”
She stares at me unwavering. Then turns and gets another glass from the bar.
“I know you feel that way because it’s how I felt, and I know you went through a lot more than me. But like you taught me, you do deserve to live Catherine.”
When she still says nothing I go on, “We all need you. Don’t you understand that? I love you Catherine. You’re like a mother to me. I don’t want to have this baby without you. I need you to teach me how to be a mother.”
“Avery, you have a mother.”
“No, Margaret might be my mother, but you are the one who showed me how to stand on my own two feet. You’re the one who gave me the strength to live again. Without you Catherine, I wouldn’t be here.”
I fall back on the sofa, crying my eyes out. “I’m mad at you because you’re giving up. You wouldn’t let me give up. I thought you had all the nightmares beat, but you don’t do you? I see the way you’re looking at me. I’m right, aren’t I? You don’t feel like you deserve to be happy and alive.”
“It’s different Avery. I’ve done things, horrible things.”
“You did them all for a reason. You talked to me about forgiveness and told me to forgive myself, but you were full of shit. I see it in your eyes. You haven’t truly forgiven yourself.”
She sits down. “I have Avery. The problem is, I don’t deserve to be forgiven. The things I’ve done are unforgivable.”
“That’s not up to you. You might be the boss here, but you are not the almighty. He will choose your path. All you have to do is be willing to fight.”
I look at her and tell her my truth, “If you don’t fight Catherine, I will never forgive you. You taught me to be strong and brave and most of all, to fight for my life. I need you to now fight for yours.”
She shakes her head and takes another swallow of her whiskey. “I’ve been fighting all my life Avery.”
“I know, but you can’t give up now. You deserve to see Liam’s child and Zander’s. You’re having new grandchildren. That is supposed to be your reward for fighting all those years. Now you’re supposed to be happy with your family and with Theo.”
“Avery, I don’t want to talk about it anymore. There’s so much you don’t understand.”
“Then make me because you’re right, I don’t understand. No one does.”
“All you have to know is I will not leave this world without giving every one of you the ammunition you need to keep going.”
“What does that even mean, Catherine?”
“It means, things will change around here. They have to.”
She lays her head back and turns to look at me.
She asks, “When are you going to tell Liam about the baby?”
“Well to use your words against you, when you decide to get your head out your ass.”
I stand, walking out, leaving her in the living room while she laughs at my last words.
20
Catherine
This morning, I wake early, feeling a hangover from hell, but I push forward. Popping some aspirin, I dress and manage to leave the house before anyone comes down for breakfast. I don’t want to see their judgmental faces. But there is work to be done and I will face one of them very soon. I’m sitting in Murphy’s office at our second casino, waiting for her to arrive. There’s a lot to go over and a lot she still needs to learn. Today, I plan on making sure she does.
Getting antsy, I stand and walk around the office, looking at all the photos on the wall. She hasn’t changed one thing in here. We worked for so long changing the whole casino, but she never touched a thing in the office. I guess it makes her feel closer to her father in a way.
For me, it’s a reminder of how my husband gave Murphy’s grandfather the permission he needed to open his own casino. Giving me competition. William knew how bad I wanted this property and instead of helping me, he went behind my back and allowed them to build
their own. It’s one of the reasons I wanted this casino so bad. William claimed it was a smart business move and it was. We got a healthy percentage of everything that came in and out of this casino. But to me, it was slap in my face. Now it’s mine.
Taking a step forward, I stop directly in front of one photo in particular. Remembering the first time I walked back in here to meet Murphy for the first time. This picture, had me frozen in time just like it has me now. It’s like it stares back at me, taunting me with all the fake happy faces, Murphy Sr., Tony Guidry, Michael Toups, William and me. It’s a photo Cherry took of us the same night my husband drugged and had me raped by Tony and Michael.
Remembering the past is always a tricky thing for me. When I think of my children, my memories are happy and peaceful but as I look at this picture, I’m not sure what I feel. Part of me wants to cry but then part of me stares at it with venom in my eyes. I remember the rape, but I also remember the revenge. How sweet it was.
At that time, I was still seeing Richard. Theo was still around, coming back and forth to the house for William. I had even seen him and his wife at several events, but we avoided each other as much as we could. It was hard. Theo still looked at me with hatred in his eyes. Many times, I wanted to speak to him and explain myself, but I knew not to, and I didn’t think he was ready to hear any of it.
Time was going on though, and the night from the picture was behind me. With Richard’s help, I thrived and grew the casino beyond everyone’s expectations. I was even able to pay the loan back with the interest in record time, not needing the full allotted time frame.
I remember when Richard came to New Orleans to collect his debt. We spent the whole weekend together. It was a fantastic weekend but at the same time it was also hard. I’d been seeing Richard for close to two years by that time. We spent the Friday, and Saturday refusing to talk about anything of importance, just us and only us. On Sunday things were becoming strained. He knew I had won our bet and I wouldn’t be leaving William. It however didn’t stop him from trying. Even though we said we’d still continue to see each other here and there, Richard knew things would never be the same. He even professed his love for me and begged one last time to marry him. But for me, I couldn’t and wouldn’t. I was still in love with Theo and no matter what, William owned some part of me and always would.
When we said goodbye, Richard reminded me how proud he was of me, but his last words weighed heavy on me.
“I need to warn you darlin’. You came a long way but there is so much more to do. William is still William. He is becoming a joke, an embarrassment but he still has men that are very loyal to him. Be careful, now that I will be out the picture, he will try to put you back in your place. He will knock you down hard to do it. Don’t let him. You hear me? Remember who you are and what you’ve accomplished. If you ever need anything Catherine, anything, you call me. I love you Catherine.”
He kissed me then walked away. I stood there for quite a while knowing what he meant and knowing it was all true. William hated every second of me being in charge of the casino. He hated even more that all the men were starting to respect me over him.
Just as Richard had predicted, some not all of William’s men, the underbosses, were coming to me for the decisions that needed to be made. But he still had a few that were loyal to him no matter what. William though, was putting me in a position of trying to save face with most of his associates. I had started making moves. William still had final say though, but most of the time I did them without him knowing. Still I allowed him most of the credit. It was a different time back then. I was the first woman to ever enter into this world and it showed. I still was not being accepted. Not fully. They would only listen to my ideas if they thought that William stood behind them or if they thought I was only relaying them for my husband. I was enjoying my new role and I wasn’t planning on giving it up.
When I returned home from my weekend with Richard, William didn’t speak to me. He avoided me the entire day then, out of the blue, he attacked. He was questioned about a move I had made without his consent. It was a good move and a very lucrative one. Of course, he was embarrassed because he had no idea what was going on. I also knew he was angry about the weekend with Richard. I hadn’t had a chance to tell him that Richard and I were over, and I never told him of the deal I had to make to get the money. He beat me so bad that night, there was no way of me returning to work for almost a month.
I look back sometimes and think how the boys say they remember me going on trips. There were some trips but not as many as they think. Some of them were spent with me lying in bed in my old room, locked up, trying to recover from the beatings I had endured. All while my sons were downstairs thinking I was on a trip.
This was the first one. Gabriel was still too young to remember but he wasn’t young enough that he wouldn’t ask questions. William refused to have Gabriel question anything and he was always careful to shield our son from his abuse on me. After he was finished with me, William carried me to my old room. Jeffery would come in, making sure I was comfortable, while Paul would come to make sure I was healing properly. William however, never came.
The many times I was locked in that room black and blue, were some of the hardest times of my life. Not just because of the beatings but because of being so close to my children but not being able to see them.
Almost a month later, after my ribs were on the mend, I came out the room a determined woman. I wasn’t going to let William undermine me anymore. After seeing Gabriel, I needed to find out how bad the casino was doing under William’s watch.
Going back to work, I found William in my office. He had his feet up on the desk, lounging back. What was amazing to me was he looked almost clean of all substances. I can still see the smirk on his face and his voice ringing through my ears mocking me.
“Well hello darlin’!”
I don’t answer him as I throw my briefcase on a chair and sit waiting to hear why he’s here.
“Oh, come on, Catherine. I thought you like it, when Richard calls you darlin’.”
“What do you want, William?”
He moves his feet off the desk, sitting up, preparing himself to attack me vocally but he stops. Standing, he straightens his suit. “I wasn’t sure if you would be here today.”
“Where do you want me William?”
“Watch yourself my love. You know where I want you. Where I always want you. It’s been a long time Catherine since you’ve been back to our bed.”
“And who’s fault is that?”
He grabs me from behind my head wrapping his hand around my tight bun, pulling me straight up out of the chair. Then he gets closer to my face.
“You going to leave me, Catherine?”
I don’t say a word standing up to him, not showing any emotion. Then he laughs.
“I love your defiance. Makes me hard.” Holding me there, he starts running his fingers down my chest, where I’m bare from my low-lying blouse. Suddenly he growls and kisses me, forcing me to open up to him. The kiss starts off rough but then he slows down, turning it soft and gentle. Finishing with looking in my eyes, he tells me, “I will see you at home.”
With that, he left. I was so scared he was going to force me home. I thought he wouldn’t want me working anymore now that I had the casino thriving and our debt to Richard paid off. I guess I was wrong.
Hours later, Richard called me pissed beyond belief that he hadn’t been able to speak to me in almost a month. I’d always tried to hide my injuries from Richard, but it was getting more difficult. William was careful never to mark me when he knew I would be seen by him but now he was getting carried away.
I knew it was only a matter of time before Richard found out and would want to kill William and no matter what William did, I couldn’t let that happen. I wasn’t ready and just to prove my point, Richard started telling me he got some information that there were men in the organization now talking about me.
They were saying h
ateful, degrading things. At first, I thought it was just them being male chauvinist, but then Richard started telling me one particular thing they were saying, and I froze. When I didn’t respond right away Richard started getting angrier.
It all flashes back to me like it was yesterday.
“Catherine! Catherine!”
“I’m here Richard.”
“Is any of this shit true?!”
I can’t say the words, I can’t. I knew this day could come back and hurt me. Richard’s still yelling as I panic. Then I start to wonder if William put them up to this.
“Catherine! Damnit woman, answer me!”
“I’m sorry Richard. No, it’s not true.”
“Listen to me Catherine. You want this life? You want these men to take you serious? Then do something about it. Shut them up! Because truth or not, they will ruin you. Everything you have worked for will be for nothing!”
Silence follows. I’m still too stunned to talk.
“Catherine, I’m sending someone down there.”
“No! Richard please you’re right. I need to take care of them myself.”
“Catherine, please tell me. Please tell me this is all a lie. Tell me William didn’t have those two men rape you.”
Just hearing the words come from his mouth hurts. My eyes shut with tears in them, as I try so hard to keep my voice even. I can’t let Richard know I’m in pain or that any of this is true, ever.
“Listen to me Richard. William is a lot of things, but he loves me. I am the mother of his son. He would never do that to me.”
“Alright darlin’, then I suggest you shut them up. You understand?”
“Yes, Richard. I understand.”
“Good darlin’. Do this and they will all take notice. You will become feared and that is a powerful place to be.”
With that he hangs up and I break down crying. When my tears end, I look around the room at everything I’ve accomplished and think how easily it could all be taken away.
Standing, I look for a weapon of choice. A gun that Theo bought me a long time ago. I’ve been keeping it locked away all this time, scared I would one day want to use it on William. Removing it from it’s safe place, I stare at it, making the decision whether or not I can really go through with this. Deciding it might not come to this, I put the gun in my purse and open the casino safe. Maybe I can pay them off. Men like this value money above all else. I’m sure I have enough to offer for their silence.
Art of Survival: Part One (A Stern Family Saga Book 5) Page 21