She's Mine

by A A Chaudhuri

  ‘Where the hell have you been?’ he says.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Ella

  Now

  It’s just gone 7.30 and you and I are enjoying a quiet night in. Recently, we’ve both been so busy, with work, college and other stuff, we’ve not had a proper chance to catch up. The pizza’s just arrived, and we’re in the middle of tucking into our first slices, having cracked open a couple of beers, when my mobile rings. Seeing Dan’s number come up, I grimace.

  I’m pretty sure I know what it’s about. Women troubles. He only ever calls me when he needs my advice on the opposite sex. He thinks I enjoy listening to him offload on me, that I get a kick out of playing the Good Samaritan to my big bro.

  But that’s where he’s wrong. And where, although he doesn’t realize it, he and Mum are so alike, in that they’re both supremely selfish. So full of their own problems, they are totally blind to other people’s.

  When I was fourteen, I remember being ditched by a boy I thought was all that. I was crushed, and what I needed more than anything was a sympathetic ear, someone who’d say, ‘It’s OK, fuck that tosser, you’ll find someone better.’ But when I told Dan, he just laughed in my face, told me to get over it. Obviously, I couldn’t tell her. She couldn’t have cared less.

  And then there was this other time, when the fashion college I was desperate to go to rejected me. Instead of consoling me, Dan told me to stop being such a drama queen, and that if I’d only worked harder, I might have got better grades and been accepted. It was such a cold, spiteful thing to say, and it reminded me of Mum, the way she’d tell me to stop making a fuss about trivial things. The way she’d constantly remind me that life was hard, and that I needed to be tough because you never knew what might be thrown at you unexpectedly. She told me that feelings, emotions, going with your heart rather than your head, got you nowhere in life.

  I knew all of this stemmed from losing Heidi, but that was hardly my frigging fault, was it? I mean, just because it happened to her, did that mean it should apply to me? No, I don’t think so.

  Dan always has an angle. He never asks me about my life, never calls just for the hell of it. After a vague, half-hearted, ‘You OK?’ to which I say yes because I know there’s no point saying otherwise, he’ll launch into his problems. And today is no different.

  Although you’ve never met him, I’ve described him to you in detail – namely, that he’s a replica of our mum – and I’m certain that you already dislike him almost as much as I do. I show you the caller ID and you whisper, ‘Take it. See what he has to say.’

  I hesitate, but then you smile kindly at me, softly stroke the side of my face, whisper again, ‘Answer it,’ and I obey without protest because you always know best, Robyn.

  ‘Dan, what’s up?’

  ‘She’s finished with me, and it’s all because of our bloody screwed-up mother.’

  ‘What? Why?’

  Dan proceeds to tell me everything. The fact that his fiancée – or rather, ex-fiancée (whom he’s waffled on about before, but whom I’ve never met) – also happens to be Mum’s latest shrink (I nearly laugh out loud, it’s so hilarious, I mean, what are the odds?), the awkward lunch (I’m so glad you convinced me not to go, that it would just have stressed me out without Dad being there for moral support, even though, of course, I gave Mum some bullshit story about the store being short-staffed), and the fact that something Mum said during her last session caused his fiancée to dump him. I should feel sorry for him, but hearing his voice, so desperate and feeble, makes me smile. Cruel, somewhat sadistic, I know, but it feels like payback for all the times he told me to grow up and stop being a wuss. Now he knows what it feels like to be hurt badly. But I keep this to myself, especially because you are mouthing, Be nice, and I know it won’t do me any good to lower myself to Dan’s level.

  So I act all sympathetic. ‘I’m really sorry, Dan. Do you know what Mum said to her?’

  ‘Not a clue, but it must have been something bad. Something so awful Freya doesn’t even feel able to look me in the eye. I mean, I get how important her job is to her, how tricky the situation is, but surely if you love someone, those kinds of obstacles shouldn’t be insurmountable.’

  Fuck, I’ve never heard anything so philosophical come out of my brother’s mouth. He’s a changed man. But I fear it’s too late for that.

  ‘We need to find out what it is,’ I say. Not because I want to help Dan, but because I suspect I know what Mum told her shrink, and I want Dan to learn the vile truth too. ‘We can’t let her keep her lies to herself. I’ve always had a feeling she’s been hiding something from us all these years, and I reckon whatever that something is, she’s gone and told Freya.’

  Silence at the other end, and I wonder what Dan is thinking. Finally, he says, ‘Don’t worry, I reckon Dad’ll do the job for us.’

  ‘You’ve spoken to him?’

  ‘Just come from their place. I told him exactly what I told you. He was angry with Mum, really angry.’

  Excellent. That means he’s read the email I sent. Obviously, I couldn’t ask for a read receipt. Too dangerous, despite it being encrypted.

  ‘OK, let me call him in the morning. Actually, maybe I’ll suggest dinner, see what I can find out then.’

  ‘I’ll wait to hear from you, then.’

  Typical – no ‘thank you’. Selfish prick.

  ‘Yep. I’ll call you as soon as I know anything. Now open a beer and watch some porn.’

  He gives a vague grunt. ‘OK, bye then.’

  ‘Bye.’

  I lean over and kiss you on the lips, then we clink our beer bottles in triumph.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  Christine

  Now

  You’re pacing the floor with a whisky glass in your hand. I’m not sure how much you’ve had, Greg, but evidently, it’s quite a bit. Clearly, you think I know about your mistress, and therefore you are preparing yourself for a showdown.

  But I am surprised by your tone of voice. It pisses me off. If anything, you should be treading carefully, asking me if I’m OK, pouring me a drink, kissing my frigging feet. But instead, you’re glaring at me, as if I’m the guilty one, and it makes me nervous. Makes me wonder what’s happened. What you know.

  ‘Where have you been?’ you repeat, slurring your words.

  ‘For a run, then a drink.’

  ‘Ah, how predictable, how nice for you. It’s good you feel able to do whatever suits you, without giving a second’s thought to anyone else. Even your own family. But then again, why break the habit of a lifetime? Miranda was so right about you. You’re incapable of give and take, of committing yourself to others, of putting their needs above yours. I should have listened better when she asked me if I was sure I was doing the right thing in marrying you!’

  Anger flares up in me. You may not know it, but today has been a good day for me, and now you’ve gone and ruined it. I’m also livid with Miranda. She’s always been so supportive to my face, but turns out Janine’s suspicions about her still being in love with you were right. And, from the sounds of things, it seems she’s been trying to turn you against me for the whole time we’ve known each other. I feel wronged on so many levels, and I just can’t hold it in any longer.

  ‘So who’s your bit on the side, then? A client’s daughter? Janine got the feeling she’s quite young, although it was hard to tell from behind. Someone you picked up on one of your supposed “work”—’ I do the air-quotes thing, something I hate with a passion but do anyway in this instance ‘—nights out?’

  You are momentarily caught off guard. Maybe you didn’t think I’d have the nerve to confront you about it so soon, and when you’re so obviously in a filthy mood. Maybe you think I’ve become too weak. But that’s where you’re wrong; I am stronger than you think.

  ‘She’s twenty-six and we met in a bar.’

  I throw my head back and laugh, clap my hands, mimicking you. ‘Oh, Greg, how predictable you are. Poor
overworked, unloved man, sitting alone in a bar, looking sad and sorry for himself. Prime meat for some young, slutty, money-grabbing social climber.’

  This makes you angry, your face suddenly red and twisted with rage. ‘It wasn’t like that.’

  ‘Yeah, course it wasn’t,’ I mock. ‘What was it like, then? Love at first sight? You finally going to leave me, like you’ve wanted to since Heidi was taken? Is the plan to marry her, escape to the Caymans, leave your sorry, boring life behind you?’

  ‘Don’t be stupid,’ you mutter, but I can tell it’s crossed your mind. Some far-flung middle-aged fantasy of yours. I imagine Miranda’s reaction to this. She’d spontaneously combust with jealousy. The thought makes me smile inside. And then you get up, move closer to me, and for the first time ever in our marriage, I feel scared of you. Your eyes are wild, and I almost think you’re going to hit me. Something you’ve never done; not even come close to doing because it’s not in your nature.

  And then you say, ‘Dan was here earlier. Freya broke up with him.’

  Your words hit me like ice-cold water, and I wonder if I heard right. ‘That can’t be true,’ I murmur. ‘I only saw her today, and she said nothing about breaking up with Daniel.’

  ‘She ended things this afternoon, after you saw her.’

  I’m confused by the timing. So soon, right after our session? It makes no sense. ‘But she insisted at the beginning of my appointment that I shouldn’t view her any differently just because she’s with Daniel. She assured me we’d be able to keep our personal and professional lives separate.’

  You frown. ‘Yes, well, that was before you told her whatever it was that made her think differently.’

  I freeze as you continue. ‘She texted Dan, told him it was too complicated, that there was too much of a conflict of interest. She also said you couldn’t deal with them going out while she was your shrink.’

  Outrage burns through me. ‘That’s not fair, that’s a blatant lie. How could she do this to Daniel? How could she lie like that? They were so happy, I don’t understand how she could be so ruthless.’

  I know I’m gabbling, but all I can think is that it makes no sense. I mean, I saw the way she looked at Daniel. It’s obvious she adores him. And I never said I couldn’t deal with the situation. All I did was express my concerns, which she bent over backwards to allay.

  ‘Ha!’ You shake your head. ‘There you go again, always blaming others. Why don’t you shoulder some of the blame for once? And as for calling Freya ruthless, have you taken a long, hard look in the mirror recently?’

  Your words wound me. Not because they are cruel and said with such conviction, but because I know that they are true.

  ‘OK, I accept my failings, I do,’ I nod. ‘I may not have done so in the past, it’s true, but I feel different lately. And it’s all because of Dr Cousins. I finally feel like I’m making headway with her. Some real progress.’

  ‘Twenty years too late!’

  ‘Yes, maybe, but that’s the way it is, OK?!’ I felt so calm and relaxed on the journey home, but I’m suddenly as tense as ever.

  ‘So what was it you told her that changed her mind?’ Your foot is still on the pedal, and with this final acceleration, you’re pushing me into a tight spot from which I have nowhere to go, except straight into a wall.

  What do I say? The truth? But I don’t get much chance to think about it, because with your next move, you have me. Checkmate.

  ‘Was it something to do with this?’

  You reach into your pocket and pull out a folded piece of paper which you offer to me. I take it, perplexed, a feeling of trepidation rising in me as I unfold it. I read the words and feel sick. Although I realize any number of people could have been spying on me and my lover, there’s only one person I can think of who knew about our affair for sure. The same person I should have told DI Phillips about at the hospital. I daren’t look up and meet your gaze.

  ‘Look at me, God damn you!’ you demand.

  Slowly, I raise my head and I know there’s no hiding from the truth any more. ‘Greg, I—’

  ‘Were you having an affair around the time Heidi was taken?’ You don’t raise your voice, but your tone is frosty, which I find more disturbing. And then, when I fail to answer, you lose patience and shout, ‘Answer me, woman!’

  Right now, I wish the ground was made of quicksand. You’re right in front of me and I know that if I so much as dare to move, you’ll block my path. I have no choice but to stand here and answer your question.

  I swallow hard and say, ‘Yes.’

  You barely move, but I notice the tendons in your neck flex. Your eyes are watery, and you’re clearly hurting badly. ‘And that’s what you told Freya?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Was it just the one affair?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Don’t ask me any more questions. I can’t answer them yet.

  ‘Who was he? Do I know him? How long did it last?’

  I don’t respond.

  You come for me, shake my shoulders violently, and for the second time since I arrived home I feel frightened of you. You are not a violent man, but I have made you one, and I hate myself for that.

  ‘I didn’t tell Dr Cousins who it was,’ I reply.

  ‘That’s not an answer.’

  ‘It’s the answer you’re getting.’

  ‘You selfish woman, still trying to get your own way.’

  ‘It won’t help us, though, will it? I was having an affair, OK, and I was talking to my lover—’ you flinch at this term ‘—on the phone when I took my eye off Heidi and she was taken.’

  ‘What phone? The phone I bought you? How can that be? The police only found…’ I hold your gaze, see the realization sweeping your face. ‘You had another phone. One registered in his name so I’d never know.’

  I nod. Tears flood my eyes, and I am hot all over with shame and guilt. ‘It’s all my fault she’s gone, and not a day has passed since it happened that I don’t blame myself.’

  ‘Good,’ you growl. ‘Was he married?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘It’s no wonder Freya feels uncomfortable continuing her relationship with Dan, is it, Chrissy?’

  Now I think about it, no, it isn’t. Even if I stop seeing her, it won’t change the fact that she knows. It’s not something she can extinguish from her mind. She’s only human, after all. Once again, I’ve ruined everything, and that chink of light I was beginning to see has faded in the short time I’ve been speaking to you.

  I look down at the piece of paper. ‘How did you get this anyway?’

  ‘It was emailed to me. That’s why I met Amber this morning.’

  Amber. That’s her name.

  ‘Because I needed to talk to someone about it,’ you go on. ‘Why, Chrissy? Why were you having an affair? Why wasn’t I good enough? I thought we were happy?’

  ‘We were happy.’

  ‘Yeah, right, and that’s why you were screwing another man behind my back? Jesus, we’d barely been married five minutes. We were supposedly still in the honeymoon period, so why did you cheat?’

  It breaks my heart to see you like this. Hurt, humiliated, confused. But the truth will hurt you even more. What do I say? That he was like a drug I couldn’t do without? That we couldn’t keep our hands off each other? How is that going to make you feel any better?

  ‘I can’t explain it,’ I say weakly.

  ‘Great.’ You briefly look down in frustration, then return your gaze to me, your eyes narrowing, as if a slow realization has hit you. ‘Were you seeing him before you got pregnant?’

  I know where this is going. I can’t dodge the question. ‘Yes.’

  And then comes the killer: ‘Is Heidi mine?’

  I note your use of the present tense. Like me, the note has given you hope that she might still be alive. I don’t hesitate. ‘Yes.’

  ‘How do you know?’

  ‘I do, OK?’

  ‘How?!’ Your eyes are determ
ined, and I can tell you’re not going to budge, and I can’t bear to hurt you any more.

  ‘Because I made him take a test, OK?’

  Your shoulders relax a little. But then you snigger. ‘I feel like such a fool. All this going on behind my back, and I hadn’t a clue. I loved you, Chrissy, with all my heart. I knew you were vain, a bit high maintenance, but I never took you for a cold-hearted, cheating bitch. No wonder you’ve been such a misery all these years. You deserve to be miserable for all fucking eternity.’

  I am in hell. I hate myself more than ever, and I feel like I’m losing it. I need something to take the edge off. I need some of those pills Janine recommended; booze just isn’t going to cut it, even though I don’t know if I can be civil with Dr Cousins when I see her.

  ‘Are you going to show the email to the police?’ I ask nervously.

  ‘Yes. We need to try and find out whether it’s the same person who sent you the note.’

  ‘Do you think it is?’

  ‘Yes. It’s too much of a coincidence. Both are written by someone who has it in for you, and both insinuate you weren’t fit to be a mother to Heidi.’

  You’re right, and I’m scared. Whoever it is must have been watching my every move at the time.

  ‘The police have access to special decryption techniques. They can trace IP addresses,’ you say. ‘But before we go ahead and show them the email, tell me, do you have any idea who might have sent it?’

  It’s a long shot, but there is one person who springs to mind.

  ‘Yes,’ I say. ‘Now I think about it, there’s a possibility it could be someone I used to work with. You might remember her. Julia Keel.’

  Chapter Forty-Six

  Christine

  Before