Caged

by E. M. Leya

  "But it should get easier in time. The more I focus on now and not looking back, I should start to forget."

  Jessica frowned. "Do you really think you'll ever forget the shit that was done to you? I know I can't and it was only one day out of my life. You had years of it. I'm being blunt with you because I've lived through it. I don't have to tiptoe around things with you. I can be honest because I can say I do know what you're going through and will go through. Sure, it might be a bit different for all of us, but in the end, we were abused. Someone fucked with our heads, hurt our bodies, and took a part of us away that no matter how hard we try, we won't get back. I'm telling you, face this now while you can before it slowly eats you up inside. Talk to someone about it. At least get those feelings out. Say them out loud to someone, then move forward, but tell someone so you don't have to keep all those horrible secrets inside your head and feel so alone all of the time."

  Danny blinked back tears. He didn't want to cry, but it was as if Jessica really did know how he was thinking and how things were messing with him. "I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me."

  "I hate to tell you, but they already do. There's no changing that. You made the news. Anyone who connects the dots is going to feel for you. You'll have to get used to that." Jessica got up and came around the counter. She gripped Danny's arms gently and turned him to face her. "Trust me when I tell you that Marshall can handle whatever you tell him. He won't break because of it. And you've got an amazing counselor who is known for helping people who have been sexually assaulted. He knows what you're feeling. I'm sure he's heard it all in his career."

  "How do you know my counselor?" Danny asked, shocked.

  "Marshall mentioned his name at work. I looked him up." She shrugged. "I wanted to make sure you had someone good."

  Danny sighed.

  "If you can't talk to them, then talk to me. Just talk. It doesn't matter who you pick."

  He bowed his head.

  Jessica kissed his brow. "I'll back off for now. Lecture's been given, but when the subject comes up again, and it will, I want you to be able to honestly tell me you've started opening up to someone about what's going on in here." She tapped his temple.

  "Okay." He nodded.

  "Good." She pulled him into a hug. "It's not easy, but you're not alone."

  "That helps. Thanks." He pulled back. "Can I ask you something personal?"

  "Sure." She looked at him curiously.

  Heat rushed up his neck and he turned to the counter again so he wasn't facing her. "After your attack, were you ever able to be normal again? I mean sexually?"

  Jessica smiled. "You mean am I able to have sex now without screaming my head off and freaking out?"

  He nodded.

  "It took some time, and it took the right man who knew about my past and understood I needed to go slow. There are still certain things that bother me. I can't be held down in any way. I can be on the bottom, but he can't hold me there. And there are a few words that will have me shutting down. Names or things that my attackers said that pulled me right back into the moment if a lover says them. I find that if I'm honest with the person before we have sex, they are willing to be careful what they do or say. Are you worried about it too?"

  "A little. I don't think I could let a man take me that way again."

  "So you'd choose to be with a man, not a woman?" Jessica asked softly.

  Danny nodded. That much had been confirmed with what he'd done with Marshall. He really liked men. He couldn't see himself doing any of that with a woman.

  "When you date and find the right man to be with, you tell him a little about your past and that you can't do certain things. If he's the right man for you, he'll understand that. No one who cares about you will ever ask you to do things you can't. If that person can't be in a relationship without doing the things you won't do, then he isn't the right man for you." She smiled. "I have no doubt in time, you'll find the right man."

  He thought he already had, but that was crazy thinking. Marshall was just helping him. It wasn't some long-lasting romance. "Maybe."

  "Trust me. The key to everything is communication. I know right now that might not be so easy to do, but in time, it will get easier. Just take things slow. You'll know what's right and what isn't. Trust yourself to know your limits."

  "Thanks." He glanced up at her. "This helps."

  "You're not alone. I promise. I'm here for you, Marshall's here, and any of the others you've met would be there if you need them. If you ever need me, you've got my number. I'll even come sit in on your counseling sessions if you need a hand to hold."

  The sound of the front door had them both turning, and a second later Marshall walked in, his eyes wide, and a huge smile on his face.

  "This house smells amazing." He looked around at the two cakes on the counter and trays of cookies waiting to go into the oven.

  "Not all for you," Jessica warned him.

  Danny smiled. Just the sight of Marshall had his heart beating faster. "But some is."

  "Thanks." Marshall came to him. "I missed you today." He bent and brushed his lips over Danny's.

  "Missed you too." Danny blushed, glancing over at Jessica, wanting to see her reaction.

  "Oh, so it's like that, is it?" Jessica grinned. "You didn't tell me that." She shook a finger playfully at Danny. "You left out facts."

  Danny's cheeks heated even more.

  "Be nice, Jess. This is new for us." Marshall put an arm around Danny. "We're taking it slow."

  "You better be," she warned before turning to Danny. "You know all those questions you just asked me? Maybe you should be asking him." She smiled. "Know what I mean?"

  He nodded, not really wanting to bring it all out in the open again, but still, he knew she was right. If he could ask her, he should be able to ask Marshall.

  "Good. Now, let's finish up these cookies. I'm taking half of them and one of the cakes to drop off at work, and you two can have the rest."

  "Don't you want any?" Danny planned on sending most of it with her.

  "Nope. I have plenty at home and it's just me there. I can't eat it all fast enough. You two will enjoy it. Knowing Marshall, it will be gone by morning."

  Marshall flipped her off but smiled while doing it. "If you'd share the recipes, I wouldn't have to beg you for it all the time."

  "Not happening. It's our secret now, Danny. Don't be giving it out to any of these guys, no matter how much they beg."

  "I promised." He held up a hand. He'd had a great day with Jessica. She'd distracted him most of the day talking about the simplest things, then even when stuff got serious, she'd kept it simple so it hadn't felt as if he was being nagged. "Thanks for trusting me with them."

  "This way, if anything ever happens to me, someone knows how to feed the guys." She winked.

  They all started to clean up the kitchen as the last of the cookies baked. Danny had hoped to get dinner done before Marshall got home, but had lost track of time. It would wait. He almost dreaded being alone with Marshall now because he would bring up what Jessica said about questions, but maybe she was right and he should talk to Marshall about them.

  An hour later, Jessica had the cake and her share of cookies in her arms. She gave Danny a half-hug. "I had fun today. Maybe next time we can try pies."

  Marshall licked his lips loudly.

  Danny laughed. "You tell me when."

  "I will. I have a bit of work this week, but maybe next." She stared at him. "Remember what I said."

  "I will, I promise." He watched her run for her car. As he shut the door, he hoped they would have many more days exactly like this one. He liked having friends.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  "This is so good." Marshall took another bite of the cake Danny and Jessica had made. "Tell me you learned how to make it again."

  "I did. I can make it whenever you want. I love baking and cooking. I think I might look into doing that when I look for a job. How was your work?"

&nb
sp; "It was okay. I got a lot done. I'm going to have late nights tomorrow and Thursday, but other than that, I'm free." He really needed to be there more, digging for information on Larry, but he wanted to be here with Danny just as badly. "You didn't mind me kissing you in front of Jess, did you?"

  Danny smiled. "No, I liked it. I was going to tell her earlier, but I wasn't sure how. I didn't know what you'd want me to say."

  "You say whatever you want to." Marshall liked staking his claim in a round-about way. He was sure that Jessica had already told the rest of the guys, and that was okay. It was better she did than for him to have to stumble over words trying to tell them. "Jessica's a great person. I've always liked working with her."

  "She is, but she's also pushy." Danny rolled his eyes.

  "In a bad way?" Marshall worried as he licked the frosting from his fork.

  "Not really. She just wants me to talk about the kidnapping with someone."

  "You aren't talking about it with your counselor?" He had hoped they'd been getting into the issues. Maybe he wasn't that great of a counselor after all.

  "A bit. He lets me talk about what I want. Some of it's too hard to tell yet, but Jessica says talking helped her get through her rape and it will help me even if I don't think it will."

  Marshall sat up. "Jessica was raped?" He figured everyone in the group had been touched by abuse one way or another, but he didn't have details about everyone.

  "You didn't know?" Danny looked at him shocked.

  "No. I had no idea. Recently?" A protective wave rushed through him and he wondered if he should have paid closer attention to her over the last year.

  "When she was a kid. She said it almost killed her. Her brother found her in a shed and saved her." Danny frowned. "Maybe I wasn't supposed to tell you."

  "She would have warned you not to if it mattered. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone." Marshall refocused on Danny. "She's right. I've been worried about you not dealing with everything that happened. I thought you'd have a tougher time, but you seem to have shoved everything to the back of your mind, which isn't good."

  "You want me to have a tough time?" Danny grinned.

  "No, you know that isn't what I'm saying. I'm just concerned. You haven't grieved your mom. You haven't really faced your kidnapping. I hoped you were doing that in counseling, but if you're not, we need to find you someone new to talk with."

  "I like Gary. He's easy to talk to. We do talk about things a bit, but he lets me bring them up. Once I do, he's good at getting me to open up about them, but he doesn't push. If he did, I think I'd close off. He's warned me I need to get it out in the open, and I try, but sometimes it's hard. I'm so ashamed of it all, and a part of me doesn't want to make anyone else suffer by hearing what I've been through."

  The urge to admit what he did for a living was strong. If Danny knew that he'd seen far worse, then maybe he wouldn't feel that way, but Marshall couldn't tell him. "You know that Gary sees a lot of patients who have been abused or raped, right? I don't think you'll shock him."

  "That's what Jessica said too." Danny set his plate down on the coffee table. "I'll try harder."

  "What was it Jess asked you to maybe try talking to me about?" Marshall asked.

  Danny looked away.

  "Not ready to talk about it yet?" Marshall really wanted to know, but he wouldn't push. He reached over and took Danny's hand. "It's okay. You don't have to. It can wait."

  "You're not mad?"

  "Never. Jess was probably out of line saying anything in front of me anyway." He leaned over and kissed Danny softly. "I have a present for you."

  "For me? I don't deserve anything."

  "I think you do. I picked these up on my way home." Marshall reached into his back pocket and pulled out the tickets to the baseball game on Saturday. He handed them to Danny. "We'll go to the game, then go out to dinner after if you want. Make it an official date."

  Danny stared at the tickets, then looked at Marshall, tears glistening in his eyes. "You really did this just for me?"

  "For us." He drew Danny closer so he was almost on his lap. "We'll have fun."

  Danny glanced away for a moment. "What if people recognize me?"

  "So what if they do? You stand proud and go on living your life. If the media or anyone bother us, we'll deal with it, but the average person can just stare. You have nothing to hide from."

  "Won't you be ashamed to be with me?"

  "Whoa! Where did that come from?" Marshall did pull him on his lap. "Never, ever would I be ashamed of you. I'm excited to go out with you, and I'll be even happier if we can call it an official date." He brushed his lips along Danny's neck. "I could never be ashamed of being seen with you. Why should I? Neither one of us has a reason to be ashamed. We're two men going out to enjoy a game. Couples do it all of the time."

  "Couples?" Danny glanced up, his eyes wide.

  "Would you rather it be friends?" He didn't want to mislead Danny into something he didn't want.

  "What would couple mean?" Danny asked.

  "It would mean that I'm very interested in you in a romantic sort of way and I'd like to get to know you better, and hopefully that you feel the same way about me. It would mean we hold hands, maybe even kiss if you're comfortable. But if you're not ready for that in public, we go as friends. Just two guys hanging out having fun."

  "But won't people judge you for being with me? I'm used."

  Marshall shook his head. "No, you're not used. You are perfect just how you are. You just told me that Jessica had been raped. Do you look at her and see used or dirty?"

  Danny shook his head.

  "So why should anyone look at you that way?" He tipped Danny's head up with a finger under his chin. "I like you, Danny, a lot. I want to go places and do things with you. The past doesn't matter to me or anyone else who matters. When I hold you and kiss you, I'm not thinking about your past. I'm looking forward to the future and seeing if you and I can make anything out of this attraction I'm feeling for you. I'm not playing around here trying to make you feel better. I really like you. If we can build a relationship out of this, I'd like to try. We can take it as slow as you want and need, but I'd like to see what happens."

  "Really?"

  Marshall nodded. His only worry was that Danny hadn't been out and experienced other people. He hadn't dated. He didn't want Danny settling for him now just to realize later that there was a whole world of other men out there he could see. It was a risk he was willing to take. "For now, we'll plan on going to the game as friends. If at any time you feel like holding hands or kissing, you let me know. I don't want you stressing on us when the whole point is to get out in the sun and cheer on the Rockies."

  "Okay." Danny relaxed in his arms, leaning his head against Marshall's shoulder. "I try so hard to be brave, but a lot of things scare me."

  "When that happens, let me know. We'll deal with it together. Remember, I won't judge you. It's okay to tell me you've had enough and we should go home or to tell me that you don't feel like being held and want me to let go. This is your life. You make all the choices."

  "Don't let go," Danny whispered.

  "Not until you tell me to." He eased back on the couch in the silence of the living room and just held Danny against him. It was perfect. He didn't need any more than this. If he came home from work each night just to have him in his arms, it would be enough. He just needed to make sure his own spiraling emotions didn't influence Danny's. He meant what he said. This all had to be Danny's choice and he'd go along with whatever Danny decided.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  "He's out and on the way to the dumpsite." Jeremy's voice was filled with more relief than usual. It was always that way when it was D who was out doing a sting.

  Marshall tried to imagine being in his shoes, but he couldn't. He wasn't sure he could send the man he loved into such a dangerous situation. It said a lot about the people he worked with. They were strong as hell and willing to sacrifice whatever it took f
or the good of helping save the kids.

  "So, while we wait, I've got something to show you." Jeremy moved to another computer so he could keep the dispatch log running on his screen. "I was doing a little digging today on that Lamp Light company you found. It looks like it was created shortly after Larry's uncle died, the same year Danny was kidnapped. The thing is, it was left to Larry's cousin, Dale, who is listed as the owner of Lamp Light, so it's clearly still in the family."

  "What do we know about Dale?"

  "He's fifty-six years old, divorced three times. Has lives in Colorado Springs, and works as an accountant for a small three-person company in the area." Jeremy handed him a file of papers.

  "Okay, so if he has a job, why create Lamp Light? Who runs that if Dale is working and Larry never left home?"

  "That is the question, isn't it?" Jeremy nodded to the screen. "I used satellite surveillance to check the area out. I can make out two adults who appear to live at the ranch house. From the size, they look male, but I can't be sure. I also found two children. Which wouldn't worry me normally, but the fact they are linked to Larry is the first alert, and the second is that it looks as if they are being held in a single room. I watched for over two hours today and while the adults moved around the house, the children only moved around the one room, located way in the back of the house."

  Marshall shook his head. "That's still not enough evidence to say something is wrong. It's just gut instinct. We can't act on gut instinct, even if it's usually spot on." He stared at the screenshot of the adults. "One of those could be Larry, couldn't it?"

  "It could, and my gut tells me it is." Jeremy leaned back in his chair. "It's not enough to send our team in, and honestly, not enough to send the police. They can go knock on the door, but if Larry's hiding, they can't get inside. There isn't enough for a warrant."

  "So we keep digging." Marshall looked at the papers he had in the file Jeremy gave him. "Have you tried hacking any internet on the site?"