AnguiSH

by Lila Felix

  “You know when you tell a guy you’re in love with him it’s supposed to be all bliss and making out, not ice cubery and stranger danger.”

  “I was pretending that you didn’t hear that.”

  “Oh, I see. So, we’re going to pretend that the woman I love didn’t completely make me feel validated when she said she was in love with me. That’s fine. Commence the imaginary bullshit.”

  I turned over, faking my anger. I was so close to the edge of the bed, I was damn near about to fall off.

  “I was just supposed to have this summer job. I didn’t plan this.” She was on the verge of crying. I crossed my arms over my chest to keep from comforting her.

  “That’s the best kind. The love you didn’t plan on.” I said, watching the lightning flash outside.

  “Shit, I’m sorry. I screwed this whole thing up.” I turned over but stayed in my place, butt hanging off the mattress and everything.

  “It’s ok. So just tell me now, no fear, no hesitation.”

  “You’re too far away.” I could feel her turn towards me.

  So I scooted closer on the bed and reached out for her. I grabbed her leg and felt nothing but skin—nothing else. I didn’t know at what part of her leg it was but I grabbed it and dragged her closer to me. “It’s just three words, baby. Tell me.”

  “It’s five.” Her hand ran up my stomach and ran the span of my chest as she said it, “Breaker James, I love you.”

  “I love you too. Too bad I don’t know your middle name.”

  She wiggled closer, “It’s Hope. My middle name is Hope.”

  “Well doesn’t that just make perfect sense; I love you Ashland Hope.”

  I wished I could see her lips there in the dark. I wanted to see them slightly parted, the middle wet from her licking them—her eyes on my mouth, wanting it with her eyes way before it ever touched her own. But this just might be better. I put one hand on her waist, after I found it, and pulled her flush against me. I wanted every inch possible of her to touch every inch possible of me.

  “Breaker,” my name, that’s all she had to say. But I was saving the best for last. I’d seen she had some shirt on that resembled the one she was wearing earlier from the light of the cell phone. So I started at her shoulder, her skin satin on my lips. I heard her suck in a breath through her teeth and sway her body towards mine. It drew me on. I licked her sweet skin from the tip of her shoulder to the curvature of her neck, where her scent and taste were concentrated. She wrapped one leg around both of mine and rocked her hips once, gently, and I had to force myself not to devour her mouth right then.

  One of her hands was pulling the hair at the nape of my neck and the other was on my back clinging for life, tugging me as close as I could get. But when I pulled on her earlobe with my teeth, she called my name. I was done for. By the time I reached her mouth it was open and ready, her tongue came out to play and mine accepted the invitation immediately.

  We were so wrapped up in each other that when the lights came back on, we barely noticed. She broke free and got out of bed to listen, to hear the sound of the air conditioner back on.

  “Thank God. I thought I was gonna sweat to death.”

  She got back in bed but now the light in the bathroom had been left on and I could see what she was wearing. I was right about the shirt. It was white, some kind of material that was completely see-through and tiny shorts to match, if they could be called shorts at all.

  “Please don’t ever wear that in front of anyone else. You’d cause some kind of testosterone riot—heads would roll.”

  She looked down, having forgotten her lack of covering in the darkness, and pulled the sheet up over her chest.

  “Turn over that way,” she demanded, pointing at the window.

  “Ugh, fine.” I turned over, and she sidled up behind me, one arm under mine across my waist and the other hand twirled pieces of my stick straight hair.

  I felt the breaths in her chest even out and become deeper, more pronounced.

  “Ash?” I had to tell her one last thing before she fell completely asleep.

  “Mmm?” She hummed into the back of my neck.

  “You ruined our first date.”

  “You ruined my attempt at not loving you. Get over it.”

  I felt her body relax behind me and I fell asleep seconds after.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  Someone was ringing a bell. I swore it was the big bell the guy rang in that movie the Village, the one in the tower with the yellow cape on. Then it stopped and I fell back into oblivion. But of course I had a dream about the ‘bad color’.

  Then my damned phone started ringing. I reached over to get it but was held down by one willowy arm and one delicious leg.

  “If you don’t answer the phone, I’m gonna brain you.”

  “Well, quit holding me down. So violent in the mornings.” I threw her leg on her side and she groaned at me. I’d already missed the call, so I turned down the ringer so we wouldn’t be disturbed again.

  But it was too late, I was already awake.

  I got up and grabbed some shorts and boxers from the dresser and went to shower. After the water woke me up, I smiled under the flow of water.

  “She loves me.” I told the gray tiles, they didn’t care.

  I dried off, threw on my clothes and brushed my teeth. I did all the other regiments to make sure I smelled good and then went back to the bedroom. The sight of her in my bed was photograph worthy, so I did what any budding photographer would do and grabbed my camera and took a few pictures. She’d managed to take up the entire bed. She lay on her stomach, legs sprawled out, arms too, but had somehow made the sheet go right between her legs covering up anything that would make her immodest. Her inky tresses were everywhere. I’d never be able to sleep in that bed again without seeing her like this in my mind.

  “Stop looking at me, Swan.” She said into the mattress. She did a perfect Adam Sandler imitation.

  “It’s too early for Billy Madison.”

  Her eyes were still closed, “Blasphemy. It’s never the wrong time for Billy Madison.” And before I could interject anything else she started singing, “Veronica Vaughn, sooooo hot…want to touch the hiney, Aroooooo.” She ended the riff with a howl.

  “You’re delirious. Where’s my girl who gets up at dawn and throws shoes at me?”

  She turned her head the other way, “She was up all night making out with some guy. She’s not used to those kind of naughty shenanigans.”

  “Does she want some coffee after all that debauchery?”

  She nodded, almost back asleep.

  I ran downstairs and made a pot of coffee and brought a cup back up to her in bed. She was awake, finger combing her hair. She stuck her hands out and took a huge gulp of the coffee.

  “You’re gonna make me lazy. It’s past nine already.”

  I was about to contradict her when we both heard the front door slam and someone yell, “Breaker?”

  Ash’s eyes grew bigger than clocks as we both realized that the person downstairs and the person who was probably calling this morning was my mother.

  She mouthed at me, “Holy Shit!”

  I bent down and whispered to her, “Wait in the library, I’ll bring her to the leather room and then you can sneak downstairs.”

  “Wait, you have a leather room?” She gave me a look as if she was suspicious that ‘leather room’ was my attempt of Sesame Streeting down a kink room. And I’m sure she was curious as to why I would bring my mom in there.

  “We don’t have time for this Ash, move your pretty ass before my mother finds you in my bed in those damned see through pajamas.”

  She scrambled off the bed and tiptoed down to the library. I clunked down the stairs and tried to act aloof with my mom. She was already inspecting.

  “Hello, Breaker. I was just taking a look around. How are you?”

  “I’m good, Mom. I’ve been working on something for you. Would you
like to see it?”

  “Oh, the leather thing? Like your father?” She gave me jazz hands while she said leather thing, like it was a frilly waste of time.

  “Yes. Come upstairs and see.”

  “Ok, if I must.” She groaned.

  I opened the door and we both walked in, Mom in front of me. As I turned to close the door, I saw Ash sneak downstairs, mission accomplished. My mother was less than impressed with the bag I made her, but it kept me busy all the same.

  When we went back down, Ash was hauling a huge basket of dirty laundry down the hall. She’d changed into some jeans and a white shirt that clung to every curve she owned. She greeted my mom and then walked to some other room as if we were the ones bothering her.

  In just those few minutes my mom was satisfied and left shortly after.

  “So did you show your Mom the leather room?”

  “Yes.”

  “And did she enjoy her stay?” She asked, her back faced me but I knew from her sugar sweet voice she was joking.

  “That’s really gross. Do—do you want to see it?”

  “If you want to show me.”

  I held out my hand, I’d never even shown Holly my leather stuff. It stayed under lock and key because I knew myself. She would’ve probably thought it was stupid and I would’ve thrown it away like an idiot. But Ash—she would never do that to me.

  “Later, ok? I’m starving.”

  She made us pancakes and I got to kiss maple syrup from the side of her already sweet mouth.

  I did the dishes, feeling more like myself than I had in a long time, the cloud above my head was barely a wisp of existence. But now there was a whirling storm in my chest and its tornadoes grew blacker every day.

  “That’s so hot. Seriously, if you ever want to attract a girl in the future, it’s simple, just stand there at the sink and do the dishes, wipe down the counters. You’d be a shoe in.” Her voice had taken on a new personality and it suited her.

  “I’ve already got a girl,” I answered back. She blushed, which she didn’t do too often.

  “Come see the infamous leather room. It’s my hidden hobby.”

  “When you say that, it makes it sound really, really creepy.”

  I took her hand and led her upstairs to the room that held all of my leather working tools. When I opened the door she stood in the threshold, a look of wonderment plastered to her face. I’d never shown this to Holly—ever. Eventually she walked in, browsed and began her onslaught of inquiries. I answered all of them and eventually she got the hang of rudimentary carving. She even carved our initials into a stray piece of leather leftover from a vest.

  “Not so scary?”

  She laughed, “No, not so scary.”

  “We need some groceries. I’m sick of eating out. But I hate going to the grocery store.”

  Our eyes met in a dual of sorts. She was asking something of me that I couldn’t give her. But at the same time I couldn’t let her know I was unwilling.

  “Let’s just get something delivered in tonight and then we’ll go to the grocery store tomorrow. I’ve got some things I need to do. I need to check my grades and set up classes for next semester.” It wasn’t really a lie, I did need to check my grades and register for the next semester, but I didn’t need to do it right that second.

  I hated the unspoken disappointment in her eyes—it mirrored the same disappointment I felt in myself.

  And the fact that she’d said she loved me was a double edged sword. It was beautiful and it slayed me at once. Because though I knew I loved her—had absolutely no doubt—there was a small part of me that was using her.

  “Well, why don’t you do whatever and I’ll see if Steph wants to go somewhere. I’ll see you later.” She hesitated, then walked away. I went to the greenhouse to check on the roses. There were new growths and new blossoms everywhere—I still knew what I was doing. I pulled out the shears to clip some of the dead leaves and stems of the roses when she walked in.

  “They’re so pretty. How can you cut them?”

  “Because if you cut off the dead parts, the parts that aren’t growing anymore, then they will grow better, bigger, healthier. It’s better for the plant, even though it looks like it hurts them.”

  She walked in and watched me for a few minutes.

  “I’m gonna go. Stephanie and I are gonna hang out. I don’t know when I’ll be back.”

  I nodded at her, “Have fun.”

  She started to walk away and then came back and took the shears from my hands, making me turn in her direction. She grabbed the sides of my shirt and kissed me so hard, I thought she wasn’t ever coming back.

  “Call or text me when you get home, ok?” I choked out.

  “I will.” After she left I cleaned up my room a bit and did all my laundry I finished up her messenger bag. I wanted her to have it for when she went back to school.

  I got the last load of laundry from the dryer and brought it upstairs. I could hear my phone ringing from my room. I threw the clothes on the bed and answered it.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi Breaky. How’ve you been?” My throat constricted but from somewhere I got a surge of courage and actually spoke back to her.

  “I’m well Holly. Why are you calling me? Memphis didn’t get enough information from me?” I did a little fist pump in the air.

  “I just wanted to check in on you. I heard you were still staying in your house all the time.”

  “No. Ash and I have gone all kinds of places. Not that I have to explain anything to you.”

  She giggled, “Aww, you don’t miss me Breaky?” A few weeks ago, six months ago, I wouldn’t have hesitated to tell her how much I missed her. But Ash had changed everything.

  “No, I really don’t, Holly. I don’t miss the way you used to chastise me. Or the way you stole from me and cheated on me. And I especially don’t miss the way you made me feel like a piece of shit. But I forgive you, because you’re a wench who’s never gonna amount to anything. Did you call for anything else or can I get back to my girlfriend?”

  She scoffed and stumbled over something unintelligible. I’d stumped her.

  “Go to Hell, Holly. Don’t call back again and don’t send Memphis over here to snoop.”

  I hung up on her for good.

  Ash

  “Maybe he just hates grocery stores. Don’t assume, you make an ass out of you and me.” Her sage wisdom was now being given to me in lame quotes.

  “You’re already an ass.” I said in between sips of smoothie. She made me go somewhere healthy since she was trying to lose weight again or that’s what she said. She got awfully jumpy when I mentioned going out for coffee.

  “Tell him you got your period and he needs to go get you some tampons.” She shrugged one shoulder smugly as if she’d just found the answer to world hunger.

  “Number one: Eeeww. Number Two: Eeeww. Number Three: I’m such a pompous ass for testing him. I mean, who am I to judge?”

  “Because you love him and you don’t want to be another hang-up. You want him to get better. And if he’s leeching himself onto you, then he’s not getting better. And what kind of future do you have with a leech?”

  An image of a wedding chapel entered my mind, me walking down the aisle to a tux clad leech with suckers out, ready to bury itself in my skin.

  “I never said I loved him.”

  “Sure, you did, just not with words.”

  “I can’t handle all your Lifetime Network euphemisms today Steph. Anyway, I’m doomed no matter what. He’s probably gonna break it off with me when he finds out about Mrs. Collins’ and our deal.”

  “You’re such a Debbie Downer lately. I’ve got an idea, let’s go to the mall and ride the carousel like a bunch of idiots.”

  “You just wanna go to the mall.”

  “True.”

  We shopped until we were both exhausted and I’d spent way too much money. I bought Breaker clothes, something I’d never done for a guy before. When
I was cleaning his room, I picked up some of his clothes off of his bed and checked the sizes, just for future reference.

  I got him some mall food to go since the last time I bought him some he was being a jerk wad. And he had more news coming. I was gonna make him go camping the next night on Grand Isle. I laughed, “He’s gonna be so pissed.”

  I went home and straight to my room. I threw my bags on the bed and noticed something wrapped in tissue paper with a note on top. I read the note first.

  I’ve been making this for you for a while. Finally finished it tonight. Did something amazing while you were gone. Cant’ wait to tell you. Love you, Breaker.

  I unwrapped the tissue paper and wondered where he got it from. Inside the paper was a brown bag, a messenger bag, with orchids stamped and cut into the leather. It must’ve taken him days and countless hours to complete it. And my name was intricately pressed in the center all flared letters and fancy script. No one had ever made me something so precious.

  I called him, I knew it was lazy of me, but I didn’t care.

  “Are you home?” I loved how eager he always sounded but a part of me cocked its eyebrow at it.

  “Yeah, come down here, I’ve got stuff for you.”

  “On my way,” he answered.

  I opened the door to my bedroom and he was there within minutes. I jumped over to him and practically linebacked him with a hug around his torso. He chuckled, “Do you like it,” he asked as he nodded towards the bag still on my bed.

  “I do. It must’ve taken a lot of time. Thank you so much.”

  “It was worth it,” He kissed my forehead like it was just something he did and I finally let go.

  “Ok,” I clapped my hands and rubbed them together, “most importantly, I got you mall food. It’s in the kitchen. And secondly, I bought you clothes.”

  He took a step back, “You bought me clothes.” He didn’t look pleased. In fact, I would’ve said he bordered on fear.

  I bought him three pairs of jeans and two button down shirts and a couple of t-shirts. And I bought him a hat since I’d never seen him wear one and didn’t know if it was a lack of them or he just didn’t like them. So I took the chance.