Make My Heart Beat

by Liz King

  “Listen, son, I know you’re upset, but this isn’t going to do her any good.” Daddy places his hand on Sly’s shoulder. Again, I can’t understand why Daddy is being so calm about this situation. He seems to be the calmest out of all of us.

  Sly stands up and paces the room, eventually stopping to stare out of the window. “John, I didn’t protect her back when we were kids, I didn’t protect her now.”

  I try to move into more of a sitting position. Swinging my legs over the side of the bed, I reach out to pull the pole holding my IV fluids closer. Daddy and Sly quickly turn their attention on me as I try to get out of bed.

  “Baby, don’t get up. You need to rest.”

  “Kara Lynae, keep your butt in that bed.”

  The tears I had been battling dry up at them trying to tell me what to do. “I’m not made of glass! I can get up, damn it!” I wince at the pain in my ribs, but don’t let that stop me. “Listen, Sly. I’ve already told you why I never said anything back then, I’m not going to go over that again. It’s done. It’s over,” I say, taking baby steps over to him by the window. “And as for the Connor stuff…”

  Sly grips my shoulders and leans down so we are face to face, interrupting me. “The Connor stuff? That’s what you’re calling this?” He waves his hand at my belly, and the look on his face makes my heart hurt. “You’re fucking pregnant, and all by yourself, and you can talk this calmly to me?”

  Okay, now Sly is pissing me off. First he runs out of here after I wake up, then comes barreling back in, yelling at me for not telling him about the baby. If he had given me five minutes I would have told him. I am trying to wrap my mind around the situation myself. He’s acting like I’m a child that can’t take care of herself. I know he loves me and he wants to keep me from hurting, but what’s done is done. I can’t change the past, and I certainly can’t change the fact that I’m having Connor’s baby. And… All by myself? Really? I’m not by myself. Am I?

  “I told you to calm down, son.” Daddy pulls Sly back. “If you are going to come in here and upset her more, you can just leave.”

  “John, what is wrong with you?” Sly turns to look at Daddy incredulously. “Connor is a total piece of shit! If he comes near her again, I will kill him. I don’t even want him talking to her,” he growls.

  Daddy wraps his arms around Sly’s shoulders. “I know you’re mad as hell at Connor right now, but that is no reason to start yelling and carrying on at Lynae. You weren’t there, I wasn’t there. Lynae is having a baby, and she doesn’t need to be stressed out more than she already is,” he says, guiding Sly to sit down on the couch next to my bed. “You’ve always been like a son to me, and you’ve protected her like she was your own sister. She needs you now more than ever, okay?”

  Sly nods his head up and down, then reaches his hands out to pull me gently to him. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I just love you so much, and I can’t stand to see you hurting. You’ve been through more than any one person should ever have to go through in one lifetime.”

  I let him pull me onto his lap. My ribs hurt like hell, but I allow Sly to wrap his arms around me and I lean my head on his shoulder. “I love you too. You have to let me work through things on my own. I don’t know if I can talk to Connor or not, but you have to let me make that decision.” And that is the honest truth. I really don’t know if I will ever be able to speak to Connor again, but I can’t let anyone make that choice for me. “I just don’t know what to do or how I’m going to do it.”

  “Baby girl, you know that whatever you need, I will always be here for you. You are one of the most important people in my life.” Sly holds me tightly to his chest.

  Daddy sits down beside Sly on the couch and places his hand on my back, rubbing up and down gently. “We need to let her get back in bed and get some rest,” he says to Sly. “I’m sure Kara Lynae is exhausted.”

  Sly stands up with me in his arms and carefully places me back in bed. He pulls the blankets back up and tucks me in tightly. Leaning down, Sly rests his forehead on mine and closes his eyes. “I am so sorry, Lynae.”

  “What are you sorry for?”

  Letting out a deep sigh, Sly opens his eyes. “I’m sorry for everything,” he says before walking out, leaving Daddy and I alone again.

  Daddy moves from the couch back to the chair beside my bed and takes my hand in his, looking at me with his head tilted to the side. “You are so strong. So brave. So much like your mother.”

  “I miss her so much.” I squeeze his hand. “I could really use her advice right about now.” Momma always knew what to do. She could take any situation and tell you exactly what to do or say. I wish I had talked to her about everything back then, but I can’t change the past. Just like I can’t change the present. I can only hope I make the right decisions about my future.

  Nodding his head, Daddy looks into my eyes. The eyes I share with Momma. “I know you’re confused right now. I know it feels like your world is falling apart. Your mother is up there watching over you. Don’t ever forget that. She isn’t going to let anything happen to you.” His other hand comes up to wipe away another tear that has fallen. Damn these tears. “I’m going to let you rest. I have some things I need to attend to.” He stands to leave.

  “Daddy?”

  “Yeah, baby?”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you too, baby girl. Remember that. And remember that no matter what you decide to do, I’ll support your decisions.”

  I smile up at Daddy. “I know.” I know he’ll be there for me. I just wish I knew what I wanted to do. My mind is telling me to do one thing, but my heart is calling out for him, begging my mind to forget about words thrown around so carelessly.

  Daddy walks out the door, shutting it quietly behind him. I rest my head back on the pillow and close my eyes. I feel so tired. It has been an emotionally and physically draining day. God, I wish I could rewind time and change everything. But how far do I want to go back? Back to before the fight? Before Michelle and Gabbi dragged me out to Metro? Or eight years ago?

  Chapter Five

  Connor

  John came by Tuesday morning. I’m honestly surprised he waited that long to come see me. I thought once he talked to her, he’d be banging down the door, guns blazing, but that isn’t how things went.

  Knocking on the door woke me from my restless sleep. Banging, more like it. I looked at the clock and noticed it’s after nine in the morning. I’m surprised Wade didn’t get me up to go downstairs to work. I’m sure there’s a backlog of tickets, since I didn’t do a damn thing yesterday.

  I didn’t bother putting on pants, I didn’t really give a flying fuck who the hell it was. When I opened the door, I wished like hell I had gotten dressed. I’m not sure I really wanted to die in my underwear. It’s John Michaels standing on the other side, and he looked like he could commit murder. “Hi, Mr. Michaels” was all I could say. I mean, what do I say to him?

  “Connor.” John nodded his head in acknowledgement as he passed by me to walk directly into the kitchen without an invitation. “We need to talk.”

  Yeah, I was sure his version of “talk” was going to involve killing me and getting rid of the body. He’s a cop, he could get away with it without any trouble. I would accept whatever it was that he wanted to do or say to me. I deserved it. “Yes, sir.”

  Leaning against the kitchen island, he crossed his arms over his chest and stared at me. I didn’t know what he was thinking. Before I got a chance to try to tell him how unbelievably sorry I am for being a complete and total fuck up, he blew my mind with his next words.

  “I know all about Kaitlin. I know about the accident.”

  Standing there with my mouth hanging open, I’m sure I looked like an idiot. This was totally not what I had expected from John, and I really didn’t know why or how he knew about her.

  “I did a background check on you after my Kara Lynae introduced us,” he continued, his icy glare intense. “You think I wouldn’t loo
k into who my little girl was opening up to after all these years? I wanted to find out what kind of man was stealing the heart of my world.”

  I should have figured he would do as much. I couldn’t blame him either. I wondered why he allowed her to still see me after learning about Kaitlin. It was all my fault; I should have been with her. I shouldn’t have let her leave with that asshole. I’ve lost her, and now I’ve shattered Lynae too.

  “I guess you’re here to tell me to stay away from Lynae now. I can’t tell you how sorry I am for what happened. I wasn’t thinking. I would never hurt her. Never. I swear on my life. I love her more than anything on this earth.”

  “I know you love her. I saw it the first night I met you, the day y’all came back from Alabama, and every second I saw you sitting in the hospital holding her hand waiting on her to wake up.” John’s voice became thick with emotion. “It is the same look I had while I was holding Sara’s hand when she was dying.”

  My heart ached even more. Lynae has been through so much shit in her life. All I have done is add to it. I would walk through fire to take her pain away. It kills me that I caused so much of the pain she’s currently dealing with. “I will do anything to make things right. I just want her to be happy and whole.” Even if it meant letting her go. It will destroy me, but she is what is important. Her and the baby.

  “Connor, I’m going to be honest with you,” John said.

  This was it. He gets me to let my guard down by not killing me on the spot.

  “Like I said, I know you love her. I know you would do anything for her. The man that sat there in agony while she was lying in that bed can’t be the man that was in this apartment on Saturday night. There is no way. I am a very good judge of character.”

  “Mr. Michaels, I—“

  “Let me finish, son.”

  “Yes, sir.” I leaned on the counter opposite him. I felt like I should go put some clothes on, but right now he’s talking to me and not killing me.

  “I read the police report on your sister’s accident. I also saw you had a few charges for assault and public intoxication in the months following the accident. It seems you get violent and not yourself when you drink.” John uncrossed his arms and braced his hands on the ledge. “I smelled the alcohol on you when I got to the hospital Saturday night. I know you had been drinking.”

  Yeah. I got in quite a few fights after Kaitlin died. My parents were blaming me. I was blaming me. I didn’t want to feel. I just wanted to numb the pain. Alcohol and fighting distracted me. When I saw Sly carrying Lynae through the window Friday night, I believed the crazy thoughts running through my bourbon-saturated brain and the pain got worse. I drank more Jim Beam than any one person should be able to tolerate. I wanted the empty feeling in my chest to go away. “I was drunk. I wasn’t myself. I want to kill myself for what I did. You have to believe me.”

  “Son, I do believe you. I have a feeling your drinking has to with your guilt over Kaitlin. Am I right?”

  The pain from the night Kaitlin died came crashing down on me. I fell to the floor and buried my face in my hands. “It was all my fault. I should have taken her home. I should have been there for her. I always fuck everything up. Kaitlin, Lynae. Everything.”

  Completely taking me by surprise, John knelt down beside me and placed his hand on my shoulder. “You weren’t driving. You didn’t cause the accident. Yes, you probably should have been the one to take her home, but she was an adult. She could have made the decision to not get in a car with someone who had been drinking. You can’t change the past. It wasn’t your fault.”

  Wade, Marcus and Seth have told me that very same thing so many times over and over again, whereas my parents always told me that Kaitlin was my responsibility and it was my fault. But for some reason, having John tell me that I didn’t do anything wrong felt different. I can’t explain it. Maybe having a father figure tell me makes it seem like maybe I can start to believe it isn’t my fault.

  “I know you’re hurting from your past, but you can’t let that destroy your future. Lynae is going to need you. She may not know it right now, but she does.”

  “How can you say these things to me? Don’t you hate me?” I asked incredulously.

  “Last night, after she told me what happened, I wanted to kill you. All I saw was red. You hurt the most precious thing in the world to me, but I know that deep down she still loves you. She’s hurting, and I know you love her. You need to get your act together. You’re going to have to fight for her. Give her time, but you will have to fight.”

  Leaving me sitting on the floor, completely raw and exposed, John got up and walked out of the apartment.

  I hold on to his words. She still loves me. Her father would know. He says I have to fight for her.

  I keep playing that conversation over and over in my head. It’s been two days since he came by. I will fight for her. I know I have to give her time to heal. Emotionally and physically. I just don’t know how long I can go without seeing her face. Holding her in my arms. Running my fingers through her hair. Kissing her lips. I need her. God, I need her.

  ~

  “She’s supposed to be going home today.” Wade says as he walks into the kitchen.

  I’ve been getting updates from him and Gabbi. And a text here and there from John. I still can’t believe he’s actually talking to me right now. I told him I’d give her time, but I can’t help myself. I’ve left message after message on Lynae’s cell, but I still haven’t heard back from her. I’m guessing she still doesn’t have her phone with her. At least, that’s what I’m holding on to. The reality is probably that Lynae is ignoring every single text and voicemail I leave her. I don’t blame her one bit. I just wish she would give me a chance to talk to her one more time. My world is nothing, colorless, without her vibrancy. She lights up everything for me. My chest feels hollow and dead inside.

  I did go up to the hospital last night around midnight. I opened up the door to her room and just stood in the doorway watching her sleep. God! I wanted nothing more than to crawl in that bed and wrap myself around her tiny frame. She looked so small. Lynae had curled into herself so tightly she looked like a ball lying in the middle of that bed. And those beds aren’t that big, and I swear you could probably fit two more of her in there with room to spare.

  Before, when she was staying over here all the time, before I fucked everything up, that’s how she would look when she was having a nightmare about that sick motherfucker. I’m assuming they were about him. She never talked about it, but if for some reason I had gotten out of bed, or she went to bed before me, that’s how I would find her. Curled into herself, almost like she was reliving that night and trying to protect herself. I’d slowly tuck myself in behind her, pull her close to my body and she would instantly relax. Lynae would sense my presence and it would calm her. The whimpering would stop and she would sleep peacefully the rest of the night.

  As I stood there watching her for those few minutes, I heard her softly crying in her sleep. When she rolled over to face the door, I almost ran, afraid she might wake. I didn’t want to upset her further if she looked up and saw me standing there, but I could tell she was still in the clutches of her nightmare. Was her nightmare about Matt? Or was it about me? Her face was scrunched up as if she were in pain. I wanted nothing more than to be able to take her in my arms and take that pain away, but the night nurse came over and told me quite sternly that visiting hours were over and I had to leave. I didn’t sleep a damn minute when I got home.

  Wade plops down on the couch next to me, nudging my leg with his knee. “You hear me, man?”

  “Yeah. Gabbi texted me about an hour ago. Michelle and Sly were up there picking her up.” It should be me taking her home. And by home, I mean here. I want her here with me every minute of every day so I can love her and look after her. And the baby.

  “I went up there with Gabbi this morning,” Wade says cautiously.

  I’m sure my glare could burn through a brick w
all right now.

  “Lynae looked a little better than she did on Monday. She sounded like she was getting some strength back when I talked to her.”

  “Seriously not helping, man,” I growl at him. How dare he talk to me about seeing my sweetness. It’s not right that he can go into her room and talk to her, while I am forced to stay away, grasping at straws.

  “I tried talking to her this morning. I tried to explain some things, but she got too upset, and I couldn’t take watching her crying again.”

  Shit! Just hearing about her crying more tears over everything is enough to rip my fucking heart out. I told her I would fuck up. I told her I wasn’t good with relationships. Why the hell couldn’t I just stay away from her? Maybe she was right to run away from me that first night at Metro. I should have let her keep her distance. Did I? No! I had to go after her. From the first moment I touched her, I knew she was different. I felt it in my bones that I needed to protect her. I didn’t ever expect she would need protecting from me.

  “Did she say anything about me?” I ask. Man, I sound like such a pussy right now.

  Wade just looks at me like he feels sorry for me. “Yeah. She did ask how you were. She was worried about Sly kicking the ever livin’ shit out of you.”

  Well, at least that’s something. It isn’t much, but I’ll take what little worry from her I can get. “I miss her, man. I miss her so much. Why the fuck did you let me go get myself wasted?”

  “Don’t pin this on me. I told you to knock it off. Hell, I shouldn’t have believed anything you said when you and Marcus came back here, but how can I doubt you? You’re family,” Wade retorts.

  He’s right. I have nobody to blame but myself. Of course the guys are going to side with me first. Bros before… I can’t even finish that thought. Lynae is the furthest thing from a ho than anything. Even her name is too good to be thought of in the same sentence. Marcus, Seth and Wade would believe anything I said to them. Even when I am a drunken ass. “I’m sorry. You’re abso-fucking-lutely right.”