Make My Heart Beat

by Liz King

  ~

  I’m still lying on top of Connor. It’s been at least two hours. He’s fallen asleep, and his steady breathing is soothing to me, but I know that I have to leave. As much as I want to stay here in his arms and never leave, I know that I can’t. We haven’t talked about what happened, we haven’t talked about what made him say all those poisonous things to me. My heart wants to forgive him and forget about everything, but my mind is telling me that I have to do what is right for me and the baby. I let passion and fire cloud my judgment. I need a clear head right now. I have to get out of here, and without Connor waking up. If he looks at me again with those sad emerald eyes, I will completely fold.

  Gently, I maneuver my way out of his tight grip. My pants are on the floor beside the bed, but my shirt is nowhere to be seen. Oh, that’s right. Connor ripped it clean in half in the kitchen. I open up a drawer and pull out one of his shirts. I bring it to my nose and inhale. God, I almost can’t stand to leave him. Mumbling from behind me makes me turn to make sure Connor is still asleep. He is, he’s just rolled over onto his side.

  “Lynae, sweetness,” he murmurs in his sleep.

  My heart calls out to him, but I quickly pull my pants back on and slip his shirt over my head instead. I can’t find my hair tie anywhere, but I don’t want to waste time looking for it. Crouching down on the floor, I tug my running shoes back on and quietly slip out of the bedroom, being sure to pull the door closed behind me. I’m taken off guard when I see Seth bending down, picking up my torn shirt from the kitchen floor, growling to himself.

  “He gives me fucking shit for touching her and talking to her and here he is with some skank. I’m gonna kill that rat bastard. God, I can take care of her so much better than he can.” Seth turns around with my shirt in his hand, mouth hanging open.

  I can feel the flames engulfing my neck and face. I notice Seth’s nose looks like it’s broken, and he has the start of some serious bruising forming under his right eye. That wasn’t there this afternoon when I left him at Mother Fluckers. Connor must have seen us or found out about us. That explains what Connor was yelling about when I first came into the apartment earlier too. This is all my fault. I’ve caused so much trouble. I have to leave.

  “Lynae? What? What are you?” Seth stutters.

  I take a deep breath and straighten my shoulders. I walk past him without looking back or responding. I can’t look at him. If I do, I’m sure I’ll burst into tears. I already feel them burning behind my eyes. He can probably see the anguish written all over my face too. Seth doesn’t make a move to follow me when I start walking down the steps, even though I feel his eyes on me until I round the corner.

  The rain has stopped, and the moon is full and high in the sky. I don’t know what I was thinking. I should have never come here in the first place. I should have just sent Connor a text telling him about my appointment, and let him know that it would be okay if he came. There is just too much pull between us. I felt it when he came up to the hospital last week, and I felt the current zapping between us tonight. When I get into my truck, I notice my phone has three missed calls and four text messages from Michelle, and one missed call and two texts from Seth. All from a few hours ago. Michelle must be looking for me, and Seth must have wanted to check on me after I ran out on him. I don’t feel like dealing with any of it right now. I just want to go home and go to bed.

  ~

  “Where in the hell have you been?” Michelle cries, leaping off the couch as soon as I walk through the front door to my apartment.

  Great. Why did I not think that she would be here? Especially if she couldn’t get a hold of me on the phone.

  “I was out,” I reply, tossing my keys and purse on the kitchen table.

  “I was freaking the fuck out. I called here, I called your cell, I called John. Hell, I even called Sly to see if he knew where you were.” Michelle comes up to me, grabbing my shoulders and looking me up and down, examining me to see if I’m okay.

  I shrug her hands off and start walking back towards my room.

  “Whose shirt is that?”

  I ignore her. I walk into the bathroom and shut the door as I strip off my clothes and turn on the shower. I’m just stepping in and pulling the curtain closed when I hear Michelle come into the bathroom behind me. “Yeah, she’s here. She’s not talking to me, but she’s here.” She pauses. “Okay, babe, love you too.” I hear her tossing her phone on the counter. “Sly says your ass needs to call him and tell him what’s going on. You need to tell me what’s going on.”

  The hot water should be soothing to me, but it’s not. I don’t want to talk about what I’ve done with Connor to her. She hates him, and I know she’ll blow up at me if she finds out I went over there. Michelle has already been really pissy with me lately because I haven’t been talking to her about my afternoon disappearing acts.

  “I’m not going anywhere until you talk to me, Nae Nae.”

  “Leave me alone.” My voice cracks with the tears I’m holding back. Damn these emotions. It was so much easier before all of this happened. I was inside my little box, things were contained. I rinse my hair and body quickly, then reach out to grab a towel. I wrap myself up before I step out of the shower. Michelle is sitting on the bathroom counter staring at me, kicking her feet back and forth against the cabinets. One look into her eyes and my resolve crumbles. “I was with Connor,” I tell her, then run into the bedroom and collapse on the bed.

  I feel the bed dip beside me as Michelle comes to sit next to me. She begins gently rubbing my back, pushing my hair to the side over my shoulder. “Is that where you’ve been running off to after work every day?”

  I shake my head no and bury my face in my pillow.

  I hear her take a deep breath and let it out. “Did he hurt you again?”

  Again, I shake my head in the negative, but I roll over on my side so that I’m facing her. “I slept with him.”

  A range of emotions crosses her face. I think I see disbelief, anger, hurt and, lastly, concern. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “I just want things to go back to the way they were. I’m so tired of hurting. I love him so much, but I’m still afraid to trust him.”

  “How can you love him after what he said and did?”

  “You weren’t there. I know in my heart of hearts that he didn’t mean those things. And I know that he’s hurting just as much as I am.” I look up at Michelle. “He’s hiding something that he’s scared to let go of. I know how that is. I know I should hate him, but I can’t. I also know that you hate him.”

  Michelle scoots down so that she is lying face to face with me. “I really hate him. I hate what he did. I hate what he said. I hate that he broke you. But I love you more. I want you happy and whole again. For you and the baby.”

  “I left him sleeping in his room. He doesn’t know I’m gone. I think he got in a fight with Seth before I got there.” I sniffle. “I’ve messed everything up so bad.”

  “What does him and Seth fighting have to do with you?” she asks.

  I tell Michelle everything that has happened. From Connor coming up to the hospital and cornering me in the break room, and my first run in with Seth at the park, to yesterday’s awkward dinner. I feel so stupid that I didn’t see that Seth was starting to act differently towards me. She listens as I empty out all of my pent up hurt, anger and confusion, never judging me. I tell her how as soon as Connor kissed me tonight, my body couldn’t hold back, even though my mind was telling me how wrong it was. I don’t even realize I’m crying again until Michelle takes her hand and wipes away the wetness on my cheeks.

  “Honey, you really need to talk more. You’ve been keeping all this in. It’s just gonna eat away at you until there is nothing left. I thought we were friends. I thought you could tell me anything.”

  I know that. I know that keeping these churning emotions inside is only going to make me relive it all over and over again. I can’t keep doing that. I have to let this go. I h
ave to move on. I just need to decide if I want to move on from all of this pain with or without Connor. As much as he hurt me, I don’t think I can imagine life without him in it now that I’ve found him. He helped open up my heart to see that it was okay to let someone inside my walls; I just need him to do the same.

  Realizing now that he’s going to royally freak out when he wakes up with me gone scares the hell out of me. I’m afraid of what he’s going to do. I love that man so much. He is just as broken as I am.

  “I’m so confused, Michelle. I don’t know what to do.”

  “I know, babe. Follow your heart. Don’t let me or anyone else tell you what to do. I will support whatever decision you make. Even if I do want to kick some serious ass.” Michelle hugs me tightly. “Get some clothes on so we can go to sleep. It’s late as hell and you look a mess. I’m staying over, so move over and don’t hog the covers.”

  I get dressed quickly and then burrow under the covers.

  “I love you, girl.”

  “I know you do, Nae Nae. I’m damn loveable!” Michelle kicks my leg under the covers. “Now go to sleep. I need my beauty rest.”

  Chapter Eleven

  Connor

  My mind is swirling with memories of last night. She came. She actually came here to see me. She let me hold her, touch her, kiss her, claim her. Lynae’s sweet scent assaults my senses. I need to feel her against my body. I reach out to find her, but my hand only lands on cold empty sheets. My eyes pop open, completely awake now.

  “Lynae?” I call out.

  I sit up in my bed. My empty bed. Looking around the room, I don’t see her, and her pants that I know were tossed on the floor next to mine are gone. Sunlight is filtering in through the blinds. I glance at the clock, noticing it’s after nine in the morning. Maybe she’s in the kitchen. I know how she likes her coffee first thing in the morning. Please, dear God, let her be in the fucking kitchen.

  I toss my legs over the side of the bed and grab my shorts off the floor. Standing up, I stretch my arms over my head and make my way out into the living room. I don’t even have to look around to know she’s not here. I can’t feel her presence. I can always sense her. Instead of finding the one thing in this world that makes my life worth living, I find the one thing that I want to pummel into the ground, sitting on my couch.

  “What the fuck are you doing here?” I growl.

  Seth stands up. He looks like absolute shit, like he’s been sitting there all fucking night. “Listen, dude, I’m really sorry about everything.” Seth is holding is hands up. “But I need to ask you something.”

  Lynae must have gotten up, seen asshat sitting here and left. She was obviously pissed at him yesterday, since she apparently ran away from him crying, according to Wade. This gives me even more reason to want to kick Seth’s ass the hell out of my apartment, garage and life. “I don’t have time for this shit. Get out.”

  “Man, you need to listen to me,” Seth urges. “I saw her leaving a few hours ago. She looked more upset than she did yesterday afternoon.”

  A few hours ago? That would mean she left right afterwards. What the hell? Did I push her too far? Fuck! Did I just screw things up with Lynae even more? “I told you to fuck off. Unless you want to get hit again.”

  Wade comes sauntering out of his room, scratching his ass, looking between the two of us. “Jesus, Connor. It’s too damn early for ass kicking,” he grumbles on his way to the kitchen. “Don’t wake Gabs up. She’s a real bitch in the mornings if you wake the beast before she’s ready.”

  I shake my head at him. Not in the mood to deal with him either. I need to find Lynae. I need to figure out what I did wrong this time. I grab my cell off the counter and dial. It rings and rings, going to voicemail.

  “Baby, please call me back. I’m coming over.” I hope she’ll listen to it and return my call this time. She hasn’t returned any of my other messages or texts, but maybe things are different now. After last night, maybe she’s ready to talk and let me in. God, I hope so. I’m going over to her apartment. I don’t care about Michelle’s warning, I need to see her again.

  “What are you calling her for? Isn’t she still here?” Wade asks from the fridge.

  I shake my head “no” and glare at Seth, who’s giving me a pissed off look. What he has to be mad about, I haven’t a fucking clue. This shit stops now. I am not going to put up with his shit. I need to know exactly what his problem is and why he’s so defensive over Lynae. “Out with it. You got something to say, say it.”

  Wade quickly walks back into the living area to stand between me and Seth. “Don’t start with this shit again, guys.” He holds his hands up. “You had your little bitch fit yesterday. Leave it at that. Seth was a douche for seeing Lynae behind your back, you were a fucktard for what you did to her, we all were ball sacks for believing your drunk ass in the first place. We have all been friends for hell and ever. Now fucking kiss and make up or I’ll kick your stupid ass.”

  I don’t know where the hell Wade comes up with some of the asinine things that come out his mouth, but everything he’s saying is nothing but true. Everything that has happened is all my fault. Seth is part of this fucked up group that I call family. I fall back on the couch and rest my head against the back. “I fucked up.” I groan. “Again.”

  Seth moves to sit down beside me. “Connor, I…” He lets out a deep breath. “I am sorry for not telling you that Lynae and I had been hanging out. I saw her a few weeks back at Waterfront Park, and she just looked so lost.”

  I look over at him. My gut tells me that I can trust him, that he really wouldn’t have done anything to intentionally betray me, but I still want to kick his ass. A few weeks he has had with her. A few weeks where she had been shutting me out.

  “Lynae told me that you had gone up to the hospital to see her, and she freaked,” he continues. “She fell apart. I just meant to give her a friendly hug to show her support, but when she was crying her eyes out in my arms, something changed.”

  My body tenses beside him.

  Seth senses my tension and Wade continues to stand guard, ensuring that we don’t come to blows again.

  “I can’t really explain what it is, but I can’t get her out of my mind. She just makes you want to protect her and help her.” He pauses. “I can’t help how I feel about her, but I’m not going to do anything about it.”

  Like hell he is. I won’t let him anywhere near her if I have to. There is nothing in this world that can keep me from my sweetness. She is my heart. She is my life, but I know exactly what he is talking about. Lynae has this undeniable pull to her that makes you want to keep her from ever having any pain, but that is my job. Not his.

  “You can’t have her.”

  “I know that, shithead. She’s not over you, and I don’t think she ever will be. She loves you.” Seth looks at me. “When she came out of your room last night, she looked more broken than she was that first afternoon at the park.”

  Damn, I hope I didn’t hurt her. I was way too rough with her. Please, for the love of God, don’t let me have hurt the baby. I want to help her, not break her more. “She looked upset?”

  “Yeah, she looked like she was about to bust out in tears again,” Seth replies. “She also looked thoroughly fucked.” He gives me a dirty look. “You didn’t force her into anything, did you? Lynae doesn’t need that.”

  “For fuck’s sake!” I growl. “I would never force her! I’m an asshole, but not that kind of asshole!”

  Gabbi walks out of Wade’s room in a pair of his boxers and a t-shirt. Her hair looks like a rat’s nest, and her makeup is smudged under her eyes. She stalks over to where Seth and I are and sits down between us.

  “I’ve listened to enough.” Taking each of our hands in hers, she looks back and forth at us. “You two dumbasses need to forget about trying to fix her and protecting her, and work on making it up to her. She’s had enough shit to deal with without y’all messing things up more.” Turning to me, she adds, �
�Connor, I told you already that you need to give her space to let her come to terms with what’s going on. She’s scared. And…”

  “I am giving her space!” I heave in a deep breath. “She came here yesterday. She showed up here. She came to me!” But she ran away again. She is always running away.

  Gabbi tugs on my hand, gaining my attention. “Would you just hush it for a minute! Damn, you’re moody. You’d think you were the hormonal one!” she quips. “Lynae and I have talked a few times about you. She’s so very much in love with you that it is scaring the hell out of her. You were the only one she let inside, then you go and flip out on her and she’s crawled back in her shell.”

  I pull my hand out of Gabbi’s and hang my head down. I cover my face with my hands and groan. “When she walked in last night, I couldn’t breathe. Then when she kissed me. God, it felt like all the air was knocked right out of me.” My chest starts to feel tight again. I can almost feel her lips on mine still. “I couldn’t help myself. I had to be close to her. As close as I could get. I’m so fucking terrified that I may have just pushed her over the edge now.”

  “Connor, I don’t think you pushed her into anything she didn’t want. She isn’t like that. Lynae does what she wants. I know she wants you, she’s just afraid to fight for it.”

  “I am trying to give her time. I am, but I just don’t know how much longer I can wait. It’s killing me knowing that she’s dealing with all of this shit alone. I know she has you and Michelle, but she’s really alone with all of this. You guys don’t know her the way I do. I know what’s deep inside her heart. I want to go to her, but I don’t want to hurt her more. I just want to protect her.”