Never to Hope

by Aimie Grey

“Yes, smartass. Now are you going to tell me why you decided to wake my tired ass up on a Wednesday morning?”

  “Haven’t talked to you in a while. Wanted to check in to make sure everything’s okay.”

  “Yes, Mom, I’m fine.” Madison was less than a year older than me, but she was a natural-born mother. She apparently had no problem using that skillset on me. “How’s everything with you?”

  “Everything is wonderful. Well, for the most part anyway. Kristy is still making life hell, but that’s to be expected.” Kristy, Madison’s life-long nemesis, was a complete psycho. “Peyton is getting so tall and is doing really well in her new school,” she continued. Her niece, Peyton, was now in the third or fourth grade. I’d only met her once when they came for a visit, and she was the cutest kid I’d ever seen. If I ever had a daughter, which I most likely wouldn’t, I’d want her to be like Peyton.

  “That’s the school that specializes in helping kids with dyslexia, right?”

  “Yep. The teachers are great. Her reading score went up three grade levels during the first semester.”

  “That’s awesome!” I enjoyed hearing about her family. Living vicariously through her was one of the things I liked most about our chats. “How’s the little guy?”

  “He’s great; getting huge. I’ll email you some pic—Hold on a sec.” She covered the receiver and spoke to someone in the same room for a few seconds. “Hey, sorry about that. I have to go. Talk to you later?”

  “Sure. Thanks for calling.”

  “Of course. Take care of yourself.” There she went with the mothering again.

  “You too. Bye.”

  As soon as the call was disconnected, I sat up in my bed. There was no point in trying to go back to sleep now; I was already too awake. My phone said it was close to eleven, which was what time I normally woke up, but I hadn’t fallen asleep until almost six this morning. My brain just wouldn’t turn off when I got home from work.

  After taking a shower and getting dressed, a leftover bagel began calling my name from the kitchen. Sitting on the counter next to the bakery bag was the unopened letter from the university. My fears about the decision it contained came back in full force, so I did the cowardly thing and turned my back to it.

  A knock sounded on my door just as I was about to start the coffeemaker. Carter was looking back at me when I squinted through the peephole.

  “Hey,” I said when I opened the door.

  Still standing in the hallway, he smiled and held up a backpack. “Are you hungry? I thought we could have a picnic in the park today.”

  “Have you slept at all?” Even though he said he didn’t sleep much, it would have taken some time to prepare a picnic lunch.

  “I got home early last night. The thing I was working on wrapped up at four, so I just took a couple of vacation hours instead of finding something else to do.”

  “Didn’t you just start there recently? How do you have vacation time already?”

  “Our union contract gives us a pool of time up front.” He hoisted up the backpack again. “So, what do you say?”

  “That sounds an awful lot like a date,” I replied, stepping back to let him into the apartment.

  “Don’t worry; I know the score. I just thought it would be nice to enjoy the weather before Mother Nature realizes it’s April.”

  “As long as you understand this is in no way a date, I would love to go. Thank you.” I waited for his nod before I continued. “I was kind of hoping I’d see you again today, anyway.”

  “Couldn’t stand the thought of being away from me for more than twenty-four hours?” I was growing quite fond of the devilish grin he wore when teasing me.

  “No.” I smacked his arm. “I have a favor to ask.”

  “Anything,” he replied. The look in his eyes told me he meant it.

  “I still haven’t opened the letter from the university; I’m too nervous.” I picked up the envelope from the counter and fiddled with one of its corners. “Would you open it for me and tell me what it says? Maybe you can soften the blow if it’s bad news.”

  “What makes you think it will be bad news?”

  “When I was accepted into the undergraduate program, the letter came in a large envelope full of pamphlets and forms. This one is small and thin, which worries me.” I chewed on my lip and held the envelope out to him.

  He took the letter and slid it into the back pocket of his jeans. “I’ll open it over lunch.”

  “Thank you. Give me a minute put on my shoes and grab some stuff, and then we can head out.”

  *

  We walked to the park with no real destination in mind. Although I’d lived a block away from it for nearly a year, I’d never taken the time to explore. About halfway between the park entrance near our building and the exit leading to Main Street, we found a small clearing a few yards from the path. The grassy area was spacious but still felt private. The trees encircling the meadow provided shade and, along with the other trees we’d passed along the way, completely blocked our view of the dirt path.

  “This is beautiful,” I said as I walked around to take in everything. Not normally one for nature, I was surprised by how quickly I was falling in love with this little piece of tranquility. When I came upon one of the smaller trees, I stopped and looked up. Unlike its mighty neighbors, this tree only had a small smattering of foliage, which left most of the branches bare. As silly as it may have sounded, I felt a connection to it. We both wanted to be part of something bigger but didn’t quite fit in. We were both surrounded by normalcy—beauty, even—but would never have it for ourselves. For a moment, I wondered if there was any hope for either of us.

  Having realized I’d settled on a spot, Carter handed me the blanket I’d grabbed from the back of my couch. Grabbing two of the corners, I shook it open and spread it out so one edge was up against the lonely tree—my tree. Once I was settled on the ground, leaning against its trunk, Carter handed the backpack to me. Making a huge production out of it, he pulled the letter from his back pocket and then sat to my left.

  Hesitant to acknowledge what was happening, I unzipped the backpack and pulled out sandwiches, chips, apples, and water bottles. “Sorry it isn’t much,” he said when I handed him his lunch.

  “It’s perfect,” I said as I removed the cellophane from my ham and turkey on wheat. Anything beyond the simple meal would have spoiled the atmosphere we’d created.

  “Are you ready?” he asked, waving the letter in front of him.

  “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

  He carefully slid his finger under the flap and then pulled out a single sheet of folded paper. His expression remained neutral as his eyes darted over it.

  “You applied to law school?” he asked without an ounce of inflection in his tone.

  “Yes. Why are you so surprised?” Did he think I wasn’t smart enough to be a lawyer? Maybe the letter was a rejection, which would prove I wasn’t.

  “I thought you wanted to be a social worker.”

  “I majored in social work because I want to practice family law. The degree in social work gave me some of the tools I’ll need to do my job well.”

  “Makes sense. Why that area of law?”

  “I want to help children in bad situations; be an advocate for them.” I took a bite of my sandwich, only to realize I wasn’t patient enough to swallow before asking my next question. “Well, what does it say?” I asked around a mouthful of partially chewed food.

  He must have kicked ass at poker because with an expressionless face and a monotone voice, he said, “You’re—in.”

  When I leapt the short distance into his lap, he had to extend one arm behind him to keep from falling over. Forgetting all of the reasons I needed to keep my distance from him, I held on tightly. Excitement filled me to the brim, and this was the first time I’d had someone to share a major accomplishment with in years. After regaining his balance, he wrapped his arms around me and squeezed.

  “When’s your
next day off?” he asked. “We should celebrate.”

  “I’m not a party girl.”

  “I can tell. That’s one of the things I like about you. Partying isn’t the only way to celebrate, you know.”

  “I was supposed to be off last night and tonight, but I’m covering for a girl who’s sick. I won’t have another day off until a week from tomorrow.” Talking about work made me feel dirty, so I climbed out of his lap and back to the spot against my tree.

  “How are you not completely exhausted?”

  “Trust me, I am. I just hide it well. I always volunteer for extra shifts because I need to finish saving for school. I would’ve had enough by now, but the school is raising tuition for Fall semester.”

  “Why don’t you just take out a student loan? Everyone qualifies.”

  “Because I refuse to go into debt. I will never owe anything to anyone for any reason.”

  “That seems a little extreme.” The look on his face said he thought I was being ridiculous.

  “I have my reasons.” My happiness faded as I thought about why I felt so strongly about having a debt-free existence.

  “Didn’t you take out a loan for your car?”

  “Nope. I saved until I could afford to buy it outright. That didn’t take very long because it’s a piece of shit, but it gets me to work and back.” Opening my bag of chips gave me something else to focus on for a few seconds, which was enough time to change the subject. “Let’s finish eating and go back to your place. We might be able to finish sorting through your boxes by the end of the week if we keep working at it.”

  Nodding, he didn’t say anymore; he must have sensed my discomfort and let the debt conversation go. Knowing when to back off was one of his best qualities. We finished eating in the relative peacefulness of our spot. It wasn’t until I began gathering up the trash that he finally broke the tension between us. “I don’t think I’ll ever be finished unpacking.”

  “We’ll get there.” I shoved the trash into the bag and then got to my feet. “We should make a trip to the thrift store to drop off the stuff we went through yesterday. Once we clear out some space, it’ll feel like we’ve actually accomplished something,” I told him as I handed him the backpack and then brushed off my backside. “It’ll also give us more room to work.”

  “I like how you talk in terms of ‘we’,” he said as he took my hand and started walking.

  “Don’t get too excited; I think of it as a group project.”

  *

  Thursday, we picked up a bucket of fried chicken and went back to our spot in the park. He insisted the days of nice weather would come to an end soon, so he didn’t want to miss a single one. We sat in the same spot under my barren tree. Although my tree didn’t provide any shelter from the sun, we were protected by the leaves of its brothers.

  “Most women I know would want to sit in the sun and work on their tans,” Carter mentioned as I tossed the bone from the drumstick I’d just polished off into the spot we’d designated for trash.

  “I have sunburn-aphobia. I’d rather be pasty white all year long than get even a little bit burned.” I’d learned the hard way that the sting of a sunburn made my job a living hell. Not only was it uncomfortable, it was also extremely distracting in the instances when I needed to focus.

  “Do you have any other phobias?” he asked with a cute smile.

  “That’s not how this works. It’s your turn, buddy.”

  “I’m terrified of mice.”

  “A big, strong guy like you is afraid of an itty-bitty little mouse?” I asked, using the cutest baby voice I could muster.

  “Those beady little eyes make me feel like they’re planning to rip me apart with those razors they call teeth.” His entire body visibly shuddered. “Your turn.”

  “I’m actually not afraid of much.” There was very little that could be worse than what I’d already survived.

  “You’re afraid of relationships.” He spoke quietly, as if testing the waters. It didn’t make much sense, as he’d never been shy about broaching the subject before.

  “I just know better than to get into one.” Yes, I was afraid, but with good reason. For me, a disastrous ending was a sure thing, not just a possibility.

  “I still don’t understand why.” He scrubbed his hands over his face in obvious frustration.

  “It’s different for me than it is for most people. Getting involved with someone would only lead to certain heartbreak. My entire future would also be at stake, so I’d have to trust that person as much as I trust myself.”

  “So, what you’re saying is you haven’t found anyone worth taking a chance on.” It wasn’t hard to translate his statement into what he really wanted to say: So, what you’re saying is I’m not worth it to you.

  My heart broke for him, but there was nothing I could do about it. If anyone was worth it, Carter was, but it wasn’t up to me. It wasn’t as simple as making a decision to try and then working hard to turn it into something that could last. If that were the case, I’d jump at the chance and give it my all. But, in my situation, that wasn’t a possibility. It wasn’t as if I’d had a one-time lapse in judgment or was even the sluttiest slut to ever don a pair of stilettos. Those things had the potential to be forgiven; my reality did not. “It’s not that simple. I wish it was, but it’s not.”

  He lowered his eyes to the ground as he shook his head in disbelief. “I think I’ll be able to finish my apartment on my own.” He stood, taking the bag from me.

  Even though I’d been trying so hard not to, I still hurt him. Tears burned my eyes as I tried to think of something—anything—to say to make it better, but there were no words that could undo the mess I’d created.

  “See you around,” he spat and then walked away without a second glance.

  Chapter Five

  Two episodes deep into a Doctor Who trance, I nearly fell off the couch when the doorbell rang on Friday. The display on the cable box said it was a quarter past noon. After having walked away from me the day before, there was no way it would be Carter. Every so often, the maintenance guy would come to spray for bugs in the middle of the day, but I didn’t remember seeing a notice about it. Still wearing the shorts and wife beater I’d slept in, I figured I was covered up enough to open the door.

  “Ready?” Carter asked as he stepped past me into my apartment.

  I froze. Looking into his eyes, I could see him almost pleading with me. He wanted things to go back to normal just as badly as I did.

  “Do I look ready?” I said, gesturing to my ensemble. “Besides, how do you know I don’t have other plans?”

  “Do you have other plans?” he asked with a raised brow.

  “No, but that’s beside the point.” I grinned at him. “What do you want for lunch today?” Since it wasn’t raining, it was pretty much a given we would go to the park.

  “Chinese?”

  “Sounds good. Why don’t you call ahead while I jump in the shower?”

  And just like that, my world had righted itself.

  About half an hour later, we were walking down the stairs. He was kind of dressed up for some unknown reason, so I’d taken the time to do my hair and makeup and wore my favorite red dress. When he took my hand, I didn’t mind one bit. After what had happened between us the day before, I needed the reassurance from the contact.

  Instead of going to the restaurant to pick up the food, he led me directly to our clearing.

  “What’s all this?” I asked as I inventoried the scene. A short, square table covered with a white linen cloth was placed close to where we usually spread the blanket. Two thick cushions rested on the ground; one across from the other. Gorgeous wildflowers overflowed a vase sitting in the middle of the table amongst four or five Chinese takeout containers.

  “You don’t like it?”

  “I love it; I just don’t understand.”

  “You’ve done so much for me this week, and I wanted to do something special for you.” This must h
ave been his way of trying to fix whatever had broken between us.

  As I looked into his eyes, a soft melody drifted through the air. “Bluetooth,” he answered my unasked question, nodding toward a good-sized speaker on the ground near my tree.

  “How did you manage to do all of this?”

  “A friend owed me one.” He lifted one corner of the table cloth to reveal the coffee table I thought he’d taken to the thrift store.

  Tears welled in my eyes as he guided me to sit on the cushion next to my—no, our—tree.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked with a bit of panic laced in his voice.

  “I can’t believe you went through all of this trouble. No one has ever done anything even remotely like this for me.”

  “I find that hard to believe; this isn’t that much. Surely you’ve won the hearts of dozens of men.”

  “It may not seem like much to you, but it is a lot to me. I told you, I don’t date. I’ve never let anyone get this close before.” After quickly peeking inside a few of the white boxes, I grabbed an eggroll and swallowed a bite in an attempt to loosen the knot in my throat.

  “I wish you would tell me what happened to make you feel this way. I want to help you, and not just because I want to sleep with you.”

  His words, along with his grand gesture, blasted a hole through my thickest wall. Before I could stop myself, the details of the event that had completely fucked me up spilled out. “When I was fourteen, my parents owed a lot of money to a very dangerous man. They couldn’t pay it back, so they gave him my virginity instead.” My arms were wrapped tightly around my middle, trying to hold myself together, refusing to let go long enough to brush the handful of tears from my face. I took a stuttering breath before finishing my short story. “After that, they realized they could use my body to settle most of their other debts. They didn’t stop until I ended up at the free clinic with pelvic inflammatory disease and the doctor questioned them about signs of trauma; they were worried about getting caught.” He came around the table into my small space and managed to pull me into his arms. I rubbed my face against his chest to dry my cheeks and then tried to break free. “It was ten years ago. I don’t need your pity.”