Never to Hope

by Aimie Grey

  After what felt like an eternity, thanks to the elevator stopping on nearly every floor, I finally found myself running down the street toward the club. Within minutes, I walked in and cursed the long-ass line to pay the cover. My expression must have screamed “angry man on a mission”, because no one said a word when I cut to the front.

  As soon as I made it inside, I spotted a brunette couple waving their arms in the air to get my attention.

  “Are you Carter?” The woman asked as I went to my girl, passed out with her head on a table.

  “Yes.” I wasn’t interested in talking but did so anyway since these people had helped me. “Thanks for keeping an eye on her.”

  “No problem. I’m Madison and this is Sawyer. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

  “Yeah, same here.” Squatting beside her, I managed to get my arms around Alissa and then stood with her in my arms. With a few adjustments, I draped her over my shoulder. It wasn’t the way I would have preferred to carry her, but it was the best I could do in her current condition.

  “Did you drive?” Sawyer asked.

  “No, I walked.” Well, technically I ran.

  “How are you getting back to the hotel? Both of you are going to be sore tomorrow if you carry her like that the whole way; that’s assuming you don’t get stopped by a cop on suspicion of kidnapping.”

  I thought back to my days of wearing a badge and considered what I would have done if I’d come across a similar scenario. Even without the badge, I would’ve still stopped to ask some questions. “Do you have a better idea?”

  “Sit down with her for a minute. I’ll have the valet pull our truck around, and we’ll drive you back.”

  “Will we all fit in a truck?” Was this guy stupid? Did he expect me to ride in the bed of a pickup with Alissa? Even if it was only five blocks, I refused to risk her safety.

  “It’s an SUV. He likes to call it a truck because it sounds manlier,” Madison said with a smile. “I’ll go with him and text Alissa’s phone when they bring it to the front.”

  “Okay, thanks.” Sitting down, I shifted Alissa to my lap, picked up her phone from the table, and waited.

  *

  Alissa regained consciousness on the elevator ride back to our room. “I can walk,” she insisted even though she wasn’t able to speak clearly. She struggled to get down, so I carefully placed her on her feet in the corner of the elevator car. She seemed to be doing fine until it was time move, at which point she nearly fell on her face. I wrapped my arms around her to keep her upright as we slowly made our way down the hall.

  Nearly tripping, Alissa giggled as she pushed her way into the room after I unlocked the door. I moved in front of her so I could catch her in case she passed out again. Her eyes tried and failed to focus on my face while she poked my chest with her index finger—hard. “I want to be mad at you, but you’re just so damn cute. C’mon, let’s fuck,” she slurred. “I’ve been a bad girl, so you can ’pank me.”

  “You’re drunk,” I stated, grateful the room was dark so she couldn’t see the incredulous look that was surely on my face. I should have been grateful she was here at all and that she was laughing rather than yelling, or even worse, crying.

  “Only a little,” she said as she flopped down on one of the double beds, which was surely a thoughtful gift from Thomas.

  “A little my ass.” No longer concerned about keeping her upright, her comment finally sank in. “Wait a minute; did you say you were a bad girl?”

  “Yup,” she mumbled before passing out cold.

  Not able to shut off my brain, I sat in the armchair and stared at the bed where she slept. Each minute that passed grated on my nerves; each hour brought increasingly disturbing visions of what she and Thomas might have done. Thinking about her dancing with Thomas, remembering the way we’d danced at a similar club, remembering what we did in the office that night… Cleaning out the mini-bar was the only thing that allowed me to finally drift off and forget my worries for a brief time.

  I woke up with the sun, but it was close to noon by the time Alissa stirred. I only gave her enough time to get her bearings before I started questioning her. “What the fuck were you doing with him for five fucking hours?” I was upset but kept my voice down. Her head had to be pounding, and I didn’t want to add to her pain.

  “Nothing. We just talked and met up with our friends and went dancing.” Her voice was still rough with sleep. The reminder they had fucking mutual friends threatened to raise my anger level from orange to more of a burnt umber. “My mouth is gross, and I’m thirsty. Do we have a bottle of water or something?”

  “Like a double date?” I asked, handing her the four dollar water from the top of the entertainment unit. “Like the double date we went on with Brandy and Gary?” Memories of the hottest encounter I’d had in months returned, and I fought the same urge to claim her that I’d had the day before.

  Alissa took a long drink before answering my question. “No, like a bunch of friends.” The question she was forming played out on her face as she screwed the lid back onto the top of the bottle. “Do you trust me?”

  “Yes.” She’d asked me that question before, and my answer hadn’t changed.

  “Did you really think I would’ve fucked Thomas?” With those words, the dam holding back my fear broke, taking the anger with it.

  “Can I be totally honest with you?”

  “Of course,” she said, but her eyes asked me not to.

  “I’m not always sure what you’re thinking. There are times when I’m completely certain you love me and then others when I have doubts. I’m not trying to twist your arm, but it’s hard for me to be confident in us when it feels like I’ve had to push for every milestone we’ve reached.”

  “You’re right, and I’m sorry.” She picked at the label on the bottle as she continued. “I’m also sorry for going out with Thomas last night; that was horrible of me. It’s just, I was finally starting to see Alissa again, and the thought that you see Lisa when you look at me makes me sick.”

  “We both messed up. I don’t see her. I’ve never seen her. I was insanely jealous of Thomas, and I let it get the better of me. I didn’t mean to hurt you when I said what I said.” I tiptoed around saying the name Lisa. “I know that’s a painful subject for you, and I didn’t think before I spoke. This is one of those mistakes I’ll learn from and not make again.” I closed the short distance and sat beside her on the bed.

  “I know how you feel about Thomas, and I went out with him anyway to punish you for a mistake. I know I overreacted, and I’ll work with Dr. Wyles to get that under control. Might not be a quick fix, but in the meantime, I will do my best to think things through before reacting.” Tentatively, she reached over and threaded her fingers through mine. “Maybe we can figure out a way you can gently point it out to me if you see it happening.”

  “How about next week I go with you to see Dr. Wyles on Monday and Thursday? I think we can use the extra session to work through this.”

  “I’d like that,” she said quietly. “You know, the last few weeks have been hard, but I think they’ve revealed a lot about our relationship.”

  “Do you mean that in a bad way?” I asked, trying to keep the panic from my voice. Did she think we were destined to fail since we’d hit a few bumps?

  “Not at all. At one of my sessions with Dr. Wyles, she told me it was normal for couples to argue. She said it shows two people care about each other because they wouldn’t bother fighting if they didn’t. Maybe this proves we’re finally turning into a ‘normal’ couple…whatever normal looks like. I mean, if you didn’t truly care about me, you wouldn’t be jealous. And if you hadn’t been jealous beyond reason, you wouldn’t have made that comment.”

  She was absolutely right. We were resilient, and the rough patch we’d just gone through proved it. “I love you, and I’m always going to be worried someone will take you from me, but I’m going to work on reining it in. I’m going to schedule some one-on-
one appointments with Dr. Wyles for myself.” I took her hand and pressed it to my lips. All of the talk about jealousy reminded me of my excursion the night before. “I have a present for you.”

  “A present?” She perked up for the first time since she’d awoken.

  “Yeah, I picked it up last night.” I went to my suitcase and pulled out a white shirt box wrapped with a single red ribbon. “I wasn’t sure when I’d have a chance to give it to you.”

  “What is it?” she asked as I handed it to her.

  “Open it and see.”

  Instead of opening it, she examined the box for a few moments. “Clothes? Unmentionables?” she asked after squeezing the middle of the thin, flexible box.

  “Quit asking and just look.”

  “I don’t remember the last time I received a wrapped present, and I want to savor the experience,” she said as she parted the lid from the base slightly and wiggled her hand in between for additional sensory exploration.

  She flashed me an excited glance and then turned her attention back to the box. Finally pulling off the ribbon, she peeked inside and removed the folded black fabric. “Holy fuck!” she shouted when she unfolded it. “Where did you get this? It looks so real.” She instantly recognized the Reaper’s Girl shirt, which looked exactly like the one worn by Reaper’s wife, Harmony Stewart. “I love the one the girls at work made for me, but there’s something awesome about having a realistic-looking knockoff.” She turned it over in her hands, examining every inch of it.

  “It is real…well, kind of. It’s not the one she wore, but it’s identical to hers,” I said, trying to soak in all of the joy Alissa radiated because of my gift.

  “That’s not possible. That one was made exclusively for her. Did they start selling them?”

  “No, it’s kind of a long story. I called Max after you left last night, and—”

  “Hold on. We had an argument and the first thing you did was call your ex-girlfriend?” Her entire face clenched.

  “If you’d let me finish…” I tapped the end of her crinkled nose and then waited for her facial muscles to relax before I continued. “Max and I are friends, nothing more.” Probably not even that anymore. “I called her to help me figure out how to fix my fuck-up. While I was talking to her, I remembered that Lance, one of the guys she works with, used to live in Orange County and did some contract work in the entertainment industry back in the day. Max told me he worked with a few record labels. After I got his number from her, I more or less hung up and immediately called Lance.” I’d tell Alissa about what Max had said before I hung up, but now wasn’t the time. “When I told him what I wanted to do, he gave me their manager’s number. Luckily, I was able to get through to Rick, and he actually took the time to listen as I explained the situation to him. I told him about the homemade shirt the girls made for you, and he gave me an address in Huntington Beach and said he’d make a call.”

  “You drove all the way to Orange County and back for me?” She wrapped me in her arms, nearly squeezing the breath out of me.

  “I’d go anywhere for you.” I buried my lips in her hair and cherished the feeling of her body against mine.

  “Does this mean you’re okay with me being Reaper’s Girl every once in a while?”

  “If I have to share your heart, I’d rather it be with a married rock star than someone who’d try to take you away from me.”

  “This means the world to me.” I knew she wasn’t just talking about the shirt itself. Alissa pulled back to look at me and chewed on her lower lip. I reached across the small distance and freed it with my thumb.

  “What’s wrong? I thought you’d be happy.”

  “I am, it’s just…”

  “Tell me. We are going to make this work, which means we need to be open and honest with each other.”

  “It’s just I’m a little uncomfortable about the whole Max situation. I don’t know your history—at this point, I really don’t want to—but it bothers me that the two of you are so close. I mean, you told her about my past, my insecurities…that was stuff I thought would stay between us. I know I sound petty, and it’s not that I want to control who you’re friends with, but it hurts. And then you call her when we have a fight…”

  “I’m sorry, baby. I never intended to hurt you.” I pulled Alissa back into my chest and stroked her hair. “I was spending so much time with Max, and I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Since Max and I are friends, it just all spilled out. I promise I’ll never betray your confidence again.”

  Deciding I needed to be as forthcoming as I’d asked her to be, I took a deep breath before I spoke again. “Turns out, you may be right about being uncomfortable with Max. Before we hung up last night, she hinted she might want me back.”

  Alissa jerked out of my hold. “What did you say?”

  “I made sure she knew I only want you. It’s time for me to step back from her. Even if you weren’t uncomfortable with her, after what she said last night, I am. You are the most important person in my world, and I don’t need any drama from her.”

  “Thank you,” she said quietly. “You’re the most important person to me, too.” She picked up her new shirt and smiled. “I really do love this.”

  “Oh, that’s not all.” If she loved the shirt that much, she would have an aneurism over my second bit of news.

  “How can there possibly be more?”

  “When I spoke with Rick, I told him about everything you do for the girls at Saint Jerome’s and how they all love Black Friday. He called me when I was on my way back to LA. Said he’d talked to the guys, and they want to do something special for the girls. When they get home from their tour, they’re going to do a live video chat with the girls. They would do it sooner, but their schedule is too crazy to plan for it while they’re on the road.”

  Alissa sat there staring at me, not making a single sound for the longest time. When her shock wore off, she swung one of her legs over me, straddling my thighs. A moment later, we were completely lost in a kiss, the shirt momentarily forgotten.

  “You have such a big heart,” she said when she came up for air. “Yes, you did these things for me, but you also did them for my girls.” I memorized the look of love on her face, knowing I would pull it out whenever I had doubts or needed the words she might never say. The moment was broken when her phone rang, and Thomas’s name lit up the display.

  “Go ahead,” I said, knowing I needed to start dealing with my issues.

  “No. He can wait,” she replied and then slammed her lips back onto mine.

  EPILOGUE

  Carter

  We’d missed the flight home Thomas had booked for us, so we waited at LAX on standby for hours before two seats opened up on a flight to Vegas, which was one of the airline’s hubs. We could’ve left earlier, but we would’ve had to take separate planes, which was out of the question for both of us.

  From Vegas, we ended up catching a red-eye into Indianapolis, and with the difference in time zones, we landed around five in the morning on Friday. During our long wait at the Las Vegas airport, Alissa and I had a completely open and honest conversation about all of our insecurities. It all boiled down to her being afraid I’d realize I could do better and my fear she would walk away at any moment because it felt as if she always had one foot out the door. We thought about ways to resolve our issues, and one idea stuck out. As crazy as it sounded, it just felt right to both of us. On the flight home from Vegas, we used my laptop and the plane’s Wi-Fi to come up with a plan.

  “Do you want to take a nap?” I asked Alissa when we arrived at our apartment shortly before six. Luckily we hadn’t been in California long enough to adjust to the three-hour time difference. “You didn’t get any sleep on the plane.”

  “No, I’m too excited to sleep. You?”

  “Same here.” I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been so antsy. “How about we take a shower and eat something? Hopefully, by the time we finish getting ready, it will be late enou
gh to get started on our errands.”

  “Sounds perfect; however, after reading all of those placards in the hotel bathroom about water conservation, I’m in the mood to save the planet this morning,” she said.

  “That’s because Southern California is usually in a drought and also has to import water from other areas.” Of all days, did she really not want to take showers? “We don’t have that problem here.”

  “Put your smart brain to use and think about what I just said.” Alissa stood there, looking at me as if I were stupid, waiting for me to connect the dots. “How can we reduce our water usage and still get clean?”

  “Oh!” I exclaimed when it finally sank in. “I definitely think we should save water, but I want to save that one thing for later, if it’s okay with you.” I’d waited months, and I was determined to wait a few more hours to make it even more special.

  “I think we can work around it,” she said and winked at me. She took my hand and led me to the bathroom.

  By the time we took turns soaping each other up from head to toe—several times—we’d definitely used way more water than we would have if we’d showered separately. I don’t think either of us really cared.

  Once again, living in the heart of the city paid off. Even with the extra time we spent in the shower, we were still dressed and out the door in plenty of time to reach our destination.

  Alissa and I were the first ones through the doors of the County Clerk’s office when they unlocked the doors promptly at eight, although it was anticlimactic since there wasn’t anyone else waiting to enter.

  We explained our situation to the woman behind the counter, who seemed overly happy for us given the early hour, and asked several important questions to verify the information we’d found online. After she confirmed our findings, she handed us a clipboard and a pen. A few forms and eighteen dollars later, we were on our way, paper in hand.

  Only half an hour had passed, and the mall didn’t open until ten, so we headed down the street to a small shop three blocks over to pick up a couple of things. “It’s okay to spend money on this, right?” Alissa asked. I wasn’t surprised by her question, but I’d never stop admiring her selfless nature.