The Bridesmaid's Secret

by Fiona Harper

  But sleep wouldn’t come.

  The accusation Romano had flung at her ran round her head, screaming, making her temples throb.

  Why, when anyone wanted to get close, did she push them away? It was a reflex she didn’t have any control over. Where had that come from?

  It didn’t take long for her subconscious to provide a clue. She saw herself as a child, sitting halfway up the old pine tree, shivering in the dark. The memory of the cold air on her skin, the prickle of the needles against her arms was very clear. What was less clear was the reason for the tongue-lashing Mamma had given her, but she recalled the look on her mother’s face, the one that said once again she hadn’t lived up to expectations, that her best just wasn’t good enough.

  She’d sat up in that tree for hours and had promised herself that whenever she got told off in the future, she wouldn’t cry and try to cuddle Mamma again, because that only made her crosser. No, from then on she’d decided she wouldn’t make a sound, wouldn’t shed a tear. She’d show Mamma she could be a good girl. Even if Mamma didn’t believe it, she’d save herself a few smacks for ‘making a fuss’.

  So when her mother had finally found her late that evening, Jackie had calmly climbed back down to the ground and had taken her punishment without even a whimper.

  Somewhere along the line—probably not long after her father had been kicked out—Mamma had decided she was ‘difficult’. The label had stuck, even though Jackie had tried a hundred times to peel it off and prove her mother wrong. Why could she never see that? Why was she always so sure she was right?

  How did you deal with someone like that? Trying to change their mind was like trying to stop the earth and start it spinning in the other direction.

  With these hopeless thoughts in her head, Jackie set her alarm for six-thirty and drifted off into a tense sleep. But the spinning didn’t stop. It carried on through her dreams, shaking loose everything she held to be true, turning her over and over until she wasn’t sure which way was up.

  Kate came and stood next to Romano as he helped the driver load cases into the boot of the car.

  ‘She’s not coming, is she?’

  He put an arm round his daughter and squeezed her to him. ‘I don’t know.’

  Kate sagged against him. ‘It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have said those things. I was horrible and I don’t even know why I did it! It’s just sometimes, all this stuff is boiling up inside and it all comes out.’

  He placed a hand on each of her shoulders and turned her towards him. ‘Family…’ he said, and added an arm gesture that encompassed the English he couldn’t remember. ‘This is not easy for any of us. Family is so…so…’

  What was the word he was after? It was right there on the tip of his tongue.

  A small wry smile curled the edge of Kate’s mouth. ‘Complicated?’

  Romano nodded. ‘Sì. Complicato.’

  He shut the boot of the taxi and opened the door for his daughter. What more could anyone say?

  An hour before the alarm went off Jackie opened her eyes.

  Oh, hell. Romano was right. She was just like her mother.

  Why her brain had processed this unfortunate realisation during the night and had decided to wake her with it was a mystery. She rolled over onto her other side and kicked something hard.

  Ouch.

  Her case.

  It was a sign. She might as well catch up on the packing she’d forgone last night. She didn’t have to be at Heathrow until ten, but it always made her feel better once her case was all zipped and padlocked and sitting obediently by the front door.

  Coffee first. She slid on some dark pyjama bottoms and an old T-shirt.

  Once her coffee was made she went back upstairs and decided she would have to completely redo her case. She didn’t even remember what she’d chucked in there last night while she’d been rowing with Romano.

  As she walked back into the bedroom she noticed a scrap of paper on the dressing table. She didn’t remember leaving anything there so she leaned over to get a better look.

  Flight number and time. Destination. Airport.

  But not her flight. Not her destination.

  She turned her back on the note and walked over to the bed, took a large slurp of coffee, then rested the mug on the bedside table.

  Unpacking and reorganising the emotions that were fermenting inside her would just have to wait until later. After New York, probably. There was no way she was going to risk breaking down at the airport or on the plane. Right now she needed something mundane to keep her distracted. Packing a suitcase sounded like the perfect job.

  She flipped the lid of her case open and squinted at the contents.

  Really?

  What had she been thinking packing that blouse? It was so last season.

  She tugged it out, intending to get it back on a hanger as soon as possible, but something underneath it in the case caught her eye.

  The ugliest pair of flip-flops she’d ever seen.

  Eye-piercing turquoise with plastic shells and sea creatures on them.

  Gingerly, she reached out and traced a bright orange seahorse with the tip of a nail. It wasn’t enough. She picked the flip-flops up and hugged them to her. The soles pressed against her T-shirt, stamping zoo dirt onto her chest.

  She didn’t cry; she wouldn’t let herself.

  Unravelling was for later, remember?

  So she peeled the flip-flops away from herself and placed them neatly on the floor, a good distance from the rest of her packing, just in case she was tempted. Then she stared straight ahead.

  She needed to order a taxi.

  It had slipped her mind last night and if she didn’t get on the phone soon, she’d have a terrible job getting to the airport in time. Mechanically, she reached for the phone.

  Romano stood with Kate and Sue at the check-in desk. For the first time in his life he envied the people flying economy. There were no queues to delay his party at the business-class desk and he’d gladly have put up with non-existent leg room and a snotty kid kicking the back of his seat if it meant just a few more minutes before they went through security.

  He knew he was being stupid, but he’d made a silent bet with himself that she’d appear before they passed through the metal detector and X-ray machines. It was getting closer and closer to their flight departure time, and once they went through into the interior of the airport he knew the chances of Jackie appearing were slim.

  The check-in clerk handed him back his passport and boarding pass and he felt the last shred of hope slip from his grasp. Kate glanced towards the entrance, then pursed her lips slightly.

  And then they were going through security, flinging their bags into little grey plastic trays and removing their shoes. Romano forbade himself to look back, both physically and mentally. He had something really worthwhile to live for now, much more important than seeing his family name on a label in someone’s clothes. Now he had a family to pass that name on to, and it mattered in a way he’d never thought possible.

  Just as he was helping Sue wrestle her hand luggage off the conveyor belt, there was some kind of commotion behind them. He ignored it at first, too drained to spend any emotional energy on anyone but his little party, but then someone yelled, ‘Do I look as if I’m carrying any hand luggage to you?’ and all the hairs on the back of his neck lifted and tingled.

  He dropped the bag he was holding and spun round.

  Right there, giving the female security officer at the metal detector the evil eye, was Jackie. At least, he thought it was Jackie.

  This woman had no make-up on, her hair was half hanging out of a ponytail and she was wearing an old lilac fleece and a pair of… What were they? Jogging bottoms? And on her feet were the ugliest pair of flip-flops he’d ever seen.

  Kate froze to the spot beside him and Sue crowded in protectively. Jackie stopped waving her passport and boarding pass at the woman in the uniform—he didn’t want to think about where she had
her money hidden in that outfit—but then she looked up and saw them standing there, watching her. Multiple emotions flickered across her face. Relief. Frustration. Joy. Panic. When the woman officer nodded to indicate she could pass through, Jackie pulled herself to her full five feet six and walked through the arch with her head held high.

  Even though his overriding instinct was to laugh out loud, Romano kept his face under control. She’d done well by turning up, but she still had a way to go before it was time for hugs and celebrations.

  ‘Sorry I’m late,’ she said, and brushed a tangled strand of hair out of her face. She turned to Kate. ‘I need to talk to you.’

  Kate was so tense, he thought her over-long teenage body would snap if she moved. He knew she was desperate for some show of emotion from Jackie, but the need to put on a good front must be genetic, because right now she was looking as approachable as…well, as Jackie usually did.

  Kate folded her arms. ‘So talk.’

  Jackie’s face fell. ‘Here?’

  Her daughter just pressed her lips together and nodded.

  Jackie took in a breath and blew it out. ‘Okay. Here it is, then.’

  Where did she start? There was so much she wanted to say, so much she’d left unsaid. Which of the hundred possible speeches she’d rehearsed in the taxi did she pull out of the bag?

  Then she remembered how Romano had talked to Kate. Not so much in the words as in the delivery. And she knew she had to start right back at the beginning. She wanted to pull Kate into a hug, take hold of her hands, but Kate’s body language told her she’d better not try. The best she could do was look her daughter in the eyes and tell her the truth. No varnish. No gloss.

  ‘I did name you,’ she said, and discovered her knees had just gone all cotton wool-like. ‘Right after you were born.’

  Kate’s eyes widened. ‘You did?’

  Jackie nodded furiously. ‘But I didn’t tell anyone. It was a secret name, one just for me.’

  Oh, hell, her voice was cracking and she really, really needed to sniff. Kate did it first, and Sue produced a couple of tissues from her capacious hand luggage and offered one to each of them.

  ‘I knew I had to—’ her face crumpled and she struggled to get the next few words out without completely going to pieces ‘—give you away.’ Nope. That was it. The tears fell. Her throat swelled up. Kate was staring at her, as if she were a being from outer space. Jackie decided to keep going while she was still able to croak. ‘It seemed selfish to tell anyone. It wouldn’t have been fair to your new parents…’

  She glanced at Sue, expecting to see her normal guard-dog expression, but instead found a warm smile and a look of compassion.

  Kate stepped forward and her arms dropped to her sides. ‘What…what did you call me?’

  Jackie had never babbled in her life. Not until now, anyway.

  ‘That first day, when they let me hold you in the hospital…’ She took a great gurgling sniff. ‘It would be healthy for me to say goodbye, the social worker said. She was nice…’ She paused as a mental picture flashed in her brain and she smiled in response. ‘I swear her arms were as thick as my thighs. And she smelled of peppermints and talcum powder. Sorry… I seem to remember every silly detail of that day.’

  The four of them were like statues. Passengers coming out of the security checks were pushing past and muttering about people getting in the way, but they didn’t move.

  Jackie sniffed. ‘You can’t laugh or hate me for it. I was sixteen and had very funny ideas about things…’

  Sue nodded and glanced across at her adoptive daughter. ‘Tell me about it.’

  Kate blushed.

  Jackie wanted to cry and laugh and smile all at the same time. She managed two out of three. ‘I called you Adrina, after the lake near Romano’s home. It means “happiness”.’

  Sue nodded. ‘That’s beautiful.’

  ‘Well, she was.’ Jackie looked Kate in the eyes. ‘You were. And it tore my heart out to give you away. Don’t ever think that I didn’t care. I did. But I only let myself feel it for that one day. After that I had to make myself not care, or I never would have survived. And that’s why I struggle sometimes…’

  Kate frowned. Jackie could see the disbelief in her eyes. ‘Because you don’t care any more? Because it worked?’

  ‘No!’ Here came the tears again. It was just as well she wasn’t wearing any mascara. ‘Because I do care! I love you, Kate…so much. And I’ve wanted to tell you so many times, but I’ve taught myself to bury it deep and hide it well. And, even if I do say so myself—’ she gave a weak smile ‘—I’m an excellent teacher. I’m sorry. It’s going to take me some time to unlearn all those hard lessons and I’m afraid you are just going to have to be patient with me. One day I’ll be a woman who’ll make you proud.’

  She held her breath and waited, then Kate, who had been looking fiercer and fiercer all through her speech, launched herself into Jackie’s arms and held her tight. Jackie, who had never held her daughter since that day in the hospital, wept freely, making the most unattractive noises, and hugged Kate back.

  Eventually they separated themselves. Kate reached for the tissue that she’d stuffed in her jeans pocket and decided that it had no more uses left in it. She looked hopefully at Sue.

  Sue shrugged. ‘I’m all out. Let’s go and find some more.’ And discreetly she led Kate away in the direction of the Ladies’.

  Jackie turned to Romano, who had been standing slightly to the side, and had been silent all through her outburst. He smiled at her.

  ‘Where did you get that lovely jacket?’ he said, with a twinkle in his eye.

  ‘It belongs to my housekeeper. I found it by the front door.’

  ‘It’s a well-known fact that what a person wears says a lot about them. What do you think your clothes are shouting about you right at this moment, Ms Patterson?’

  Oh, help. By the time she’d decided to try and catch them it had been too late to do anything but jump in the cab and tip the driver exorbitantly so he’d make it to London City Airport in time. What must she look like? She was standing here in front of the man she loved in cheap flip-flops, her housekeeper’s dog-walking fleece and her pyjama bottoms. Whatever that was saying, she wasn’t sure anyone wanted to hear it.

  ‘That I was in a hurry?’ she said optimistically.

  Romano just threw his head back and laughed out loud. And then he wrapped his arms around her and lowered his head until his lips were almost touching hers. ‘No,’ he said quietly. ‘This is the most beautiful I have ever seen you.’ And he kissed her, softly, tenderly, deliciously, to drive the point home. ‘Today, your clothes say that you are on the outside who you have always been on the inside—a woman of great courage, great strength and great love.’

  Jackie smiled against his lips. ‘Really? You got all that from an old lilac fleece? I must wear it more often.’

  Romano kissed her once more. Or she kissed him, she wasn’t sure which, and then he took her passport and papers from her and tucked them into his bag.

  ‘I don’t think the New York fashion gurus are ready for this look yet, so it’s just as well you are coming home with me.’

  EPILOGUE

  NOT long after there was another wedding at the courthouse in Monta Correnti, followed by a small reception for family and friends. Tables and chairs from a restaurant in the piazza outside the church were rearranged to accommodate the bridal party and their guests.

  Musicians appeared and serenaded the bride and groom, and wedding guests and locals began to dance in the piazza and the air was filled with song and laughter.

  Late in the evening their youngest bridesmaid tottered over the cobbles on her new high heels and handed the bride and groom a medium-sized, slightly wonkily wrapped present.

  Jackie gave her daughter a kiss on the cheek. ‘You didn’t have to get us anything! Just the fact that you came was enough.’

  Kate just smiled shyly. ‘Open it.’


  Romano slid it across the table to his brand-new wife and she carefully peeled off the bow and wrapping paper. Inside was a big scrapbook. Jackie opened the cover, then instantly covered her mouth with her fingers. On the first page was a picture of a dark-haired baby, grinning toothlessly at the photographer. And after that was page after page of memories—photographs, programmes from school concerts, certificates and badges. It left the bride and groom completely speechless.

  ‘Sue helped me put it together,’ Kate explained.

  Jackie picked it up and hugged it to her chest. ‘Thank you,’ she whispered. ‘You don’t know how much this means.’

  ‘I think I do. I just wanted to say that I understand now, and that I’m sorry I didn’t share these moments with you…’ She paused and scrunched her face up. ‘But I can’t be sorry you gave me to Dave and Sue, either.’

  A look of sudden horror passed over her features, and Jackie reached out and took her hand. ‘That’s how it should be, sweetheart,’ she said. ‘Of course you love them.’

  Jackie stood up and pulled her daughter into a hug.

  ‘I love you too, Mum,’ Kate whispered in her ear, and by doing so she gave the bride a wedding present beyond price and compare.

  They held each other for the longest time, until Kate tugged herself gently away. ‘I’m going to go now.’ She glanced at where people were dancing in the piazza. ‘A really cute boy asked me to dance.’

  Romano straightened in his seat and started to look around. Jackie just patted him on the arm and told him to ‘stand down’, and then they kissed their daughter again and watched her wobble her way back across the cobbles towards where the dancing was.

  Later that evening, Jackie and Romano left the town partying and crept away to a little island on a nearby lake for the start of their stay-at-home honeymoon. They walked out onto the terrace, a glass of champagne each, and stared across the lake as it winked the stars back to them.

  ‘I can’t quite believe the pair of us managed to produce a human being quite as perfect as Kate is,’ Jackie said softly.