Heart

by Nicola Hudson

  I wondered if any of the people who had followed the advice of these websites were now happily married, with 2.4 children. And a dog. And a mortgage. Focus, Neve.

  “So, when should I do it?”

  “Unless you want to wait until next time you’re up, you’ll have to see him tomorrow. Which means ringing him today.” Shit. That felt soon. Very soon.

  “I guess it does. Umm, do you want to watch a film? TV?” However, Little Miss Assertive was not going to let me procrastinate.

  “No. I want you to ring him.”

  “Now? What do I say?”

  “Yes, now. And you’ve already worked it out – it’s point two in the plan!”

  “But what if he’s at work? Or not alone? Or not able to get to the phone and then I think he’s ignoring me when really he isn’t and I don’t ring him again and spend the rest of my life alone and get eaten by my Alsatian and people only find my bones years later?”

  “Oh, bloody hell, Neve. Where’s your phone?” She picked it up from the bed and, after a few taps, placed it on the desk. “There you go. Your fate is in his hands now. Let’s just hope he’s a bit more decisive than you are!”

  I hoped he was, too.

  Myrtle: Can I call you?

  You know how people say your heart skips a beat? Well, my heart skips a whole fucking song.

  Four words and I’m breathless.

  Four words and I’m ready to scream ‘Yes!’ until my lungs explode.

  Four words I’ve been dying to hear without knowing it. Every nerve ending is a power surge, jolting me back into the world.

  I am alive.

  Four words and she brings me back to life.

  But then reality kicks in. This isn’t about my life. It’s about hers. If I let her back in, all of this pain, all of her pain, will have been for nothing.

  “You okay, Jake?” Grace’s voice stills the thoughts competing for attention, turning my head into a whirlpool of conflicting emotions. Maybe a girl’s perspective is what I need.

  “Neve just texted me, asking if we could talk.”

  “So why aren’t you already on the phone, talking to her, begging her to take you back? I take it you’re going to forgive her? I can’t stand the way you’ve been moping around for the last few weeks.” She pauses. “Unless she cheated on you, of course. Then ring her, tell her to bugger off and get on with your life!” There’s no way around this; if I’m going to get Grace’s advice, I need to man up and tell her the full story.

  “It wasn’t Neve who dumped me,” I begin, before telling her pretty much every gory detail. To her credit, she doesn’t talk, doesn’t flinch, doesn’t judge. When I’m finished, she walks over and hugs me. I could cry but I’ve done enough crying lately to last me a lifetime.

  “Oh, you are a silly boy,” she says, her smile over-riding the patronising words. “Don’t you know you can’t make decisions like that for other people? You can’t stop someone loving you, like you can’t stop falling in love, even if it’s with someone you think is the wrong person. Sure, we think we have free will, but we don’t really.

  “It’s like breathing, see? Most of the time, we don’t even register that we’re doing it. Our body carries on, regardless of everything else, just breathing. Keeping us alive. Love is the same. Like those moments when you lie awake at night, only aware of the sound and rhythm of your breath. You don’t know you’re in love, are focused on just loving, until everything else stops. And then it hits you. This is what is keeping you alive. Love.”

  “Shit, Grace, that’s deep. Where did that come from? Please don’t tell me you’re in love?” My fists tighten at the thought of some fuckwit touching her. Ruining her.

  “Nah, I just read a lot. It’s amazing what you can learn from books, you know? You should try it sometime.” Her playful dig lightens the mood a little, giving me the confidence to ask the dreaded question.

  “Should I say yes, then?” After what she just said about breathing, I’m happier to put my fate in the hands of my kid sister. I might as well, after the mess I’ve made of things so far. And, worryingly, she seems to know a lot more about love than I do.

  “Of course, nuthead. But then you’ve got to listen. You took away any say, any choice she had when you pulled that stunt. If you want to get her back, you’ve got to prove to her that you won’t do that again.” She pauses dramatically, relishing the moment of power she has over me. “Honestly? I’m amazed she’s got in touch. I don’t know if I would give you another chance. She must really love you, I guess.” I know Grace is right. I’d given up believing that my future would ever involve Neve again. This chance to build my dreams around her, with her, again is too tempting. I’ve run out of self-control.

  “Flynn said to ring her when I saw him last week,” I admitted.

  “Well, why the hell haven’t you? If he’s forgiven you, that’s all you need to know. Go on, ring her. Now!” She’s out the door before the words have finished leaving her mouth.

  I can’t ring Neve here: Mum and Dickhead could surface at any time. I go to the only sanctuary I have: the park, thankful to be the only person mad enough to be parked here in the rain.

  I sit behind the wheel, phone in hand, trying to believe I have the guts to do this. I walked to the cliff edge before and refused to jump. And regretted it.

  I’m being given a second chance here and I’m not going to make the same mistake twice. Maybe it will all end messily, my body broken on the rocks below, but even that would be better than knowing I didn’t have the balls to do it.

  To love her.

  To give her my heart.

  I jumped more than the phone did as it vibrated across the desk. I didn’t need to look at the screen to know who was calling, but Cass’s cheer, followed by her prompt departure, closing the door behind her, was confirmation.

  Jake.

  Jake.

  Knowing my voicemail would kick in if I didn’t get my guts in gear and touch the screen, I picked the phone up. One swipe of a finger and hope spontaneously combusted inside of me, its flames consuming me from the inside out. I was on fire. Alight.

  “Hi,” was all I could manage and even that sounded shaky.

  “Hi,” was all he could manage and he sounded even shakier. God, that boy. One syllable and I was a molten mess puddled on my bed. I didn’t know what else to say. All I wanted was to crawl into his arms and lie there forever. But I was the one who had suggested the call. Well, Cass was.

  “Thanks for ringing.” Despite all of the planning, I just hadn’t got the words to say how much it meant.

  “Umm, that’s okay. Thanks for texting.” Cue the mother of all awkward pauses. “You okay?”

  “Yes, thanks. You?” Shit. Maybe things weren’t going to return to normal, if the awkwardness was anything to go by. I couldn’t remember one point of the plan, let alone six.

  “Yeah. No. Glad to have got your message.” I heard him sigh. “God, this is awful.” In the pause that followed, I wondered if he was sat there, regretting returning the call. “Neve, I can’t do this on the phone. When are you back home next? I’d rather talk face to face. If that’s okay with you, of course.” The tremble of his voice belied his nerves, his worry, his love. That was all I needed: to know he still loved me.

  “I’m home now,” I whispered, holding my breath. “When can I see you?” My pride turned to dust. I didn’t care about being hard to get. I wanted—no, needed—to see him. Sod the action plan. I didn’t need six steps. I needed him. Now.

  “Anytime. Later? Now? Just tell me when. Please. Please.” My heart disintegrated with the waver in his voice. I wanted to tell him it was okay, that we were okay. Better than okay. Together.

  “Where are you?”

  “The park. Where are you?” The park! I ran out of my room and straight out the front door, phone still clutched in my hand, vaguely hearing Cass shout after me. Vaguely realising it was raining.

  But none of that mattered.

 
Rounding the corner, I could see Jake’s van parked in our usual spot. I paused, wiped the wet tendrils of hair out of my eyes and allowed myself exactly one second to catch my breath.

  “Neve? Neve? Myrtle?” His voice was strange. Tinny. And coming from my hand. I hadn’t even ended the call before running out.

  “Yes. I’m here.”

  “Thank God for that! Where did you go?” Did he think I was bailing on him?

  “Get out of the car, Jake.”

  “What?”

  “Get out of the god-damn car!” I walked slowly, savouring the exact moment when he saw me. And ran toward me. And picked me up, kissing every inch of my face, rivulets of rain joining us. Binding us.

  I couldn’t tell where my tears ended and the smile began. It was all one and the same.

  I was home.

  “Let’s get in the van. You’re soaked,” he said, arms completely enclosing me. “You’ll catch a cold.” Leading me by the hand, he ran us both over to the van. Holding the passenger door open, he shielded me as I got in but I couldn’t let go of his hand. I couldn’t break the contact. It was still too new, too precious.

  “Get in with me,” I said, raising myself so he could sit in the seat before I lowered myself to his lap. I nestled myself under his chin, his arms wrapped around me, feeling his combined warmth and hardness surround me. “Thank you for answering.” It seemed such a trivial statement, considering the joy his reply had brought me.

  “God, how can you sit there and thank me?” Jake shifted so he could look at me. “Fuck, Neve, if you’ve felt even a fraction of the pain I’ve felt over these weeks, I could never forgive myself for causing that. I’m so sorry, so, so sorry.” He hung his head and I wanted to cry for the pain he was still experiencing.

  “Look at me,” I demanded, tangling my hands in his hair and raising his head. “I know why you did it. I think you were wrong, but you did it for what you thought were the right reasons. I know how important Josh and Grace are to you and how you’ve got to keep the promise you made to your dad.” Still gripping his head in my hands, I kissed him slowly. I wanted, needed to have my say. Maybe I was saying it too soon, maybe I was rushing things, but I couldn’t leave it unsaid.

  “But you’ve also got to live your own life. You were a twelve-year-old boy when you made that promise, and you’ve done an amazing job of keeping the family together. But they’re growing up now and you’ve got to let yourself do the same. That one promise can’t dictate our future. I want Grace and Josh to be a part of our lives, but we also need a life beyond them. You need a life beyond them.” I kissed him again, applying a little more pressure this time, trying to distract him from the fear I could see in his eyes. “There are no guarantees in life, Jake. All we can do is make the best of what we have and try not to let the good things go.” Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

  “I still don’t get why you’re not making me beg on my hands and knees right now. I fucked up. Big time. Yet here you are, kissing me and telling me it’s going to be okay. You’re messing with my mind, Myrtle. I hurt you. Really hurt you. Why aren’t you going mad at me?” The sincerity in his eyes was all the apology I needed. For now. In the longer term, it would take time to rebuild my trust, and his faith, in our relationship. But I couldn’t hold back, restrain myself. I had to let my heart rule my head.

  “It’s like that saying: what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. That’s us now. We’re both still here, alive,” I said, holding his hand over my heart. “And we will be stronger because of this. Now I know how much it hurts to lose you, and I will fight to the death to not have to go through that again. And I will personally turn you into a girl with the aid of just a pair of blunt scissors if you are the one putting me through it. Understood?”

  “Yes, Boss,” he replied before pulling me into him. Gently wiping away the remnants of my tears with his callused thumbs, he looked at me. Into me. “I love you, Myrtle. And I promise I will never, ever do anything to hurt you again. On my life.”

  His mouth descended to mine and landed with a surprising softness. His lips closed on mine and I heard, as well as felt, him inhale. My lips were subjected to a rain of light kisses before he paused and ran his tongue along my lower lip. I shuddered, anticipation just about giving me the self-control not to stick my own tongue straight in his mouth. He pulled my lip in, nipping at the tender skin before releasing it and gently kissing it back into place. At the moment when I wondered if he was going to kiss me properly or not, the pressure on my mouth increased and his tongue made its way into my mouth, deepening the kiss and the mood with every movement.

  One of Jake’s hands cupped my breast through my damp top and he brushed his thumb over its peak, causing a sharp intake of breath. Squirming on his lap, I could feel he was as turned on as me and I looked around. The van windows were misted with condensation but I could just about see that the car park was still deserted.

  I pulled back from the kiss with a muttered “Hang on,” and manoeuvred myself to a half-standing position. Despite the quizzical look on his face, Jake still took advantage of the opportunity to push both hands beneath my top and cup my breasts through the thin material of my bra. I swatted his hands away so I could move in the confined space. Thankful I had opted for yoga pants instead of skinny jeans that morning, I shimmied them over my hips and kicked them off. I pulled my damp top over my head, leaving me in just my plain black cotton underwear, Jake’s smile giving me the confidence that more seductive underwear might have helped with.

  I leant down and started to unzip his jeans when his hand stopped mine. Surprised, I looked up.

  “I don’t want to rush things. I want us to take our time. Get to know each other again,” were the earnest words which fell from his smiling mouth. Really?

  “Jake, that sounds really sweet, and I really appreciate the romance and all, but I want you. Now. And I sure as hell can feel that you want me, too,” I added, gripping him through his jeans.

  “I’m being serious. I don’t want to, you know, here, in my van, in a car park. Okay? I’m not saying stop completely. But I am saying I don’t want that. Not here.” But he did move his hand and let me finish unzipping him, releasing him from his jeans. I smiled in victory.

  “Okay.” I straddled him and pulled his head down to mine. The soft romance of the earlier kissing was replaced by a heated battle for dominance as our mouths met once more. My hips involuntarily moved back and forth, coaxing the hard fullness I could feel between my legs. God, it felt good.

  Too good, apparently. His hands gripped my waist, forcing me to sit still before moving higher to lower the cups of my bra. As he took the tip of one of my breasts in his mouth, my back arched and I felt the burning pins and needles start to weave through my veins. One of his hands gripped my waist tightly, giving me no choice but to stay still and surrender as its mate made its way into my knickers.

  This was the Jake I longed for, not the softly-apologising version. I was completely at the mercy of his mouth and hands and I loved it.

  His hold loosened enough for me to start rocking in time with his hand, pressing myself closer and closer onto him, feeling all of him though the cotton of my knickers, willing the barrier to disappear.

  “Remember what I said. Not here, not now,” Jake whispered against my skin, his fingers moving lower, deeper. As I felt the familiar tidal wave creeping up on me, I was determined to take him with me and moved my own hand between us, playing with him for our mutual benefit.

  The wave subsumed us both, drowning us in breathless cries of each other’s names. As it abandoned us to its aftermath, I felt Jake’s heartbeat gradually slow beneath my fingertips, the pulse echoing my own.

  We were alive again.

  That night, we went out for a drink with Cass and Flynn and I was amazed at how easy it was to rekindle much of the way we had been before. It was obvious that both of them believed Jake and I should be together and were happy that their respective help—some might say meddling—had br
ought about the desired result.

  “So, things are going okay, then?” Cass asked when the lads were up at the bar. Her voice was tinged with the irony of someone who had seen we were struggling to keep our hands off each other, audience or no audience.

  “Yeah, we’re good. I can’t believe it was all sorted so quickly.”

  “Is it sorted, though? Or is any of it left unresolved? You’ve got to make sure he knows he can’t do that to you again.”

  “I know that. And so does he. I think we’re going to need a serious conversation at some point about how we’re going to make this work in the longer term but, for now, it’s all okay. Honestly.” I smiled at the sight of Jake making his way back through the pub, a drink in each hand. He was beautiful. He was mine.

  We laughed and touched our way through the next couple of hours, until it was time to go home. Flynn pulled up outside Jake’s house and I climbed out of the backseat to wish him a more private goodbye. Unfortunately, the lights on in pretty much every window signalled that privacy wasn’t an option, so I hugged him close and kissed his chest. Jake wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head.

  “You’ve given me more than I deserve today, Myrtle. I promise you I will spend every day of my life repaying your trust in me. You are my world. Don’t forget that.” Tipping my face up to his, he sealed his promise with a tender kiss before pulling back. “Can I see you tomorrow?”

  “If you pop round in the morning. We’re setting out at lunchtime as Mum wants to get back before it’s too late.”

  “Okay. I’ll be at yours by ten.” His closing kiss was a little less tender but a whole lot more satisfying. “’Night, Myrtle.”

  “’Night, Jake.”

  Josh is lying on his bed when I get to our room, eyes closed and headphones on in a vain attempt to block out the chaos from downstairs. Chaos that I had somehow managed to hide myself from as I stealthily made my way through the house. After ditching most of my clothes, I lean over and tap him on the chest. He still jumps. I guess that’s what living in this house does to you.