Plays Extravagant
Page 4
THE MONSTER. Oh! Oh!! Oh!!! I am so ill! so miserable! Oh, I wish I were dead. Why doesnt she die and release me from my sufferings? What right has she to get ill and make me ill like this? Measles: thats what she’s got. Measles! German measles! And she’s given them to me, a poor innocent microbe that never did her any harm. And she says that I gave them to her. Oh, is this justice? Oh, I feel so rotten. I wonder what my temperature is: they took it from under her tongue half an hour ago. [Scrutinizing the table and discovering the thermometer in the glass]. Here’s the thermometer: theyve left it for the doctor to see instead of shaking it down. If it’s over a hundred I’m done for: I darent look. Oh, can it be that I’m dying? I must look. [It looks, and drops the thermometer back into the glass with a gasping scream]. A hundred and three! It’s all over. [It collapses].
The door opens; and an elderly lady and a young doctor come in. The lady steals along on tiptoe, full of the deepest concern for the invalid. The doctor is indifferent, but keeps up his bedside manner carefully, though he evidently does not think the case so serious as the lady does. She comes to the bedside on the invalid’s left. He comes to the other side of the bed and looks attentively at his patient.
THE ELDERLY LADY [in a whisper sibilant enough to wake the dead] She is asleep.
THE MONSTER. I should think so. This fool here, the doctor, has given her a dose of the latest fashionable opiate that would keep a cock asleep til half past eleven on a May morning.
THE ELDERLY LADY. Oh doctor, do you think there is any chance? Can she possibly survive this last terrible complication.
THE MONSTER. Measles! He mistook it for influenza.
THE ELDERLY LADY. It was so unexpected! such a crushing blow! And I have taken such care of her. She is my only surviving child: my pet: my precious one. Why do they all die? I have never neglected the smallest symptom of illness. She has had doctors in attendance on her almost constantly since she was born.
THE MONSTER. She has the constitution of a horse or she’d have died like the others.
THE ELDERLY LADY. Oh, dont you think, dear doctor – of course you know best; but I am so terribly anxious – dont you think you ought to change the prescription? I had such hopes of that last bottle; but you know it was after that that she developed measles.
THE DOCTOR. My dear Mrs Mopply, you may rest assured that the bottle had nothing to do with the measles. It was merely a gentle tonic –
THE MONSTER. Strychnine!
THE DOCTOR. – to brace her up.
THE ELDERLY LADY. But she got measles after it.
THE DOCTOR. That was a specific infection: a germ, a microbe.
THE MONSTER. Me! Put it all on me.
THE ELDERLY LADY. But how did it get in? I keep the windows closed so carefully. And there is a sheet steeped in carbolic acid always hung over the door.
THE MONSTER. [in tears] Not a breath of fresh air for me!
THE DOCTOR. Who knows? It may have lurked here since the house was built. You never can tell. But you must not worry. It is not serious: a light rubeola: you can hardly call it measles. We shall pull her through, believe me.
THE ELDERLY LADY. It is such a comfort to hear you say so, doctor. I am sure I shall never be able to express my gratitude for all you have done for us.
THE DOCTOR. Oh, that is my profession. We do what we can.
THE ELDERLY LADY. Yes; but some doctors are dreadful. There was that man at Folkstone: he was impossible. He tore aside the curtain and let the blazing sunlight into the room, though she cannot bear it without green spectacles. He opened the windows and let in all the cold morning air. I told him he was a murderer; and he only said ‘One guinea, please’. I am sure he let in that microbe.
THE DOCTOR. Oh, three months ago! No: it was not that.
THE ELDERLY LADY. Then what was it? Oh, are you quite quite sure that it would not be better to change the prescription?
THE DOCTOR. Well, I have already changed it.
THE MONSTER. Three times!
THE ELDERLY LADY. Oh, I know you have, doctor: nobody could have been kinder. But it really did not do her any good. She got worse.
THE DOCTOR. But, my dear lady, she was sickening for measles. That was not the fault of my prescription.
THE ELDERLY LADY. Oh, of course not. You mustnt think that I ever doubted for a moment that everything you did was for the best. Still –
THE DOCTOR. Oh, very well, very well: I will write another prescription.
THE ELDERLY LADY. Oh, thank you, thank you: I felt sure you would. I have so often known a change of medicine work wonders.
THE DOCTOR. When we have pulled her through this attack I think a change of air –
THE ELDERLY LADY. Oh no: dont say that. She must be near a doctor who knows her constitution. Dear old Dr Newland knew it so well from her very birth.
THE DOCTOR. Unfortunately, Newland is dead.
THE ELDERLY LADY. Yes: but you bought his practice. I should never be easy in my mind if you were not within call. You persuaded me to take her to Folkestone: and see what happened! No: never again.
THE DOCTOR. Oh, well! [He shrugs his shoulders resignedly, and goes to the bedside table]. What about the temperature?
THE ELDERLY LADY. The day nurse took it. I havnt dared to look.
THE DOCTOR [looking at the thermometer] Hm!
THE ELDERLY LADY [trembling] Has it gone up? Oh, doctor!
THE DOCTOR [hastily shaking the mercury down] No. Nothing. Nearly normal.
THE MONSTER. Liar!
THE ELDERLY LADY. What a relief!
THE DOCTOR. You must be careful, though. Dont fancy she’s well yet: she isnt. She must not get out of bed for a moment. The slightest chill might be serious.
THE ELDERLY LADY. Doctor: are you sure you are not concealing something from me? Why does she never get well in spite of the fortune I have spent on her illnesses? There must be some deep-rooted cause. Tell me the worst: I have dreaded it all my life. Perhaps I should have told you the whole truth; but I was afraid. Her uncle’s stepfather died of an enlarged heart. Is that what it is?
THE DOCTOR. Good gracious, NO! What put that into your head?
THE ELDERLY LADY. But even before this rash broke out there were pimples.
THE MONSTER. Boils! Too many chocolate creams.
THE DOCTOR. Oh, that! Nothing. Her blood is not quite what it should be. But we shall get that right.
THE ELDERLY LADY. You are sure it is not her lungs?
THE DOCTOR. My good lady, her lungs are as sound as a seagull’s.
THE ELDERLY LADY. Then it must be her heart. Dont deceive me. She has palpitations. She told me the other day that it stopped for five minutes when that horrid nurse was rude to her.
THE DOCTOR. Nonsense! She wouldnt be alive now if her heart had stopped for five seconds. There is nothing constitutionally wrong. A little below par: that is all. We shall feed her up scientifically. Plenty of good fresh meat. A half bottle of champagne at lunch and a glass of port after dinner will make another woman of her. A chop at breakfast, rather underdone, is sometimes very helpful.
THE MONSTER. I shall die of overfeeding. So will she too: thats one consolation.
THE DOCTOR. Dont worry about the measles. It’s really quite a light case.
THE ELDERLY LADY. Oh, you can depend on me for that. Nobody can say that I am a worrier. You wont forget the new prescription?
THE DOCTOR. I will write it here and now [he takes out his pen and book, and sits down at the writing table].
THE ELDERLY LADY. Oh, thank you. And I will go and see what the new night nurse is doing. They take so long with their cups of tea [she goes to the door and is about to go out when she hesitates and comes back]. Doctor: I know you dont believe in inoculations; but I cant help thinking she ought to have one. They do so much good.
THE DOCTOR [almost at the end of his patience] My dear Mrs Mopply: I never said that I dont believe in inoculations. But it is no use inoculating when the the patient i
s already fully infected.
THE ELDERLY LADY. But I have found it so necessary myself. I was inoculated against influenza three years ago; and I have had it only four times since. My sister has it every February. Do, to please me, give her an inoculation. I feel such a responsibility if anything is left undone to cure her.
THE DOCTOR. Oh very well, very well: I will see what can be done. She shall have both an inoculation and a new prescription. Will that set your mind at rest?
THE ELDERLY LADY. Oh, thank you. You have lifted such a weight from my conscience. I feel sure they will do her the greatest good. And now excuse me a moment while I fetch the nurse. [She goes out].
THE DOCTOR. What a perfectly maddening woman!
THE MONSTER [rising and coming behind him] Yes: aint she?
THE DOCTOR [starting] What! Who is that?
THE MONSTER. Nobody but me and the patient. And you have dosed her so that she wont speak again for ten hours. You will overdo that some day.
THE DOCTOR. Rubbish! She thought it was an opiate; but it was only an aspirin dissolved in ether. But who am I talking to? I must be drunk.
THE MONSTER. Not a bit of it.
THE DOCTOR. Then who are you? What are you? Where are you? Is this a trick?
THE MONSTER. I’m only an unfortunate sick bacillus.
THE DOCTOR. A sick bacillus!
THE MONSTER. Yes. I suppose it never occurs to you that a bacillus can be sick like anyone else.
THE DOCTOR. Whats the matter with you?
THE MONSTER. Measles.
THE DOCTOR. Rot! The microbe of measles has never been discovered. If there is a microbe it cannot be measles: it must be parameasles.
THE MONSTER. Great Heavens! what are parameasles?
THE DOCTOR. Something so like measles that nobody can see any difference.
THE MONSTER. If there is no measles microbe why did you tell the old girl that her daughter caught measles from a microbe?
THE DOCTOR. Patients insist on having microbes nowadays. If I told her there is no measles microbe she wouldnt believe me; and I should lose my patient. When there is no microbe I invent one. Am I to understand that you are the missing microbe of measles, and that you have given them to this patient here?
THE MONSTER. No: she gave them to me. These humans are full of horrid diseases: they infect us poor microbes with them; and you doctors pretend that it is we that infect them. You ought all to be struck off the register.
THE DOCTOR. We should be, if we talked like that.
THE MONSTER. Oh, I feel so wretched! Please cure my measles.
THE DOCTOR. I cant. I cant cure any disease. But I get the credit when the patients cure themselves. When she cures herself she will cure you too.
THE MONSTER. But she cant cure herself because you and her mother wont give her a dog’s chance. You wont let her have even a breath of fresh air. I tell you she’s naturally as strong as a rhinoceros. Curse your silly bottles and inoculations! Why dont you chuck them and turn faith healer?
THE DOCTOR. I am a faith healer. You dont suppose I believe the bottles cure people? But the patient’s faith in the bottle does.
THE MONSTER. Youre a humbug: thats what you are.
THE DOCTOR. Faith is humbug. But it works.
THE MONSTER. Then why do you call it science?
THE DOCTOR. Because people believe in science. The Christian Scientists call their fudge science for the same reason.
THE MONSTER. The Christian Scientists let their patients cure themselves. Why dont you?
THE DOCTOR. I do. But I help them. You see, it’s easier to believe in bottles and inoculations than in oneself and in that mysterious power that gives us our life and that none of us knows anything about. Lots of people believe in the bottles and wouldnt know what you were talking about if you suggested the real thing. And the bottles do the trick. My patients get well as often as not. That is, unless their number’s up. Then we all have to go.
THE MONSTER. No girl’s number is up until she’s worn out. I tell you this girl could cure herself and cure me if youd let her.
THE DOCTOR. And I tell you that it would be very hard work for her. Well, why should she work hard when she can afford to pay other people to work for her? She doesnt black her own boots or scrub her own floors. She pays somebody else to do it. Why should she cure herself, which is harder work than blacking boots or scrubbing floors, when she can afford to pay the doctor to cure her? It pays her and it pays me. That’s logic, my friend. And now, if you will excuse me, I shall take myself off before the old woman comes back and provokes me to wring her neck. [Rising] Mark my words: someday somebody will fetch her a clout over the head. Somebody who can afford to. Not the doctor. She has driven me mad already: the proof is that I hear voices and talk to them. [He goes out].
TΗE MONSTER. Youre saner than most of them, you fool. They think I have the keys of life and death in my pocket; but I have nothing but a horrid headache. Oh dear! oh dear!
The Monster wanders away behind the screen. The patient, left alone, begins to stir in her bed. She turns over and calls querulously for somebody to attend to her.
THE PATIENT. Nurse! Mother! Oh, is anyone there? [Crying] Selfish beasts! to leave me like this. [She snatches angrily at the electric bell which hangs within her reach and presses the button repeatedly].
The Elderly Lady and the night nurse come running in. The nurse is young, quick, active, resolute, and decidedly pretty. Mrs Mopply goes to the bedside table, the nurse going to the patient’s left.
THE ELDERLY LADY. What is it, darling? Are you awake? Was the sleeping draught no good? Are you worse? What has happened? What has become of the doctor?
THE PATIENT. I am in the most frightful agony. I have been lying here ringing for ages and ages, and no one has come to attend to me. Nobody cares whether I am alive or dead.
THE ELDERLY LADY. Oh, how can you say such things, darling? I left the doctor here. I was away only for a minute. I had to receive the new night nurse and give her instructions. Here she is. And oh, do cover up your arm, darling. You will get a chill; and then it will be all over. Nurse: see that she is never uncovered for a moment. Do you think it would be well to have another hot water bottle against her arm until it is quite warm again? Do you feel it cold, darling?
THE PATIENT [angrily] Yes, deadly cold.
THE ELDERLY LADY. Oh dont say that. And there is so much pneumonia about. I wish the doctor had not gone. He could sound your lungs –
NIGHT NURSE [feeling the patient’s arm] She is quite warm enough.
THE PATIENT [bursting into tears] Mother: take this hateful woman away. She wants to kill me.
THE ELDERLY LADY. Oh no, dear: she has been so highly recommended. I cant get a new nurse at this hour. Wont you try, for my sake, to put up with her until the day nurse comes in the morning?
THE NURSE. Come! Let me arrange your pillows and make you comfortable. You are smothered with all this bedding. Four thick blankets and an eiderdown! No wonder you feel irritable.
THE PATIENT [screaming] Dont touch me. Go away. You want to murder me. Nobody cares whether I am alive or dead.
THE ELDERLY LADY. Oh, darling, dont keep on saying that. You know it’s not true; and it does hurt me so.
THE NURSE. You must not mind what a sick person says, madam. You had better go to bed and leave the patient to me. You are quite worn out. [She comes to Mrs Mopply and takes her arm coaxingly but firmly].
THE ELDERLY LADY. I know I am: I am ready to drop. How sympathetic of you to notice it! But how can I leave her at such a moment?
THE NURSE. She ought not to have more than one person in the room at a time. You see how it excites and worries her.
THE ELDERLY LADY. Oh, thats very true. The doctor said she was to be kept as quiet as possible.
THE NURSE [leading her to the door] You need a good night’s sleep. You may trust me to do what is right and necessary.
THE ELDERLY LADY [whispering] I will indeed. How kind
of you! You will let me know if anything –
THE NURSE. Yes, yes. I promise to come for you and wake you if anything happens. Good night, madam.
THE ELDERLY LADY [sotto voce] Good night. [She steals out].
The nurse, left alone with her patient, pays no attention to her, but goes to the window. She opens the curtains and raises the blind, admitting a flood of moonlight. She unfastens the sash and throws it right up. She then makes for the door, where the electric switch is.
THE PATIENT [huddling herself up in the bedclothes] What are you doing? Shut that window and pull down that blind and close those curtains at once. Do you want to kill me?