He places one of his hands over mine. "I haven't been your best friend for some time now, Skye."
"Okay, then you're more than my best friend. Don't you see, Noah? There's nothing standing between us anymore. Now we can be together." I lean forward to brush my lips against his, but he turns his head away and my lips brush against his bearded cheek instead.
"I'm not going to be your second choice, Skye."
He moves my hand off his chest and I sit there, stunned and rejected. "You're not my second choice, Noah. You never have been. I've been in love with you since I was a teenager and I never thought you'd return those feelings. Then, after six years with Caleb, I finally find out how you feel and...I thought it was too late. It was overwhelming. I didn't want to give up what I had with him and risk you changing your mind."
"So you rather be with the sure thing and be comfortable, instead of risking it all for a chance at true happiness. That's fucked up, Skye."
I'm an emotional mess as tears start to fill the brim of my eyelids, again. I close my eyes to try to stop them from falling, but one falls down my cheek anyway. "Well then, maybe I'm fucked up."
I wanted the words to come out laced with anger but instead they came out like a fact. I probably am fucked up. Why else would I continue to make poor decision after poor decision? Why else would I want to be with him an hour after breaking up with my fiancé? I should be devastated after ending a six-year relationship and leaving all of our confused family and friends at the golf club with no explanation of what happened tonight. I should be sad it's all over.
Noah turns his body into mine and lifts his palms to my cheeks, his thumbs brushing under my eyes to wipe the tears away. "It's okay, Skye. You need time. You need to be by yourself. You need to figure out what you want and when you know what it is you should go for it. I don't want to stand in your way."
He's not standing in my way, he’s standing directly in my sight because he's all I've ever seen. He's who I've always wanted to be with deep down, but maybe he's right. Maybe I do need a little time to myself. Maybe if I get a little time to be single and not defined by a man, I'll realize who or what I want.
In the past six years I've lost my identity…I don't know who I am. I've lost what I'm passionate about. I gave up what I wanted. Maybe being on my own is exactly what I need to find myself again. If I'm meant to be with Noah, we'll find each other, but right now I shouldn't be focusing on a man. I should be focused on fixing me.
It only took Noah's wise words to figure this out.
"You're right." I sniffle as I pull back from his hold and wipe the rest of my tears away. We've pulled up in front of Kendall's place and we're sitting in the cab waiting for her to arrive behind us. "I should take some time to figure out where I go from here."
"That's good, Skye. You need this time."
"Can I...can I call you? I still need a friend right now and I don't think I could deal with losing you, too."
He looks down at his hands that are resting in his lap. "I don't think that's smart right now, Skye. I need some time, too. I'll always be here for you if you need me. I'll always be the reliable one in your life, but you're not the only one who's had their heart broken tonight. I can't be around you right now."
His words spark new tears and I turn quickly so he won't see them. I open the door to the cab and step out, grateful when I see another cab pull up behind us and Kendall hops out. She throws cash at the driver before closing the yellow door. She runs over to me and engulfs me in a hug and I let the tears fall freely again.
"It's okay, honey. I'm here."
After a few moments of uncontrollable sobs in the arms of my best friend I step back and turn to say goodnight to Noah, but the cab is gone and so is Noah.
He left without saying goodbye and as sad as that makes me, it's probably what we both need. I hurt him and that was never my intention.
I never want to be the person who hurts him again.
Kendall and I make our way into her apartment and then I spill my guts to her, filling her in on everything she missed tonight at the party over a few bottles of wine and two pints of ice cream.
Chapter Thirteen
I close my computer, unable to contain the joy I feel inside as a smile spreads across my face. It's the first time I've truly smiled in a month. I finally feel like I've made the first step in the right direction of my future. I know what I want to do next in my life. It'll be a couple months until I start this new chapter, since it's summer, but I've definitely made the right choice. I know this will make me happy and fulfilled.
It's been a little over a month since I broke off my engagement to Caleb, and Noah left me at Kendall's place. In the last month I've had plenty of time to painfully go over all the areas I went wrong in my life. In ways, the past month has felt freeing, like the ties around my ankles and wrists have been cut and I'm free to dance to the new rhythm of my life.
In other ways, I've felt like I'm suffocating under all of these new choices I have to make. It's made me realize that Caleb wasn't the only reason I never made a decision. It was also because it was nice having someone else make the decisions for me. I spent so long letting Caleb dictate my life that now, when I need to make the decisions for myself, it's a little terrifying.
Now I'm the one in the driver's seat and if I run off the road it will be solely my fault. I love it and fear it at the same time.
As I sit here, happy with the decision I just made, I wish I could call Noah and tell him all about it. He's the first and only person I want to share this with, but I haven't spoken to him since that night he dropped me off. He needed the space. Even though I was in pain and needed him more than he could ever know, I broke his heart in all of this, too.
During everything I was going through with Caleb, I never once truly considered Noah's feelings. I was selfish...and he deserves much better than what I gave him. So I've kept my distance, honoring his wishes. It's been hard. I've missed his chocolate kisses. I've missed living across from him. I've missed hearing his low, sexy voice call me shorty every day. I've missed his beard, and his eyes, and his sexy smirk. I've missed the way his lips feel against mine.
I've avoided his place of work. Every time Bootylicious comes on my playlist I skip it. When Kendall comes home from work we avoid talking about Forbidden Desires, Inc. altogether. I don't know if she does this for him or for me, but I think it's for him. The few times I've tried to pull information out of her about how Noah is doing she changes the subject.
She has asked me about Caleb, but then it's me changing the subject. Not because my heart hurts to talk about him because it doesn't. I'm actually feeling surprisingly great about the decision I made to leave him. I don't want to talk about Caleb because if I do, I'll have to admit all the mistakes I made in the relationship. Our relationship was a two way street–where he made mistakes, I made mistakes, too.
In the end we were better off apart.
I'm just lucky I got the chance to tell him all of this and apologize for the mistakes I made. I didn't tell him about Noah. He doesn't deserve to know about that, but I did tell him I had my own faults and secrets, and in the end I don't hate him. I'm actually grateful for him cheating on me with Paula because if he hadn’t, we both would have made the biggest mistake of our lives.
When I left the apartment with the few things I owned we both made empty promises of staying friends and keeping in touch, but in the end he knew as well as I did that we'd reached the end. We weren't friends before our relationship and we wouldn't be friends after.
I'm ashamed that the end of our six-year relationship wasn't sad for me. I didn't mourn what we had or wish things were different so we could be back together. Breaking up was the right thing to do.
Instead I mourned Noah and what could have been with him. I still want it with him. I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I knew it when I was fourteen and I know it now. I just need to give him the time and space he needs and when the time is ri
ght I'll lay it all out for him and hope his feelings haven't changed.
Setting my computer on the cushion next to me I stand up and walk over to the small kitchen in Kendall's apartment to make myself some tea. The happy mood I was in just a few minutes ago is gone and in its place is the depressed and moody Skye I've been all month whenever I think about Noah. My heart aches for him. My soul longs to be with him right now.
I wonder what he's doing right this moment?
"Hey," Kendall calls as she walks out of her bedroom and into the confined space with me. She's dressed in a dark gray pencil skirt, sheer white blouse, and has thick black frame glasses on. She looks like she could be shooting a sexy Coach eyewear commercial. "I've got to leave in a few minutes for work. What are your plans for the night?"
I smirk at her and lift up my cup of tea. "The usual. I'm having a huge party."
"I hate leaving you here alone. You should go out more."
"The only other friend I have here in the city isn't talking to me and I don’t want to make any new friends at the moment."
She rests her hands on her hips and suggests, "Come with me to work. You can keep me company on this rainy Tuesday night. It’ll be slow tonight and you know I'm mischievous when I'm bored. You'll keep me out of trouble."
I look down at my wrinkled t-shirt and baggy sweats and groan. The only time she ever asks me to work with her I'm dressed like a bum. "I’m not dressed to go in there and I don’t want to run into Noah. He wants space and I want to continue to give it to him."
"God, I wish you two would just figure out what it is you want. You're both miserable and you both know you're meant to be together, so just figure your shit out and be together," she huffs and my insides smile at the small bit of information she's given me. While I don't want Noah to be miserable, I'm happy to hear anything in regards to how he's doing. "He won't be in tonight anyway. There was another arrest last night and he spent all night and morning dealing with it so he took tonight off. Levi is walking me out tonight."
"Oh, Levi, huh? Have you made any progress with that?"
"No," she groans and leans against the wall. "I flirt with him and make it known that I'm interested, but he's either oblivious or not interested."
"Maybe he's gay."
"No. There's no way he's gay. I've caught him eyeing a random ass here and there. He's definitely into women. I'm probably too skinny for him. I knew my tall, frail frame would turn a guy away sooner or later."
"Hey, stop that." I walk over to her and rest my hands up on her shoulders. "You're beautiful and perfect the way God made you. You may be skinny, but you've got curves where it counts. If Levi is not into you then that's his loss. Find a new guy to get under and forget about him."
"You sound like a cheesy affirmation calendar."
"I doubt those calendars would be recommending sleeping around, unless it's a dirty calendar." I wink at her and move back over to take a sip of my tea.
"Are you sure you can't come with me? I promise he won't be there."
I think it over for a second and it's been a while since Kendall and I have spent the night talking and I shouldn't spend another evening in this apartment alone. "You're positive he won't be there?"
"I'm positive."
"Okay, let me get changed."
***
"I'm sorry, sir, but Nora no longer works here...no, I don't know where she works now but there are a few other girls you might be interested in… Okay, I'll connect you with Penny." Kendall presses a few buttons and then hangs up the call.
"You know I get at least one call every week asking if you're coming back."
"You mean if Nora is coming back."
"Same difference. You must have been really good at phone sex. It's made me curious."
I laugh, while twirling around in the empty desk chair across from her. "Curious about what? My phone sex abilities?"
"Damn straight. Give me your best line."
"No way," I squeak out. I'm a little stunned she's asking me this.
"Please? Just one line."
She's serious about wanting to hear how I talked to these dirty men so in my lowest, sexiest voice I purr, "You're so big, baby. I don't think you'll fit in my tight, hot cunt."
Laughing hysterically she replies, "Oh my God, that's amazing. I never thought you would have something like that in you. No wonder these horn balls miss Nora."
“Well, Nora doesn't miss them."
Looking over at the clock on the distant wall I can't believe how fast the time has gone. The office will be closing in a few minutes. I'm thankful Kendall is with me this time when we close because I would never be able to close on my own after what happened last time. If Noah hadn’t come when he did I would have been raped or murdered.
"So Levi will be here in a few minutes. Do you have any plans for seducing him tonight?"
"Not with you here, I don't. My new plan is playing hard to get."
Shaking my head in disbelief, I sigh. "Let me know how that goes for you."
The phone rings again and keeping with the seductive temptress voice I used earlier I decide to answer it since it's the end of the night.
"Forbidden Desires Incorporated. What's your pleasure?"
"I'd like to speak with Noah Reed, please." I wasn't expecting a soft, feminine voice on the other end of the line asking for Noah. It's caught me off-guard.
I clear my throat and ask, "Noah has the night off. Can I take a message?"
"Um, sure. Can you let him know Samantha called and it's imperative he calls me at his earliest convenience." I write down her details on a post-it and stick it on Kendall's desk.
"I sure will. He'll call you back sometime tomorrow."
"Great. Thanks."
"You're welcome. Have a great night."
"You too."
I hang up and look over at Kendall as I point to the post-it. "Who's Samantha?"
"Jealous much? She's the assistant to the new contractor Noah hired. It's completely professional, Skye. Don’t worry."
"I wasn’t worried."
"Is that why the skin on your forehead scrunched up like that...because you weren’t worried?"
Grabbing the pen I just wrote with I throw it at her. "Shut up. I'm trying this new thing, you know...like Hailee Steinfeld sings about? I'm loving myself right now."
"I'm sure you've been loving yourself a lot since Noah and Caleb left your life. How many times a day do you do it? I usually love myself two or three times."
She's such a pervert. "I'm not telling you that."
Rolling her eyes, Kendall starts shutting everything down for the evening and I help her. When we're both standing by the door waiting for Levi to show up so we can lock up, Kendall looks over at me sympathetically. "I think you've given it enough time, Skye. Noah's miserable. You're miserable, and I know for a fact you don’t need any more time to think about what you want because what you want is Noah."
"You’re right, I do want Noah, but he wants distance between us–"
"And you've given it to him. Now it's time for you to fight for your man. You want him, so show him. Sooner or later you're going to get sick of your vibrator and need a real man to satisfy you. Go get Noah and give your vibrating toy a rest."
"And what if he turns me down?"
"If he turns you down then at least you know and you can start moving on with your life." She wraps her arm around my shoulders and hugs me against her body. “And I'll be there for you every step of the way."
"I'm scared, Kendall."
"The best things worth fighting for are scary, Skye."
Chapter Fourteen
Kendall was right and I take her advice. Over the course of the next two weeks I put my plan in action. Well, it wasn’t so much a plan as it was finally being honest with Noah about my feelings for him. I wanted there to be no secrets between us. I wanted to show him how much he means to me. It's impossible to express just how much I love him, but I hoped by sending him a Hershey's Kiss
with a small little note each day he'd realize just how much I care about him. I wanted him to feel a tiny bit of how I've felt the last ten years.
So each day I contacted him the way he used to contact me and I tried to express my feelings to him and hopefully show him how special he is to me. It's the only way I know how.
Noah,
When I was ten I fell climbing one of the scariest trees in our neighborhood. You had talked me into it after an hour of me telling you there was no way I was going up that tree. After I fell, you picked me up and carried me a half-mile home and wouldn't leave my side all night. You were so worried that I wasn't going to be okay when it ended up just being a bad scrape and minor sprain. That night is when I knew I could trust you.
I love you.
~Skye
Noah,
When you found out I was working for you and fired me I was angry but I was also incredibly touched. Touched that you still cared enough about me to not want me to do a job like that. You're always looking out for me and I appreciate that.
I love you
~Skye
Noah,
Do you remember that time your dad turned off the back floodlight when we slept out in your backyard instead of mine? I was so terrified because it was pitch black out and you were shaking, terrified of the dark, too. But because I was scared you faced your fear. You handed me the wooden bat beside you and got up out of your sleeping bag to run over to the house and turn the light back on. You always put me first and I've never told you how much that means to me. I don’t know how I would have gotten through life without you.
I love you.
~Skye
Noah,
Every time I eat ice cream I think of you. I always have and always will. Doesn't matter if I'm eating it out at a restaurant or from a carton at home. Ice cream will always be our thing.
I love you
Noah Page 17