~Skye
Noah,
When I was seventeen, you came home for a few days over the summer and we went kayaking out on Lake Superior. It was something we've done ever since we were kids, but that day the water was rough and my kayak ended up tipping over and I was submerged in the cold, deep lake. I was always taught not to panic in situations like that, but I couldn't help it and was panicking under the water. Then, like the angel you are, you rescued me and got me out of the water and back in my kayak, and pulled me the twenty minutes back to shore. It wasn't until we were back on dry land in my parents' house that you started panicking and telling me how scared you were that I was going to die. It was then that I knew you loved me, too. Granted, I didn't think you were in love with me, but I knew you loved me in your own way. I don't know if you've reflected on moments of your life with me and dissected them the way I do, but I want you to know that every moment since I was fourteen, and especially that day on the lake, I was madly in love with you.
I still love you.
~Skye
Noah,
I've had to skip Bootylicious on my playlist because listening to it has been too hard since we stopped talking. I never got to ask you but I'm wondering it now. After having your hands all over my ass each time we had sex, do you still think my butt is too tiny? I can do squats and get it bigger if you want.
I love you.
~Skye
P.S. Please don't ask me to make it bigger. Over the next several decades it will get bigger naturally as my metabolism slows down and I start popping out kids.
Noah,
Caleb was the biggest mistake and regret of my life, but in a way I'm glad it happened. I know that sounds twisted, given I’ve been in love with you this entire time, but I was a child when I started dating him. I was weak and I think if we started dating then I would have screwed everything up with my unrealistic views on what a relationship with you would be like. I think I needed a Caleb so that when we've been together long enough (maybe married fifteen years with a kid or two) and we have that huge fight that would break any regular marriage apart, I'll be able to still appreciate how lucky I am to be with you instead of the millions of Calebs in the world, because the truth is every other guy on the planet is a Caleb compared to you. You're my only Noah. You're the only man for me, so as screwed up as it sounds I think I was meant to be with Caleb so that I could truly appreciate you. I only regret what happened after I had you. I'll never forgive myself for the way I treated you, or make a mistake like that again. I just hope you give me a chance to prove it.
I love you.
~Skye
Noah,
I love everything about you, on the inside and out. You're the kindest and sweetest man I've ever met. You're also unbelievably sexy and I really love your beard. I've always loved it, but truly got to appreciate it when you went down on me.
Oh...wow. Don't ever shave it.
I love you.
~Skye
Noah,
The week after I broke off the engagement to Caleb and you left me at Kendall's, I watched Alice in Wonderland over and over again on repeat. Kendall was so worried about me that she almost called my mom to have her fly out here. If it wasn’t for that threat I'd probably still be watching that movie. I watched it because I needed the reminder. I needed the Very Merry Unbirthday song because I knew I would no longer be getting unbirthday kisses from you.
I love you.
~Skye
Noah,
When you left Michigan to travel the world I was heartbroken. I felt gutted and your phone calls over the next few years and short visits home were the only time the pain went away completely. Sure, it dulled over time when you were gone, but it was still there. It wasn’t until we moved to the apartment across the hall from you that the pain finally went away. I could never admit that before. Probably because we weren’t on the best terms at that point, but I want you to know.
I love you.
~Skye
Noah,
Do you remember when Gretchen Lisle broke your movie date the first Christmas break you came home to visit? I have to confess something. She broke it off because of me. I told her you caught Chlamydia from a Russian prostitute you slept with while in Amsterdam. I know it was wrong to lie to her, but I was jealous. It was your first trip back home and I was in love with you and mad you weren't planning to spend all your time with me. I acted childish and since I want to be honest with you I'm telling you. Sorry I screwed up your chance of getting laid that night. If it's any consolation I don't think you would have gotten far with her. I heard she's a lesbian. Hope you forgive me.
I love you.
~Skye
Noah,
This is another note about honesty since I'm laying it all out right now. I hate Star Wars. I don't understand why people love it. The graphics are horrible and the story line sucks. I get confused with the order of the movies, and each one is too damn long. I'll take Twilight over Star Wars any day. I only pretended to like Star Wars and watched it with you over and over again because you were my friend and I loved you.
I still love you and will still watch it over and over again if you want me to.
I love you.
~Skye
Noah,
I was devastated the morning I woke up in your bed alone. I thought you viewed what we shared as just sex. If I could change anything I would have stayed. I wish I'd had the courage to stay and confront you. If I would have done that I would have realized I jumped to all the wrong conclusions and maybe, just maybe, we'd be together right now instead of you doubting my love for you. It's always been you, Noah. I'm not scared anymore.
I love you.
~Skye
Noah,
The first time I knew I loved you I was fourteen. It was after we ate ice cream and you stopped to get a bag of Hershey's Kisses. That was the first day you gave me a chocolate kiss and wished me a happy unbirthday. You told me I was special, but what I never got to tell you was how those kisses didn't tell me I was special. They showed me how special you truly are. I don't deserve someone as amazing as you, Noah. I never will, but I hope you'll take me anyway, faults and all.
I love you. I've always loved you. I was scared with Caleb and because of my fear I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me–you. I'll never compromise that again.
I'm going to screw up–people do that. I'm not perfect and I've never claimed to be. Most of the time I'm so unsure of what to do that I live in a state of paralyzed anxiety. In my life of uncertainties I'm only certain about one thing. I'm certain about you.
You're the only man I want. You're the only man I want to be with. You're the man I want to love, and cherish, and fight with, and make up with for the rest of my life. So if you feel the same way, if you want all the things I want, just let me know. I'm here...waiting, and hoping you feel the same way I feel about you because my heart is not complete, my life is not complete without you in it.
I love you.
~Skye
I've written him fourteen notes, and in those two weeks of dropping off notes and leaving them discreetly in his apartment, his office, the bar, and his car, I haven’t heard from him at all.
Chapter Fifteen
I thought I was depressed before, but waking up every morning after I started leaving Noah notes and feeling the way I do brings a whole new meaning to the word.
I haven't heard from Noah. I've gone past his work, lingered outside his apartment building, and even resorted to calling Kendall a few times while she was working in his office to see if she had seen him. My thought process was slightly on the stalker side, but I hoped she had talked to him. Every time it was the same thing–Noah was nowhere to be found and Kendall hasn't seen him.
I quit my job at the coffee house and walked my last dog this morning. I'm so broke but Kendall has been so amazing about it. While I vow to continue sending notes to Noah until he at least talks to me and tells me it's over in person, I also need a break f
rom New York City. I lost myself in this city somehow, and the only way to find myself again is to be reminded of where I come from. I need to be back home for a while.
I thought about going on vacation to somewhere tropical and sunny, but right now the sun seems too bright for me. I don't want to be surrounded by new things right now. I want to be surrounded by familiarity. I want to be surrounded by the people and places that remind me of Noah and the person I used to be when I was with him.
I've arranged for Kendall to drop off more notes and kisses to Noah every day while I'm gone. I don't want him to stop receiving them. Even if there is no chance for the two of us to be together, he still deserves to know how amazing he is, how sorry I am, and that I want the best for him.
After packing, Kendall drives me to the airport and I fly home to Michigan to be with my parents. My mom picks me up from the airport in her Subaru wagon and we drive home. I stare off out in the distance and watch the gorgeous trees, green grass, and beauty that comes with Michigan summers pass me by.
It's magical here and when I come back and visit it's like I can forget the rest of the world exists.
Once I'm back in my old childhood home and unpacked, I spend the first evening catching up with my parents. They ask all the expected questions about the broken engagement and Caleb. They ask if I'm going to stay in New York and what my plans are next, and then they ask about Noah. I avoid that question altogether and change subjects, and asking my dad when his next fishing trip is instead.
We end the night early and I sleep in my old twin bed in the bedroom that holds so many great childhood memories for me. The nostalgia being at home brings is all connected to my memories of Noah and it's surprisingly comforting. I feel closer to him in this room, under my bright yellow and pink quilt, and it makes it easy to fall asleep.
***
I wake up early so that I can get dressed and leave the house before my mother wakes up and asks me fifty questions about what my plans are for the day. While I'm happy to be home and I'm looking forward to spending time with her, I want to have today to be alone. I want to walk around all the familiar spots and hope each one gives me a little peace and comfort.
After tying up my bright pink and blue Nike running shoes, I sneak out the back door and start my trek. I spend the morning walking to my old elementary school and see if anything has changed. Then I walk over to the area in town where Noah and I would always get ice cream, followed by a visit to the park. I see the big hill I used to roll down in the summer and sled down in the winter.
I climb the hill, my shoes digging into the grass and when I reach the top I lay down, tuck my arms to my sides, close my eyes and begin to roll. After the first few turns I go faster and faster and I feel like a kid again. Childish laughter escapes my lips and I continue to laugh as I reach the bottom of the hill and slow down. Once I've stopped, I open my eyes and look around at the open park as the sun shines and reflects off the shiny metal slide.
When I stand up, I have grass stains all over my clothes but I don't care. Rolling down the hill was euphoric. In a way it reminds me not to take everything so seriously and enjoy the life I have for a little bit.
Leaving the park, I walk a few miles over to my favorite small, private beach on Lake Superior and sit down on the sand. The wind has picked up near the lake and the waves are crashing on the shore, making the lake look more like an ocean.
I lie back in the sand and stare up at the light blue sky, deciding to spend the rest of the day here. It's a great place to clear my head and try to make some decisions on what I should do when I get back to New York.
The hours fly by as I think about my friendships and the career I want to have. I ponder the idea of marriage and kids. I think about Noah. More than anything I want him to be happy. I've finally come to peace with the fact that his happiness might not be with me, and that will be okay. I'll never love anyone the way I love him, but as time goes on I know things will get easier and hopefully he'll find a woman that will be everything he wants and needs. I want him to have everything he's ever wanted.
And after the way I treated him I know that woman is probably not me.
As the sun moves further and further west I know it's getting late and I should head back to the house. I left my phone in my room, not wanting to be disturbed, but I don't want to worry my mom by coming home after it's dark.
When I finally walk in the front door of my parents' house the smell of corn bread and white chili fills my nostrils. It's usually a dish she makes in the winter, but it's also my favorite dish so I know she made it for me. I head straight to the kitchen and see her and my father at the table enjoying their dinner.
"It smells delicious, Mom."
She turns to look at me. Her short, silver and white hair is pulled back with a headband and she's already wiped her make-up off for the night. "I made it just for you. Did you have a nice day?"
"I did."
"What did you do?" she asks as her eyes appraise my appearance, lingering on the grass stains on my shirts and small amounts of sand stuck to my pants.
"I walked around, went to the park, and spent the afternoon at the beach. I needed time to think."
"Did a day alone and back home help with any clarity?" my father asks as he looks up at me under his glasses.
"Actually, I think it did."
"That's great, honey. Now go on upstairs and get cleaned up before you eat. The chili will still be hot when you come back down."
I'd be perfectly fine eating the way I look now, but my mother always made me wash up before supper. I can't expect that to change now that I'm an adult.
I turn and run out of the kitchen, kicking my Nike shoes off and leaving them at the bottom of the stairs as I take the steps two at a time to the second floor. When I walk through my bedroom door I immediately notice the change in my room. When I left this morning I didn’t bother straightening up or making my bed.
But my bed is made and on top of my pillow is...
No, it can't be.
I take a few steps over to my bed and pick up the single, silver wrapped Hershey's Kiss. I stare at the candy in my hand dumbfounded.
How did it get here? Did my mom find an old one somewhere in my room and decided to put it on my pillow? Is this some kind of sick and twisted joke God is playing on me?
If it is, it's not funny.
As water threatens to shed down my face I hear the most beautiful sound in the world and I'm honestly beginning to think I'm dreaming.
"Happy Unbirthday, shorty."
I turn around and Noah is standing behind my door with a single red rose in his hand. He's dressed in a Bar Forbidden t-shirt. His hair is disheveled. He has large bags under his eyes and his jeans are wrinkled and hang low on his hips. He looks like he came straight from work, yet he's never looked sexier.
"What are you doing here?" I ask. I childishly move one hand over to my forearm to pinch the skin and make sure I'm not dreaming.
"I went to see you this morning after I left the bar because I'm ready to talk. When I got to Kendall's place you weren't there. She told me you went home to clear your head, so I left Kaya with her and here I am."
"You followed me here?" I ask.
He closes the distance between us and hands me the red rose. He raises his left hand and cups my cheek with his palm as he looks deeply into my eyes. "I couldn't risk you being home and changing your mind about us. I had to come and plea my case."
"I...I thought..." I trail off, unable to come up with a clear thought. This all just seems so unreal. After a moment of comprehending and deciphering everything he's just said I respond. "I thought you didn’t want to be with me. You haven’t tried to contact me once."
"I needed time, Skye, but not because I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with you. I've always known I wanted to be with you. I needed time away so you had time to decide what you wanted. You needed time to come to terms with all the changes in your life. If I had taken you home with me that nigh
t, I would have been the rebound guy. I love you too much and for too long to be the rebound guy."
"You never would have been–" I start to argue but he interrupts me.
"I would have. You may love me, but jumping from one relationship to the next without any room to breathe and be on your own is a bad idea. I would have been the rebound. I never want to be the rebound guy. I want to be the forever guy."
I drop the rose down on the carpet in my bedroom and wrap my arms around his neck, never wanting to let him go. "Noah, you are the forever guy. You'll always be the forever guy for me. I've been in love with you since I was a teenager and I'm so sorry I was so stupid and jeopardized the best thing that ever happened to me.
"You're amazing, Noah. I don't deserve you, but if you want to try this with me I promise to work hard every day to be the woman you do deserve. I never want to lose you again. I can't eat, I can't sleep...I can't breathe without you. I never want to be without you again."
His hands rest on my hips and he squeezes me gently. "I feel the same way. It's always been you, Skye. I'm sorry I ever made you doubt that."
"You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one who messed this all up. I don't deserve you."
"That's probably true," he replies teasingly. "But you're mine anyway."
He leans in and his beard tickles my mouth as his lips crash down on mine, and all the sadness I've felt melts away. I'm finally home. Warmth spreads from my lips to my chin, down my throat and throughout the rest of my body. His words are my aphrodisiac and I kiss him back with an all-consuming need, savoring every second we're together. I'm not willing to miss a single stroke of his lips.
His tongue darts out and parts my lips as he asks for entrance and I let him in, tasting what I've missed for so long. My hands pull at the hair at the nape of his neck, wanting to get as close to him as possible. I can’t get close enough.
Noah Page 18