Beneath Your Beautiful

by Tamsyn Bester

  Aunt Emma shifts closer and wraps her arms around me. “Sweetheart, everything in life happens for a reason. You can’t look at this as a mistake because no child born into this world is a mistake. Look at it as a second chance. You didn’t have Jake’s baby for a reason, believe that. And now you have a little person in there,” – she rests her hand on my belly, her eyes glistening with unshed tears – “That is nothing short of a miracle, a creation made from yours and Graysons’ love for each other.”

  “I’m scared Aunt Em, what if I’m not ready for this?” Admitting my deepest fear out loud makes it all so much more real. I can’t take back my past, but I can learn to let go of my guilt and self-loathing and accept that this baby is my second chance. My do-over.

  “Honey, if God didn’t think you were ready, He wouldn’t have put you on this path. You are going to be an amazing momma, and I will be right next to you all the way. But this is Graysons’ baby too and he deserves a chance to be a part of this.”

  My heart swells, expanding beyond its’ capacity just thinking about Grayson. “How did Uncle Alex take it?” I ask. We haven’t really spoken about what comes next. I almost expected Aunt Emma and Uncle Alex to scream and yell at me, tell me how irresponsible I am. But I should’ve known that would never happen.

  My aunt chuckles, “He’s a man, they don’t get emotional like we do. But he loves you sweetheart, and he wants what’s best for you. He had a few words with Grayson and he seemed happy after that. I have no idea what they spoke about, but I think he was just looking out for you. We want you to be happy, and to know that you won’t have to do any of this alone.”

  “Thank you,” I cry, “I love you and Uncle Alex both so much. I’m so grateful to have you both in my life.”

  I hug my aunt, squeezing a little tighter than normal. She hugs me back and then clears her throat. “I have something for you.”

  I look at her quizzically before she jumps up and leaves the room. For some reason I’m nervous, the butterflies flapping wildly in my belly. I welcome the feeling. It’s refreshing to feel something other than sadness and regret. I hear heavy footsteps coming down the hallway and then the door slowly creaks open.

  When I see him, my heart jumps and the butterflies in my belly multiply. It’s only been two weeks but in my soul it feels like two centuries. His Jade eyes meet mine and I notice the bags under his eyes. He looks tired. Exhausted even. Like his nights have been as restless as mine. I catch sight of his light stubble and my fingers ache to touch it. To touch his face. His lips. God, I’ve missed him so much. My muscles pulse with the need to jump into his strong arms. But I wait, with baited breath, and watch him approach me.

  “Hi,” he says. His voice teases my ears with its roughness.

  “Hi.” I suddenly feel very shy, like I’m meeting this beautiful, complicated man for the first time.

  He swallows audibly and rubs his hands down his jeans. I stop myself from chuckling at his obvious nervousness. He walks a little closer and his nearness makes every nerve in my body jump to life. I’m giddy with it.

  I pat the bed next to me, motioning for him to sit down. He hesitates for a split second, unsure of himself, and then slowly lowers until we’re almost eye-to-eye. My pulse starts racing and I contemplate reaching out and running my fingers down his face. I need to touch him, so that I know he’s really here. I see so much in his eyes and it makes me hopeful.

  “How are you?” he asks. It’s so forced, and unlike us. I hate that it’s so awkward.

  “I’ve been better,” I admit honestly. “You look tired.”

  He shrugs sheepishly but says nothing. Moments go by and we just stare, drinking each other in and recommitting every detail of each other’s faces to memory.

  My inner girl is screaming obscenities at me and begging me to throw my pride out the window. Just fucking tell him she screams. I suck in a breath. My hand reaches up and cups his cheek. His eyes close and he leans into my touch.

  “I’ve missed you,” I whisper tearfully. I curse my hormones again and my inability to keep myself composed. His chest moves with every inhalation and sinks as he lets out a heavy breath. “I’ve missed you too,” he breathes, “so fucking much.”

  “I’m sorry. For everything.”

  His eyes shoot open and he holds my stare. “Me too. I should’ve been there to protect you.”

  I frown. “It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know it was going to happen.”

  “If I could take it all back, I would. What happened with Haley –“

  I cut him off midsentence and prepare to swallow my pride again. “I know what happened. Demi told me.” Not only did Demi explain, but she also screamed at me like a damn lunatic after I told Grayson to leave. I’ve never seen her so angry.

  “I was wrong and I should’ve let you explain,” I add.

  “I don’t want anyone but you.” The heat from his body washes over me and I try to hide my squirm. My physical response to him is electric. Before I can doubt myself, I close the distance between us and crawl into his lap, straddling him.

  “I can’t picture my life without you,” I say softly, holding is face between my palms. His hands grip my waist gently as he pulls me as close as possible. He leans in until his hot breath streams across my face. Our lips brush and I gasp at the contact. My hands slide down his scruffy cheeks and move around to his neck, massaging his hard muscles. When he shudders I smile against his lips. The feel of his tongue trailing my bottom lip makes me wriggle involuntarily, my body taking over on pure instinct. Our mouths move in synch and we surrender to our insatiable hunger for each other.

  Grayson pulls away and I whimper at the loss of contact. A scorching heat has looped around my spine and pooled between my legs. “There’s one more thing we need to talk about.”

  “What –“ My words are cut off when Graysons large hand moves and rests on my belly. I look down. When his fingers spread, I place my hand over his and thread our fingers. Tears prick my eyes as the magnitude of his actions slams into my chest. Three hearts. Beating as one.

  “I know you’re scared,” he pauses, “but I’m not going anywhere and I will do everything I can to make sure you’re taken care of. Both of you.”

  I pull my quivering lip between my teeth but it doesn’t stop my tears. Grayson uses his free hand to wipe my face. “Please don’t cry,” he pleads quietly. “I can’t stand it when you cry.”

  “I’ve been doing that a lot lately,” I sniffle.

  “I’m sorry baby,” he kisses my forehead and then looks back at me. His face hardens slightly and his expression becomes serious. “Did you know?”

  Did I know – Oh. His question doesn’t surprise me, but I’m surprised he didn’t ask me sooner.

  “No, I didn’t know. I would’ve told you if I did.” I look at him sincerely, hoping that he can see the honesty in my eyes. “When the home pregnancy test came back negative, I didn’t worry about it. I wanted to tell you about it but I was worried about how you’d react.”

  Grayson traces his thumb over my bottom lip. “You can tell me anything. Always.”

  No longer having a need for words, I lean in and press my lips to his. I don’t know what I did to deserve him or his love. In all his imperfections, he’s perfect. Our love is beautiful. Our love is imperfect. But I wouldn’t change it for anything. My world begins and ends with Grayson Carter.

  ** ** ** ** ** **

  We sit in the doctors’ room and Grayson fidgets nervously in the seat next to me. I put my hand on his thigh to stop his leg from bouncing. “Relax,” I whisper, rubbing up and down his jean clad leg.

  “That should be my line,” he chuckles timidly. He watches a little girl in the corner playing with some toys while her pregnant mom reads a magazine. Looking at his profile, I would give anything to know what he’s thinking. Is he regretting coming with me? Does he want to leave?

  My thoughts are brought to a screeching halt when a short, redheaded nurse calls my name.
“Morgan?”

  I smile up at her and grab Graysons hand. He kisses my temple and my anxiety evaporates with his silent reassurance. We’re in this together.

  We step into the doctors’ office, greeted by an older man. “Good morning,” he greets sincerely, “I’m Doctor Bates.” He stretches his hand out and Grayson shakes it before I do. Doctor Bates motions for us to sit down before he starts talking. “Right,” he looks down at the paperwork on his desk. “You’re here for your fourteen week scan and check-up.” I nod.

  “If you’ll follow me,” he stands and moves towards the examination bed in the corner. “And lay down. We’ll see what’s happening with your baby.”

  I lay down and Grayson grabs a chair, moving next to me and holding my hand in both of his. I’m not sure if he’s excited or nervous, or maybe both. His face doesn’t give anything away. Doctor Bates lifts my blouse, exposing my slightly rounder belly, and squirts some cold gel onto my skin. I flinch. “Sorry about that, it’s a little cold.” He presses the wand and a loud swooshing sound comes through the machine. He moves the wand around a little more until a steady thumpthump infiltrates the silence in the room. All I can think is Wow.

  “And that,” Doctor Bates confirms, “Is your baby’s heartbeat.”

  Grayson and I stare at the screen, completely spellbound by the sound surrounding us and the picture in front of us. “My jelly bean,” I whisper.

  Grayson moves closer until his elbows rest on the bed beside my exposed belly and I chance a look at him. His face is still, but his eyes glow with disbelief and adoration. He looks at the doctor. “Can we find out the sex?”

  “We normally wait until twenty weeks to determine the sex, because by then the baby’s genitals are more developed, but if your baby is in the right position, there’s a small chance we can see what you’re having. Let’s take a look shall we?” He moves the wand around, pressing harder in some places. “If I can just…” he pauses, leaning in closer to the screen. “Right there.” He sits up straight. “Miss Morgan, I’m ninety seven percent sure that you, my dear, are having a boy. And he’s not shy either,” Doctor Bates chuckles.

  “A boy,” I repeat robotically. I look at Grayson and see the tears slip down his cheeks. “A son,” he chokes out. “We’re having a son.”

  Our eyes meet and he kisses me hard. When he pulls away, he starts peppering kisses all over my face, my cheeks, my eyes. Resting his forehead against mine, he whispers “Thank you” and I don’t think I can love him more. My fears disintegrate as I realize that he really isn’t going anywhere. I look into his loving eyes and know that I wouldn’t want to be doing this with anyone else.

  “We’re having a son,” Grayson laughs and I get lost in the joy that fills his voice.

  Doctor Bates cleans my belly and prints some ultrasound pictures. “I want to see you again in four weeks, but if you feel ill or have any concerns, you can call and make an appointment sooner.”

  Still slightly speechless, I nod and take the Doctors’ card. We say goodbye, stopping at the counter to make a follow-up appointment and to collect my pre-natal vitamins, before Grayson takes me back to his truck.

  I catch him he grinning while holding the ultrasound pictures in his hands. He looks like a child on Christmas morning, waiting to open his presents. The aura surrounding him is contagious and I feel it deep in my soul.

  “Where to next?” The question comes out at the same time that my stomach growls.

  Grayson chuckles, “I think it’s time to feed you and Jelly Bean.” He leans over the middle console and gives me a chaste kiss. I want more, so much more, but I can wait. Food is more important right now. “We’re going to my parents for dinner.”

  He peels out of the hospital parking lot and heads in the direction of his parents’ house. The drive is only about fifteen minutes, but I turn the radio up and start humming to Phillip Phillips’ ‘Gone’ as it plays through the speakers. My hands rest on my belly, thrumming along to the music. Grayson is watching me from the corner of his eye and when I turn to look at him, he gives me a bright smile accompanied by the dimples I want to lick.

  “What?” I ask shyly, tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear.

  “You’re gorgeous.”

  I blush, even though he’s said it to me a thousand times. “Will you still think I’m gorgeous when I’m big and round,” I giggle.

  “Baby, if it was possible to keep you pregnant all the time I would. You’re gorgeous to me in every way.” I melt at the sweetness of his words. He looks back at the road but places a hand on my belly, rubbing it gently. He’s become obsessed with touching it. And touching me. Not that I’m complaining though. His touches drive me delirious.

  “I can’t wait until he starts kicking.”

  “I can,” I sigh. “If he’s anything like you he’ll probably start playing football before he comes out.”

  “Better get used to it,” Grayson snickers. ”I want a big family.”

  My eyebrows shoot up and I stare at him. “Oh really?”

  “Yes ma’am.” He’s so sure of himself and I’d be lying if I didn’t find it sexy.

  An idea pops into my head and I shift in my seat before I lose my nerve. Facing him, I slide my hand up his thigh and lean a little closer, my generous cleavage on full display. Another advantage of being pregnant. My breasts are slightly bigger, fuller, and Grayson can’t get enough. He squirms when I drag a nail across the slight bulge under his zipper. “Can we start practicing now?” I ask seductively. It drives him crazy when my voice is breathy, so I add a little more husk to it. “I’m so wet.” I apply a bit more pressure to his groin and he almost swerves off the road. I sit back and laugh at his reaction.

  “Oh, I’m so getting to get you for that later.”

  Thinking about Grayson touching me all over sends a delicious shiver up my spine and I grin. “I look forward to it.”

  We stop outside Grayson’s parent’s colonial style house and I see my Uncle Alex’s truck also parked in the driveway. We walk in without knocking. “Honey we’re home,” Grayson yells playfully.

  It’s eerily quiet. Something’s going on. Grayson leads us through the foyer and when we walk into the living room our families jump out from behind the furniture and scream ‘Surprise’. The room is decorated in both pink and blue, with baby memorabilia adorning almost every available surface.

  “What is all this?” I look up at Grayson in bewilderment.

  He shrugs and looks sheepish. “I might have told mom and Mrs. Coach about our appointment today. Seems they got a little carried away.”

  I look around at the faces of our loved ones, noticing that Grayson’s mom, my Aunt Emma, and Demi are holding blue balloons while Grayson’s dad, my Uncle Alex and Brody are holding the pink ones.

  “So?” Graysons’ mom chimes excitedly, bouncing on her feet a little.

  “Wait,” Demi steps forward. “You can’t tell us. You have to show us.”

  I frown, not quite understanding. “What do you mean?”

  She rolls her eyes. “See, the men are holding the pink balloons, and we’re holding the blue. All you have to do is choose the color.”

  Grayson squeezes my hand and he smiles at me. “Go ahead. Put these poor women out of their misery.”

  My grin widens and I hesitate, just to tease everyone. “Show us already!” Demi whines, “I need to know if Brody and I are having a Godson or a Goddaughter.”

  I take the blue balloon from Demi’s hand and lock my eyes with Grayson. “We’re having a boy.”

  The women squeal excitedly and hug me, while the men bump fists with Grayson and slap him on the back. When we’ve been congratulated by everyone, and Grayson has proudly shown the ultrasound picture of our little Jelly Bean, his mother steps up to his side. “We have someone else who wants to celebrate with us,” she says to him.

  Grayson looks up just as a tall, dark haired guy walks into the living room to join us. He looks like an older version of G
rayson, with the same broad shoulders and sharp facial features.

  “Jeff!” Graysons’ voice is affectionate as he embraces Jeff in a manly hug. “What are you doing here? You’re not supposed to be here for another two weeks.”

  “Don’t get excited little bro,” Jeff laughs good-naturedly. “I’m not here to see you.” Grayson frowns and Jeff winks at me before saying, “I’m here to see the girl who’s making me an uncle.” His comment causes laughter to break out amongst everyone. I haven’t met Graysons’ older brother yet, and now that he’s here, I’m a little nervous. Jeff makes his way over to his parents, and then to my aunt and uncle. After greeting Brody and Demi next, he makes his over to me. Grayson comes to my side and I relax into him.

  “You must be Huntley,” Jeff’s voice is warm and welcoming, putting me at ease immediately.

  I stick out my hand. “And you must be Jeff.”

  He laughs and then picks me up in a bear hug. His spirited demeanor and light-hearted personality is so much like Graysons’ and I like him instantly. I giggle and return the embrace before their mother slaps Jeff on the back. “Jefferson Carter, you be careful with our girl, she’s carrying my first grandbaby.”

  The way she says ‘our girl’ warms me deeply and adds to the euphoria that’s bubbling inside me. Jeff puts me down as if I’m made of glass and turns to his mother. “Momma, that baby has Carter blood running through his veins, he’s tough already.” Grayson and Jeff laugh at his remark and high-five, causing another round of laughter between the two brothers.

  “Alright, enough you two, go outside and help your father with the grill before he blows the house up,” Graysons mother smiles lovingly at her sons. Grayson leans down and kisses me. I nibble on his bottom lip as discretely as possible so that no one can see it, and when he groans into my mouth I let go. He mumbles ‘tease’ under his breath before following Jeff outside.

  Graysons’ mother turns to me, her eyes glistening. She takes my hands in hers and smiles. “Thank you sweet girl,” she whispers, “For putting my Graysons’ heart back together,” – her hands drop to my belly – “and for giving our family a reason to live again.”